On Fear Of Weight Gain

I saw a dear friend at the clinic yesterday, who has been following my blog and is very concerned about my recent health problems. She said the "spark" wasn't in my eyes, and I agreed. I told her that I think something is wrong with my diet, how restrictive I am, and that this is all driven by my very real fear of gaining my weight back. We are all pretty familiar with the odds that we will gain our weight back. This holds true for many, many people in weight loss programs unless you remain diligent and focused. Track what you eat, exercise regularly, and change your emotional behavior. This can be quite challenging when you have spent years and years making unhealthy eating choices. A "pattern" gets set, in my case, my marriage revolved around eating highly-caloric gourmet food, and stepping away from all this and embarking on a new routine is scary and sometimes very difficult.

If you've read all of my blog, you know I have gone from never weighing myself; to weighing only once a week at the clinic; to now weighing once, sometimes twice a day. I swore that "numbers" would not define who I am. That still holds true, but I find now that I've got fear intermingling with the scale. It comes and goes -- I am getting better as each day passes. But it's real and I often wonder if others who have reached goal contend with this as well.

You know I had a long journey on product, that my weekly losses were low, that my insurance did not cover anything, so I spent a ton of money on the program. This was/is a full-tilt investment in me, and I want to show that it was worthwhile and yielded a very high return. I don't throw money out the window -- having to go out of pocket was one of the biggest things that kept me compliant. I'm frugal now, my husband has taught me well. I just can't swallow, just refuse to accept wasting that money because I made the decision to not embrace the lifestyle changes required for weight maintenance. I'm tough, I'm committed. I have the capacity to change. I must change. My health depends upon it.

I think the core issue that needs to be addressed is how restrictive my eating is now. How I, deep down, don't like those food trackers, and if I just eat the same thing every day, I know my calories and don't have to mess with the trackers. But what's happened is I'm probably not eating enough every day, because there is little variety, and my weight seems consistent, so I think it's adequate. I am not posting many recipes yet because frankly, I'm not eating anything interesting -- it's simple, unsophisticated, repetitive...and in my mind, safe.

I know I need to just lay out my eating, in detail, to Millie and others. Open myself up to suggestions and guidance. But I am very sensitive about this, very guarded because I get comfort now from my rigidity. I have been talking with my Mother, who is more rigid than I am, and she wants me, is begging me to loosen up. But like me, she lost a significant amount of weight, and knows the inevitable, unavoidable emotional impact of this. It's serious -- sometimes overwhelming. It makes me very, very fearful.

I am sharing all of this today in the hopes that I can "pave the way" for you when you approach goal and maintenance. I want you prepared for the possibility -- and it could be remote for you -- that you will encounter this fear of weight gain as well. We'll get through this, together, but it's going to take some work (hasn't everything along our journey?). I'll try to be as open and honest about it as I can. It actually helps me to write about it. We can and will get through this. I promise.