The object of my obsession wasn't a sub like last time. It was buttered movie theater popcorn. And I wasn't even in a theater. I wanted it so much I felt like crying. I got despondent and frustrated and angry all at the same time. I think the worst part of it was I felt trapped -- in my house, in Optifast, in a lifetime of dieting, in potential weight obsession. And I didn't want to be there. I was in a nightmare.
The other thing about this craving was I didn't just want a "taste" of buttered popcorn. I wanted a king-size serving, slathered in butter, that I could gobble up in the dark with no one watching me. An out of control binge -- the likes of which I have never engaged in ever. I'm frightened that I could even conjure up this scenario. Where did this come from? Why yesterday? What do I need to do to make sure it never happens again?
Before I can even think about answering these questions, I wanted to let you know what I did to get through this awful situation. I went straight to my computer -- to see if I could find one of my fellow Optifasters to help me get through this. By some miracle, Elana was on Facebook and answered my plea for help on the Optifast Chat Support page. Just a few back and forth posts and I started to feel better. Then I got my water. And started reading some other Optifast blogs. And soon, I was back under control. Crisis passed.
The craving always passes. I know this from the last time. But it can be very, very powerful (at least in my experience). Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but this one was flat-out horrible because it incorporated a very destructive thought about binging -- something so unhealthy and for those on Optifast, something quite dangerous because you could wind up in a hospital from overeating certain things. This binging aspect of the craving caught me as much off-guard as the craving itself. I never want to experience it again.
Okay. Back to my questions. Why did this happen? I'm scratching my head, but I think a few things came into play. I was bored. I was tired. My husband was here but I felt lonely. I missed going out to eat. And I think there was one big reason a perfect storm started brewing: I have been going into the future again, worrying about gaining all of my weight back, and obsessing on what strategies I have to implement and stick to forever to be thin.
Oh, this is what I was so concerned about when I started the program and had to face that scale. I had a deep-seeded fear of becoming obsessed with the numbers and wrapping my self-worth up in them. Time to take a step back here and take a deep breath. Okay. I was slipping into "black and white" thinking. In other words, I am either going to eat minimally or engage in overeating. There is middle ground here. The "gray." I will be able to enjoy, on occasion, some of the foods I love. I can build daily healthy menus that I enjoy eating. The clinic is giving me information. I'm going to be okay. Live in the present, Melissa.
I am so much better today. I made it through. I am going to get out of the house. Go visit my mother and take a swim in the pool. She mentioned going to a movie, but I think it's best for me to stay away from movie theaters right now (wink wink). The craving is over, I didn't cheat, and I'm back on track. Time to get moving.
No comments:
Post a Comment