Permission Not Granted

Not you again!

I had what I am calling a "eating breakdown" day yesterday. Oh, the day started out just fine. Opti 800 for breakfast, lunch and snack. Then my husband checked in and said he had been given two tickets to the ice hockey game. That threw my planning for a loop. We would go grab a quick bite out, he said, then go to the arena. We went to the little eatery we always go to, and I ordered a new selection on the menu: roasted vegetables with a grilled chicken breast. The meal arrived. And my serving was tiny.

When I finished my meager offering, my husband was only half-way through his meal. He hailed the waitress, who is very sweet, and said my dinner was very small and we expected more for the price of the dish. She apologized, and then came back with a plate loaded with oily, roasted vegetables. Don't get me wrong -- they were fabulous. But I knew right then and there I was exceeding my allowable calories for the day on my transition/maintenance plan. Of course, I ate them all and said that would be it for the night.

And as they say, best laid plans often go awry.

We arrived at the arena and immediately I wanted something sweet. I knew cookies or ice cream or candy was out of the question. So I settled on 1/2 coffee, 1/2 hot cocoa. Yes, I felt guilty, but I drank the wonderful elixir and again told myself that was it. But then the gentlemen in the row in front of us arrived. Each had a beer and a hot dog -- oh no, those arena hot dogs. I was mesmerized. I watched them eat, salivating all the while, knowing that I just had to have one of them too. So when the first period ended, obtain one I did. I gobbled it up, loving it and hating it at the same time. Now, these are small "stadium" hot dogs -- not the jumbo variety -- and according to MyFitnessPal they are about 250 calories. (If you trust their estimates.)  But as we all know, the nutritional value is horrible and hello fat. Sigh.

As you can probably guess, I got on the scale when I got home and it registered 159 lbs. That's the equivalent of 161 lbs. on the clinic scale. I panicked, slid into bed and just stared up at the ceiling. How could I have done this? What was I thinking? I'm not "allowed" to have extra servings or hot dogs! I'm going to become obese again. Just like Oprah. You failure.

But as I sit here right now, I'm starting to wonder. If I impose incredibly strict eating guidelines on myself, it is just going to lead to rebellion -- two hot dogs per game, two hot dogs and ice cream, binges, hiding food, you name it. By not giving myself "permission" to have something occasionally that is not on my "legal" food plan, I am setting myself up for more "eating breakdowns." I've just got to ease up a little bit -- I'm wound so tight and this is all fear-based. I'm struggling to find the middle ground here. Folks, this is just all so foreign to me. I just don't have any experience with dieting and maintenance. I'm trying to do a good job -- I want to succeed -- but I'm confused and frustrated a lot of the time.

Good news is I'm back on my schedule today. Opti 800 for breakfast, lunch and snack, a transition/maintenance dinner of 4 oz. salmon + spinach salad, and then a small serving of my yogurt concoction. I'll repeat this throughout the week. I see my dietitian for my special counseling session tomorrow. Let's go positive here: I can do this. I'll get things back in line. I'm going to be okay. Perhaps most importantly, did I enjoy myself last night? Heck yes. We won! Let's not lose sight of that. Onward, Melissa. You can do it.