Gettin' Honest & Hangin' Tough!

Into the unknown: Mr. Lewis & Mr. Clark

Grrr. My weight won't budge off of 159 lbs. and I'm frustrated. I'm taking in my usual amount of calories, I walk at least 2 miles a day, I hydrate. BUT I must remember a few things. First, I'm midway through my cycle, and I retain water. Second, it's summertime, and for some reason, I gain weight in the summer and actually lose weight in the winter. It's a very odd pattern, but it's been that way for me pretty much as long as I can remember. And third, my body hasn't changed. It's actually not half bad. Heck, it's good. There, I said it.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I have been fantasizing recently of trying to drop down to 150 lbs. before our trip out West in July. Thinking if I got down that low, I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and not panic when I got home. Folks, this is twisted thinking. This is a sign that deep down, I do not want to exert portion control; I want to eat whatever the heck I want; I don't want any "controls" period; and maybe, just maybe, I have a touch of wanting to "self-sabotage." Well, I'm not entirely sure about that. But it's a possibility. We might as well not rule anything out.

Now, "getting honest" about this situation is a good thing, I think. After all, I have not faced a two-week vacation on maintenance before. This is "Lewis and Clark territory" for me. I'm anxious, I don't want thoughts of food to dominate my thoughts, I want to be able to let loose from time to time. I guess what's got me concerned is there will inevitably be some weight gain, and you know how long it took me to get the poundage off when I was Optifasting. Months...and months and months. Part of me is wondering if I will need to go back on product when I return? Honestly, I don't know if I could successfully do that. Maybe.

I'm thinking I need to step back and revisit my "acceptance" thinking that got me through the long full fast. I had to just settle down and accept that my body was only going to shed, on average, 2.2 lbs. a week. Currently, I just need to accept that my weight is hanging out on the high end of my range; this isn't any "shocker"; and accept that getting down to 150 lbs. is flat out insanity. Seriously, Melissa. Weighing in at 159 lbs. every morning is no big deal. Adding some additional pounds during the West trip is not going to signal the end of the world. Let's get rational here.

I guess I'll just repeat what I have already mentioned earlier: When you lose a significant amount of weight, it just changes you -- dramatically. It is not just the physical change. There's the emotional change, and for me that's pure, unadulterated terror that I am going to gain all my weight back. How could one not feel that way? We know what it's like to be obese: the pain, the shame, the embarrassment. You know I hated myself -- my self-esteem was crushed. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I'm frightened about going back there. But I want to enjoy life! Ah, what a challenging situation.

Now, keep in mind (and you probably already know this), I'm a "little" dramatic, and very prone to "anticipatory worry." Millie told me she recently went on vacation and had great success maintaining. I actually have an appointment with her this week, and we are going to discuss strategies for maintaining when you travel. I'm not out here on my own, winging it with no guidance. (Hey, even Lewis and Clark got a little help.) I've got the necessary supports in place. So I guess it comes down to just "hanging tough" and not falling apart when I see that damn number on the scale. Seriously folks, watch for an obsession with the scale. It can really wreck your serenity. But again, when you lose a massive amount of weight, it's kind of hard not to be chained to the scale.  

Deep breath. I'm a survivor and I'll get through this. Maintenance isn't for the weak of heart, I'll tell you that! (Wink, wink.) "Imperfect progress." That sums up my efforts now perfectly!