Thank You Readers!

You know, I was going to write something deep this morning about "accountability" and my foray into "MyFitnessPal" (as you know I am a technological newbie and very hesitant to embrace this high-tech stuff). But I really want to take a moment and thank all of the wonderful people who are following my journey, my struggles through the Optifast program and now transition/maintenance. I am so flattered and encouraged by your comments and emails -- they underscore for me that I am not alone in this.

It's been very rough for me navigating these current transition "potholes," these bumps in the road. I'd love to have a nice, smooth walkway, but sometimes I feel like I'm out in the jungle with a machete. But knowing that I have people beside me helping me clear the brush is so comforting. Honestly, I really couldn't get through this transition period without you, my dietitian and all of the wonderful Optifast clinic staff, my family and the fabulous group of "OptiDivas and OptiDudes" gathered on the Optifast Chat Support page on Facebook. I just could not do all this hard work alone. I'd pack my weight back on in no time, and then I'd be right back where I started. An obese, unhappy, unhealthy person. And that person I never want to be again.

A special thanks goes out to my husband, who has patiently "put up with" my hours on the computer. I jest here, but he does understand that embracing this program fully has been such a big thing in my life right now, and I want to focus a good deal of energy on it. I did try to share some of my anxiety about the scale and numbers with him and he didn't understand it. But he is offering his support in whatever way he can. And I love him for that.

(Speaking of the scale, I did weigh in at the clinic yesterday and as I suspected, I gained a pound and now register 159 lbs. It didn't wreck my evening, but yes, I had a twinge of nervousness. My dietitian talked me through it, and actually told me that many will gain 3-4 lbs. off the bat when they go off the products. So in a way, I am doing quite well. I did tell her that "I cannot handle a 4 lb. weight gain" and she just shook her head and smiled. I know she'll help me through this. Small gains are inevitable, and I can shed them to get back to my healthy comfort zone. Folks, I've got some mental/emotional work to do here, but I'm getting there.)

I continue to make wonderful new friends at the clinic, male and female. We are in different stages right now -- some just starting, some half-way through, some like me, in transition, and others who have been maintaining for awhile. I have become much more outgoing, and I have had great conversations. The clinic staff love to see us engaging with one another and encourage it. I do so look forward to my Wednesday evenings when I go to my clinic. So I want to be sure to include my clinic friends in my "thank you" to everybody.

I will let you know that there are some people I know out there -- a few friends and others -- who are highly skeptical of Optifast and what I have done. Yes, it hurts, and I feel this need to "justify" it to them. But I've been thinking lately that it's not really worth the time to do so. They don't know what it's like to step on a scale at 239 lbs., frightened and ashamed, and now get on and weigh in at a healthy, normal weight. They don't know the wonderful, intelligent, caring staff at the clinic, and how much they have taught me about weight management and exercise. They have never had to dig really deep inside themselves and commit to something completely for 9 1/2 months. My husband always points this out. What I have done is truly incredible and shows a fortitude that few have.

So I'm not writing for them. I'm writing for you (and me, of course). Thanks one and all for cheering me on, helping me get through the tough times, reminding me that everything is going to be AOK and I am doing well. Have a wonderful day all. Make the most of it. I'm going to try to myself!

Permission Not Granted

Not you again!

I had what I am calling a "eating breakdown" day yesterday. Oh, the day started out just fine. Opti 800 for breakfast, lunch and snack. Then my husband checked in and said he had been given two tickets to the ice hockey game. That threw my planning for a loop. We would go grab a quick bite out, he said, then go to the arena. We went to the little eatery we always go to, and I ordered a new selection on the menu: roasted vegetables with a grilled chicken breast. The meal arrived. And my serving was tiny.

When I finished my meager offering, my husband was only half-way through his meal. He hailed the waitress, who is very sweet, and said my dinner was very small and we expected more for the price of the dish. She apologized, and then came back with a plate loaded with oily, roasted vegetables. Don't get me wrong -- they were fabulous. But I knew right then and there I was exceeding my allowable calories for the day on my transition/maintenance plan. Of course, I ate them all and said that would be it for the night.

And as they say, best laid plans often go awry.

We arrived at the arena and immediately I wanted something sweet. I knew cookies or ice cream or candy was out of the question. So I settled on 1/2 coffee, 1/2 hot cocoa. Yes, I felt guilty, but I drank the wonderful elixir and again told myself that was it. But then the gentlemen in the row in front of us arrived. Each had a beer and a hot dog -- oh no, those arena hot dogs. I was mesmerized. I watched them eat, salivating all the while, knowing that I just had to have one of them too. So when the first period ended, obtain one I did. I gobbled it up, loving it and hating it at the same time. Now, these are small "stadium" hot dogs -- not the jumbo variety -- and according to MyFitnessPal they are about 250 calories. (If you trust their estimates.)  But as we all know, the nutritional value is horrible and hello fat. Sigh.

As you can probably guess, I got on the scale when I got home and it registered 159 lbs. That's the equivalent of 161 lbs. on the clinic scale. I panicked, slid into bed and just stared up at the ceiling. How could I have done this? What was I thinking? I'm not "allowed" to have extra servings or hot dogs! I'm going to become obese again. Just like Oprah. You failure.

But as I sit here right now, I'm starting to wonder. If I impose incredibly strict eating guidelines on myself, it is just going to lead to rebellion -- two hot dogs per game, two hot dogs and ice cream, binges, hiding food, you name it. By not giving myself "permission" to have something occasionally that is not on my "legal" food plan, I am setting myself up for more "eating breakdowns." I've just got to ease up a little bit -- I'm wound so tight and this is all fear-based. I'm struggling to find the middle ground here. Folks, this is just all so foreign to me. I just don't have any experience with dieting and maintenance. I'm trying to do a good job -- I want to succeed -- but I'm confused and frustrated a lot of the time.

Good news is I'm back on my schedule today. Opti 800 for breakfast, lunch and snack, a transition/maintenance dinner of 4 oz. salmon + spinach salad, and then a small serving of my yogurt concoction. I'll repeat this throughout the week. I see my dietitian for my special counseling session tomorrow. Let's go positive here: I can do this. I'll get things back in line. I'm going to be okay. Perhaps most importantly, did I enjoy myself last night? Heck yes. We won! Let's not lose sight of that. Onward, Melissa. You can do it.  

A Tale Of Two Siblings

As you may recall, my "baby" brother did Optifast in the early 1980s, when he was in High School, almost  three decades ago. That's how I knew about the program. My memory of him going through it is sketchy, but I do remember photos of him taken when he was through. He looked great, smiling, very handsome. (He's still handsome!) Some have asked how he is today, and I smile. Honestly? Perhaps at the heaviest weight he has ever been. Why? Because he's fallen in love, they love to go out to eat, he's raising two kids, he doesn't exercise, and he's very busy at work.

He told me he knows what he needs to do -- exercise and diet -- and he's pretty darn close to reaching his "breaking point" of moving into action. Oh he's been here before. Many times. He's a "yo-yo" dieter. He's very, very intelligent and knows what drives his behavior psychologically and emotionally. He'll tell you straight up he's terrible at discipline. He's dead honest that weight is going to be problem for him for the rest of his life. I really appreciate his honesty, and his support through my entire Optifast program and now maintenance is deeply, deeply appreciated.

I'm blessed to have him in my life.

In my case, I was the one in the family who never really had to diet. For as long as I can remember, I was roughly a size 12-14 and could eat pretty much anything I wanted. I was never compelled to overeat, I would start exercising pretty regularly if I thought things were slipping, I never went on a diet. My problems with weight did not crop up until 10 years ago when my thyroid went nuts and concurrently I got married and started cooking up a storm in the kitchen every day. Up, up, up my weight went and then the trips to the women's section at the department store started, and my self esteem started plummeting, and before you know it, I'm stepping on the scale at my Optifast clinic.

Will my brother enroll in the Optifast clinic again? No. Why? Well, we haven't delved too deeply into this, but I'd wager a guess he knows how rigid and restrictive it is, what it takes to see it the whole way through, and he's been there, done that, and doesn't want to repeat the experience. He also approached maintenance quite differently from me: the first night after he reached goal, he went out and had an extremely fattening meal at a very nice restaurant. He didn't measure anything, he had no anxiety over weight gain, he didn't obsessively weigh himself twice a day. He was in his teens. In a much different phase of his life.

Despite our terrible metabolic rates, the Optifast program worked for my brother. And the Optifast program worked for me. He gained his weight back. We don't know what will happen to me. But we both know this: There's no reason  to blame Optifast or any other diet if you gain all your weight back. The problem is squarely on your own shoulders, in your own head. Don't fool yourself going into the program: Your greatest struggle will not come until the maintenance phase. That's the truth.

In my limited experience so far, this maintenance creature takes a heck of an amount of hard work. At first. I don't want to be a yo-yo dieter like my brother. On the one hand, I don't think my system could handle that; on the other hand, emotionally, I know I couldn't handle that. There is much to learn from his experiences, and I am glad he is sharing it with me.Weight will always, always be an issue for my brother, and now an issue for me. I've got a slight edge on him with the discipline factor, but he's got the edge on me with his experience in dieting. I guess we can help one another in our own journeys. It doesn't hurt that he's a psychologist, too! Together we go through this thing called "life." Glad he's around to help me get through.
  

The Three-Legged Stool

Well, I am starting to look at maintenance as one of those old-time three-legged stools. You have the watching-what-you-eat and calorie etc. counting leg; the exercise leg; then the emotional issues leg. Of course you want all of your legs sturdy so you can sit on the stool. It would also be nice to have a comfy pillow on the stool -- I would call that the "wisdom" padding. I'm still gathering "materials" to get that made, so for now I'm just focusing on having a sturdy seat.

Sure, it would be great to have my stool already made for me by somebody else. Some master craftsman with cutting-edge tools and lots of experience. It would cost a lot, but I'd be willing to deplete my bank account just for the convenience. But alas, this is not an option. There are, however, classes I can take, offering instruction on how to build a sturdy seat. I can get coaching from master craftsmen, and get how-to manuals, and look at examples of well-made stools to use as a guide. Problem is, I'm new to all of this; I want a perfect stool right off the bat; and I'm overwhelmed by all the manuals I can read. And it's just plain hard. I want an easy project.

Right now, all of my three legs, currently under construction, are giving me problems. Trying to build them all at once is a difficult task. I feel like I'm under some deadline to get my stool made -- forgetting that good quality takes time. The emotional leg is particularly causing me problems right now. The weather is gloomy, I'm sad and tired, and then that affects the construction of my other two legs. I eat more than I intended, I don't exercise daily, preferring instead to stay inside and "hermit." Today in particular I'm sick of my stool project, and just want to shove it in the closet.

But, thankfully my instructor Millie makes "house calls" and checked in with an e-mail this morning. So did my classmate Kathy, who is taking our course on-line all the way from California. When I am connected to others I feel so much better, gain more confidence in my project. Millie reminded me that these things do take time, and lots of practice, and I really am doing well. Quite well, in fact. Kathy, dear, dear Kathy, is by my side in the workshop, encountering difficulties and stumbling blocks, but boldly going forward with her project. Other on-line classmates will check in for our study group soon, so I'm not alone.

Students, we are -- in life, actually. Maybe I'll never graduate. Maybe I ultimately will. I am thinking this afternoon I need a little study break. It's been a long week. A nice little nap may be in order. Perhaps snuggle in with a good book (not dieting-related), and then drift off for awhile. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Upstairs I shall go. See you in a bit, stool. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.      

I'm Glum, Chum

Friend or foe?

So it's been gray and cold here for days and my mood has not been that good. It's an extremely tough time to be transitioning/maintaining, because I do so want to "comfort eat" to try and make myself feel better. I know intuitively this will not work, and will ultimately make me feel worse. But the desire is there and I'm trying the best I can to quell it.

My strategy has been to keep the kitchen stocked with healthy low-carb/low fat/low sugar/low calorie foods, so my options are limited to what's available for me to grab. My inventory includes:

String cheese, soy milk (for anxiety), baby carrots, V-8 juice, thin-sliced lean turkey deli meat, albacore tuna, 1% low-fat cottage cheese, no-fat Greek yogurt, fresh berries (blueberries/raspberries/strawberries), 100-calorie pack almonds, walnuts and pecans (I crush a few to put in my yogurt concoction), 100-calorie bag popcorn, low fat whole wheat Wheat Thins, whole grain English muffins and whole grain Eggo waffles (I'll have 1/2 English muffin or 1 waffle if I need some carbs), generic bran flakes, and assorted rice crackers. I steer clear of all chocolate and candy.      

I have five different kinds of teas and a few bags of high-end gourmet coffee. The coffee costs about $13/pound but I believe it's worth every penny. I have found cinnamon tea is a good appetite suppressant and a good flavored coffee like apricot and cream, Maine blueberry, pumpkin spice or toasted coconut satisfies a sweet craving. A certified caffeine junkie, I start in with coffee at 5:00 a.m. and keep going throughout the day. The tea comes in at night. (Amazingly, I still sleep like a rock at night. Hard to believe, eh?)

I have my Beck book, "Think Like A Thin Person" for reading at night, and my blog to work on and my Facebook Optifast friends to connect with daily. I also like looking over the CuisineLite magazines. So I'm trying to keep myself occupied and not think too much about the gloomy weather. It's time for another hot soak in the tub, and I may head out today for some more luxury bubble bath. There's about 3 inches of snow on the ground, and I'll get my exercise when my husband and I go sledding this afternoon. So I have things to do to keep me happy that don't involve eating.

January and February in Ohio is always tough, so the downswing in my mood is understandable. I just need to rely on the tools the clinic has given me to get through this period. Keep "legal" foods in the house. Drink hot or cold tea and lots of water. Get some exercise. Having a strategy in place definitely helps a bit. I'll get through this. Sunny skies will return -- they always do.

Depression And Diet: Suggested Foods

I have located the information my dietitian gave me referencing foods to eat that can improve your mood. Not all are on my transition plan, but many I can incorporate in maintenance. (Actually, if you think about my night grazing, I have been gravitating to yogurt, nuts, milk, cereal and berries. Interesting.)

Folate-sourced: Liver; mushrooms; green, leafy vegetables; lean beef; potatoes; whole-wheat bread; citrus fruits; peanuts; dried beans; wheat germ; peas; strawberries

Omega-3 fatty acids: Salmon; herring; anchovies; tuna; flaxseed; canola oil; soy nuts; walnuts; butter nuts (similar to walnuts)

Vitamin D: Fish-liver oils; fortified milk; herring; salmon; canned sardines; fortified orange juice; fortified cereal

Magnesium: Seeds; nuts; legumes; cereal; dark green vegetables; milk

Night Moves

Well, it happened again. The night grazing. Is this always going to be the bane of my existence? No, it wasn't too bad, but my husband spoke up about it again, and I had promised myself (and him) that I wouldn't draw him into "policing" me because I could do it myself. I had done so well all throughout the day. I had an Opti 800 for breakfast and lunch, some orange sections and a string cheese for snack, and a "lean" version of a Salad Nicoise for dinner. (Lettuce, par-boiled green beans, 2 oz. tuna, hard boiled egg, thin slices of red onion, and a splash of a balsamic vinaigrette I made.) But an hour later, into the kitchen I crept.

First, I started in with a small bowl of no-fat yogurt, fresh raspberries, a few crushed walnuts and Splenda. Then came a bowl of bran flakes and skim milk. No, it wasn't big. It was small. So small, that I made myself another. And then my husband's familiar voice: "Are you in there binging again?" he said. "No," I replied, lying through my teeth. And his rote response. "You are going to undo all your hard work." I feel like dirt. I skulk out ashamed. I go upstairs and get ready for bed. I'm hiding from the kitchen. I'm hiding from myself.

Folks, I am having great difficulty curbing this bad behavior and I've just got to start getting back to the basics of handling cravings. This is NOT hunger. As I've said in the past, there is a key difference between a craving and sheer hunger. I was craving the texture and crunch of the food. Maybe craving something sweet. I have also been feeling a little depressed, and that could be caused by the grey skies every day and cold temperatures. I wanted to feel better.

Perhaps it is time to go back over my list of foods that help ease anxiety and depression. I have started taking the Magnesium pill every day. And I saw my therapist yesterday, and we talked a bit about depression this time of year. We see each other weekly, so I've got that support in place. I think I may begin my one-hour counseling sessions with the dietitian next week. My plan was to start those up when I was fully back to food, but I may try to get them going now, if I can. I will email my dietitian to see if that's possible.

The thing that really concerns me is my immediate feeling of self-loathing after I night graze. I know the root of it -- the fear that I am starting down the path back to obesity. And I am "failing." Also, I've got self-esteem problems (I work on this with my therapist). I have everything identified clearly. Some might think I'm ahead of the game because acceptance of the problems is half the battle, and I'm actively working to overcome these things. So I guess there are positives here. That wretched scale is showing me holding nice and steady at 157 lbs. Yet, I don't trust it. As you know, I presently hate it.

But, today is a new day. I tell my Optifast friends over and over again, if you have a slip, get right back on that horse and keep moving forward. My words wouldn't mean much if I don't do that myself. Onward I shall go, in this often trying transition/maintenance period. I knew it would be challenging and indeed, it is. Ready, get set, go!

Excellent Test Results!

Went to the clinic last night and had two things tested: my percentage of body fat and GEM, which from what I understand is my resting metabolic rate. My dietitian started hooting and hollering when she saw the results. My body fat is 25% -- I started at 44%. I think the "ideal" target for body fat for someone my age (46) and height (5' 6) is 22% so I'm I'm falling right near where I need to be.

As for my metabolic rate, I started with a rate of 1330 and I am now 1340. I thought this was a bad indicator, but oh no, she was thrilled. She said something along the lines of Optifast can, in some cases, cause serious problems with your metabolism but that is not the case with me. Granted, I still have a poor metabolic rate (1850 is the average) but so does everyone in my family. So she hugged me and was so excited. Hooray!

I'm very interested in my massive reduction of body fat, and it really underscores for me the importance of not becoming so wrapped up in the numbers on the scale. Yes, pounds lost is important, but on the Optifast program, you are going to significantly carve off fat and inches. Do not lose sight of this! I have gone from a size 24W/3X all the way down to size 10-12. I shop in the regular women's section. Now yes, I weigh 158 lbs., and for some twisted reason I think I ought to weigh less, but if I really stop and think about this, I look exactly the way I should. I don't need to be any thinner. I am healthy and vibrant and that's the way things should be.

Now emotionally, that's a little bit of a different story. I'm still quite anxious about gaining the weight back. We had our weekly dinner out last night, and went to a high-end restaurant with a special menu of four courses for a good price. I have not faced multiple courses like this for ten months, and I have to say the moment the appetizer was put in front of me I started to get nervous. It didn't matter that I took small bites and left things on my plate. I was obsessing about calories, and would this affect my weight, and it started to become a chore to get through the dinner. I don't think my husband noticed how uncomfortable I was, and I certainly didn't tell him.

When I got home, I did not feel well and had to take some Tums. Right now, it's morning and I haven't weighed myself but I'm nervous and worried about it. So clearly, I'm on shaky ground and have much work to do in order to get comfortable with these restaurants. They will always have a place in our life -- we do not have children, and restaurants play a key role in our social life. Right now, they make me so very nervous. And I don't like that.

But I'll keep plugging away at this and working on it. That's the best I can do. Okay, I'm off to start my day. Pass the Optifast shake!

"Slip" Sliding Away

Game on!

I had a fabulous time at the ice hockey game last night, even though we lost. Hands down, the highlight was our seats. My seat, actually, which I fit into with lots of room to spare! Oh, I wish you could have seen how happy I was to slide into my seat with ease. No squeezing in, uncomfortable for the whole game, feeling horrible about myself the whole time. Oh no, now it's a pure delight to go to the game, knowing that I will be able to settle in a focus on the game -- the whole reason why we go to the hockey arena in the first place!

But...I did have something a little, err, "unplanned" crop up. To welcome back the fans after the long labor dispute this year led to the cancellation of a good part of the season, management was giving out coupons for a free Pepsi, hot dog and popcorn meal. Now, I didn't take one, but my husband sure did. As you know, he's pretty darn frugal and this was a deal he was not going to turn down -- even if he wasn't hungry.

At first, that insidious coupon didn't bother me, but oh as the game progressed...a hot dog sure would taste good, I thought. I haven't had a hot dog, hamburger or pizza for almost ten months. Then, I put it all into motion. Got the coupon, the popcorn and Pepsi for my husband, and the hot dog for me. And it was gone, as you can imagine, in three bites.

Now, the good thing is it was small. So this little "slip" was just that -- little. I did make a choice that made me proud: I was cold in the arena, but stayed away from the hot cocoa, having coffee instead. The cocoa looked very, very good, but I stuck to my coffee and was happy about it. And when the game was over, my husband and I had a longish walk back to the car and we walked very briskly for several blocks. So although it was kind of minimal, I did get some exercise worked into the evening.

I think perhaps the key thing for me is I am not feeling too terribly guilty about this. Certainly, this is progress! (It doesn't hurt that I actually, according to my scale this morning, lost a pound. This is unexpected. I don't know if it will hold, but it was a surprise.) I'm not going to let one little hot dog eclipse the joy I felt fitting into my seat. That was a truly priceless moment and I am so very, very happy about it.

Not fitting into those seats last year was the last straw for me, the rock bottom point I talk about so much. And here it is approximately one year later and I'm free of that burden. And it feels wonderful. Mr. Hot Dog, it was nice knowing you for about 30 seconds. Mr. Arena Seat, I look forward to developing a blossoming friendship with you for many, many years to come!

I'm At Goal, But Why Do I Want More?

Well, this is odd. And maybe troubling. As you know, that dreaded scale is making itself quite comfortable in my bathroom. And I say "hello" to it in the morning and before I go to bed. Yes, I want to send it packing, but I don't, and now my husband is using it and he'd throw a fit if it just "disappeared." He's the frugal one in the family and does not want a penny wasted.

So I've been weighing myself all week as I've been transitioning off the products and slowly adopting my maintenance schedule. And wouldn't you know, that scale is showing my weight holding dead constant at 156 lbs. in the morning. (Adjusted to reflect the clinic scale, that means I'm holding steady at my 158 lb. weigh-in last week). I'm not gaining, I'm not losing. Which is supposed to be the point of all this, right? Right. So why then, am I slowly getting disgruntled? Why, why, why do I want to see...a loss? There I said it. I want more falling off. I don't want to stay flat. I want this to go on...forever?

No, of course that's not the case. But I've been on the products for so long (coming up on 10 months) that I just expect to keep shedding weight and inches, week after week. I'm forgetting how tired I got of constantly buying new clothes, staying away from restaurants, fighting tooth and nail for every pound lost. I'm overlooking the fact that I've made it -- finally, finally! -- to the place I've been wanting to get to for so very long. Those following my blog can probably tell by now that I'm just not allowing myself to celebrate. I'm up in my damn head every minute of every day. This has to stop. If only for a day.

Let's think about where I am today. I am hovering between a size 10 and 12. It is perfect for my body shape. I've still got a little bit of curve, which my husband loves. He says I look 10 years younger. I am successfully (for the most part) incorporating my new maintenance menu into my life. I like what I am eating. Physically, I feel fantastic. Do you remember a long, long time ago when I made reference to not fitting into the seats at the ice hockey arena? Well folks, tonight is the home opener and let me tell you I cannot WAIT to get to our seats! I'll be dashing to my seat, I'm so excited. This has been a long time coming. Doesn't that count for something? Of course it does.

I've got to just focus on accepting 158 lbs. In a nutshell, focus on being happy with me. Where I am right now. I've got to get out my party hat and confetti and have a little party. It's time. It's been time. Let's see if I can rally up the supplies and do that tonight. I'll get my husband to join in with me. I have made it. Congratulations to me!

Melissa Fights Back! Using The Four "D's"

I adore my Optifast dietitian, Millie. I am so, so blessed to have met her at the clinic, and to have the chance to receive her coaching and encouragement as I navigate these choppy waters of transition/maintenance. I emailed her yesterday morning about my troubles with portion control and my particular concern with "night grazing", and she got right back to me with short and long-term strategies to manage these issues. If you have a clinic dietitian that has provided you their email address, use it. These troubles crop up all the time, and we need all the help we can find to fight back! 

When it comes to the grazing issue, Millie reminded me of something she teaches us over and over again in class: The Four D's:

1. Delay
2. Do something else
3. Drink extreme-temperature calorie-free fluid
4. Deep breath

(Let me also add that the Four Ds can and should be used to manage cravings as well.)

I need to keep firmly in my mind that night-time will always be a temptation time. As Millie says, not "may be" or not "sometimes is" but ALWAYS IS a temptation zone. Subsequently, I must have some things in place to manage that time span before I go to bed. What comes to mind right now (because it is winter-time and very cold outside) is the following: Work on my blog. Read other blogs. Check in with my Optifast Facebook friends. Research different issues on the web. (i.e. right now, I am very interested in finding foods, vitamins and minerals that facilitate hair growth and strengthening. My hair has thinned out considerably from the products.). 

Millie suggested buying a "guilty pleasure" book or magazine from my nearby bookstore -- I really like this idea because I have been so engrossed in weight management books and materials. I need a break!  I think a trip to the bookstore and library is on my list TODAY. There is also one of my favorite things to do: a long, hot bath with luxury bath salts or bubble bath and I can light aromatherapy candles to enhance the experience.

Millie is also a cook like me and knows the importance of good cookware. I need something I currently don't have: Good equipment to brew real tea. This includes investing in a good tea kettle to boil water, a good tea pot (Millie recommended a "Brown Betty" because of its exceptional heating capacity), a tea cozy, and a big mug. I want something whimsical. Time for some online shopping! Now comes the fun part: finding teas that, in Millie's words, "intrigue you." We have a specialty tea and coffee shop that is located close by. I am adding that to my "to do" list today. In fact, I am going to practice my deep breathing in the car on the way over there!

I absolutely adore what she wrote in summary. I just have to repeat it here (I hope she doesn't mind):

"Remember that your default mode has been established for 40 years. It does not fight like the British, in straight lines and an orderly manner. It fights with guerrilla tactics, with suicide bombers who will infiltrate other areas.  Expect repeat skirmishes, unexpected encounters, and learn to laugh at the Enemy. It gets furious and stomps away when it sees that it can no longer intimidate you with fear!!!!" Yes, I'm getting ready to fight. And with Millie by my side, we will win. Victory is ours!

Maintenance vs. Fasting: Old Habits Die Hard

Well, they said it was tough, I knew it would be rough, and with only two days in, I can't say I've had enough. But folks, I've got to tell you straight up: maintenance, for me, is going to be one heck of a challenge. At least right now. Let me set the stage: As you know, I have now (much to my great relief) a customized simple menu plan to follow for my transition/maintenance process. I've got the flexibility to fold in several meals a day and have fewer products. With this comes freedom to choose. And this is purportedly what we want. But it also means freedom to indulge -- something we most definitely do not want.

I decided to test the waters two days ago. I started the day with an Optifast shake. That part was easy. Then came lunch. Hmm. I want to say at the get go that there is one thing my clinic has stressed over and over and over again: it is absolutely critical to have measuring cups, measuring spoons, and a food scale. I'm a cook, so of course I've got the cups and spoons (several of each) but the scale I haven't purchased yet. Why should I? I can "eyeball" everything, can I not? Err...if my first day on my "Optifast Flex Plan" was any indication, apparently the answer is a resounding No!

I started things off from the get go on the wrong foot. The very first thing I did when it was time for lunch was deviate off the plan. I don't want a lunch, I reasoned. I want that no-fat yogurt in the fridge (this is reserved for my snacks). So I got it out. I don't want to measure it, I told myself. So I just poured it straight in the bowl and just "eyeballed" how much I would like. And I want cereal, I thought. So I took a big handful of bran flakes, crushed them up, and put those on top. I added a bunch of blueberries, and sprinkled everything with Splenda. Lastly, I crushed up a bunch of pecans as a garnish. Mix. Down the gullet. Yum. And one hour later...Where are my Tums??!!!

Now, the combination of items is fabulous and actually quite healthy for you. But the problem is I failed to control portion size -- one of my big problems before I started my Optifast program. I pretty much botched my first attempt at it. And I paid for it with a bad belly ache and as you know by now with me, a good dose of guilt to go along with it. Let's not forget I shouldn't have my yogurt concoction for lunch in the first place. A piece of whole grain bread with 2 oz. thinly sliced deli turkey and a slice if low fat cheese, some V-8 juice, and a small apple is an example of a proper meal. (you can even put some apple slices in your sandwich). I know this. Yet I didn't do it.

I had no snack and I didn't want to have dinner at all, but I knew I had to get some meat and vegetables in my system. So I followed the basics of my transition plan and had 4 oz. of chicken sprinkled with sesame seeds and grilled in my grill pan, and had that on a small salad of spinach, chopped green onions and cucumber. I made a quick vinaigrette of sesame oil, soy sauce, rice vinegar, Splenda and (believe it or not) a little bit of apple sauce (because we are not allowed apple juice) and sparingly put some of that on the salad and tossed. It was very good.

And then, an hour later, in crept my worst bad eating habit of all: grazing. Had I been following my plan, yes, I should definitely have a reasonable snack at night. Portion controlled. Calorie-content controlled. I know this, it has been ingrained in me. But I threw it out the window and crept into the dimly-lit kitchen and started in. Two slices of deli turkey. I want more of my yogurt concoction. Prepare, eat. Next? Now I need something salty. Okay, 5 whole wheat Wheat Thins. Stop.

"What are you doing in there honey?" shouted my husband. I froze. Panic hit. "Nothing," I replied. He shouted back. "I know you. Get out of the kitchen. You are eating and you're going to undo everything you worked for." Oh, my blessed husband. My guardian angel. I made a cup of chai and joined him in the den. I have decided I am going to ask him this morning to strictly watch me after dinner. I need the strong oversight. I'm vulnerable, heading back to my old ways, they are trying to take back control. These bad habits of no portion control and grazing were just silently waiting for me while I was Optifasting. But they never went away. Oh no. They are back!

Today is a new day and I am going to settle things down and have 4 products plus my transition dinner. I need the safety back again while I sort through my educational handouts on cravings, portion control, and other tips for managing problem areas. I'll also do a little Internet surfing to find more information on grazing. I'm really concerned about that. Of course all of this will be discussed in detail with the dietitian. So this is where I stand today. Struggling, trying. Mistakes are being made. But I've got them identified. And that's a big start.

What A Difference A Day Makes

Wow. Lots of feelings flooding me right now, all good. Maybe I'll just start rambling, although I normally like to be cogent and structured in what I say. But oh, do I feel better! I went to the clinic yesterday and forget about the 2 lb. weight loss and the fact I weighed in at 158 lbs. For the very first time, it was an afterthought, something that sure, was nice, but I received a far more rewarding "surprise": I had an absolutely fantastic one-hour meeting with my dietitian and she has drawn up a wonderful transitioning strategy for me. I am calling it my very own "Optifast Flex Plan" and it is designed with my anxiety issues in mind. I'm happy beyond belief. And can't wait to start.

Well, in a way, I have already started. Without going into all the details just yet, it is going to allow me to have days where I have 2-3 Optifast 800s and some "real food" meals, maybe a day of all food, or maybe when I am feeling extra-anxious, all Optifast products. As you know, I am someone for the most part who has been very rigid with the program, staying compliant and following all the instructions given by the clinic, and to see my Flex Plan in print -- well, that gives me a certain comfort level and security that I am not just out here on my own, doing things without a structure in place.

The plan also has very specific menus I follow for my meals -- items to eat, combinations off different foods for my meal, and amounts of each item. Yes, exchange charts are always given out and in this day and age, there are Internet resources to calculate and list everything you eat, but using those charts and the Internet is just not me. I am not comfortable with that. I need things simplified and easy to read. I want things on paper. I need options I can prepare and use repetitively if I want. And that's what I have.

We've also gone a step further. My meal plan includes specific foods that target anxiety/depression. So that base, along with my on-going talk therapy, is covered. How wonderful is that? And I have a big "shopping list" of foods to keep stocked in my pantry and fridge, and in some cases certain brands are listed. For someone who's "staples" used to consist of butter, sugar, flour, bacon, pancake mix, fatty nuts, heavy cream, high-fat cheeses, every kind of pasta known to man, etc. etc. etc., I now have a whole new slate of things to stock in my new kitchen of creativity. To get me started, I even have a few recipes for some small "free" treats to make in the evening if I need something sweet and get worried I might be headed for a binge. In sum, I'm absolutely thrilled.

Interestingly, I woke up early this morning with the biggest smile on my face. I'm still smiling right now, actually. I look fabulous! I feel energized! I see a positive future for myself, and I have many, many things to be thankful for. I am blessed. Blessed with a loving family, two beautiful Basset Hounds, many friends, a great clinic, a wonderful therapist, a good job, a roof over my head, and just a host of "little things" that really mean a lot. The sun is rising right now. A new day is beginning. Off I go to see what unfolds!  

Back To The Drawing Board

In a nutshell, I'm a mess. Confused, anxious, unsure of myself. On Sunday, I had myself convinced I would skip traditional transition and move straight towards maintenance, with one or two Opti products folded in to the daily diet. This morning, I awoke panicked, absolutely certain that I had to go back to the full fast and the "safety" it provides. Tonight, I feel like I could go back to following the Transition Week One guidelines (4 products + 4 oz. chicken or fish and 1 cup vegetables a day).

In short, I don't have a clue what to do.

Looking back, my anxiety has been through the roof ever since Christmas, when I had that first-ever binge and brought a scale into my home. Ever since, I have been struggling with the full fast and compliance. And feeling incredible guilt if I am not 100% compliant. I guess I never anticipated the stress and pain that comes with binging and leaving the "safety" of the Optifast routine. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Keep in mind I've never been on a diet before, so this has all been foreign to me from the get go.

But the one good thing I know from my therapy work is if I stay in the "now"/present I am fine. Forget about the binge, don't worry about future weight gain. Today, I had my products, my dinner and then some 100-calorie popcorn. I saw my nutritionist, my therapist, I checked in with my Facebook friends and I am getting ready to go up to bed. Other stressful things besides my Optifast routine are going on, but I'll discuss those later. Right now, I'm very tired. So I'll sign off for now, and pick up again tomorrow. Sleep well all.

Executive Decision: Accelerate Transition

Deep breath. I encountered another anxiety problem last night, and it led to eating carbohydrates. After our weekly dinner out, my husband asked for some rolls and mashed potatoes (which I avoided) to be boxed up so we could take them home. When we got home, I put the rolls down the disposal because I didn't want to be tempted by them. A very wise move.

At 3:00 a.m., I woke up, ravenous, and in the throes of an anxiety attack. I wearily made my way downstairs, fumbled around, fought an incredibly strong urge to eat the mashed potatoes, and found a box of cornflakes I use to crush and coat chicken breasts for my "oven fried" chicken. I poured a small amount into a bowl then added some skim milk. Once I ate that, the hunger subsided.

But of course, then the guilt came and the worry about gaining weight. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it registered 156 lbs. (tack on 2 lbs. to put me in line with the clinic scale and that's 158 lbs.). That's a loss from last week's weigh-in, but I'm not celebrating, I want to cry, because I hate that damn scale. I was miserable this morning, distraught, actually, and then suddenly things became crystal clear. I was not going to make it through six weeks of a slow, sparse transitioning process. Most will, with no problem whatsoever, but I am a different case. I have an anxiety disorder, it is being highly aggravated, and I've just got to take steps to manage it in a healthy way. Now.

I started in on a grocery list. I started with some of the foods to eat to manage anxiety that are mentioned in my previous post: Peaches, blueberries, soy (I wrote down soy milk), fish, winter squash. The article mentioned the importance of Magnesium. I put Magnesium vitamins down too. Then I began to list healthy, low-carb items. I need carbs back in my diet pronto, but they must be controlled, especially now, indeed for good. Ronzoni whole wheat pasta. Thomas whole wheat English muffins. Rice crackers. Bran flakes. Given the oatmeal-and-banana incident last weekend, I kept Quaker Oats off the list for now. Stonyfield low-fat, organic yogurt. I added 100-calorie popcorn bags as well, to have as a snack. I already have my 100-calorie pack Emerald almonds and whole wheat Wheat Thins, so those I didn't need to get. There. This was a start.

Now folks, I go to my small grocery store every day. I cook gourmet food for my husband almost every night. I know pretty much everyone who works there. They know I have been on Optifast, they support me, they tell me how great I look. And never, ever have I had as much fun there as I did today. I felt like a kid in a candy shop. I was smiling -- yes smiling! -- as I strolled those aisles, placing my items in the grocery cart. I carefully read the labels before selecting each product, making note of the calorie, sodium, carb, protein and vitamin content. The clinic had prepared me well -- I knew from our classes what to examine on the label, and even knew which brands to gravitate towards. Some were more expensive, but I was prepared for that. In the United States, to eat healthy, you have to spend more. It's wrong, it's unfair, but sadly that's how it is.

I want to stop right now at this juncture and really stress one thing: I have a disorder. This is driving everything I am doing, the decisions I am making, the steps I am taking. I have been enrolled in an Optifast clinic for almost 10 months, and I have attended and participated in every educational session offered each week. I have dutifully followed the program, to the best of my ability, carefully following the advice of the dietitians and doctor. I have reached goal. I am prepared. And now it is time to move onward.

But this is just my situation. You may have a totally different set of circumstances. The Optifast program has very specific instructions for transitioning off of the products. It is absolutely critical you follow the instructions from the professionals. But in my case, these professionals include a therapist, and he wants me pursuing this course of action, taking my medication, and following the relaxation steps listed in my previous post. I am not doing this on my own. Please follow instructions. That's important at this stage of the game.

I am pleased to report that I am now totally relaxed and feeling good. I had an Optifast 800 for breakfast, and then 2 oz. tuna fish, 2 oz. low fat cottage cheese, 1 hard-boiled egg, and half of a wheat English muffin for lunch. I am going to have an Optifast 800 for a snack, and then a small amount of wheat pasta, shrimp, sauteed spinach, garlic and a scant amount of sesame seed oil for dinner. My husband and I are going to a movie this evening, so I am popping my popcorn beforehand and sneaking it in with some mineral water. I'm excited, I feel like a kid again.

Deep breath. I can do this. I am strong.
     

Managing the Anxiety/Craving/Binge Cycle

(Courtesy of www.livestrong.com)

Anxiety and depression can lead to binge eating episodes. According to Dr. Katherine Halmi, director of the eating disorders treatment program at New York Presbyterian Hospital, people who eat to deal with their anxiety find that it calms them temporarily. Triggers for the anxiety that leads to binge-eating episodes include breakups, stress at work or an argument with a friend. Learning more effective ways to deal with your anxiety is the key to preventing binge-eating episodes.

Step 1:
Keep a daily meal plan and a food journal. Write down what you need to eat and what you do eat. Record how you feel before and after eating. Include any triggers that led you to eat more or less than you should. Reading over your food journal can help you recognize and avoid the factors that lead to anxiety-induced binges.

Step 2:
Practice meditation and relaxation exercises, whether alone or in a group. Yoga classes and guided meditation practice teach you skills to calm yourself when you're alone, when the tendency to binge is often greatest.

Step 3:
Remove yourself from the situation. If you're having an anxiety attack and headed for the refrigerator, head for the door instead. Once you're outside, walk around the block, go for a drive or phone a friend until the anxiety passes.

Step 4:
Sip water or herbal tea as you focus on your breath. Bring yourself to the present moment. Focus on the feeling of the drink in your mouth, the taste and the smell. Sit with your anxiety and your beverage until the intense feelings pass. Remind yourself that nobody ever died from their emotions.

Step 5:
See a therapist. Look for one who specializes in anxiety disorders and eating disorders. Contact the National Eating Disorders Association at edap.org for help finding a qualified therapist in your area.


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/528789-how-to-take-control-of-anxiety-eating/#ixzz2HjOou6w8

Easing Transition/Maintenance Anxiety: Healthy Food Choices

Some information for those who may be suffering from anxiety associated with ending the Optifast program, transitioning and entering maintenance (and embracing a healthy diet):

Foods to Eat That Weaken Your Anxiety

Most people know there are foods to avoid, but what about foods to eat? There are several foods that may reduce your anxiety symptoms. Remember, healthy eating leads to healthy hormonal functioning, which leads to an improved sense of well-being. So the better you eat, the better your anxiety will be. Good foods include:

• Fresh Fruit – Your body does need carbs and sugar, it just doesn't need refined sugars. Fresh fruit has sugar that can be converted to energy, and provides necessary nutrients as well. Blueberries and peaches may be especially advantageous.
• Vegetables – Of course, vegetables are arguably even more important, especially for those with anxiety. Vegetables are rich in fiber, and many of the vitamins that those with anxiety deplete regularly.
• Water – A tremendous percentage of the population is regularly dehydrated because they do not drink nearly enough water. Dehydration nearly always leads to anxiety, which is why it's crucial that you consume enough water regularly.
• Tryptophan Rich Foods – Foods rich in tryptophan are very effective at reducing anxiety. They have a natural relaxation component, and may increase your metabolism as an added bonus. Oats, soy, poultry, and sesame seeds all have a fair amount of tryptophan.
• Magnesium Rich Foods – As much as 25% of the country or more is magnesium deficient, and magnesium plays a role in over 300 different processes within the body. It's a crucial vitamin that few people get, so magnesium rich foods like black beans and tofu are very important.
• Omega-3 Fatty Acids – Research into Omega 3's is still being conducted, but there is some evidence that Omega-3 is important for depression and anxiety. Omega-3's can be found in fish, flax seed, and winter squash.

Eating these foods aren't going to cure your anxiety, but they should reduce your anxiety symptoms and make it easier for an effective anxiety treatment to work. Eating healthy does have an effect on your ability to handle anxiety, so altering your diet to include better foods for anxiety is important.

I Will Not Fail: Educating Myself About Overeating Begins

And so I have begun to explore the wealth of information out there that might give me insight into the psychology of overeating. Gratefully, I now have Optifast friends doing research themselves, and they are sharing articles with me and others. Folks, as I transition and move into maintenance, one thing is crystal clear in my mind: I will NOT be a statistic, grouped in that number of "Optifast failures" or whatever self-defeating term we can label ourselves with. I've got very hard work ahead of me. No need to sugar-coat it. And if there's one thing I know, it's "knowledge is power."

I found the following article intriguing because it touches on the chemical reaction triggered in our brains when we eat purportedly "bad" foods. Yes, there are suggestions of how to lose weight slowly which differ from our Optifast program, but if you have gone the Optifast route to weight loss and achieved goal, the information could be helpful if you find you gain a few pounds while in maintenance and want to take them off. Also, if you find yourself cheating and don't understand why, this might give you some insight. Here you go:

* * *

The Pain of Being Obese versus The Emotional Pain of Dieting: People may be prevented from the emotionally healing benefits of serotonin

(Published on August 11, 2011 by Judith J. Wurtman, Ph.D. in The Antidepressant Diet)

Kara Curtis, an obese woman who was recently interviewed on NPR about her decades- long struggle with her weight, described how despite her commitment to daily exercise, her overeating prevented any weight loss. She described herself as being unable to resist buying and eating sugary food even though she knew, from the many diets she had followed, that she had to ignore those foods to stop gaining weight. Admitting to eating entire boxes of cookies, she blamed the availability of such foods as one factor in her inability to resist them in favor of healthy fruits and vegetables and revealed how helpless she felt in controlling her intake of junk food.

Ms. Curtis is special because she talked honestly about her weight and her conflict over losing it or accepting the way she looks. But her story is unfortunately familiar to the thousands of obese who have the same struggles with weight gain, diet failures and criticism from those who do not understand why they overeat.

When I heard the interview on the radio, I wanted to pick up the phone and say to her, "I understand why you can't stop overeating. The foods you crave and overeat comfort you and take anyway emotional pain and stressful feelings. They diminish your depressed mood and calm anxiety. Diets tell you to stop eating these foods but they don't tell you how to deal with the emotional distress that will follow. So of course you can't stay on a diet long enough to lose any substantial weight. The emotional pain of dieting is greater than the emotional pain of being obese."

None of us escapes stress; it comes in all forms and can be caused as often by hormones (think PMS), lack of sleep, winter darkness and chronic pain, as by the seemingly infinite ways life has of causing problems. But Nature, in her wisdom, put into our brains a chemical capable of smoothing the emotions caused by stress. Unfortunately, people such as Ms. Curtis may be prevented from the emotionally healing benefit of this chemical because of their obesity and their diets.

Our brains contain a neurotransmitter, serotonin, which functions to restore emotional well-being. Serotonin is made when we eat non-fruit carbohydrates. Then insulin is secreted and an amino acid, tryptophan, gets into the brain. Once in the brain, tryptophan converts to serotonin and a sense of emotional well-being is felt. Studies of this process have shown that people of normal weight need eat only about 25 to 30 grams of a low-or fat free carbohydrate to bring about the changes that lead to serotonin being made. As long as the carbohydrate is low in fat (this speeds up digestion) and low in protein (protein prevents tryptophan from getting into the brain) this process can take as little as 20 minutes.

However, when people become obese, it is harder for their brains to make serotonin than it is for a normal weight individual. Insulin responsiveness is sluggish and tryptophan has a harder time getting into the brain. More carbohydrate may have to be eaten and the process may take longer. Instead of feeling emotional relief after eating ¾ of a cup of Cheerios, an obese person may have to eat twice as much and wait longer for the same sensation of emotional well-being.

But most diets would deny Ms. Curtis even the possibility of eating 1 ½ cups of Cheerios when she is upset. The dieter is usually told to limit or avoid carbohydrates or to eat them only when accompanied by protein. This, of course, will prevent tryptophan from getting into the brain and the desired effect of feeling better won't take place.

Moreover, eating as a way of alleviating emotional pain is considered counterproductive. The dieter is told that eating cookies and ice cream and other sugar-and fat-laden foods has caused her obesity, and the solution to obesity is to find some other solution to stress.

Thus, should anyone be surprised when the emotional need to eat, the need to feel comforted, trumps the need to follow a diet? Imagine a diet that prevents a migraine sufferer from taking medication. You are fine on the diet until the migraine begins. You would instinctively abandon the diet to take the medication. This is what happens to Ms. Curtis. Stress happens, comfort is required, carbohydrates are eaten and the diet is lost.

But this does not have to be the outcome. As we found in our many years of research at MIT, it is possible to consume therapeutic amounts of carbohydrate to increase serotonin and relieve emotional distress. If the carbohydrates are portion controlled, low-or fat-free, and eaten on a precise schedule, serotonin is made. The result is that stress is relieved; plus, the serotonin acts as a buffer against future stress. Ms. Curtis could not eat cookies on such a plan; they are too high in fat. But, along with portion- controlled meals, she could consume pretzels, popcorn, rice crackers, rice, sweet potatoes, whole-grain pasta and oatmeal. She would lose weight. Admittedly, her weight loss would be slow, no more than a pound or two a week, because such a diet plan includes calories from the foods needed to nourish her as well as calories from her serotonin-producing carbohydrates.

Weight loss without emotional pain. It can be achieved.

What's Your "Ideal" Weight?

Some may be struggling as I have with setting/achieving the ideal "goal" weight for themselves on the Optifast program. The dietitians will guide you in this -- but in my case, as I got closer to my initial goal, I started wondering if I should reset it, and then bull-headedly set a new goal ten pounds under my target weight. I have heard others have done this too, so I'm not alone. Why? Oh, a host of reasons. I blogged about them in a prior post, "Do I Reset My Goal?" I saw the following posted on the Facebook Optifast Support page, and I found it very interesting. You might as well:

(Posted by info@beckdietsolution.com in Ask the Diet Program Coordinator, Maintenance)

Question:  I have read the book, re-read parts, and implemented the techniques but the scale is not budging.  I have stayed within the same 2 pounds for at least 3 months – even with exercising 5-6 days per week and cutting my calories.  I am afraid the answer may be to accept this weight and call it maintenance because I cannot see adding more exercise or decreasing calories as I am already doing what I think is the most I can.  BUT- I am not totally comfortable at this weight and I only have about 10 pounds to lose to be at my ideal weight.  Any feedback would be appreciated. 

Answer: I first want to tell you about our concept of ‘ideal weight’ – it’s the weight that you get down to when you’re eating and exercising in a healthy way that you can maintain.   Now this weight may not the weight of your thinnest friend, it may not be the weight you were at in college, and it almost definitely isn’t the weight of the celebrities we see on television.  In our minds, your ideal weight is the weight that you can get down to and stay at, not the weight that you can get down to, then gain some weight back, then work on losing it again, then gaining it back again.  We just don’t believe that it’s worth getting down to a weight that you ultimately can’t maintain (by either exercising or eating in a way that is not sustainable) because you’ll just gain it back and then feel very discouraged.

It’s also important to know that most people, when they lose weight, get down to what we call their lowest achievable weight. However, most people don’t stay there! They eventually end up relaxing their habits just a bit and gaining a few pounds back and end up leveling off at we call their lowest maintainable weight.  Their lowest achievable weight is probably not their lowest maintainable weight because it would require intense focus on their eating and exercise. 

 Without knowing the specifics of your situation, it sounds like you likely are right around your ideal weight (in the way we define it), and at either your lowest achievable or lowest maintainable weight – it’s hard to tell at this point.  Remember, losing weight is basically a matter of calories in and calories out.  So could you lose more weight? Of course you could if you cut your calories really low and/or exercised an abnormally high amount.  But those things are never maintainable, so it’s not worth it because the only thing that will happen is you’ll get down to a weight that you can’t maintain.

 All this being said, it doesn’t mean you have to be at all unhappy with where you are now.  In fact, you should be extremely proud of yourself for the weight you did lose and for all of the hard work and dedication you put into it. Instead of focusing on the 10 pounds you didn’t lose, think instead about all of the weight you did lose. Even if you’re not quite at the weight you wanted to get down to starting out, think about what life was like at your higher weight and before you really gained control over your eating. My guess is that life is different and better now in so many ways.  Do you feel better about yourself? Are you fitting into more clothes? Are you happier with what you see in the mirror?  Can you do more activities and/or do them more easily?  Are you less self-conscious? Do you have fewer aches and pains?  Is your health at all improved?  Do you feel less at the mercy of hunger and cravings? Do you no longer fear going into situations in which there will be a lot of tempting food? Do you feel better about your ability to exercise?

Likely you’ve already experienced many benefits of losing weight, and it’s important to recognize them.  You can also ask yourself:  How would my life really be different if I lost another 10 pounds? Would the differences be so significant?  Is it possible that I’m already experiencing many of the things I wanted to achieve, even though the number on the scale isn’t what I initially had in mind?  It sounds like it may be worth working on changing your concept of your own ideal weight, feeling proud about where you are, and move forward appreciating all the wonderful changes that have come about as a result of losing weight.

Relief!

I am very pleased to report that my anxiety has ratcheted down about ten notches. I had a wonderful conversation with the dietitian yesterday about my transition anxiety, the importance of talk therapy, my "Optifast perfectionism", and a host of other things I have been worrying about. I am very, very blessed to go to a clinic with an outstanding staff who fully understand the "big picture" when it comes to weight loss and maintenance. I am firmly committed to continue with bi-weekly visits with the dietitian after I go into maintenance. It will cost about $35 per visit, but it will be worth every penny.

I was given an overview of the six-week Optifast transition plan I began following last night. This week, I am to have four products and then for dinner 4 oz. of protein and 1 cup uncooked vegetables (or 1/2 cup cooked). I have to tell you, just having the plan calmed me right down. Most of my transition anxiety is actually fear of leaving the "safety" of the products, and fear that I will lose control and gain all my weight back. It is all fear-based. It is also "future thinking" and if I engage in that, I get into trouble every time. So it's right back to living in the "now" for me.

Yes, as I predicted in my last entry, I had a small gain. I weighed in at 160 lbs., but I took it all in stride and I am very proud of myself. When I let go of that second goal of 150 lbs. I set, and just stick with my original 160 lb. goal, I immediately feel an incredible sense of relief. So 160 lbs. it shall be. Now, I have several Optifast friends who have lost additional weight in transition and/or maintenance, and perhaps that's in store for me too. But if not, I'll still be happy. I'm considering "Phase 1" to now be coming to an end. It's soon onward to maintenance -- and all the hard work that entails.

My husband told me he wants to do something himself to improve his life. Not weight loss -- he is not overweight -- but something big and rewarding. He is calling me his "motivational source." I like that! I am ever-so-slowly getting my mind around the fact that I have shed 80 lbs. Good Lord! That is unbelievable. Sometimes I cannot believe I have actually achieved this. As you know very well by now, I dwell in my head quite a bit, and I really need to just stand in front of a full-length mirror and take a good, long look. And then pat myself on the back for everything I have accomplished. I don't praise myself enough, and I will be working on that. With my therapist, with the dietitian, and through my writing. I'm excited about the personal growth that will ultimately transpire.

I continue to hunt for resources on "emotional eating" and food anxiety. I will be sure to pass the information I find on to you. Thanks to all my Optifast friends, family and everyone on the Facebook Optifast Support page for your support, praise and pick-me-ups. You mean the world to me. I am not alone and that is so wonderful to know.  

High Anxiety

Well, I've been struggling. Physically and emotionally. My body still feels out of sorts, and I'm assuming it's from the oatmeal and banana I had over the weekend. I will know for sure when I talk to the doctor at the clinic tomorrow. Emotionally, my anxiety level remains quite high, as I think about transitioning off the products and leaving the "safety" they provide. I asked my dietitian if she had any materials on managing anxiety associated with Optifast transition and she is checking. While I am waiting to see her, I am trying very hard to just "stay in the day" and relax as best I can.

From my own Optifast blog searches, I haven't yet located anyone who shares problems they might have had with anxiety associated with transition from the program. So, in a way, right now I feel like I am all alone, flailing around with no rudder, no course to follow. It's extremely uncomfortable and I am feeling urges to stress eat to manage my situation. Things I prepare for my husband for dinner, dishes I never desired before, now look appealing. Carbs seem to be calling my name -- loudly. My commitment to the full fast is under question, and I must get honest and admit that I have been having things like a part-skim string cheese, or five low-fat wheat thins, or a 100-calorie pack of almonds, or three bites of 1% cottage cheese in addition to my daily products. Now, this may seem like no big deal, something negligible when it comes to calories and carbs. But for someone like myself who does not, for the most part, deviate from what the clinic tells me to do, I feel like a failure. Just like I did over the holidays.

Transition does not allow for these additional items. In a nutshell, I will be having my "special"/restricted meal every night of the week, instead of just one day a week as I am doing now. This is a medically-designed and medically-supervised plan to follow to allow your body to ultimately be able to process "real" food on a regular basis. Sure, at some point, the cheese and nuts and crackers will be added. But not now. Actually, with a target goal of 150 lbs., I shouldn't be transitioning at all yet. It is too soon. But with my anxiety, I have decided I need to start transition now (at 159 lbs.), presumably beginning tomorrow night. It's time for the full fast to end. For my sanity.

I do not want to give anyone the impression that my situation is something you will face in your own program.  Unfortunately, I have always suffered from anxiety. What's throwing me is it has never centered around food -- this is a first for me and I certainly didn't expect it to be an issue when I started the program. What I thought was I would lose weight. Yes, this thing called "maintenance" was always floating around, and the clinic always talks about it. But transition and transition anxiety? That wasn't even on my radar screen. But oh, is it now.

I've been relying heavily on the Facebook Optifast Support page and I know I need to keep blogging about my feelings. I'm also trying to stay away from the scale, but that's not working very well. I seem to be holding steady at 159 lbs. Yes, I want a loss this week, but in my heart I know I will probably remain the same as last week, or perhaps have a slight gain. That has been my pattern throughout this whole journey -- a few weeks of losses followed by a flat/gain week. I can handle this. It's nothing new. I find if I just stay in a mindset that 160 lbs. was my initial goal and perhaps it's fine to stop here, I strangely start to feel better. Maybe this is indeed where I truly belong. Something to consider.

Perhaps you are having anxiety like I am -- you may actually be full fasting, not in transition yet. Please know that you are not alone. I am suffering right along with you. If/when I come across materials referencing how to handle Optifasting anxiety, I will pass it along. I'm sure there is something out there. Meanwhile, lets keep going One Day At A Time. Take a lot of baths. Burn a lot of scented candles. And get some good massages. That can work wonders!

Back To The "Present"

Woke up this morning feeling much, much better. My "experiments" with transitioning are over, and I am just going to get out of this thinking of how much I have spent on this program over the past months, and how much I weighed in the past and all the pain that resided there. Folks, I've had to remind myself over and over again -- when I go into the past, or jump into anxiety about the future (and gaining all the weight back) I get into big trouble. I am miserable and I cease enjoying where I am now, which is at the initial goal I set when I started, and a mere 9 lbs. to the new goal that will put my BMI in the "healthy" range. First mission accomplished.

When you know without an ounce of doubt that most people will gain back most (if not all) of the weight they lost through Optifast, it is damn near impossible for me not to worry that I will fall into that camp too. But I cannot lose sight of the key reason why most gain the weight back: they, for whatever reason, have an extremely difficult time following Optifast's maintenance program. My clinic is stressing two simple things: Continued exercise and having a healthy diet. This is the cornerstone of every normal diet on the planet. It is not complicated. Now, I know, for me, I've got to do more work than just that. I have to unpack why I am eating to manage my emotions, and I have to institute cognitive behavioral activities to keep my weight off. (Refer to "The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like A Thin Person.") That's just me. I'm not saying you have to go this route, but I'm following it. Will it work? That remains to be seen. But it's the strategy I'm planning today.

The other thing I know is when I try to take things in my own hands, and don't ask for help and support, I get into big, big trouble. Right now, I have no clue how to transition off of a full fast Optifast program. I don't know how to read and understand "exchange" charts. I don't know how to use "MyFitnessPal" and honestly, I have no iPhone, I don't want one, I am a technological novice and truth be told, I kind of like it that way. I don't want a pedometer. I will not use it. Period. I harbor no delusions about my shortcomings where all of this is concerned, and this is just who I am. I am going to have to work harder to keep things under control, but I accept that. There are some things about me that will not change. And I need to ask the dietitians to help me find ways to work around all of this and still succeed with holding my goal weight. It can be done. It will be done. I just need help.

I thought today I would go to Nordstrom's with the gift card my husband gave me for Christmas. I need some make up, and maybe I can look in the lingerie section for a nice bra or nightie. I won't wear anything "racy," but something pretty could be nice. I am going to do something for myself that makes me feel good. I'm tired of feeling anxious, being constantly fearful of binges, obsessively worrying about money. I want all of that off of my shoulders, if only for one day. So out I am going. I've had a tough, tough time since December, but I refuse to dwell on that today. I am living in the present. As hard as that may be. I need some serenity, and I'm off to find it.