Back To The "Present"

Woke up this morning feeling much, much better. My "experiments" with transitioning are over, and I am just going to get out of this thinking of how much I have spent on this program over the past months, and how much I weighed in the past and all the pain that resided there. Folks, I've had to remind myself over and over again -- when I go into the past, or jump into anxiety about the future (and gaining all the weight back) I get into big trouble. I am miserable and I cease enjoying where I am now, which is at the initial goal I set when I started, and a mere 9 lbs. to the new goal that will put my BMI in the "healthy" range. First mission accomplished.

When you know without an ounce of doubt that most people will gain back most (if not all) of the weight they lost through Optifast, it is damn near impossible for me not to worry that I will fall into that camp too. But I cannot lose sight of the key reason why most gain the weight back: they, for whatever reason, have an extremely difficult time following Optifast's maintenance program. My clinic is stressing two simple things: Continued exercise and having a healthy diet. This is the cornerstone of every normal diet on the planet. It is not complicated. Now, I know, for me, I've got to do more work than just that. I have to unpack why I am eating to manage my emotions, and I have to institute cognitive behavioral activities to keep my weight off. (Refer to "The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like A Thin Person.") That's just me. I'm not saying you have to go this route, but I'm following it. Will it work? That remains to be seen. But it's the strategy I'm planning today.

The other thing I know is when I try to take things in my own hands, and don't ask for help and support, I get into big, big trouble. Right now, I have no clue how to transition off of a full fast Optifast program. I don't know how to read and understand "exchange" charts. I don't know how to use "MyFitnessPal" and honestly, I have no iPhone, I don't want one, I am a technological novice and truth be told, I kind of like it that way. I don't want a pedometer. I will not use it. Period. I harbor no delusions about my shortcomings where all of this is concerned, and this is just who I am. I am going to have to work harder to keep things under control, but I accept that. There are some things about me that will not change. And I need to ask the dietitians to help me find ways to work around all of this and still succeed with holding my goal weight. It can be done. It will be done. I just need help.

I thought today I would go to Nordstrom's with the gift card my husband gave me for Christmas. I need some make up, and maybe I can look in the lingerie section for a nice bra or nightie. I won't wear anything "racy," but something pretty could be nice. I am going to do something for myself that makes me feel good. I'm tired of feeling anxious, being constantly fearful of binges, obsessively worrying about money. I want all of that off of my shoulders, if only for one day. So out I am going. I've had a tough, tough time since December, but I refuse to dwell on that today. I am living in the present. As hard as that may be. I need some serenity, and I'm off to find it.