When Restriction Breeds Resentment

Well, this has been a frustrating weekend to be sure. Yes, my body is responding well to the increase in my Synthroid dose -- I'm not so cold, I'm not constipated anymore, my mood is getting better, hubby and I walked quite a bit yesterday. But what's happening is I came into the weekend on the higher end of my weight "comfort zone," which is not typical for me. I was holding firm on a morning weigh in of 159 lbs., whereas I normally come in around 156 lbs. on Friday, giving me a little "flexibility" to ease up on my controls throughout the weekend. I have come to expect this -- this "reward" for being so diligent with my eating all week. But this did not happen, and I have found that I am brittle and frankly, quite resentful.

I have read in my books that highly restrictive diets do indeed open the door for some resentment. I had been dealing with it with my "weekend reward" strategy. But this wasn't an option this time. And interestingly, the more resentful I got, the more I started craving really fattening things. Doughy things, salty things, decadent chocolate things. I've kept the brakes on and I have been sticking to my Fiber One snacks (I weighed in at 157 lbs. this morning, and I think the Fiber One is a big reason for this). But honestly, I'm not a happy camper right now. My husband has picked up on it, and he keeps telling me how wonderful I look and to relax more. It's just so, so hard.

As you know, I am hell-bent on not becoming just another one of those people in that "statistic" of those who gain all their weight back after reaching goal. I'm just not going to be in that group, no matter how difficult this maintenance journey can be. My self esteem can't handle it, my health can't handle it. It's really that simple. Honestly, for the most part, maintenance has not been so overwhelming, but this weekend it has been very, very difficult. And I'm mad about that. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about food and it's just a waste of energy. Sorry to be so negative, but it's how I feel right now.

I think hubby and I are going to go to a movie this afternoon. I just really need a diversion from this resentment. I know it will pass soon. It's just glaringly apparent right now.