Russian Roulette

Tonight I need to relay a warning. For me and for you. I have done something against doctor's orders, something I initially thought was innocent but I learned did not have good consequences. And what was that? I cut back on my Optifast products, having four a day instead of five. And I got sick. I did not find the experience to be pleasant. Headache, fatigue, upset stomach, dizziness. I stopped feeling good -- no, great -- and healthy. And I got scared.

Let us examine why this happened. Last weekend, Memorial Day weekend, I went on a trip and ate a box of Optifast bars. At my weigh-in on Wednesday this week, I had my first gain since starting the program: 0.2 lbs. To a normal person, this would mean nothing. It is so insignificant, they would say. But to me, it was a failure. And this is the proverbial "stinkin' thinkin'" that gets one into trouble every time.

I began to rationalize to myself that if I took less product every day, I would lose more weight. Make up for the gain. I'm frustrated about my slow weight loss as it is, so I started fantasizing about weigh-ins where I see five lbs. carved off instead of two. And I started to actually believe that I knew better than the medical staff at the clinic regarding the maximum calories I need to function and be healthy.

I played my little roulette game for two days. By this morning, I was feeling God awful. I was exhausted, hungry, lightheaded, and my good mood evaporated. Basically, I couldn't function. I knew I had screwed up. So I got back on schedule immediately. I did not return to normalcy until late this evening. And I'm truly relieved.

Some valuable lessons come from this: First, if I don't follow directions from the experts, odds are I am going to get into trouble. Second, I am still really screwed up by those numbers on the scale. I need to do something about this. ASAP. Perhaps talk therapy is in order. I will ask the clinic. I'm sure there are others who have this problem. If a mere number can cause me to jeopardize my health, then we've got a problem. And I want it corrected.

I think it's time for me to post the "scale" picture again. It makes me feel better. If you are struggling, maybe it might help you. I will get through this journey. It's just proving to be a little more "complex" for me than I thought.