Know Thyself

Talk therapy: It works!

As you know, I have been going to the library lately and getting my hands on as many books as I can find on emotional eating. I've talked about the "Three Legged Stool" for weight  maintenance my clinic educates us about: The physical exercise leg; the calorie intake/portion control leg; and the emotional behavior leg. I think we can all get a handle on the physical exercise and calorie counting on our own and with help from the clinic, but when it comes to understanding the reasons why we overate -- what drives the behavior -- well, this is an area that I think we need some different experts to help us. By this I mean talk therapists. Your clinic may have a psychologist on staff but ours does not. And I suspect the reason some people plow their weight back on after losing it with the products is the stool collapsed because the emotional behavior leg gave way.

When I reached goal and began to transition off of the products, my anxiety level went through the roof. Now that's just me, and I have an anxiety disorder, but I'm guessing other people went through this/will go through this as well. The sheer terror of gaining my weight back rattled me greatly (still does to this day) and I've spoken about this frequently in my blog. That has led to constant vigilance in my eating followed by strange mini-binges on the weekend. I took this straight to my talk therapist (and I tell Millie about it too) and immediately went to the library to check out as many books as I could find on emotional eating. I'm not going to attempt to navigate through this minefield on my own. I'm over my head. And I need help.

Some might say therapy is expensive -- to which I reply you spent a heck of a lot of money on Optifast. Why blow it and flush it down the drain? Manage your expenses to find the resources to fund your therapy visits. Obesity is a killer -- we are carving years off the back end of our lives (not to mention face outrageous healthcare bills) if we do not bring it under control. Therapy is hard sometimes, can be very painful at times. But it works. This is an investment in yourself, just like Optifast is. And it reaps dividends. No doubt about it.

Learning to "know ourselves" is critical. Actually, I'd advise you to start educating yourself while you are on product. Begin your therapy, start reading books. I like the old fashioned way of browsing the stacks at the public library, but there is always Amazon.com. Search "emotional eating" and "overeating" and see what comes up. You may see reference to "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" which is a method designed to change your behavioral way of thinking. My therapy is based on this. See what's out there. And improve your odds of keeping your weight off for good.

No one wants to gain their weight back after reaching goal with the Optifast products. Yet so many do. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that they never figured out why they binge/eat salt, sugar and fat; what feelings they are trying to manage or suppress; who they are trying to please; why they might be perfectionists or "black and white thinkers"; and why they struggle with low self-esteem. Just to name a few things. Help with figuring all this out is available. Go find it. Make your therapy appointment, get a hold of your books. Your success in weight management depends upon it.

Down But Not Out!

"Runaway Eating"

Okay, I've been struggling lately and I'm feeling down and discouraged. That's fairly obvious. And I knew going into maintenance -- heck, I knew it when I was on product -- that struggle I would when this time came. As you know, my main burden is emotional. I ease up on my "controls" and allow some deviations/choices, and in my case that triggers guilt and anxiety. I do wonder if I'm alone in all this, if other people who reached goal encountered this as well. Maybe, maybe not. But I do, and I guess that's what matters.

I have also encountered these tiny "binges" and that of course freaks me out. This behavior is very foreign to me, and I know it could portend something more serious if not nipped in the bud. Subsequently, I have gone to the library and looked up books that talk about bingeing behavior, and I found one I like. It is called "Runaway Eating." I like it because it is targeted towards a middle-aged audience. Many books of this nature are addressed towards younger women. Not this one. Although I am not a binger in the true sense, I am learning quite a bit about it. And because I am so rigid with my eating routine all week, I reach the weekend and start wanting to "attack" things, or graze for extended periods of time. Balance, perspective is needed so much. Hopefully my research can help me achieve that.

Now, I will say that the authors advise readers to not go on any diet at all, reasoning that if one follows this path, the desire to binge will dissipate. I'm not on board with that, because I'm grateful for what I accomplished through Optifast and the "iDiet" is working very well for me. So keep that in mind if you want to order the book or find it at the library. I simply find it informational, as far as giving me a better understanding of what binge eating disorders are all about.

I remain totally committed to keeping my weight off, and I've done a great job with maintaining so far. Yes, I need more exercise, yes, I need to ease up on myself, ditching the perfectionism and black and white thinking. I am so, so blessed to have Millie, my nutritionist, and my friends at the clinic and on Facebook. They understand what it's like to be obese, to lose the weight, to struggle along the way and afterwards. I guess I get into "trouble" when I am alone and in my head, worrying about things. Keep in mind, we don't have children to care for, so that gives one the time to indulge in "paralysis by analysis." I'm an intellectual, and pondering the meaning of things is what I do. I would call it a blessing and a curse. But it's me, and that's how it is.

It's Sunday and the new week starts tomorrow. I actually look forward to Mondays now, because it means I am back on track and in my "comfort zone." Onward I go, doing the best I can. I'm a survivor and I'll get through these choppy waters. I promise you that!

Battling My Fears

Dear readers, I have been struggling so much lately. I apologize for the lapse in my posting -- much has been on my mind regarding this "pattern" that has emerged where I watch my weight like a hawk all week, restricting my calories to about 1,400/day, then ease up on the weekend and have one or two more "indulgent" meals. What this means is my weight is swinging from a low of 156 lbs. by Friday, to a high of about 161 lbs. on Monday. I know these numbers, these swings, should not be a big deal, but they are to me. It's just how it is. I feel like a freak.

Dear, dear Millie is working with me to help me see that these meals with extra calories are not so bad. This is normal. If I have salty items, my body holds on to the water weight. So the scale reflects that. But my body gradually lets it go during the week. I am trying to grasp this, and I do understand it logically. It's just emotionally, I'm really having a tough time with it.

A friend on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page posted the article below that appeared in the Huffington Post. I want to share it, because it captures quite a bit of how I feel. Perhaps you can relate to it too:

Why Losing Weight Doesn't Make It All Better
Marcelle Pick, OB-GYN, NP

Up to an amazing 90 percent of people who lose weight may eventually go on to gain it all back, according to the results of a recent study. When a reporter for Elle magazine asked me to comment, I told him that the statistics are so shocking because the critically important emotional after-effects of weight loss aren't usually taken into account.

Losing weight isn't just a physical change for women. In fact, the emotional upheaval caused by weight loss can be devastating. Television, magazines, the internet, and even some health care practitioners lead us to believe that once we lose weight, everything gets better.

While it's true that losing weight can be a major boost physically and mentally, there are some very real emotional effects that go along with weight loss, especially for those who have lost over 30 pounds. So often these consequences are ignored, but in my opinion, they're worth addressing if you want to look and feel good for the long-term.

The Shelter of Extra Weight

At some point, women who have lost weight might ask themselves, was I getting any subconscious benefits from my extra weight? Does that seem crazy to you, that a woman might find real advantages to her additional pounds? It's not -- extra weight not only gives you more physical presence, but it also provides more of a barrier between you and the rest of the world.

It's easy to become emotionally at home behind these extra layers -- even if it is physically uncomfortable. Once weight begins to come off, some of my patients say they feel exposed and vulnerable, unable to cope with all of the new attention. This is really the very beginning of how a woman's weight and appearance can be deeply connected to her own emotional "story."

How many times have you heard someone say, "You look fantastic! Have you lost weight?" It's as if looking good and losing weight go hand-in-hand. But there are many reasons for weight loss, some not fantastic at all. Even when losing weight to look better was your original goal, it can feel strange to have people commenting on your physical appearance.

Plus we tend to focus more on ourselves after weight loss as well. You may look in the mirror more, buy new clothing, use different makeup, or change your hair to go with your new look. These sorts of changes can make some women feel unsafe, self-conscious, or awkward about being in the spotlight.

Fear of Going Back

Probably the hardest emotional hurdle to get over is the very real fear that after working hard to lose weight, you could gain it all back. Then what will people think? What will they say -- to you, or even behind your back? Many women I see in my practice are desperate about this. And it's no wonder, because research confirms the vast majority will gain their weight back -- and then some.

I've seen women follow their new diet plans with such vigilance and fear that they're more anxious than ever and end up sabotaging their efforts. So how can you avoid this? Now that I've been on my own weight loss journey, I'm always aware of the things I need to do to keep the weight off. I suggest deciding which factors you will not compromise on. For example, I'm strict about exercise and the food I eat. I warn friends when we go out to dinner that I'm very specific about what I order and if that makes them uncomfortable, we can eat at home. But leave yourself some room for letting go and having a treat now and then. For more practical tips, see my article on emotional eating.

However, no amount of planning or practicality can take away our core beliefs. We may have lost weight, but if we haven't dissolved the core belief that we are fat, it still has the power to guide us right back to where we were before.

Seeing Yourself Anew

Losing weight isn't easy. It takes a lot of planning, change, physical exertion, and emotional healing. You've got to put yourself first and change your lifestyle, what you eat, your exercise routine, and your emotions. If we don't deal with the emotional aspect of losing weight, we simply exchange one emotional issue for another. Look at Demi Moore. She may look young and fit, yet at the age of 49, she was hospitalized recently, allegedly to be treated for anorexia.

Due to a bombardment of cultural and media messages, we have unrealistic standards about weight and body shape. Even when we reach our goals, it remains a struggle -- because we're measuring our own self-worth by our looks instead of finding beauty from within. And as long as this is the case, we'll never be satisfied. There's always more you can do.

It's wonderful to look beautiful, but what will sustain you is the belief that you are beautiful -- inside and out. Getting there may require some soul searching about how you envision yourself in this new version of your body. Your personality won't change, but you do have to see yourself anew if you want to maintain your weight loss. Otherwise, like some say Demi Moore did, you may end up exchanging one set of problems for another.

Some Thoughts On Guilt

Was it worth it?

Well, on Sunday (two days ago), the next day after my homemade chili dinner, I decided to test the waters further and have Eggs Benedict for brunch. With Julia Child's Hollandaise sauce of course, that includes one stick of butter. I made it for my husband, and I wanted my own serving. I even whipped up some hash browns for us, cooked in three tablespoons of oil. I knew the meal was a big no-no, but I ate it anyway. And I loved it. For the short duration it took me to eat it. And then, as they say, the Guilt Set In.

Some may not deal with guilt that often, but I sure do. And it goes without saying that it's present now that I'm in maintenance and watching everything I eat like a hawk, making sure I don't go over my calorie limit every day. I felt guilty and worried about the brunch, and when I stepped on the scale yesterday weighing in at 162 lbs., I was upset as well. (Keep in mind I was 156 lbs. on Friday.) Millie assured me my eating choices were entirely normal. And weighing in at 159 lbs. this morning, I know I'm on my downward path to my comfort-level weight of 157 lbs. Yet the guilt over my choices remains.

Why?

I guess I am just coming up against some perfectionist tendencies, and my fear of gaining all my weight back. Plus, I feel like I'm perpetuating a "pattern" where I'm "good" all week, then slip and slide during the weekend -- some mild "yo-yoing" and that makes me feel incompetent. Gosh, I'm so hard on myself right now. I have my private session with Millie tomorrow, and I plan on bringing this up. I am not perfect. I am allowed to deviate off my diet occasionally. Everything is going to be okay. I know this in my heart, but I seem to indulge guilty feelings that make me feel like "Bad Girl Melissa." I'm sure there are childhood roots to all of this. Best to bring it up with my therapist too.

I think I need to take a pause, sit back, and look at things in the "big picture." I have lost 80 lbs.! I've kept it off for over three months! I can do this! And darn it, I'm a good person! Dare I say, what Millie has told me, I'm awesome? For the most part, I did a full fast on Optifast products only for over nine months. Nine months! It's incredible how compliant I was. I made it to goal. Mission (Part I) accomplished.

I must keep this in the forefront of my mind. I'm going to try to do this. I don't need guilt. What purpose does it serve? I'm going to try extra hard to stay in the positive zone, looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Yes, that's the ticket. I've said it before and I'll say it again: This is about practice, not perfection. Believe in yourself, Melissa, and stop second-guessing yourself. You're doing a great job. Remember this, I will try.
    

Towards The Middle: Moderation

I am the middle child and you would think I would know a little something about "being in the middle" when it comes to weight maintenance. In other words, not throwing caution to the wind and eating everything in sight nor restricting everything I eat to the point of insanity; rather, living in a healthy state of eating in moderation, living in "the gray" so to speak. But I tend to be a black or white, all or nothing person. Always have been. So the idea of having foods I love in moderate amounts is something quite new to me.

But yesterday evening, I did a little test. I hadn't planned on it, but when the opportunity came up, I decided to go for it. Here's what happened: My husband asked for Cincinnati-style chili for dinner. I thought it would be good prepared in the crock pot, so I located a recipe. When you use a slow cooker, the smells fill the kitchen. It really hit me when I came home from the library, where I went to get more books on emotional eating. I thought about my healthy pinto bean/brown rice/vegetable salad I had prepared in advance, and then I stopped. I realized that I have not had (I don't think?) any of my own good cooking in over a year. I'm going to have some chili, I decided. And I did.

I'm so, so proud of myself that I kept my portion manageable. I didn't eat to excess, until my stomach hurt. And later in the evening, I had a slice of my iDiet soda bread when I started having my carb craving. I felt relaxed and in control.  Yes, initially, I thought of my dinner as a "slip" but then it hit me. This was okay. As one of my dear Facebook friends told me, I am not a nun. I loosened the reins and the world didn't fall apart. Actually, my weight did not change from yesterday -- I weighed in at 156 lbs. this morning.

This afternoon, I donned my new yoga pants and running shoes and I took a very long walk with Sir Little Legs around the neighborhood (it's gorgeous outside). I had hoped to add an additional walk with my husband, but he doesn't feel well today. I had fun -- yes, I had fun! -- walking with my beautiful hound. I felt good about my body, myself, my health. I felt good about everything. As someone who has really struggled with embracing exercise, this was a real breakthrough for me.

Yes, I am tightening back up today and it will continue through the week -- at least that's the plan. And I will continue watching and inputting my calories and experimenting with healthy dishes I can incorporate into my new eating routine. But it was nice sampling one of my higher-calorie dishes. In moderation. It's a step towards "the gray." I can live with that. Yes, indeed.

 

And Now, The "Weak-end"

The "Creeping Hand"

Okay, I am seeing a pattern evolve. I stepped on the scale yesterday (Friday) morning, and it registered me at 156 lbs. Right where I want it to be. I smiled broadly -- I was very rigid all week, trying to bring my weight back down after some indulgences last weekend. It wasn't easy, but I stuck to my controlled eating routine religiously. I also began incorporating green tea chai and upping my water intake, and I know that helped.

But now, here we are at the weekend, and this is where the problems, my "weakness" crops up.

Things unfold like this: I know in my head I'm right on target with where I want to be weight-wise. But I also know if I gain a few pounds, my history to date has shown I can successfully get them back off. So I begin thinking, "Well, I can relax just a little bit and not count calories this weekend. A few bites of some "off limit" food won't kill me. I don't need to measure." And so on, and so on. This kind of thinking led to a (short) grazing session in the kitchen last night. I had to force myself to go to bed early because I was frightened that things would escalate. Keep in mind, I was not hungry in the slightest. It was this idea of being "free" and "uninhibited" that carried me along.

Now, something that is helping tremendously right now is my reliance on high-fiber, dense foods when I crave carbs -- which is pretty much all the time. I am guided by the "The iDiet" book as well as Millie, my nutritionist. Yesterday I made the iDiet soda bread and it is delightful with a small amount of low-fat cream cheese and sugar-free jam. I also have iDiet "Snack Attack" concoctions made from Fiber One cereal and either nuts and cajun seasoning if you crave something salty; or dark, dark chocolate if you crave something sweet. The foods outlined in iDiet keep me full. So what we need to look at is how to address this strong desire to be uninhibited, unrestricted in what I choose to eat.

I know for as long as I can remember, I never put any restrictions on my eating. Anything was fair game. I felt little, if any guilt over what I ate. Bread with butter? Fine. Pasta with rich cream sauce? Bring it on. Four course meals including a decadent dessert? Fabulous. I knew people who were very weight-conscious and very strict with what they ate and I actually felt sorry for them. I felt free. But maybe I was "too free," if that is possible.

As you can imagine, embarking on the Optifast program was a complete departure from my way of living. It could not have been more different. I am still a little bit amazed that I was ultimately successful at reaching goal. To be on, for the most part, a full fast for 9 1/2 months is incredible, is undoable for many, many people. And I'm very proud of myself. But now, I am in maintenance. I am, for lack of a better word, "free" again. And the question now is, will I allow myself to be uninhibited as well?

It's early Saturday morning, and right now, I'm not so worried about how the day will proceed eating-wise. In fact, I've got my whole eating plan already inputted on MyFitnessPal. But I have this touch of concern about tonight. Things were problematic last night. This will probably be the case tonight. I'm trying to think of things to get me through this danger zone: going upstairs and reading a book or putting away my winter clothes. I cannot connect to the Internet upstairs, so that is ruled out, but I probably need a break anyway. I can just tell things are going to be challenging. But I'm a survivor and I can get through this.

Okay, I'm off to have my breakfast. Enjoy your weekend all. I'm going to try and do the same. Onward!

  

Addressing Those Annoying "Small Gains"

Watch out for those slips!

Millie got back to me pronto about my questions regarding seasonal weight fluctuations (i.e. my history of gaining in the summer and losing in the winter) and my frustration with "hanging out" at 160 lbs. for several days, despite my best efforts to bring my weight down a couple of notches. Now, some might think I'm overreacting over a three pound swing up from my "comfort" weight of 157 lbs., but I know myself, and if I don't keep tight reins on my weight, I'm going to continue to creep up and then it's bye bye 80 lb. weight loss. And I am going to fight tooth and nail to not have that happen.

Here are her responses below, which I am posting so a.) I remember and b.) they may be of great use to Optifasters in maintenance:

Why might you experience seasonal weight changes? 


There is very little research about seasonal weight changes, although there is some about changes during the day, during the month, especially for women, and throughout life-time.  Here are some lifestyle ideas about why you might GAIN weight during summer:

·         With increasing heat, you run chronically dehydrated.  As a result, your body shifts hormones to hold onto water.

·         With summer, you change your diet to a higher-fat mode, such as grilling high-fat meats more, along with associated foods that go with grilling (cheese-topped burgers, large buns, etc.)

·         With summer, you consume more high-sodium foods (marinades, sauces, etc.)

·         You have allergies/asthma issues that keep you indoors, decreasing your physical activity.


Your 2-3 pound weight gain:

·         Even without having periods, many women continue to demonstrate “cyclical” water retention even into menopause.  Could you be in a temporary pseudo-menstrual water-retention cycle for 5-7 days?

·         Have you eaten anything with high sodium within the last 4 days?  Even pizza within-calorie bounds, or Chinese food, has enough sodium to cause your body to retain water for up to 7 days.

·         Is it possible that with your increased physical activity, you have added lean body mass, especially if you’re doing weight-resistance exercises?

·         Sometimes the most vigilant person can begin to slip around the edges.  As you think about your food intake, is there any area that may have begun to slide a bit----cream instead of milk, poured cereal without measuring, etc?


* * *

I know I can expect to get my period soon, so that's a check on water retention. Yes, I did eat something VERY high in sodium last weekend. After the cheese and crackers incident, we ordered food and I ate a huge gyro. Duh, Melissa. Extra sodium intake. Addition of lean body mass might be an issue, but Millie really opened my eyes with the fourth point: slipping around the edges.

If I really, really think about this, I see now that I have been slipping. It's not that I have been abandoning measuring, using butter and cream, etc. What I have been doing is asking my husband for small "bites" of his food. Two recent incidents come to mind: On Sunday, he purchased a very rich chocolate "Easter egg" from the high-end chocolate/coffee shop in the neighborhood. It was on sale, of course. This was at closing time, so he had to bring it home. I of course asked for a bite. And he hesitated, but I really started pleading. So he let me. And this played out again Monday night.

Last night (Wednesday), we had our weekly dinner out and I had my safe salad. He ordered a sub sandwich. I started watching him eating it, quite intently, and said, "Can I have a little bite?" He said no, then I started pouting. Yes, pouting! Finally, he capitulated. What choice did he have? And I took a big bite, making sure it counted. Oh dear readers, I see now, I see. The slippage has started.

Some may want to criticize my husband, but I just cannot put strict parameters around him because I am having cravings, because I have the food obsession. It is up to me to manage this. Sure, it helps if he doesn't wave this fattening stuff in my face, and actually, he doesn't. What I need to do is step up to the plate and tighten things back up. I thought I was being super-vigilant, but these "little bites" clearly show otherwise. So address this I will.

Today is a new day, and forward I go. Thanks Millie, for helping me see the light.

Seasonal Weight Fluctuations

Spring magnolia

I think I can say with some confidence that Spring has finally come to Columbus. Our weather is sunny and in the 70s lately, which does wonders for my mood and gets me motivated to move more. I basically "attacked" our back patio yesterday, pulling weeds, clearing out the beds, bagging everything up and lugging it out to the alley where the City picks it up. Our beautiful pink magnolia tree is starting to bloom -- we rescued it from scale a few years back, and it's doing quite well now. Hooray!

But one thing I have noticed -- and I'm actually quite curious about it --  is that the warmer the weather becomes, my weight starts to inch up, even though I am following the same eating/exercising routine. Actually, I'm starting to exercise more, so I'm intrigued as to what's going on here. Now, I know that my history has been to actually lose weight in the winter and gain weight in the summer. I know, it's strange, but that's how it has always been. Come to think of it, November and December were two of the best weight loss months for me when I was on product. The summer months were the slowest. Boy, was that frustrating. But as you know I made it through.

Regarding my actual numbers, I have weighed in at 160 lbs. for three days now -- the higher end of my "safety zone." My "caution" marker is 161 lbs. and I don't like being that close to it. But I am following my normal routine, so there is not much more I can do, I don't think. My body may just be doing its own thing, regardless of my efforts to keep it in line. So back I must go to acceptance and just relax about all of this. I am following instructions and being almost religiously compliant. What will be will be.

I did go to the department store today and exchange for a larger size some lightweight work slacks I recently purchased. I'm just nervous come summer they won't fit properly, and you know how frugal I am. Yes, the new pants are a bit loose, but I just wanted to err on the side of caution. I also purchased some larger tops at Target, but that was more so because they shrink in the laundry. When I gain weight, it is primarily in the hips and behind. Not my upper body. I just want to be prepared, and actually, after the constant shopping when I was shedding my weight while on the program, I just don't like shopping anymore period. Hard to believe, but true! I hope these new pants work, so I don't have to shop for more.

I have emailed Millie to get her thoughts about seasonal weight fluctuations, and if there is anything I can do to reverse the trend. Perhaps she can shed some light on all of this. We'll see. Putting fluctuations aside, I have been feeling great all day. Which has been wonderful. I will most likely hit the hay early tonight, as I had choppy sleep last night. I'm getting ready to go up soon. Have a great night everyone. And enjoy the fact that Spring has Sprung!

Getting Comfortable With The "Range"

Back and forth...

Looking back on the 3 1/2 months of my maintenance program, I'm beginning to see that my weight appears to hover somewhere in a five pound "range." By this I mean I can typically expect to weigh between 155 - 160 lbs. IF I keep my calories counted and tightly managed, but also allow myself to have a meal out once a week. As you know, I'd feel totally relaxed if I just stayed at one number, but that of course is impossible. So it comes down to getting comfortable with this range and not panicking if I get on the high or low ends of the spectrum.

Accepting the range has been somewhat difficult for me, mostly because I have never dieted before, never counted calories, never monitored what and how much I eat, never weighed myself on a regular basis. This is all so new, so foreign -- it's like learning a new language, in a way. I know intuitively that my weight will fluctuate day to day, but when I get on the scale each morning, I seem to forget logic. But I am finding over time that I am getting into the swing of things and my weigh-ins are becoming a little bit easier.

Now as I mentioned, I have to really manage my calories to stay within this range. What is working for me is to eat a similar menu every day -- which some might find unfeasible/unappealing. I really like things this way, and I don't (at this point in time) seem to get bored with my routine. I like eating my oatmeal breakfast; my lunch of 1/2 pita sandwich with low-sodium turkey, a side of no salt 1% cottage cheese and some low sodium V-8; my apple and string cheese for my afternoon snack; and Fiber One/ no fat yogurt/almonds/berries for my evening snack.

Keep in mind, for years and years I never ate breakfast, lunch and two healthy, low calorie snacks at all. I just had a huge dinner and grazed all night. So this is a vast improvement, even if it is repetitive. It's like my Optifast routine -- the same products every day. It feels safe and comfortable. Which I need right now. Some flexibility does come in at dinner time. I switch up my proteins, vegetables and whole wheat carbs daily. I know this influences the range, but I do like changing up something every day -- plus it keeps me sane (wink, wink).

I will say that holding my range is not the easiest thing in the world. This "rigidity" I have embraced can be hard sometimes to keep implemented. Case in point the cheese incident two days ago, and recently, the boss at the office ordered pizza for everyone and it was awkward and difficult saying "no." Curve balls are everywhere, and it's impossible to accurately predict when they will be thrown. But I'm holding my own right now, so that's good.  

So when you enter maintenance, be prepared for the strong possibility you will have a "range" as well. As is the case with me, if you creep out of this range either way, tighten things up a little bit and get back into the acceptable zone. I am vigilant about this -- particularly if I hit 160 lbs. at my morning weigh-in. I don't want things to quickly escalate out of control. I invested too much time, effort and money to see everything blow up in my face. So work on this I do.

As always, I'm a work in progress. But things are getting easier every day. After all, this is simply about practice, not perfection. Slowly, I am starting to trust myself and my decision-making when it comes to my eating. And that's entirely acceptable at this juncture. One foot in front of the other, I'm making progress. Which is great!

The Cheeses Were Not Standing Alone

High, ho, the dairy...Oh!

It's a "Good Afternoon All!" as I slept in today -- past noon -- which is very, very rare for me, but oh, how rested I feel today! This type of "luxury" is something I truly treasure. I can tell it's going to be a very lazy Sunday, with housework put on the back burner, and instead wrapping myself up in a blanket and relaxing with a cup of tea and the Sunday New York Times. I love days like today. They are few and far between, so take advantage of this I will!

My sister came over yesterday afternoon and ended up staying late into the evening. I was mentally prepared ahead of time and stayed on schedule with my oatmeal for breakfast and two eggs and a English muffin and low sodium V-8 for "brunch." But when it came "cocktail hour" time and I got out the shrimp and cheese and crackers for everyone else, well that's when my eating plan started to change.

I had some exotic cheeses in the fridge that needed to be used, so there was quite an assortment to sample. I have steered far away from rich cheese for over a year. I was lucky that I could still cook with it for my husband's dishes even though I was in a full fast. I felt no desire to sample it. I knew "cheating" was off limits for me, and I remained focused on my Optifast products. But I'm in maintenance now, and food is back into the equation. So as I stood at the kitchen counter arranging the cheese platter, in popped the thoughts.

I wonder how that cheese tastes. How about that cheese with that cracker? And what about this cheese? Is this cheese better than that cheese? Oh to hell with it. Let's find out!

I brought out the platter, set it down on the table, then pulled up a chair and in I started. I would alternate, piece of shrimp dipped in cocktail sauce, followed by cheese and cracker. I kept going, not keeping count of how much I was having. Soon I didn't taste much of anything anymore, and it became more of an exercise to just get all of the shrimp and cheese finished off so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. One thing I am realizing now is I actually fell silent as my sister and husband continued talking. I was zeroed in on that platter.

Now the good thing is I hadn't purchased too much shrimp, so that was polished off soon. When it was gone, I had a "wake up call" of sorts -- I sat back and said to myself, "Whoa there Melissa. You're getting out of control." I slid my chair back and got up, taking the bowl of shrimp tails to the garbage can in the kitchen. I had some water and got a piece of gum. Then I went back to the den and got the cheese platter -- no one protested -- and brought it to the kitchen. I immediately pitched all the remaining cheese and the entire box of assorted crackers. Even though all of this was very expensive and I hate to waste money. Fact is, this stuff is a threat to me right now. I love it all too much.

So I am sitting here, pondering the concept of "moderation" and whether I will be able to embrace it when it comes to rich food. As we've seen here over these past months, I've got myself into trouble every time I order something rich at restaurants. I take that first bite and immediately fall in love. Or in lust. Whatever we want to call it. The same thing happened with the cheese. Good thing is my tummy is okay today, and there wasn't too much damage as far as my weight is concerned. But yesterday is just another example of how exposure to decadent, rich things spells trouble for me. I start eating and do not stop until what's in front of me is gone.

As always, the important thing to take away here is I recognize all of this -- and acceptance is half the battle. I was even able to get the brakes on yesterday and get that remaining cheese pitched. And I'm really pleased about that. Maintenance is a struggle and I knew way, way ahead of time this was going to be the case. Things are tough at times, slips are happening, but I am continuing to learn things about myself and the way I behave around food. So this is good. Did I have fun last night? Yes, I did. I'm glad we had company over. This is important too. All of this is a learning experience. And I'm doing okay.

Well, I'm off to read the newspaper. Hope you have an enjoyable Sunday as well!

Declaring A Truce With The Scale

An early "Good Morning" all. I have let the dogs out and it's about 5:30 a.m. It's the weekend and I'll be up for a few hours and then it's back to sleep for awhile. I was mulling over what might be interesting to discuss this morning, and I thought I might as well delve back into my "nemesis" throughout this whole journey: that damn (pardon the language) scale.

Despite assurances to myself last year that I would not bring a scale into my home, you may remember that I fled the house in a panic and bought a cheap scale at Bed, Bath & Beyond after my first-ever binge of Christmas cookies. So it's here now as a result of a crisis -- it was not purchased in a run of the mill way, as just another ordinary item to keep in the home. No, from the very beginning, my scale equals "panic" and therein lies the root of my dilemma.

I put the picture up on the right because, of course, it reinforces that the scale does not sum up who you are as a person. But I do believe that the scale does more than just show you your relationship with gravity. For me, the scale gives certainty -- in a moment in time -- and that sets the tone of how my day will proceed eating-wise. Which currently dominates my thoughts because I am so new into maintenance and frightened about gaining my weight back. That scale is very powerful to me. Certainty I am in the "green" safety zone translates into comfort which translates into diminished panic. So I'm locked into an emotional relationship with the scale right now.

But as you know, scales "swing" all the time. A woman's monthly cycle, when you go to the bathroom, factoring in meals out, it all contributes to the sheer impossibility of "nailing down" one number and holding it forever. Do I want that one number? If I had my way, you bet. I'd be certain all of the time and there would be no panic as far as gaining all the weight back goes. My magical number is a 157 lb. weigh-in every morning. I have no idea how I locked in on to that number. It's just in my head and it's been that way for awhile. I've dipped down to 154 lbs. and eaten more to bring the weight back up; I've seen a high of about 166 lbs.(?)  after my trip to New York in February and through various measures, brought it back down. And the inevitable thing was that I panicked when those swings, either way, happened.

Now, I will say that I often feel like I am a complete freak when it comes to this, err, "emotional instability." I have no idea how other Optifasters now in maintenance feel about their scale and if it has this "power" over their emotional state as well. I do know many of my friends weigh every day, more so for accountability reasons. I guess I'm that way too, but I've got that added kicker of wanting to keep that panic/anxiety monster in check. I'm trying to ease up a little bit, but it's been damn near impossible for me since I entered transition three months ago.

My ultimate goal, of course, is to have a "truce" with my cheap scale. To be able to check in every morning and not be affected by the digits displayed. A dream would be to only weigh in once a week. But I just don't see that happening any time soon. Given the significant amount of weight I lost -- which inevitably lead to my fear of gaining it back --I am watching that scale ever so closely. But as in all things, patience leads to progress. And I'm imperfect. I'll keep working on this, to be sure. It's just going to take awhile. And that's okay.

The "Creature": Emotional Eating

Without going in to the specifics, I had a very upsetting day yesterday. Also had a therapy appointment, and tried to process some things there, but left feeling confused and still down. I guess there have just been some unexpected "curve balls" thrown my way, and when this happens, my default mode is to pick up something to eat to make myself feel better, make the uncomfortable feelings go away. I had two minor "slips" yesterday -- took two big bites of my husband's dinner roll with butter on it, and despite the wonderful feedback I got from my friends on Facebook, I made a bowl of oatmeal before I went to bed. And now, at 5:00 a.m., my tummy feels sick.

In a way, I feel like crying -- there are lots of emotions inside of me that I have kept at bay for many, many years, and the dam is starting to get some cracks. The urge to eat "bad" things is fueled by this sense that I am "bad." Millie went over this in class, how some people are "moralistic" eaters. That's me to a tee. I'm plagued by a low self-esteem, and the bulk of my therapy focuses on this. People can tell me I'm bright and kind and hard-working and dedicated but I just don't believe it myself. I have been cursed with this for a very, very long time, and undoing this way of thinking has been quite difficult and is still an on-going process.

I am not hungry this morning, but I know if I do not eat my oatmeal, I will get ravenous in the late morning and that opens the door to the possibility of a binge. It is critical I stay on schedule to prevent this from happening. I also get weak, because I am still fumbling around with making sure I take in enough calories. I dropped down to 155 lbs. yesterday morning, which is fine, but my body has "swung" from 162 lbs. to 155 lbs. in roughly five days. This messes with my emotions too. As you know, I really like certainty right now, because this maintenance thing is so new and I'm still figuring it all out. Big swings, in either direction, upset me and make me want to eat. This emotional eating "creature" starts running amok, chasing me everywhere I go. It's so hard fighting back.

My mind is really cluttered right now, and it's kind of difficult to write. So I am just going to sign off and pick up later this evening. It's Friday, so that means the weekend starts tonight. Our hockey team is playing, and we will be watching on TV. So I am looking forward to that. To be continued...

Let's Rant About Fast Food Again!

I had a difficult time last night with some intestinal issues. Won't go into all the details, but I woke up this morning feeling weak so I took another day off from work. I'm tired and feel dehydrated, so I'm going to tend to those problems. My mind, however, is still sharp, and I saw this hilarious picture on my Facebook news feed this morning and of course you know what this now means: Time for another rant about fast food!

I want to be very clear: I do like fast food. My preference is a large-size McDonald's Extra Value Meal #1, which is a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Diet Coke. Before my full fast began, the night before, I went to the neighborhood Wendy's and got a double cheeseburger with everything on it. No fries or drink, just the cheeseburger. I ate all of it in the six blocks it took to drive back to my house.

I wouldn't mind hitting a Chipotle (owned by McDonald's) and getting a 1,000 calorie burrito stuffed with just about everything, including guacamole and sour cream. I don't care for Taco Bell, but I'd hit a Kentucky Fried Chicken if there were only one near us. There isn't. I am a sucker for the Burger King croissant breakfast sandwiches. In short, I've pretty much had it all.

What really gets my anger going is in my opinion, everything has become so high-stress, so uber-busy in America today that often, these joints are the only option for people who just don't have time to tend to themselves anymore. More often than not, you need two breadwinners in the house to make ends meet -- and if you are a single parent, God help you -- so who can feasibly cook for themselves anymore?  These fast food products are scientifically engineered to be served up quick and taste good. They are cheap. They fit right in with the "American Way." Shove them in, and move on to the next thing on the list.

The pace of this country is not slowing down. Look at all of these technological advancements -- each year, it grows leaps and bounds. And isn't it interesting that each year, the U.S. obesity epidemic grows right along with it. They say the wealthier a country is, the fatter its people become. Fact is, our wealth is driven by long hours and stressful days for most. We've got more latchkey kids than ever. Personal time is becoming a luxury. How long can this continue?

Lots of concerning things are happening, and I by no means place all of the blame on the fast food industry. They are simply here because they fill a needed niche -- they make the system run more smoothly. It keeps going. McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, KFC -- they are not going anywhere. I know that. Indeed, they are filling niches all over the world. The formula works worldwide.

What I did, when I hit my early 40s, was -- much like my Optifast program -- I slammed the brakes on and said, "I can't do this anymore." I took a part-time job, a massive pay cut, and started doing something for me. Granted, it was cooking, and I got way overboard on that, but I took the monetary hit in exchange for more personal time. I can't buy things many other people can, every penny must be watched, vacations are fewer and shorter. But the pay off was time. And that's priceless, in my book.

I call fast food "evil" because I believe it just perpetuates the insanity of our culture. But this label comes from someone who has the time to make good choices and steer far, far away from it. Honestly, I want to dole out some of my time to family and friends who just don't have it anymore. I can beg and plead with people to stay out of those fast food places, but I know this is often in vain. Now, when I see the cars snaking around the drive through lanes, my heart just breaks. I understand it all too well.

What is the solution? Honestly, in the big picture, I don't know. I can only share with you what I did. I no longer set foot in any fast food restaurant. Even though they offer "lower calorie" alternatives, I don't care. I cut the cord, so to speak, after that Wendy's double cheeseburger. Just as I was resolute in my commitment to the full fast, I remain steadfast in my decision to avoid any fast food restaurant at any cost. I cook for myself. Even in rarer situations where I am pressed for time. This is my way now. This is one of my "lifestyle changes."

But this not to say I don't struggle sometimes when I see the "Golden Arches." I think about that Big Mac. But not as often. The reins are on, pretty darn tight right now. As always, fingers crossed that continues. Maybe, just maybe, someone will see this post today and resist the oh-so-strong temptation to pull into a fast food joint this evening. I'd be so thrilled. I hope my "rant" helped someone today. Stay strong. Make good choices. And get some precious "me" time if you can.

Back In The Saddle!

Thrilled to report I weighed in at 158 lbs. this morning. I am back in the "green" safety zone where I need to be. My body is flushed out and I am feeling so much better. I just can't handle that sugary/doughy/cheesy crap anymore. I think I can, but it makes me feel sick. So I am going to try extra hard to steer clear from it. I also took a "mental health day" off from work because I was really exhausted. I have been in bed for a good deal of the day, but I have just returned from a long walk with my younger Basset, Sir Little Legs, who walks at a brisk pace. I have my new yoga pants on and my New Balance running/walking shoes that have this crazy turquoise/"tomato red" color. I love them.

I did have a screw up yesterday -- and you may want to watch out for this when you get into maintenance. I re-set the MyFitnessPal and I think I did something wrong because it said I needed to drop down to 1,260 calories a day. I ended up only taking in around 1,100 calories before bed and I woke up around midnight ravenous. I had to come downstairs and have a bowl of oatmeal. Then I was back up at 2:00 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep until 7:00 a.m. I did not eat enough -- and yes, in the back of my head was I'll cut things back a little to drop the weight sooner. That, my friends, is not the way to do things.

So I am going back to my normal menus that I have been following. I haven't posted my own recipes yet because I am still, at this juncture, keeping things very clean, simple and repetitive. Breakfast, lunch and afternoon snack never change. Breakfast is oatmeal (recipe in "iDiet" book); lunch is 1/2 whole wheat pita with 2 oz. light deli turkey and  1/2 slice of swiss and Grey Poupon mustard;  1/2 cup no-salt cottage cheese with dill; and about 10 oz. of V-8. Snack is a small apple and a piece of string cheese. Dinner will either incorporate a plain chicken breast or piece of fish or hamburger patty, and be accompanied by a salad I make from the "iDiet" book, or one of my cous cous or quinoa salads incorporating lots of vegetables. I'll post those ingredients soon. Then I have my no-fat yogurt/Fiber One/sliced almonds/and now strawberries (Hooray! I'm eating more fruit!) later in the evening.

We've got an ice hockey game tonight -- I am meeting my husband's boss! -- so it's our weekly dinner out tonight. We are going to the restaurant I know well, where I get the grilled chicken breast on a very simple salad and a side of roasted brussels sprouts. So I'm very comfortable with that. Okay, I'm off to take a shower and get "dolled up" as my husband likes to say. Have a great night everyone. And go Columbus Blue Jackets!

Binge Recovery, Part III

It's early Monday morning, start of a new week and a return back to my normal eating schedule. I'm relieved, frankly, because I want that binge relegated forever to the past. History. I am embracing my philosophy of staying in "today" -- the "precious present" -- and my plan of following my diet; recording my calories, etc.; extending my walking time; and continuing Spring cleaning. I am not going out into the future and worry about my weigh-in on Wednesday. Today I am in recovery mode, and I will follow the guidance I have from the clinic.

I did have a chance yesterday to do some shopping. I had a wonderful time, purchasing some cute tops and some lighter-weight slacks for work. I began putting away my winter clothes and found I have absolutely nothing for Spring that fits. Actually, I don't have much of anything because it was all donated to the Salvation Army. When I went to the check out and they rung up my purchases, I found that my commitment to keeping my weight off grew. As you may recall, I am very, very frugal now (thanks to my husband) and the idea of wasting money on clothes that won't fit in a month leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.

I weighed in at 162 lbs. at 5:30 a.m. this morning. I've been a little "blocked up" and I've had a lot of fluid, so I'm assuming that explains some of this. But regardless, we have set a "yellow flag" weight for me of 161 lbs., which means I am in the "caution" range. If I go up to 164 lbs., that is the "red flag" number. So I'm concerned, yes. I re-set my numbers in MyFitnessPal, and it has lowered my suggested caloric intake. I don't think I can hit that -- it's just too low -- so this means one thing, and one thing only: Melissa, it's time to get serious about exercise.

Fortunately, the weather is soaring into the low 70s this week, which means ideal conditions for walking. I can fit into my husband's sweat shorts (thank God) and I found some t-shirts. I live in a beautiful, historic neighborhood and there is a big park right in the middle of it. I am going to leave the dogs at home and walk around the perimeter of the park a few times, then go into the park and wind my way around there. I have my great New Balance running/walking shoes, so it's really comfortable walking.

Emotionally, I'm feeling pretty solid. Work is running much more smoothly. My anxiety is in check. Nicer weather improves my mood considerably, and I feel more energetic. As long as I get good rest, I stay in pretty good shape. My elderly Basset, Nell, continues to wake me up around 4:00 a.m. But what I am doing is trying to get to sleep by 9:00 p.m.; waking up to let her out; writing; having my oatmeal breakfast; then going back to sleep for a little bit before work. It's working out okay.

So forward I go. If you've recently had a binge/"cheat"/slip, relegate it to the past, like I am. Today is a new day, full of possibilities. Begin getting your ducks back in order. We can do this -- I know we can. Have a great day everyone. Live it to the fullest.

Binge Recovery, Part II

I wanted to share the strategy Millie, my nutritionist at the Optifast clinic, gave me when I emailed her in a panic post-binge. I was feeling horrible physically, and I wanted to know how to get some relief. Here are the steps she suggested (which are definitely working well):


1.        Calm the stomach; ease the headache.  Take an analgesic, like Tylenol Extra Strength max dose.  Afterward, make some hot herbal tea with a calming agent, such as ginger or cinnamon.  Drink two 10-12 oz. mugs over the next hour, then one 2-3 hours later.

(Note: I had ginger tea. I purchased it at a specialty grocery, Fresh Market.)

2.       Engage the stretch receptors in your large intestine to stimulate satiation, which will halt overeating patterns.  Eat ½-1 cup of high fiber cereal (e.g. Fiber One) in some form over the next 1.5 hours:  1-2 snack bags (recipes in "iDiet" book), or a bowl of cereal with ¼ cup fruit and ½ cup low-fat milk.

(Note: I had the Fiber One, strawberries, and skim milk.)

3.       The hot tea and cereal will help move objectionable foods out of your system more quickly, probably by the end of the day.  Over the next 6-8 hours before bed, including the tea, try to drink 48-60 ounces of fluid.  Never drink more than 32 oz./hour.  Don’t go overboard on the fluids----that’s an over-correction that could make you feel worse.

(Note: I did not know about the water restriction. My knee-jerk reaction is to just start guzzling away. This is very good to know.)

4.       Resume absolutely “normal” dinner patterns tonight:  Do NOT cut back to “make up” for anything eaten earlier.  Such a strategy can result in an over-correction the other way.

(Note: I binged Friday, and immediately started back with my eating routine the next day. I was not hungry, but I made myself stick to the schedule anyway.)

5.       Tonight for dinner, try to have at least one cup of cruciferous veggies in one form or another:  broccoli, cauliflower, radishes, kale, etc.  Cooked, in a salad, or both are ok. The sulfur in these veggies will help your liver process preservatives and additives out of your system faster.

(Note: I had broccoli and cauliflower. Both.)

6.       If you’re feeling up to it, go for a stroll (NOT a power walk) tonight to dissipate tension and to activate peristalsis (movement of your intestines---helps clear things out).


(Note: I didn't walk yesterday, but we walked today.)

I am definitely feeling better today. I am continuing with the ginger tea, water (with a lemon wedge), fiber-rich foods, and I just had a Fiber One/ non fat yogurt/strawberries "concoction." After a few days away from the scale, I did just weigh (around 4:00 p.m.) and the result was 162 lbs. I haven't seen a number that high since I returned from the New York trip mid-February. I'm trying not to panic, instead telling myself that I can get this off in due course. Everything is going to be okay. I'm back on track.

I don't know if I will have an "official" weigh-in at the clinic on Wednesday. That could be stressful for me, and I may just go to see my friends and attend the class. I will keep weighing daily at home, to monitor things. I guess I'll just wait and see how I feel when Wednesday rolls around in a couple of days. For now, I'm stabilized, and the weight isn't getting me down too much.

Well, I'm starting to get tired, so I guess it's time to trundle upstairs to bed. Crisis over -- for now.

Binge Recovery, Part I

Well, I didn't know this bingeing creature until I was well on my way in the Optifast program. I'm in no way blaming Optifast, I just have never been on a diet before, never restricted what I ate, never watched my caloric intake. I never read labels, I ate fast food whenever I wanted it, I cooked with lots of butter, heavy cream, lots of salt -- everything but the kitchen sink. So the Optifast program was actually quite a significant departure from my prior way of living. I hit the brakes hard, got out of the car, and started walking, so to speak. Big, big change.

My first-ever experience with a true binge was last December at Christmastime. I blogged about it, if you want to go back and read it. It involved Christmas cookies, which I shoved in, losing count. I was highly stressed. And it scared the living daylights out of me. Since I began maintaining, I've had little "baby binges" here and there, but I've managed to put the brakes on, either by myself or in some instances, my husband has intervened. My weight has not been impacted.

But what has me so nervous, so scared this morning is the way I, for lack of a better word, "attacked" two days ago those cookies, the doughnut, and the pizza. I'm talking about throwing control out the window and devouring things very quickly, not tasting them at all, just having one bite after another in a very quick manner. This behavior is very, very uncomfortable for me.

Physically, I put my body through the wringer because it is just not used to the sugar/carb overload. Folks, I felt like crap yesterday. By some people's standards, a few cookies, a doughnut, and four small pizza "squares" might not seem like a lot, but it leveled me. Thank God for Millie. She quickly responded to my email and listed specific things to do to get some physical relief. Emotionally, I was a wreck but I immediately got support from my Internet friends and my husband listened to me as I talked about it, opening up to him about my fears and concerns.

Yes, I am quite familiar, analytically speaking, with the underpinnings of eating disorders, and the emotional/psychological components of them. I have read about these disorders at length. They are rooted in "control" (or lack thereof) and in some cases, perfectionism and obsessiveness. Do I now have one? No, I do not. I am newly in maintenance, and feeling my way through it. I'm way ahead of the game because I am talking about it, writing about it, not "hiding" it. I'm not running away from this. Bingeing has cropped up, and it must be dealt with as soon as possible. I'm asking for help -- I'm not going to try and conquer this on my own.

My posts will probably pick up a bit, as I am finding that writing my feelings down, talking with my husband, "chatting" with my Internet friends is really, really helping right now. If you have just had a binge, pick up a pen and get a piece of paper and just start writing. Whatever comes to mind. Get it out -- let all those feelings flow. All right, I'm going to step away and prepare some breakfast. Be back later.

I'm Human, Continued

There is one thing I know now for sure and that is I would not have made it this far without the wonderful support from my dear friends on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page. I've heard some people claim Facebook is becoming a thing of the past, and no one is using it anymore, and I really laugh at that. I'm connected 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with Optifast friends from all over the world. And when I went into this bingeing "free fall," they were immediately there to help me get the rip cord on the parachute pulled.

As I was reminded, I am running a marathon here -- not a sprint -- and I temporarily fell and scratched my knee. But up I will get and continue on my way. I always advise everyone else to "pamper" themselves while they are Optifasting, and isn't it time I take that advice myself? That's what a friend said. So I'm going out shopping today. I am going to find that celebratory bracelet, or at the very least, just start looking.

And whilst I am out, I am going back to the sporting goods store where I got the yoga pants. I am going to buy a bathing suit to wear for water aerobics and lap-swimming. I'm a "water baby" at heart and this is what I love to do: swim. So I will purchase a proper suit and goggles. The clinic is talking and I am listening: I've just got to move, I've got to embrace physical exercise. It is the crucial third leg of my three-legged maintenance "stool" and it can't stand without it. And my friends are telling me that consistent exercise will lessen the guilt, allow for more "leeway" and ease my obsessive need to "control." I need this relief.

I'm starting to realize that because I grew so sedentary over the years, I actually lack most of the necessary "gear" needed to do even the most basic of workouts. I only just recently purchased the yoga pants, and I don't have the bathing suit yet. I have no idea where my t-shirts are -- shoved in a storage bin with other summer clothes, I guess. None of which fit anymore. They are too big. I have some running/exercising bras, so I'm set there. But new purchases must be made. This is a lifestyle change -- and I need to prepare for it.

As for the eating, as I said earlier, I am not hungry in the slightest today, but I am staying the course and following my healthy, normal eating schedule. This will (fingers crossed) prevent the bingeing tonight. All of the pizza has been pitched. There are no cookies or sweets around. If my husband needs a treat, he will go to the French bakery/cafe and get a little something and eat it there. We are planning for a long walk today -- it's cooler than we expected, but we're going to try and go for it. If we don't, we will definitely go tomorrow.

I'm still not feeling so hot, physically, from that sugar and carb overload. I have no idea if there are some specific food items I can eat to "cleanse" my system -- I am going to email Millie and ask. I also just feel the need to let the clinic know about this binge session. It keeps me accountable. I don't want to harbor any "eating secrets."

So I'm moving forward, as best I can, planning for a soft landing when I come back down to Earth. Onward. One Day At A Time.

Human, All Too Human

Okay. Deep breath. Some very "bad" eating choices have been made lately and it's time to take some action. I'm in a free-fall and I've got to pull my rip cord. I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now, very uncomfortable, and actually, quite upset. It's hard to figure out where to begin this morning, but I guess I'll just jump in and get this stuff down on paper.

This all started with the stromboli on Wednesday. I woke up feeling absolutely horrible, physically and emotionally, Thursday morning. But I quickly resumed my eating routine: Oatmeal for breakfast; 1/2 pita sandwich and cottage cheese with grape tomatoes for lunch; apple for snack, sensible dinner. I had my yogurt/Fiber One/almonds/70% cacao chocolate square treat. Then I broke. Three more chocolate squares and a bowl of oatmeal. In very quick order.

I woke up yesterday feeling okay. The scale showed me at 156 lbs., so my anxiety didn't flare up. I resumed my eating routine. There was a catered lunch at work, but I fixed my own. I did, however, pack up some things for my husband, including three cookies and a doughnut. When I got home around 3:00 p.m., I attacked the sweets. I could not stop. I got a raging headache. I was horrified by my actions. I collected myself, went on a long walk, and had a very healthy dinner of salmon and a pearled whole wheat cous cous salad I made with veggies. My yogurt treat followed.

My husband balked at the food I brought home, refusing to eat it. I dutifully put it down the disposal. He instead ordered a pizza. I crept into the kitchen and had three squares of it, very, very quickly. Then a bowl of oatmeal. I was not hungry but stuffed myself anyway. Frightened, I went upstairs and got into bed. I got out of bed, went to the scale, and weighed in at 160 lbs. It was night time, so I always weigh more. I got back into bed. And thankfully fell asleep.

So here we are now.

My body feels like crud. I am shocked by the bingeing behavior. I am ashamed and deeply disappointed in myself. I do not feel like eating at all, but I know I must get back on the horse and follow my routine. I am going to have my oatmeal shortly, whether my body wants it or not. I do so want to fall back on my horrible eating pattern of the past: starve all day, then eat out of control in the evening. But I cannot go back there. I will not go back there.

I am really trying to figure out this "insanity." What is driving this bingeing? Am I upset about something? Am I feeling too "comfortable" with my weight right now? Is my body, deep down, unhappy at 157 lbs. and actually wants me to settle in at a higher weight? Or is it that I have denied myself from eating pasta, pizza, cookies, doughnuts etc. for so damn long that my body just can't take it anymore?  Something serious is going on and I want to identify it, address it, solve it.

I'm flustered and cannot get my head straight. So I'm going to take a little break now and pick back up later in the day. I just needed to get this out. I'll be back shortly.

 

Happy Anniversary To Me!

I checked with the clinic and March 28, 2012 was the day I began my Optifast journey weighing 239 lbs. Which means I have passed the one year mark and it's Happy Anniversary to Me! I am thrilled to report that I reached my goal of 160 lbs. in January (according to the clinic scale) and I have been able to successfully maintain my weight at around 157 lbs., on average, for almost three months. I need to remind myself that this is a great accomplishment, to be sure, and that perhaps a jewelry purchase is in order. Maybe a bracelet or watch? Something I can look at daily and be reminded of how far I have come.

Millie did some calculations for me that I want to share:

My Body Mass Index (BMI) when I started was 39.8. That put me in the "Class III Obesity" category.

My BMI today is 26. The "healthy" BMI range is 18.5 - 24.5, but I am big-boned so I am right where I belong.

When I weighed in on Wednesday, the scale registered 158.12 lbs. This is a total loss of 80.65 lbs. I have lost 34% of my body weight. Which translates into the typical size of a fifth-grader. Wow.

I'll add that I have dropped from a size 24W/2X to a size 12/L. I've come a long way baby.

My average weight loss was 2.2 lbs. a week. Subsequently, I was on a full fast for 9 1/2 months, with some occasional clinic-approved meals tossed in there. Yes, this was a long haul. It was very frustrating, sometimes difficult, hard, initially, to accept. But I made it through. And friends, so can you!

My journey is far from over. As I expected, as I feared, maintenance is challenging. I must watch my calories, fat, carb, protein and sodium intake very closely, and I am struggling to get a solid exercise routine in place. But I have identified what I need to do, I am reaching out to the clinic and my friends for help, the weather is getting nicer and my husband is grumbling about getting out and walking more. I met a wonderful woman at the clinic who is just starting out and we discussed the great option of water aerobics. It feels so good to move, she told me. I agree.

As far as my cooking goes, I am at this juncture incorporating the fiber-rich, bulky oriented, fantastic recipes listed in the book, "The iDiet: Use Your Instincts to Lose Your Weight -- And Keep It Off -- Without Feeling Hungry" by Dr. Susan Roberts at Tufts University. It is working beautifully for maintenance, and if you enjoy cooking, this is the book/program for you. I actually believe we all should be cooking our own meals, and limiting eating out to only once or twice a week. And avoiding fast food altogether. But that's just me, and it's strict, but I need those controls in place.

I have permission to share the iDiet recipes, and I'll post the ones I really love, but I also encourage you to order the book. It is available at www.amazon.com at a very affordable price. There is also a Facebook page set up by the iDiet team -- search "myidiet" in Facebook and "like" their page!

So to the jewelry store I might go this weekend. I always get in trouble there, so maybe I'll hold off. But I believe something special needs to be purchased. It's been quite a year and there is much to celebrate!

When Will I Learn?

It's your entire body!

An early good morning to everyone. I must sadly report that I feel rotten today. I have done it again -- gone out to a restaurant and eaten something too rich for my tummy and now I am paying the price. The target this time was stromboli, which I woofed down at lightening speed. All that dough and cheese and thick sauce...my body is not happy. I know I must stay away from Italian food. It's not so much even about the calories. It's my body. It cannot handle things like this anymore.

I have sharp pain in my mid-section right now, as the doughy mess is moving through my system. I am drinking lots of water but I know I must endure this until it passes through my body. I'm so angry with myself. As I was looking at the menu, there were many options that would have been fine for me. Problem was my tummy was growling because I forgot to have my afternoon snack; my husband said this would be our one meal out for the week; my weight dipped down and I wanted to get it back up a little bit; and I have religiously avoided doughy, cheesy things for a very long time and I wanted to indulge. Plus I was in a good mood and the weather is getting nicer. All of these things converged and I made the selection. Oh, do I wish I had not!

I have come to the full realization that I cannot have almond butter or peanut butter in the house, because I cannot control my urge to eat it directly out of the jar. When will I accept that these cheesy, doughy, rich Italian foods are bad for me too? How many times do I have to suffer from these bad choices at restaurants? I would never make something like this at home. I only eat wheat breads (English muffins, pitas, waffle, etc.). Cheese is highly restricted. I no longer eat sausage. My body has changed. I've just got to make wiser choices when we go out. It's that simple.

I hope you will keep my current experiences in mind when you ease back onto food. The craving for these heavy foods (pizza, pasta, calzones, stromboli, etc.) will be there. It's firmly intact in my case. But your body may have great difficulty processing it. It may look good, taste wonderful, but the aftermath makes it not worth it to indulge. I also know that I still cannot control my eating at a rapid pace. This must be addressed. I barely had a bite chewed and swallowed before the next one was shoved in my mouth. Millie went over this just last week. In fact, I was thinking about this as I was doing it! So that's two big things I ignored. Don't make the same mistakes as me.

It's times like this that I definitely miss the full fast phase. Can you believe it? Yes, it's true. My body was happy, and my tummy was never upset. I didn't have to navigate menus and make poor choices. This, folks, is a big part of the maintenance journey. The choices you must make. I need to step back and visualize things in the "big picture," in other words, follow the eating experience from start to finish. Think about not only how the food tastes, but how my body will respond to it. This is an entirely new way of looking at things, for me. It's foreign, it's different. But it must be done.

I had planned on writing a completely different post today -- I am celebrating my one year anniversary of my enrollment in the Optifast program! I have reached goal, I have been maintaining beautifully for two months. I will be talking about that soon, because it is a major accomplishment -- probably one of the bigger ones in my life. But I wanted to get this point about not eating rich foods penned this morning, while it it fresh in my mind. You know the saying: Do as I say, not as I do. Steer clear of those rich foods. Your body will thank you for it!

Achieving The Balance

My Facebook friend -- and wonderful author of the blog "Optifast Mom" -- posted a great picture the other day drawn by her Optifast clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona. I have "stolen" it Martha (wink, wink) because I think it is most telling. Here it is:

What this picture illustrates is if you exercise frequently (top), you can eat more to maintain your healthy weight; whereas if you exercise less (bottom) you have to closely watch/restrict your eating to successfully maintain. I am a good example of the bottom one. My new goal is to incorporate more exercise so I would more closely resemble the picture at the top -- though I would probably, ultimately, be something in between these two images.

For those who struggle with incorporating exercise, like me, closely monitoring your calorie/fat intake (with MyFitnessPal or equivalent) is fairly crucial, I am finding. So I would advise those who lost their weight through the Optifast program without consistently exercising to keep in mind that if you really want to keep it off, you pretty much must watch your calories etc. like a hawk. This can get tiring, or boring, and you might start to "stray" -- and then, there you go: the weight starts coming back. The upshot is fairly simple. If you like to eat a lot, you must exercise regularly to maintain.

Now in my case, I have found that I cannot really eat a lot anymore. My tummy can't handle rich food and I just don't desire "bad" things like fast food or highly-caloric food often found at "chain" restaurants. I am much more comfortable eating things I prepare myself. I have full control of the ingredients and the portion size. I like to cook -- and that's been the key to my own success. I also have time to cook (I only work part-time and we have no children) and go to the grocery every day. I can easily tell what is newly "on sale"; get the best vegetables and lean meats; and if my grocery store does not have what I need, there are two more groceries very close by. So I am very lucky in this regard. It makes smaller -- but very interesting -- food intake possible, and I maintain without the need for full-tilt exercise every day.

However, I want to remind everyone that all of the experts in weight management know that key to successful weight maintenance is a healthy diet and exercise. Also, good emotional health, which I harp on all the time. I may be on this "lower exercise rate" course now, but it is not the path I intend to follow in the long-run. I will say though that if you are struggling with exercise while newly in maintenance, continue watching what you eat very closely. You don't want things to get out of control while you begin to implement a more steady exercise routine.

So thanks Martha for sharing this picture! I found it very helpful. Ah, the wonders of the Optifast blogging community. (For those who have not visited Martha's "Optifast Mom" blog, there is a link to it on the right side of my blog.)

Calorie Counting: It Matters!

Track it all!

Good morning all. I had a wonderful Easter with the family. Took a few days off from blogging, to catch up on some sleep I really needed. I do most of my writing very early in the morning -- between 5:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. -- so I was slumbering away during writing time. But now I'm back on track and reporting in for duty!

Something very interesting has been going on lately, and I'm not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I have not been using MyFitnessPal for three days. This is because I am beginning to experiment with some of my own recipes for me to eat (versus the ones I cook for my husband), and I do not know how to input the nutritional information. I am also feeling very comfortable "eyeballing" my food (or so I thought), and eating similar things every day, so I didn't feel like counting calories was that important anymore. But now, I'm really starting to question that line of thinking.

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and I am now weighing in at 154 lbs. I started slowly dropping a few days ago, and I guess I didn't pay much attention to it. But yesterday, I felt just a tiny "twinge" of concern. As I think back over the past few days, I realize that I have cut out my evening yogurt; my lunch serving of a pita sandwich and cottage cheese is getting smaller; and sometimes I skip my afternoon snack. Honestly, I haven't been feeling that hungry lately plus I knew the Easter meal was going to be caloric, so I was watching what I ate very, very closely.  I fully expected a gain yesterday, after the meal. But actually, I had a loss.

Now, some might find this a cause for celebration -- and if you have been following my blog, you may remember that I did have this idea (briefly) of resetting my goal weight from 160 lbs. to 150 lbs. That lower figure would put me squarely in the "healthy" range as far as BMI goes. But once I hit my initial goal of 160 lbs., I just had this "feeling" that it was time to phase off the products and back onto real food. It just felt like it was time. I can't really explain it better than that, but you may feel this way too. I think it's common.

As you know, I ultimately settled in around 157 lbs. and I was very comfortable with that. I was using MyFitnessPal every day to track my calories, fat, protein, carbs and sodium. Everything was measured. As I've slowly stopped doing this, what is happening is actually the reverse of what I initially feared: weight gain. It appears if I don't watch my calories, I actually do not take in enough. And the result, as of late, is weight loss.

This is something I need to really keep a close eye on because I am beginning to explore exercise options and one of the hurdles I have is I am tired quite a bit. I just don't feel like I have enough energy lately. I also know I am not getting enough fruit in my diet. I have made an appointment to see Millie, the clinic nutritionist, tomorrow to discuss the fruit problem. I want to also go over my chart to see if I am actually where I need to be vis a vis weight. It could very well be that 154 lbs. is AOK and actually ideal. I'm so glad she is there to help guide me through this. I strongly encourage those in maintenance to continue to keep in touch with the clinic nutritionist. It's key to your success in keeping the weight off.

So this is where things stand today. Emotionally, I'm doing great. The stress at work has eased up considerably. My sleep is back on track. On a fun note, as Spring is slowly coming to Columbus, I did a quick inventory of my clothes and quickly realized some shopping is a top priority! So I am going to venture out again to the department store for a look-see of some new items to purchase. I'm adding shoes to the list -- you will find as you shed inches, your feet become smaller, which means they will no longer fit properly in your shoes! All of mine are too big now. So I'll be hitting the shoe department too.

Have a wonderful day everyone. Hopefully "Spring has Sprung" in your neck of the woods too! All I can say, after this long, gray Ohio winter, is: It's about time!