Night Moves

Well, it happened again. The night grazing. Is this always going to be the bane of my existence? No, it wasn't too bad, but my husband spoke up about it again, and I had promised myself (and him) that I wouldn't draw him into "policing" me because I could do it myself. I had done so well all throughout the day. I had an Opti 800 for breakfast and lunch, some orange sections and a string cheese for snack, and a "lean" version of a Salad Nicoise for dinner. (Lettuce, par-boiled green beans, 2 oz. tuna, hard boiled egg, thin slices of red onion, and a splash of a balsamic vinaigrette I made.) But an hour later, into the kitchen I crept.

First, I started in with a small bowl of no-fat yogurt, fresh raspberries, a few crushed walnuts and Splenda. Then came a bowl of bran flakes and skim milk. No, it wasn't big. It was small. So small, that I made myself another. And then my husband's familiar voice: "Are you in there binging again?" he said. "No," I replied, lying through my teeth. And his rote response. "You are going to undo all your hard work." I feel like dirt. I skulk out ashamed. I go upstairs and get ready for bed. I'm hiding from the kitchen. I'm hiding from myself.

Folks, I am having great difficulty curbing this bad behavior and I've just got to start getting back to the basics of handling cravings. This is NOT hunger. As I've said in the past, there is a key difference between a craving and sheer hunger. I was craving the texture and crunch of the food. Maybe craving something sweet. I have also been feeling a little depressed, and that could be caused by the grey skies every day and cold temperatures. I wanted to feel better.

Perhaps it is time to go back over my list of foods that help ease anxiety and depression. I have started taking the Magnesium pill every day. And I saw my therapist yesterday, and we talked a bit about depression this time of year. We see each other weekly, so I've got that support in place. I think I may begin my one-hour counseling sessions with the dietitian next week. My plan was to start those up when I was fully back to food, but I may try to get them going now, if I can. I will email my dietitian to see if that's possible.

The thing that really concerns me is my immediate feeling of self-loathing after I night graze. I know the root of it -- the fear that I am starting down the path back to obesity. And I am "failing." Also, I've got self-esteem problems (I work on this with my therapist). I have everything identified clearly. Some might think I'm ahead of the game because acceptance of the problems is half the battle, and I'm actively working to overcome these things. So I guess there are positives here. That wretched scale is showing me holding nice and steady at 157 lbs. Yet, I don't trust it. As you know, I presently hate it.

But, today is a new day. I tell my Optifast friends over and over again, if you have a slip, get right back on that horse and keep moving forward. My words wouldn't mean much if I don't do that myself. Onward I shall go, in this often trying transition/maintenance period. I knew it would be challenging and indeed, it is. Ready, get set, go!