A Serious Note

It has always been my preference to be positive on this blog -- to relay uplifting encouragement to those on their Optifasting journeys. But tonight, I must take a more serious tone, as I have been very, very upset today and need to write about it. My apologies for this sudden detour, but if I don't get out my thoughts I think I'm going to get into trouble.

I got home from work today, sat down, and started wondering if I have been happy -- really, truly happy -- since I lost all my weight. Constantly worrying, panicking about gaining the weight back; restricting my food beyond belief and then having random binges (which I never had before); anxiety attacks have occurred; the scale has taken on incredible proportions in my life.

I decided ultimately that something has to give. That I just cannot keep living this way anymore. So most importantly, my husband is removing the scale this evening. I'm frightened about that, but it must be done. It is triggering intense anxiety and I have to watch that or I will get sick. Second, I am going to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the "exemplary" CONCI Optifast patient; the "star"; the one who is successfully maintaining and cheering everyone on all the way. Truth of the matter is I've struggled mightily, made mistakes, had horrible days, contend with obsessions, just a whole host of foibles that may make me human, but sure rock my self-esteem. Right now I'm very distraught, and if it weren't for my Optifast Facebook friends, I'd be a real mess.

Clearly, I have to find some "middle road" -- somewhere in the gray -- where I can enjoy my food, trust in myself to make wise choices and control my portions, and just live life. I know it's there, but folks, I can't seem to find it yet. I'm unhappy, and I know this is not how I should be feeling. Sure, I'm a tough cookie and I know I'll get through this. It's just I want serenity back in my life. It's been such a long time since I've had it.

As I said to an Optifast friend, always remember this is MY experience, and I would never say this is going to happen to you. Believe me, I feel like an "oddball" a lot of the time. But I have to be honest -- you should expect nothing less from me. My maintenance journey is complicated, sometimes painful, and even sometimes unbearable. That's just the deck of cards I was dealt. No, I'm not throwing in the towel. But I have not felt this low before.

Yet I was also thinking this afternoon about something quasi-positive. If I am at a "rock bottom" in my maintenance journey, there is nowhere to go but up. Just like when I hit my rock bottom with my obesity, I can reach inside and find the strength to do something about this, no matter how hard it is and how long it takes. This is no endgame. Things are very, very rough now. But tomorrow is a new day. I'll keep trudging forward. For as Winston Churchill said: "Never give up! Never give up! Never give up!"