Wrapped Up In The Books

Apologies for the drop off in posts lately. My nose has been buried deep in my books, as I continue my attempt to educate myself about eating behavior, and good habits and bad habits, and how to process my emotions without turning to food. I'm off on this side tangent of seeking to understand the psychological components of disruptive eating cycles. Just trying to equip myself with more tools to successfully maintain my weight in a healthy way.

I am currently working on "Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat," a book that examines the eating cycle of restrict, overeat, feel great guilt, then repeat the cycle. I've been having vestiges of this and it makes me very uncomfortable.

The book underscores the need to live a mindful life -- staying in the "now" -- instead of wrapping yourself up by just focusing on food. For me, when I hit maintenance, everything for me was about food. What I ate. When I ate. How much I ate. It occupied (and sometimes still does) a very significant portion of my waking hours. Honestly, I don't think I could have avoided this when I hit goal and came off the products. It was just such a big change for me, and diets were foreign to me, so food took on great importance.

Now interestingly, since I freed myself up from the scale recently, my indulge-feel guilt-restrict cycle hasn't been as bad. It's like some daily pressure is off my shoulders and I seem to naturally, on my own, follow a more healthy pattern. And my weight is holding steady (to the best of my knowledge). Clothes fit, not eating to fullness, make wise eating choices. I'm not saying my approach works for everyone. But it does for me right now and I guess that's what counts.

I've also moved away from tracking calories through MyFitnessPal -- but this is not something I would recommend you do, at least in the beginning of maintenance. I just needed to do this because I was getting obsessed with the counting and getting resentful and stressed. I must also admit flat out that I don't like technology. (I think I am going to turn my iPhone back in to my employer and get something else.) That's just how I am, and I know I'm like an ostrich, with it's head in the sand. But honestly, things move at a much more relaxed pace that way and I like that.

So all in all, I'm doing okay right now. I have maintenance class tomorrow night, and my session with Millie and weigh-in at the clinic on Wednesday. Husband and I will be going out of town over Labor Day weekend -- family reunion in Massachusetts -- and that will pose some challenges. I'll discuss my strategy with Millie and make the necessary preparations.

Have a great evening all!

Saved By Miss Nell

I must tell you about something so amazing that happened, something so unbelievable, that I think some Higher Power must be involved. Earlier today, I wrote my blog entry (see below). I was extremely upset and knew I needed to walk (even though I didn't want to), so I begrudgingly got a t-shirt and some shorts on, laced up my walking shoes, and started to walk out the door.

Then I saw my 14-year old Basset Hound, Miss Nell, looking up at me from her bed. Nell has arthritis in her hind legs, and often cannot go on her daily walk, and when she does, we do not go very far anymore. I now walk her separately from my 3 1/2 year old Basset Sir Little Legs. She cannot walk at his pace or as far. When Nell and I walk, I let her set our pace and our course -- she is not walked on a leash anymore. She pretty much goes the same route now. It never changes.

I was about to head out the door, saw Nell, and stopped. I thought, "Well, before I go for my walking streak, I'll just take Nell around the block." I motioned to her (she is very hard of hearing now) and she came to the door and followed me out.

As usual, we started out on our familiar route. But then something happened. She stopped, and suddenly veered way off course and crossed the street, going in a whole new direction. I was surprised, but let her keep going, because Bassets are stubborn -- trying to make them turn around is very, very difficult. Particularly if they are not on a leash.

Nell kept going, block by block by block, until we reached the park. I'm going to guess this was about .5 mile. We went to a shady spot in the interior, and only then did she lie down to rest. A mere 5 minutes later, she was back on her feet, and we walked a little more in the park before she finally turned around for the long walk home. I got panicked she might collapse, but no, she kept going. Along the way, I made her stop outside an ice cream shop to drink some water. She barely had any. That 14-year old angel -- 98 years old in human years -- kept slowly plodding on. Yes, stopping briefly at times, but for the most part continuing without stopping.

I don't know why she chose today -- a day I have been struggling so much -- to complete this monumental task for her. But as she slumbers peacefully on her giraffe bed, I am sitting here close to tears. If Little Nell, an arthritic dog in her twilight years, can keep going, step by step, on a one-mile trek, there is no reason I cannot do the same. If Little Nell can show such determination in spite of difficulty, I will follow her example. She is my guardian angel, my beloved companion, has never left my side in times of duress. Indeed, they say Bassets are God-sent. Look in their soulful eyes and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I'm heading up to bed now, feeling more peaceful than I have in a long time. I love you Nell. Good night and sleep tight.

Putting Down The Pom Poms

Last Wednesday I had my weigh-in at the clinic. My current weight: 170 lbs. This is 10 lbs. over my goal weight, and includes a 5 lb. gain off the bat when my thyroid and other medicine were increased in June. So we can deduce I have 5 lbs. of vacation weight to lose, and that the remainder will be very difficult to shed, unless I am on Optifast (or a similar very low calorie diet). At least that's been my experience.

I'm going to get very, very honest and say that today, four days later, I'm putting down my Optifast cheerleader pom poms and going to tell you straight up: I'm frightened. I'm paralyzed. I'm upset. I want to cry. I'm anxious. And I don't know what to do.

My "recovery plan" is all over the map again. One minute I feel content to just stay the course with a high-fiber diet, kick start more exercise, and get back into "patience" and "acceptance" that I have a good shot at carving off 5 lbs. in due course. But the next moment, I get scared that I'm getting out of control and must resume Optifasting ASAP to get back down to my goal weight (and maybe farther down, to accommodate future med increases). Then I become deeply concerned that this will spark "yo-yo" dieting, and I do not want to have anything to do with that.

Folks, I'm at a crossroad. I was traversing my maintenance road and now it feels like I've come to a screeching halt. All I can manage to do right now is follow my high-fiber diet guidelines for most of the week; play tennis and bicycle and walk the dogs; fight tooth and nail not to eat out of control when we go out to our restaurants twice a week; and seek solace on Facebook and in my books on emotional eating and battling cravings.

Some might say, "Just exercise more." Others might say, "I told you so. You'll soon be part of that vast majority that gains all their weight back after a liquid diet." What I am trying to say to myself, what I am trying to believe, is when you have a big decision to make, and don't know which direction to go, just stay where you are for awhile until the path you want to take comes into better focus. Which basically translates into keep the weight gain capped at 170 lbs., slowly make the dietary/exercise changes needed to bring the number back down, and keep talking about and writing out your feelings to keep things under control.

I want to be positive here. I want to show that maintenance after weight loss through Optifast is possible, that in fact I am doing it. But today -- today I'm just plain scared and upset. I'm not feeling positive at all. I tried to talk with my husband about it, but understandably it's sorta hard for him to get the full gist of my feelings. Facebook friends in transition and maintenance certainly, clearly understand. So I've turned to them for support. But inevitably, it comes down to me and the "now."  

Today I want to eat. Just eat and eat and eat and eat. To hell with calorie counting, salt monitoring, exercise, the whole she-bang. Today, I don't want to weigh at the clinic anymore. I don't want to talk about weight management anymore. I want to...I just...I want to give up.

And I can't.

Maintenance is hard. Pardon the language, but it's a bitch. Right now. For me. I'm fighting against myself, and I'm mad about it. I know it's time to take a walk, just move, clear my head. But here I am at 2:00 p.m. still in my nightgown. I know what I need to do. Go upstairs. Throw some water on my face. Pull on some shorts and a t-shirt. Walk around the park. Then stop by the grocery and get my fixings for my lunch. And this is what I will do. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I resent it, actually. Right now.

This is a nice vent. At least I got some of this out. And it will be here for me to read over when my head clears, and I can say, "Yes, I survived that."

Hello Cravings

Boo!

Well, yesterday was a pain in the you-know-what. A "monster" came out of the closet to torment me all day. Very strong cravings for fattening food pretty much ruined my afternoon and evening, but I did not give in so I awoke today feeling quite proud of myself and relieved.

I'm one step ahead of the game in that I know there is a big difference between cravings and actual hunger. I learned that when I was Optifasting. This was the urge to eat in response to some very good news my husband shared with me. I wanted to celebrate -- by stuffing myself with highly caloric food. Isn't this something many of us do? I know that was my response before I lost my weight. But things are different now. And I have to act accordingly, even though it is extremely difficult right now.

I am so, so happy that I have the experience on how to manage cravings. I engaged in deep breathing, I got outside and walked around, and I began drinking hot cinnamon tea (even though it was hot outside). I went to Facebook and helped others. My husband was also a big help. I called him from the grocery store when the urge to buy "bad" things got intense. It's really hard fighting back cravings on your own, so his help (and the help of my Facebook friends) made the situation much easier to handle.

I'll tell you something else that kept the caloric food from my mouth: I knew I had my weigh in at the clinic today, and my weight is going down on paper. Now that I am not weighing at home anymore, these "official" weigh-ins reinforce accountability more than ever. I kept thinking about how I wanted to see things stabilized at around a 5-10 lb. gain, and that we were setting a point where we can start moving downward. The higher the weight is, the longer I must work to get it back down. This kept me on the straight and narrow. Another reason to stay close to your clinic when you reach goal.

Be aware that it's highly likely that intense cravings will crop up in maintenance. But fortunately, there are ways to handle them. I again encourage folks to get "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food." It's giving me great comfort right now. Have a great day everyone.

At Ease, Soldier

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my predicament with my vacation weight gain, and sending emails to Millie and Kathy for advice as to how to handle the situation. In addition, I've been reading "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" and I'm finding that very insightful and comforting. I'm coming to the conclusion that I've pretty much got all the stressors in my life under control, with the exception of the weight issue -- and if I can come to grips with it/handle it, things will be optimal in my life.

Here's the upshot, I think: I can go ahead and start Optifasting again to get myself down to 160 lbs. (and beyond), but if I don't address the emotional eating and my unwillingness to make healthy eating choices at restaurants; find more balance in my eating routine during the week; exercise more; and just embrace a more relaxed mindset, I'm going to gain the weight right back again. End of story. This is not an example of Optifast being evil, or not working, or being a bad program to follow if you want to lose weight. On the contrary, Optifast is a great option for losing weight -- particularly if you have lots of weight to lose. But maintenance is the real kicker, has always been the real deal, and I've found the emotional behavioral work that has to be done to be just as important as exercise and counting calories.

Acting on Millie's advice, I have stopped weighing myself at home. I am going to only weigh at the clinic on Wednesdays. I consider tomorrow's weigh in to be very similar in some respects to my first weigh in when I started the program. It's my starting point, and I will move forward from there. I am back on my normal eating routine, played tennis last night and we are playing again this evening, continuing to seek out support on Facebook, and doing lots of deep breathing to calm my anxiety. My husband is a great support, as are members of my family.

I do feel "thick" and personally, I notice the gain in the mirror and when I wear clothes. But I was wise to buy clothes that were still a little big on me as I neared goal weight. I guess I anticipated all along I would gain some weight back. So I don't feel much guilt about the money I have spent on a new wardrobe. It has not been wasted (yet).

So tomorrow starts my new program of nipping weight gain in the bud. Actually, halting gain and bringing it back down. In a way, I'm looking forward to it. As always, onward we go, One Day At A Time, One Pound At A Time. Ready, set, go!

Can I Optifast A Second Time Around?

It's funny. I had planned on sharing with you details about my vacation, and stumbling blocks I encountered, and here I find myself much more interested in hashing out the pros and cons of Optifasting again. It's really occupying my thoughts, particularly because my weight shot back up to 170 lbs. this morning. I let loose this weekend, and I'm disgruntled, and I'm sensing I did this because I still have that "vacation mindset." Then let's throw in my propensity to worry, and here you have a bad situation all around.

Let me lay out my history since reaching goal and moving into maintenance:

For roughly the first 5 months in maintenance (I'm 7 months in now), in my case, I watched things very, very closely. Counted calories religiously and only ate out once a week -- and when I did, I looked over the menu like a hawk, passed up things I wanted, but knew were caloric, and made simple, wise choices. I began exercising frequently.

As I moved into the sixth month, things started slowly to change. I kept exercising, but I began to really let loose on my dinner out. Ordering highly caloric things. Not watching portion size. Eating quickly. Over time, I told my husband I wanted TWO dinners out, Friday and Saturday. Both nights, I ate whatever I wanted. It's becoming clear to me now that my body fat is rapidly coming back. I've become a "restrictive dieter" Sunday through Friday afternoon, then all hell breaks loose.

I know the key here is nip this darn thing in the bud ASAP. Put the brakes on now. Because experience is showing I am falling back into my old habits very, very quickly. I'm not really surprised, I'm more angry at my eating choices because I have been staying so close to the clinic, talking with Millie, attending the classes a second time around, reading extensively about emotional eating/how to change bad eating behavior. I'm pretty darn educated/saturated with all of this.

If I decide to Optifast again, I'm going to set my goal at the one we discussed half-way through my initial fast that would place me firmly in the "healthy" BMI range: 150 lbs. That would be a 20 lb. loss. Certainly not as daunting as the 80 lb. loss I faced when I first started the program. I choose this because I know there will be an automatic 3-4 lb. gain when I come off product. And my true comfort level is in the mid 150s. Roughly a size 10-12. (I buy size 14 to cover myself if there is gain -- frugal to the end.)

The more I think about this, the more it makes sense. However, everything will be discussed with Millie and Kathy. And as I said yesterday, I am not making any moves until after Labor Day. I have a family function in Massachusetts coming up and I don't want to fumble around with getting into ketosis during it. But a new plan is shaping up. I'm intrigued, I'm getting focused. We'll see what ultimately transpires.

Paying The Piper: Post Vacation Recovery Plan

Time for another go-around?

Well, the scale has not been a "friend" this week, dipping and rising at will, it seems. Although I returned from vacation last week and immediately went back to my high fiber/low calorie/low sodium diet, things have not stabilized at a point where I am truly comfortable. Millie has told me I can expect to get back to my ideal 159 lbs. (I'm currently at 167 lbs.) by mid-late October (if I stick with my current eating plan). But that seems so far away...I want these 10 lbs. off now.

I have been flirting with the idea of going back onto the Optifast products for a brief time -- but then I remember how long it took me to get my weight off, and the frustration I had, and the blood draws and product cost. After a 9 1/2 month fast, I sorta like being able to prepare food I can eat. I like my weekly meal out with my husband. But of course, there's anxiety with carting around 10 extra pounds now. I'm uncomfortable. And I don't like feeling this way.

Do you remember when I flirted with the idea of getting down to 150 lbs. so I would have "wiggle room" to gain 5-7 lbs. and be okay with it? I've started thinking about this again. My average monthly loss rate on Optifast was roughly 8 lbs. So I could Optifast for two months and get very close to 150 lbs. All of this, of course, must be discussed with Millie. I don't even know if I can physically/emotionally Optifast again. And I've heard going on the products a second time around is very, very challenging. Many can't do it. And as you know, I hate wasting money.

So I'm in a dilemma right now. Time for another email to Millie. We'll get this sorted. I just want it done sooner rather than later.

New Facebook Optifast Support Boards

In addition to my home away from home Facebook support page "Optifast Chat Support," there are now two new Facebook Optifast Support boards for you to join and receive advice/feedback on your Optifast journey: "Optifast Support" and "Optifast Maintenance." As of right now, Optifast Maintenance is a much smaller group but the feedback has been extremely helpful for me, given the maintenance stage I am in right now. I encourage you to join all three pages. See you there!

She Returns...Well Rested And Relaxed!

Well greetings and salutations dear readers! Yes, I have returned from our two week California adventure, replete with driving (we put 1,500 miles on the rental car); hiking mountains; walking beaches; riding horses; and yep, you guessed it: indulging in some decadent meals along the way. I'll get right to a point you might be wondering about. How much weight did Melissa gain? Well, I had predicted I would pack on 10 lbs. but I came in a little below that. I think we're looking at a 7 lb. gain. And guess what.

I'm not panicking!

Hard to believe it's me saying this. Those who have read this blog know I have been anxiety-ridden over maintenance for months. Frightened of any weight gain. Convinced if I loosened up my controlled eating in any way, I'd plow my 80 lbs. back onto my body at record speed. But no, that hasn't happened. I returned two days ago and immediately fell back into my maintenance eating routine. It's actually effortless. And I like it! Things could change, but honestly, I'm comforted by my familiar eating schedule and the similarity of what I eat day to day. I feel balanced, and I truly believe this vacation helped "re-set" my state of mind about my body and myself. I needed this extended getaway more than I thought.

I know this may not hold, but I have lost 3 lbs. of the 7 lb. gain in just two days. You know I prefer my high fiber/low sodium/low calorie diet, and that's what I am following. Now, I ate lots of salty foods on the trip, so maybe this is just water weight coming off. Regardless, I'm happy and very, very relaxed. I'm picking back up with the two-mile "streaking" walk this week and that should expedite the weight loss even more. So there's no need to fall apart. This is Maintenance 101 and I'm doing it!

In line with my belief that I need to stay close to the clinic for accountability, I have an appointment to see Millie at 3:45 p.m. tomorrow, and then I will sit in on the class. I don't think I want to step on their scale...that reflects my "recorded" weight, and it could make me nervous. I will definitely be weighed next Wednesday. It just might be a good idea to hold off on weighing at the clinic until then. We'll see. I could change my mind tomorrow. That has happened in the past.

I'm thrilled to be back blogging again. I really missed it! I'm tired now, but in the coming days I will relay to you how I handled difficult eating situations and provide information about some bad eating habits that cropped up along the way. Just wanted all to know I'm back safe and sound, and eager to continue my Optifast maintenance journey. Have a great evening everyone!