Is The "Slope" Calling Again?

Have you seen my skis?

Well, let's see. I'm in an, err, "interesting" place right now. I guess I could describe it as it's been very cold here lately, and my ski parka is looking mighty warm and inviting right now. (For those who haven't been following my blog, when I talk about "ski parkas" or "skis" I am referring to "suiting up" to get on the proverbial slope back to obesity.) Some things happened last night involving "real" food and I'm slightly concerned. When that is the case, I come here and write about it. It helps.

Here's what unfolded: I knew we were going out for my weekly special/restricted meal dinner. It was a busy day, so I only had two Optifast shakes and a pickle before we went out. I should have four products and the dinner. We got to the restaurant, and suddenly I changed my mind on what I would order. I substituted red pepper hummus and "pita chips" for my veggies. I know hummus is high in protein and good for you. BUT when the dish came, it was an extremely meager serving of hummus and a plate full of crispy, deep fried pita triangles. I was taken aback -- this was most definitely not what I had envisioned. I said to myself, "Okay. Have one or two chips, put a good spread of hummus on them, and call it a day." But no. Of course, that did not happen.

In a heartbeat, the hummus was gone, there just wasn't a lot there. So I had a big plate of greasy pita chips staring me in the face. I turned my attention to my spinach salad with the grilled chicken breast. I began eating that. Then I looked back at the chips. Okay, I'll have another. Back to salad. And then, as you can guess, it was off to the races and all the chips were soon down the gullet. Folks, they were over-done. They didn't even taste good -- heck, they were horrible. I knew it, and I kept on going. Predictably, the guilt hit. And things didn't stop there.

When I got home, I had one of the most powerful cravings for carbs I have ever had in my life. I frantically thought to myself, is there anything in this house with carbs that is lower in calories? I remembered that I have some quick-cook Quaker Oats -- old canister, but usable. I read the directions on the back, and it said prepare with milk. I have two types of milk in the fridge: whole milk for my husband's mashed potatoes and skim milk for my coffee. I wanted that whole milk -- but settled for 1/2 whole, 1/2 skim in the oatmeal. When I took it out of the microwave and tasted it, it was bland and horrible. I added some honey and a little bit of brown sugar. That made it better. Down the hatch. Time to stop? No.

Next I went to the fridge. I saw my jello I always make sure is in the there. On the shelf above was a small Tupperware container containing a small piece of chocolate cake leftover from Christmas. My husband wanted it. I silently grabbed it, pried off the lid ever-so-quietly so he wouldn't hear, and took two bites. Then I stopped. Melissa, what are you doing? I called out to my husband. "Get in here! Take this goddamn cake away!" I was so mad at myself. I made some vanilla chai tea and went to the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page. I didn't post about the incident, but was able to engage with some friends about other issues. Things calmed down, and I had my jello and went to bed.

So here we are now.

Okay. We can look at this incident in a few ways. Problem 1: I went to the restaurant hungry. I did not have enough product in me. Big no-no. Problem 2: I've restricted myself from carbs and sugar for such a long time that when I get one taste of them, it's off I go. Problem 3: I start hating myself when I eat carbs and sugar.

Success 1: I did not fall victim to a full-tilt collapse and binge. Success 2: I had my special dinner of salad and 4 oz. protein. Success 3: I am writing about this incident openly and not hiding from it. Success 4: I stayed away from the scale.

I'm extremely glad I am a cook and had that oatmeal staple on hand. What I am going to do is ask the clinic for a list of specific items I can stock up on now to have in my kitchen at all times. Produce must be bought fresh (I buy it every day and use it that day), but staples can be stored. I firmly believe these carb cravings are going to be present in quite a fierce way from now on, at least in my case. Remove those Optifast products and my product schedule, and it's "danger zone" for me.

So I am choosing to look at all this as a huge learning experience. One not anticipated, but helpful. Oh, this transition and maintenance is going to be a long road. Give me the strength to get through it. I am back to full fasting -- and its safety -- for a week, with no interruptions. I hope. I'm definitely, however, in a tight space. And this I don't like.