I think I finally "snapped" last night when, after a lovely day of tennis and shopping and reading, I stepped on the scale before bed and saw it had shot up to 166 lbs. Yes, yes, you always weigh more at night, yes, I've been constipated, yes, I am drinking a lot of water, yes, increases in your thyroid med can cause weight gain, yes, my clothes fit just fine. But seeing that number glaring up at me, well, my heart just sank and suddenly the memories of a lovely day disappeared, and in came the dejection and anxiety and fear. I didn't binge. I've been following my normal eating plan as usual. We have stopped going out. I am exercising every day now. I'm doing everything I am supposed to do and I can't get back to that stupid 157 lbs. I'm swinging all over the place.
I...can't...get...certainty. And I'm mad as hell.
I had a fleeting thought of throwing everything out the window and just start eating with abandon. But then I stepped back and realized that would only hurt me, further damage my fragile self-esteem, and set me on a path of undoing everything I worked so hard to achieve. No, turning to fattening food is not the answer. Taking the power away from that scale is.
It's very, very well known that one of the key things for success in maintenance is weighing yourself regularly. At least once a week. And oh, do I weigh. In the morning, before my shower, and at night, right before I go to bed. Religiously. Then there is the weekly weigh-in at my clinic on Wednesdays. The scale dominates my thoughts, just as my eating does. And is this surprising? Heck no, I say. I lost 80 lbs. A lot of weight. And I don't want it back.
The scale keeps me aware of where I stand, and if adjustment/crisis intervention needs to be done. I'll never be completely free of it. But sometimes I hate it. I hate how it can ruin my mood, plunge me into anxiety, make me question everything I ate for the day -- and will eat in the future. I can see so clearly now why people eventually just stop weighing altogether. It can bring (temporary) relief from worry, anxiety, tension, self-criticism, just a host of things that crop up when the dreaded "number" is not where you want it to be. I've been tight as a drum all day -- it's Sunday, I should be relaxing, but instead here I am freaking out that I'm 5+ lbs. out of my "comfort" zone. It's ridiculous. It's maddening. Something must be done.
I have decided that I am going to fight like hell not to weigh tonight. I'm going to drop back to weighing in the morning only. This is a huge step for me, but that scale is upsetting me so much -- too much -- and I've got to get some serenity back in my life. At least right now. Throwing out the scale is not an option. That would upset me even more. But I think I've got the strength to just get on it in the morning.
My dream is to get to the point where I weigh once a week. That's a long way off, but it's something I've got as a goal. It's baby steps here. Scale obsessions are very hard to break. But I'm going to start chiseling away at it. As best I can.
I think this article from "Shape" Magazine might help put things into perspective for you:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.shape.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-strategies/help-why-does-my-workout-cause-weight-gain
The part I thought pertained the most to your situation was this (item #2 in the list in the article):
2. A lot of factors can influence your weight—including your workouts.
Have you ever noticed that right after (or even a day or two after) an intense workout the scale goes up? That's normal, and it doesn't mean you've put on ‘weight,' Dolgan says.
"A person's scale mass is a combination of muscle, fat, bone, the brain and neural tract, connective tissue, blood, lymph, intestinal gas, urine, and the air that we carry in our lungs. Immediately after a workout routine, the percentage of mass in each of these categories can shift as much as 15 percent." Intense workouts cause variability on the scale due to factors like hydration status, inflammation from muscle damage repair (we call this delayed onset muscle soreness), even the amount of intestinal by-product or urine and blood volume, Dolgan says.
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The gist is that we can, in fact, SEEM to weigh more right after a workout, but it's not weight.
I hope that made sense.
Hugs,
Laura