Minefield: The Office Kitchen!

I wonder: What's in those cabinets?

So in this weight battle I am waging, I often have to tip toe around land mines -- a sometimes tedious task but one that must be done. When I was Optifasting, it was a fairly easy for me because I was very, very committed to to full compliance, and deeply aware of the money I was spending on product. But now, I am in the real food maintenance world. Which means I must always be on guard for "explosives."

Something very eye-opening happened to me yesterday. I accompanied the Office Manager to Sam's Club, that bulk-buying shopper's "paradise" owned by Walmart. Now, my husband and I cannot have children, so it's just us and we live in place without a lot of storage space. Subsequently,  I don't buy in bulk and hence don't go to Sam's Club. This was a rare visit for me.

Our mission was to buy assorted things for the office. And this included things that are stocked in the office kitchen. And by that I mean candy, cookies, snack cakes, crackers and chips. For an office of 5 people. And wouldn't you know, Sam's Club has all of these things in row upon row, right near the check out counters, so they are easy to spot and reach. How convenient!

What is very compelling to me is, as we maneuvered our cart down these aisles, I started to get very uncomfortable. Huge bags and boxes of very, very caloric, fattening things. I don't buy these things for our home. And I rarely walk down the aisles in my grocery store where they are kept. Suddenly here I was, literally surrounded by this junk. I didn't care if "the price was right." Folks, I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I watched like a hawk everything that went into our cart. The choices made and the sheer volume of it all. And I thought to myself, "Sure, we're saving money, but isn't there a connection between having more and eating more?!" And I thought about the newest employee we have, who told me he gained 10 lbs. in the first month he started working with us. In good part from all the things he was eating at the office. With this kind of selection to choose from, I'm actually surprised he hasn't gained more.

I really do love our Office Manager -- she's a good friend of mine -- and we've been walking together and I give her handouts and articles outlining healthy foods to choose. And when we were at Sam's Club, she asked me what I wanted. I really did sense she wanted me to have something I liked, and actually, I didn't want to disappoint her. Fiber One bars came to mind (even though I have trouble just stopping at one), and we did locate a (big) box of the kind I like. So into the cart went those. At least I'll have something quasi-safe in the kitchen if I start getting cravings.

I do think if I didn't lose all my weight, and I didn't have all my classes outlining healthy foods to select and foods to avoid, and I didn't know about options like having a Fiber One bar for a snack/meal to control calorie intake, I would be darting in and out of the office kitchen all day. So I'm grateful to have this experience and information. Yes, the office has a minefield. But I know where it is -- and that makes all the difference!  

Am I A Failure?

As you know, I stay close to the clinic -- even though I have gained some weight back. I keep attending the free class sessions so I can stay in close touch with program participants and the staff. It motivates them and heck, it motivates me.

Now, it's true that I feel a twinge uncomfortable during these meetings because I could not hold my goal weight and I'm up 15 lbs. I do not want to deter anyone from reaching their goal or give the impression that they are destined for weight gain too. I know how focused I was about hitting goal and holding it forever. And that did not come to pass for me. So there are inevitable feelings of "failure" that I carry with me.

I think that many, many people contend with this sense of being a failure if they gain their weight back after Optifasting. Some of us were on product for a very long period of time and the result was massive physical change, improved health, and dramatically improved self esteem. All positives. There is a great sense of accomplishment and in my case, it was one of the greatest things I have achieved in my life. And of course this feels great.

But -- and this is a big but -- as my weight has crept up, regardless of the valid reasons why, this sense of being a failure has grown. There are times when I am afraid of going to the clinic, and I have talked to folks who felt the same way. For me, I feel like I have let someone down. Millie and Kathy? My frugal husband? Myself? I am fighting a small skirmish here to hold back these failure feelings so they don't keep me away from the clinic. I need to be there, I want to be there.

I know in my heart of hearts if I stop going to the clinic, my weight gain could start really spiraling upward. When I am around my "comrades in arms" and see them working so hard to bring their weight under control, it keeps me focused and committed. Importantly, it reaffirms that I am not alone in all of this. Also, Millie and Kathy provide a wealth of current information that I would not see if I were not there. I'm like a sponge when it comes to this stuff. I can never learn enough about weight management. Yes, the clinic is a resource I must use.

I think it may come down to me biting back these "failure feelings" right now and just keep driving down to the clinic on Wednesday afternoons, attending class, until I feel comfortable and relaxed. There is a Latin phrase, "Repetitio est mater studiorum." Repetition is the mother of learning. Keep going to the classes and seeing my friends. Feel better about myself. Repeat.

If you are gaining your weight back after reaching goal, I strongly encourage you to attend these free sessions if it's an option for you. Let's check those failure feelings at the door. That's what I'm going to try to do. I may find that true freedom and happiness lies within.

  

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

Oh, has this been a wild week. I was wisely counseled not to Optifast again; ignored that advice and started in on a full fast; made it 2 1/2 days then descended into a feeding frenzy; then straightened myself out and I'm back on track with my previous eating routine. I'm tired, I've got this horrible cough, and I just want this rollercoaster to stop.

Time for a deep breath.

Let's take stock of where I am now: 15 lbs. over goal. Engaging in restrictive, same-menu eating for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Easing up at dinnertime, incorporating variety, different menus, but struggling with portion size and eating too quickly. Extreme anxiety with the scale, leading to increase in anxiety medication, which leads to binging and a night-time eating disorder. Yup. That about sums it up.

I am finding it very, very difficult to make any change to this house of cards I am building. Basically folks, I'm frozen in a lot of fear of gaining all the weight back -- and more. This a psychological battle I'm waging right now. I'm going to now begin researching psychological methods to dismantle the fear, and go deeper into this with my talk therapist. It's at this juncture I'll tell you that you need to prepare yourself for the deep psychological changes that occur when you shed a significant amount of weight. In my opinion, this is serious stuff.

I'm also trying to reconcile the great guilt I have for gaining this 15 lbs. back after spending all that money on my program. I've become quite frugal and it pains me to think I may have wasted money. But I can say without a doubt that I am in better physical shape now than I was when I started the program. I just got the results back of a full blood work panel my thyroid doctor ordered and everything is excellent. My cholesterol is down to 190. 190! I know this is from my fiber diet. Physically, I feel great.

No, my battlefield is an emotional one.

Some dismiss emotions, preferring to live in a strictly rational world. I ain't one of those people. I wear everything on my sleeve, I'm probably too open and honest, and I'm deeply compassionate. I was born this way and raised this way. But when you are driven primarily by emotions, you can get into very uncomfortable, painful situations. Like where I am now.

My head is fuzzy today from the cold, so I cannot fully articulate my thoughts right now. But the gist of what I'm thinking is I am not going to run away from my emotions, from this fear of weight gain and guilt about money that I have -- rather I am going to look them in the face and manage them. Heck, dismantle them if I can. Yes, I cannot do this without the assistance of a talk therapist and the support from people who have experience with the Optifast program. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. But that's okay. Helping hands are out there. And I'm grasping them.

I have to go back to work today and I'm not too thrilled about that. But the structure is good for me. Perhaps this holds true for the eating structure I have, even though it is far too restrictive and needs tinkering. It all comes back to patience and time. And playing the hand I've been dealt. I can always just walk away from the card table --but no, today I still want to play. Onward, friends. The game of "Life" continues.

Untangling The Scale Anxiety

Finding freedom

I am very proud of myself. I have gone two days without weighing. This is a huge accomplishment for me, because as you know by now, that damn scale is now one of the biggest triggers for anxiety for me. How long I have wished I could be like others and have no problem with daily weigh-ins; how much I feel like a freak that a number upsets me so much. I have tried and tried to bust through my fears and tension -- trying to be "strong" like "normal" people and just get on the scale every morning. But it just won't work for me. And I'm tired of it all.

What's so interesting is on these days I don't weigh, I really start to feel relaxed and feel better about myself. A number no longer dictates how my day will unfold. I feel peace descend upon me. It's a wonderful feeling. But of course, it is dampened by a nagging fear that my eating will go out the window. That I'll lose "control." I can't trust myself, I reason, because look what happened to me when I wasn't weighing every day: I ballooned up to 239 lbs. And surely, if I don't weigh daily, won't that happen again?

My anxiety tied to the scale is a monster, I have found. Weigh daily, and I get anxious. Don't weigh daily, and I still end up anxious. Take my anti-anxiety medication to combat this, and I end up binging or contending with some other form of disordered eating. Which impacts the scale. It's actually quite a grim picture. And my task here is to try and untangle myself from this tar pit. Oh Lord, give me strength.

My gut is telling me that a scale is not a good thing for me. It was roughly a year ago, December 2012, when I was getting close to goal, that I brought my first scale into the house. I had rushed out and bought it because my in-laws were in town and all these dinners were planned, and I had been full fasting successfully for months, but found myself seriously tested. Begrudgingly, I began to partake in some of these meals because I felt like a freak. And they didn't really understand what Optifasting was all about.

I can see so clearly now that weighing once a week at the clinic -- and seeing my weight go down -- posed no anxiety for me. But once I bought that damn scale and switched to weighing every day, and saw the weight fluctuations glaring up at me, my anxiety shot through the roof. It only got worse during maintenance, when my weight stopped dropping, stabilized, but slowly started increasing. Fast-forward to today where I'm lugging around 15 lbs. of extra weight. It's no wonder I'm a wreck.

So, where do I go from here?

I remember my thyroid doctor told me that when it comes to weight, throw out your scale, buy a belt, and when it gets too tight, go on a diet. I chuckle at that, but perhaps for me this may seriously be a good option. Oh, I'm going to get this 15 lb. regain off. There is no question about that. I invested too much money and time Optifasting to get my 80 lbs. off. But who's to say this cannot be done without the "benefit" of the scale? I'm positive others have done this before. People like me who have such a problem with that dreaded contraption.

You know, it takes a lot of strength to say "no" to something you are obsessed with, but know harms you. I'm going to have to dig deep inside on this one...muster up some true strength and focus. Fortunately I have my husband and family and talk therapist and everyone at the clinic and my Facebook friends. I don't have to do this alone. I want to, I need to be free from the scale. Just as I needed to be at a healthy weight, free from obesity. And I'm going to make it happen. Rest assured.    

I have been free from the scale for two days. I may not make it another day. But this is a start. And I'm happy.

  

An Eye-Opening Discussion

It's not my fault!

Greetings readers. I have had very little sleep again, this time the result of a chest cold that has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I can't stop coughing and my husband had to ask me to leave the bedroom because he couldn't sleep...so here I am again, in the early morning hours, blogging away. This is now two nights in a row that I have had very little sleep, and that's not good for me. So I am taking the day off from work to try and rest.

I had a meeting yesterday with Millie and Kathy at the clinic and it was a very eye-opening discussion. They have reviewed my chart and Millie has done some research and she has ascertained there is a link between my particular anti-anxiety med and binging behavior. You may recall that my anti-anxiety medicine was greatly increased this summer, and lo and behold the strange binging cropped up (I have never done this before), and really letting loose on two dinners out a week. So we can see that yes, I have gained 15 lbs. But folks, it is not my fault. This was inevitable.

Now, at this juncture, in comes the frustration -- heck, the anger -- that I have to take this medication in the first place. Having to swallow pills even though you know they make you gain weight is very, very upsetting -- and those in this situation will know exactly what I mean. I can explore the option of switching to another brand of anti-anxiety medicine and I see my doctor tomorrow and we can discuss it. But now I feel like a guinea pig and that makes me mad.

And then there is this issue of the 15 lb. weight gain, and my very strong desire to get that off and maybe 5-10 lbs. more. Yes, I can continue to follow my fiber-based diet and really target getting my calories down to 1,200/day. This type of diet really works for me, because I am a grazer and I absolutely adore carbs. The fiber diet keeps my stomach fuller, longer, and keeps that grazing at bay. I focus on things like bran, bulgur, legumes, certain vegetables and fruits, Fiber One cereal, etc. I really do like it.

But then there is the lure of Optifast, the removal of food so I can concentrate on other things. And I had very low anxiety until the last two months of my fasting, when my in-laws came to town, it was the Christmas holiday season, and my anxiety was further stoked by transition and the unknowns associated with that looming in the near future. I shudder to think of that time. It was horrible.

So I would say I learned quite a bit yesterday. I was so deeply touched when Kathy told me I was one of few people who have tackled the totality of everything required to lose weight on Optifast and maintain. It was wonderful to hear that, because I have worked so very hard to get at this maintenance from all three areas: calorie control, exercise, and strengthening emotional coping skills. It's been quite a lot of work and I've invested a lot into this physically, emotionally and spiritually. This has been a tough journey.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'll end here. I'm going to tip toe back upstairs and see if I can sleep quietly. I've had some cough drops and some cough suppressant. That should help things. Stay tuned for further developments...the battle continues!

 

A Change Of Course?

A time of reckoning

Well, I've been up and down all night, barely getting any sleep, because I am worried that after the Florida vacation trip, I am 15 lbs. over goal. I do not like this. I am very uncomfortable. And with Christmas and New Year's Day looming in the distance, I just see my weight going up, up, up. I fought so hard to get my 80 lbs. off and reach my 160 lb. goal. I was on product for 9 1/2 months. I won't let this blow up in my face. I just can't let it.

Fortunately, I have a meeting with Millie at the clinic today, so we can discuss strategies. At this juncture, I am really wanting to resume Optifasting again. I got up into my cabinets and I have extra product, my shaker, extracts, and even my Indian spices for the soups. I'm good to go. I can have my weigh-ins and measurements done at the clinic; interact with the other patients; see the staff; and nip this gain right in the bud and bring my weight down.

Actually, you may recall that I have toyed from time to time with the possibility of going another 10 lbs. down from my goal -- to 150 lbs. -- so I have some "wiggle room" when a little weight comes back. I'm giving this option serious thought. Total time to achieve this is most likely 3 months, given my slow loss rate. But I have shown once I commit to something, I throw myself into it. No cheats. No deviations. Following the clinic's instructions to the letter. I can do this.

Most importantly, my heart, my "gut" tells me Optifast is the way to go at this juncture. I'm not comfortable with my body, the way my clothes fit, my strange eating patterns, the random binges, just all these things that evolved when I moved into maintenance. I want a second shot at transition. And on a very good note, Millie is getting closer to the possibility of offering in 2014 a 12-week seminar on fiber diets and maintenance. I love fiber. It helps me maintain. Wouldn't it be great if I could transition off of product into Millie's program? I'd love that!

So my Optifast products are lined up on the counter. And I am going to have a shake this morning. Here we go again. Thank God for my blog!

Thanksgiving: Learning To Trust Myself

Happy Thanksgiving from Florida!

Greetings all from Florida! Hubby and I winged our way down here two days ago and I'm enjoying this weather in the 70s (versus the 20 degree weather in Ohio!). Read over my last post and I must say I was very, very disgruntled and that has passed. I go through those moments when I get frustrated with my "slight" weight gain, and I guess there's a bigger, more general frustration with my repetitive eating routine -- which I feel I should continue if I want to keep my 10-12 lb. gain capped. Folks, this whole maintenance thing is just so hard for me sometimes. And every so often, it's time for a good vent.

So...on to today.

I awoke early this morning, Thanksgiving, and watched the sun rise over the palm trees. It was beautiful, and I started contemplating how the day would proceed for me. I had planned a day of very strict eating, followed by an extremely lean Thanksgiving dinner consisting of fish and vegetables -- no carbs and no desserts. And as I was sitting there in the early morning hour, I thought to myself, "This is nuts! You need to enjoy yourself, just in a controlled way." I remembered too, that one year ago I was here, Optifasting, and I had the fish and vegetable dinner. Must I really repeat that -- is that all I'm limited to? No, I think we can evolve from this just a bit.

Now, some might think there is a danger in "loosening the reins." And I think there's validity to that in some cases. But perhaps in my case some easing up today might not be a bad thing? Perhaps having a day of freedom  from my repetitive eating schedule is allowed -- and maybe deserved? Sure, I'm scared and nervous and worried about the scale. You know I'm always worried about the scale. Of course I know that most pack on about 10 lbs. from the period between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. But I have decided I'm going to try something new: trusting myself.

What's absolutely fascinating to me is since I arrived here, a desire to mindlessly graze has been escalating to an almost painful point. But once I made my decision this morning to give myself some leeway on my eating today, the thoughts of grazing evaporated! Gone. I had my oatmeal early, then a brunch around 11:00 a.m. and dinner is at 6:30 p.m. I'm not hungry at all this afternoon -- quite content to watch football and go to Facebook and perhaps walk with my husband  (we had planned a beach walk but we've been lounging around and haven't gone yet). I'm relaxed. And quite happy about that.

It appears that as I enter this year's holiday season, I'm going to need to strive for some sort of "balance" in my eating. Some controlled menus (I use the words "controlled" or "restrictive" for lack of better words -- working on finding some more positive term!) offset by some leeway on things where I trust myself to eat more caloric things wisely. Using avoidance strategies with treats i.e. "I can't eat this" or "I won't eat that" doesn't really work for me. I just end up in an out-of-control feeding frenzy. I can make good decisions. I've completed 9 months of maintenance and I'm doing okay.

Again, it's baby steps with all of this. We'll see how tonight goes. I've seen the menu and I think I'm going to have pumpkin soup, a salad and lamb. And dessert? Who knows. I know I'll make the right choice. I feel good. Empowered. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!

Inevitable Weight Gain? Diffusing Some Anger

Yesterday was interesting. Importantly, the temperature dropped into the 30s, and just like clockwork every year, my appetite went out the window. Just as I had expected, I ate a little less of my meals. I just wasn't hungry and felt satisfied with less. This is how the winter weight loss starts. And obviously, in a semi-twisted way, I'm thrilled about it. I would love getting into the mid-160s again, having hung out, on average, at 171 lbs. for months. The clothes will fit more loosely. My mood improves when that dreaded scale contraption shows a number I like. My legs cross even better. But...what (emotional) price did I pay to get to this point?

So as I was sitting in front of a roaring fire last night, I started to simmer a bit. Then it grew to frustration. And ultimately into anger. At this point, I am absolutely convinced that weight gain is inevitable when you conclude the Optifast program. I'm not talking about the 3-5 lbs. that automatically come back when you cease the products. I'm talking about the 10, 20, 30 lbs. that come back. Now yes, of course, sometimes this is a direct result from inattention to emotional eating behaviors. Using food to comfort is an extremely hard habit to break, just like smoking or giving up alcohol. But some physical things are going on too. I don't have the proper scientific background to nail this all down, but something is up. And there's something I want to know.

Why didn't my clinic prepare me for this inevitability?

I paid a very significant amount of money to lose my 80 lbs. And I went on to pay more money for counseling sessions. I exercise as best I can every day. I take in, for the most part, 1,400 calories a day. Any less than that and I feel physically sick and start binging. I do therapy once a week. I have read countless books on addressing emotional eating and have made behavioral changes. I journal (i.e. blog) regularly. I interact with my Facebook Optifast friends every single day.

And guess what folks. I gained weight. Despite all of this. Yes, I've got it capped at 10-15 lbs. And yes, with the seasonal change, I will lose some of this. But I have been through sheer hell to maintain this "status quo." Now, perhaps there are some people out there that are breezing through maintenance. Hats off to them. I, however, am not one of them. I also contend with the knowledge that I saw with my own eyes my scale register 155 lbs. one morning -- and today it reads 172 lbs. This is not something where I just say, "Oh well! What will be will be!" Oh no, this is when the negative self-talk starts. This is when I try on those few clothes I bought at my lowest weight and find they don't fit properly. And I only bought them a year ago. Into a storage bin they go. Wasted money. Nothing gets me angrier.

But I know I cannot stay angry forever. That needs to be let go. I do not regret enrolling in the Optifast program. I think if you are obese -- not overweight, but obese -- it is a good way to go. But there needs to be hardcore psychological counseling included in your program (I have repeatedly suggested to my clinic that they bring a psychologist on staff) and more scientific explanation about what really happens to your body when you stop the products. Candid dialogue about the weight gain odds. I think we are up against some scientific factors we cannot overcome, no matter what we do, short of starving ourselves. And I want it explained that yes, you should expect an x gain. This open dialogue would have saved me a heck of a lot of grief.

No, I'm not giving up my fight to stay as close to goal as I can and still feel content and happy. But as for seeing 155 lbs. again, you can forget it. Life's too short, I have to have some pleasure in life. And with that, I'm off to buy some more firewood. Don't want the fire to go out...yet. Have a great day all.


    

Staying In Control Over The Weekend

The following is from The Beck Diet Solution website:

"This week I had a session with my client, Rachel.  Historically, Rachel was a dieter who was able to eat healthfully during the week but would tend to “lose it” during the weekends.  Over the last few weeks, Rachel and I have been working hard to come up with strategies, techniques, and responses to her weekend sabotaging thoughts so that she would be able to maintain her control throughout the weekend.  When Rachel came to see me this week, she told me that things have finally turned around for her and that she’s noticed a significant change in her ability to stay on track during the weekend. How did Rachel do this?

Rachel ate the same way she did during week days.  Rachel says one of the most important shifts she has made is finally accepting that, if she wants to lose weight and keep it off, her weekend eating just can’t be all that different from her weekday eating. Rachel started reminding herself that her body doesn’t know or care that it’s the weekend and that it will process all calories the same no matter what day of the week it is.

Rachel stuck to a weekend eating schedule. One strategy that really helped Rachel gain control over her eating during the week was following a set schedule of eating. This enabled her to cut out the all-day grazing she used to do because she had defined times for when she would eat and when she wouldn’t. Initially, Rachel resisted following this schedule during the weekend, saying that she wanted her weekends to have more spontaneity.  Rachel found, however, that not having an eating schedule on the weekend led her back to constantly grazing in the kitchen and continually asking herself, “Should I have eat now?” This meant that she struggled with whether or not to eat so much more often than she did during the week – and it also meant that she took in many more calories.  Rachel realized that it was worth giving up her eating spontaneity (but not necessarily her activity spontaneity) if it meant she regained her sense of peace!

Rachel began exercising at least once during the weekend. Rachel was always good at getting herself to exercise during the week, but she used to think that weekends were an excuse to not move a muscle. Rachel knew that, on the days she exercised during the week, it made her feel better, more energized, and more easily able to stick to healthy eating.  Rachel realized that not exercising on the weekend played into her “unhealthy weekend” mindset, and that getting herself to do at least 30 minutes of walking outside, either Saturday or Sunday, made her feel just as good as it did during the week.  Rachel changed her thought from, “Exercising on the weekend will make my weekend worse,” to, “Exercising on the weekend will make me feel great, just as it does during the week. It makes my weekend better, not worse.”

Rachel got out of the kitchen when it wasn’t a time to eat.  During the week, Rachel works in an office and can’t spend the whole day hanging out in her work kitchen.  During the weekend, however, Rachel was in the habit of spending a lot of time in her kitchen because it’s one of her favorite rooms in her house. Rachel realized that this was really working against her because the more time she spent in her kitchen, the harder it was for her not to think about food and eating.  Rachel instead set up a nice area for herself in her living room, with a new chair she really liked, and decided that, at least for the time being, the kitchen would only be for eating, not for hanging out. This made a huge difference for Rachel because once she wasn’t constantly looking at food, it made it easier to focus on other things."

Vacation Preparation

Well I'm leavin'...on an airplane!

Thanksgiving 2013 is approaching, and that means my husband and I are gearing up for our annual trip to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. I'm very excited, but also a little cautious, because I know vacations for me inevitably signal some weight gain -- despite my best intentions! But I'm taking steps to try and keep things under control, and I've learned from vacations this summer that I need some structure to be successful in maintaining my weight.

Here are some things I am doing/plan to do:

1. I am tightening up my eating right now. And by that I mean I'm really watching my calories and portion size. I'm also measuring things again, as the "eyeballing" technique can sometimes get a little less accurate as time goes onward. Importantly, I'm not skipping meals or snacks -- thinking if I starve myself I'll lose weight. That doesn't work for me, as my body just stores everything I would eat as fat, in anticipation of the restricted eating. Subsequently, I'm staying on my normal eating routine.

2. I have made a grocery list for my Mom. I sent an email to my Mom outlining in detail what items I need her to purchase for my breakfasts, lunches and snacks. In the past, she would just stock the fridge with what she thought I would like -- and that included decadent chicken salad and eggs and sausage and pre-made sandwiches from the gourmet market. I don't eat this way anymore. Having my familiar foods ready for me when I get there keeps my structure in place.

3. We have all the dinners planned out in advance. In the past, pre-Optifast, we would go out every night of the vacation, and I would order anything I wanted on the menu. Now, I love restaurants, and to deny myself any meal out is just not something that's going to happen. So we have decided on three nights out (one night is Thanksgiving), three nights eating in, and I know the menus of the places where we are going to eat. I'll be having seafood at all three, and ordering it baked or grilled, lightly sauced, skip the carbs, and have a vegetable. Mom and I are going to share a dessert. So I'll get a few bites, which is all I need.

4. I am taking specific food items on the plane. This always includes 100-calorie almond packs, part-skim string cheese, and an apple. I buy a large iced coffee in the terminal and bring that on the plane with me.  When the drink cart goes by, I will ask for water. This way I'm covered when I inevitably get bored and start wanting to eat.

5. I'll exercise when I'm down there. This includes long walks on the beach and swimming, two of my most favorite activities. I plan to walk every day.

***

So this is where I am right now. I weighed in this morning at 171 lbs. and I would like to get down a pound or two before I leave. I am upping my fiber, as that really helps me shed a few pounds. I feel very positive about my maintenance ability because I've got some good vacation experience under my belt. All in all, I'm excited. Leavin' on a jet plane...I can't wait!

For The Couch Potatoes

You are probably aware of this simple truth: When it comes to weight management, the more you exercise, the more calories you can consume. Simply put: Work out more, get to eat more. Those in my boat who can't (or more honestly won't) exercise, and want to keep their weight off, are going to have to watch everything they eat like a hawk and keep calories consumed at a very low level. Sedentary behavior also flies in the face of the three-legged chair requirement for holding a healthy weight. Leg One: Calorie counting. Leg Two: Addressing emotional coping skills. Leg Three: Exercise (or "physical activity" if that sounds better to you).

I've not read one success story to date of someone who is keeping their weight off after Optifast without exercising regularly. In my case, I do manage to walk up to 2 miles a day. And yes, that is exercise. But I'm not out running, or working out at the gym, and I'll be honest folks, I'm pretty darn nervous about this. I am, however, absolutely convinced that the vast majority of people who have Optifasted and reached goal are struggling to exercise regularly. Heck, the majority of Americans don't get enough daily activity. But does this mean we just throw in the towel and suffer through an extremely restricted diet to maintain? Heck no.

The one thing I really have going for me is a husband going through a mid-life crisis who has jumped on board with me and eating the healthy, high-fiber/protein dinners. And he has also jacked up his physical exercise -- and not-so-subtly encourages me to join him. He brings up the importance of exercise to me every single day. Now, sometimes this really, really bothers me and I feel guilty. But other times, like last weekend, I pulled myself out of my chair, got my running/walking shoes on and went on a long walk with him. His "pestering with love" does pay off sometimes.

I also have Kathy, our clinic Director, who is an incredible motivator when it comes to exercising. Every time I see her at my weekly weigh-ins, I am reminded to exercise. We've had many, many private discussions and class discussions about this topic. So my weekly clinic visits are of course crucial to keeping me at least focused on the importance of exercise for weight management, and how to get motivated to do so.

Folks, the exercise leg on my stool has always been the weakest leg. The other two legs are firmly attached -- with nails and Super Glue. I go in stops and starts. One day I'm hell bent on exercising, the next day I just want to go to work, come home and cook, and relax with my laptop in the evening. This is tough. But you know me. I'm not giving up.

I want all those who really shun physical activity to know I'm right in that camp with you. But -- there is just no denying the fact that if we really want to be healthy, happy and free, we've just got to get off out butts and get moving. Period. I'm a "restrictive eater" as you know, and more times than not, I'm not too happy with this. And I want to dissuade you from going down my path.

There's about an inch of snow on the ground today, but my co-worker and I are going to strap our boots on and head out for our morning walk. The sun is out, and actually, I'm looking forward to walking today. Now as for tomorrow...who knows. But living by my credo, "Stay in the Precious Present," I'm not going to worry about what tomorrow is going to bring. Let's get moving. Have a great day all!

And Then The Light Bulb Went On!

Well good morning all! The Bassets got me up early AGAIN and I can't get back to sleep, so of course to my blog I go. The coffee is brewing and the gum chewing has begun (yes, I still chew the sugarless gum that got me through the long stretch of Optifasting). I realize I haven't posted in awhile and that's due to a very hectic work period right now. Things don't ease up until Thanksgiving, when hubby and I wing our way down to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. Obviously, I can't wait!

A very, very dear Facebook friend sent me this picture earlier this week. I just smiled so broadly when I saw it, and at the same time felt tears in my eyes. How many days, how many years have I wasted raking myself over the coals for not being perfect? Not doing the "right thing" or being the "good girl" or never making mistakes? I'll just say that a damn good amount of time has been lost to worry and anxiety that I don't measure up to someone else's standards. And guess what? Today I'm pretty darn mad about this! (wink, wink)

I want to state for the record today that Melissa has done one hell of a good job maintaining the weight lost through the Optifast program. I've worked extremely hard to master, as best I can at this juncture, all the things that are required for a complete lifestyle overhaul. What I am doing is not easy. It's extremely difficult, actually. And I'm coming at this from every angle, to the best of my ability, and that's something to commend and celebrate.

In my case, it was just impossible to hold right at my goal weight of 160 lbs. Despite everything I was doing, all the restrictions in place, exercising as best I could in the face of great resentment, I could not hold goal weight. What I can hold, with a current regime that I am happy and content with, is a weight range of 168 - 172 lbs. And some days, particularly early in the week, I go up a little from that, but it inevitably comes back down. And all of this is AOK. This is my body saying, "Hey Melissa -- I'm happy here."

Now of course, in the back of my mind is the wonderful memory of hitting my 160 lb. goal  -- and actually, that one morning I got on my scale and it registered 155 lbs. That was a high like no other. But I'm not there now, and I'm not going back there, and frankly, today, that's fine by me. I'm 47 years old, 5' 6, curvy and wearing a clothing size that is the average for American women: 12-14. I was starting to creep into size 26 before the Optifast program. Yes, I've come a long way baby.

I am sitting here right now actually getting quite angry at those purported "medical experts" debunking liquid diets, citing all the failure statistics, implying if you're not in that 2-5% who keeps everything off, well that just proves their case. Well, Mr. Expert, some of us packed a little extra back on but we're doing pretty damn well. Healthy as a horse. According to you, we're with the 98% who failed. And I'm no failure. I'm a success story. Folks, remember this advice: Figures lie. And liars figure.

The sun is coming up and it looks to be a beautiful, chilly day in Columbus. I'm going to have my oatmeal, then slip back into bed for a little snoozing. I've spent this morning "approving of myself." And what do you know. I feel great!

Reality Check

When I was Optifasting -- and in the initial months of maintenance -- it was very, very important to me that I be in the "elite" 2-5% who keep all their weight off after losing it with a primarily liquid diet. In many ways, I was obsessed, because I believed anything less would translate into me being a failure and meant that I would gain all my weight back. I viewed myself as either Melissa at 160 lbs. or Melissa at 239 lbs.

This automatically set me up to define everything about myself in number terms. I fell right into that trap I had identified early on in my Optifasting and swore I would avoid. Was it inevitable? Well, I'm not so sure. When you get weighed in at a clinic week after week, watching your weight go down and your clothes start to fall off from two, three, four drops in clothing size, it's an incredible, alluring "high." No doubt about that. And all of these numbers are charted, for you to clearly see.

For me, there was no disputing this fact: The lower the numbers started to go, the better I felt -- physically and emotionally.

But for me, I started to lose touch with the fact that I am so much more than my weight and measurement statistics. I have many, many other wonderful things that make up "me." I'm compassionate. A loving wife. A great cook. Inquisitive. I'm hard working. Funny. Very caring and sympathetic. Like all of us, I am many good things. In short, I am amazing.

Unfortunately for me, this is something I don't (or won't) believe all the time -- it's not second-nature for me to embrace this reality. Label it low self-esteem I guess. Today, however, I am going to change that. Today I am going to give myself a big pat on the back and raise a glass (of mineral water) to myself and all the wonderful qualities I possess. No, it's not a time for a huge slice of cake (wink, wink) but it is a time for a long walk with my Bassets with a big smile on my face.

I am amazing. I must remember that!

Eight Months Of Maintenance: Reflections

Onward Little Warrior!

Okay, I may be getting the hang of this. I say this cautiously, but I am feeling optimistic this morning. I've completed the first eight months of my Optifast maintenance journey, and much has been learned -- good and bad -- and I'm still hanging in there. I wanted to share with you a "summary" of what I am doing, what is working for me. This routine is certainly not for everyone, but if I follow it, I hold on average about 10-12 lbs. over goal:

1. Eat similar things every day (dinner excluded -- change that up). Schedule is breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.

Breakfast: 1/2 c. quick-cook oatmeal prepared with 1/2 c. skim milk and 1/2 c. water. One tbsp. pure Vermont maple syrup and 1 tbsp. almond slices mixed in.

Lunch: 2 oz. lean turkey deli meat, 1/2 slice cheese, mustard on Brownberry Sandwich Thin; 1/2 c. low fat cottage cheese; 6-8 oz. low sodium V-8 vegetable juice.

Afternoon snack: small apple and part-skim mozzarella cheese stick

Dinner: varies -- 300-400 calories 5 days a week; 400-600 calories 2 days a week

Evening snack: 1 c. Fiber One cereal mixed with 1/2 c. no-fat yogurt, almonds, berries or peaches and Splenda.

2. Walk 1-2 miles a day.

3. Fiber-based diet. The dinners I cook emphasize high fiber/high protein; low sodium and low calories. I notice if I don't have my Fiber One cereal at night my weight will go up and it opens the door to night grazing and waking up in the middle of the night and eating.

4. In depth reading/study of emotional eating behavior and how to correct it. This has been on-going ever since I started Optifasting. I know I overeat for emotional reasons -- bored, angry, stressed, anxious, celebrating, depressed, etc. etc. -- and I am getting the tools to process my feelings in ways that do not involve food.

5. Weigh in/attend class at clinic once a week. This is critical for me. My weight is recorded in my official file. I also get the chance to see my friends there and have sessions with the staff.

6. Visit and post in the Facebook Optifast groups every day. I am guaranteed support 24/7.

7. I can now "eyeball" my portions, but every few days I measure my servings. This was a suggestion from Millie, my nutritionist. I need to be careful my portion sizes don't grow. That can happen very, very easily.

8. Follow the "80/20" rule -- ease up on two dinners a week. I take in more calories, and I need to watch my portion size, but honestly these dinners keep me sane. I love them, I need them.

Following all these steps, I have held on average around 10-12 lbs. (on my scale) over goal for 3 months. The first 5 months of maintenance I held on average right at goal, but then my weight started creeping up. I had medicine increased but I am also convinced this inevitably happens, as your stomach expands post-product and you take in more food to fill it.

I also know now that I am very salt-sensitive: If I have salty foods, the next day my weight will swing up and it takes about 5 days to bring it back down. I'm getting much better at not panicking when this happens. It's taken some time, but I'm getting there.

By far, my greatest struggle, my greatest source of anxiety and frustration is the scale. You know this already. I am trying to build a more "healthy relationship" with it. Like other things, this will take time and the clinic is helping. I now stand with my back to the scale at my official weigh-ins, and I made it through two days this week with no weighing. This is a major accomplishment for me. I will keep working in this area -- we all have crosses to bear and this is mine.

So this is where things stand right now. I feel pretty darn good about it. This "Little Warrior" is fighting the good fight. Onward we march!

It's Critical: A Good Support Group

Millie and I have talked about how important it is to have people backing you on your decision to follow the Optifast program. This was never a problem for me, as I have family members who have Optifasted, my husband was on board, and my doctors were encouraging it. But I have met folks who encounter great resistance and negativity when they reveal they are Optifasting. I can only imagine how much more difficult this makes the person's Optifast journey. This is a challenging program and support is needed.

I make sure to interact with my friends at the clinic and root them on -- several women did that for me and it carried me through some very, very difficult times. There's that old saying, "It takes one to know one" and hands down I believe the best support comes from those who are in the program/have completed the program/have experience with the program.

In this wonderful age of technology, we now have the ability to electronically "connect" with people from all over the world who have experience with the Optifast program. Specifically I am referring to Facebook -- but there are also personal Optifast blogs that we can read as well. This is truly a wonderful thing. In my case, my Facebook friends have helped me through some very low times, some horrific cravings, and my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual battles with maintenance. When you are going through a lifestyle change, it's a monumental thing, and I'd argue impossible to do on your own.

At the top of my blog, you will see links to several things: official Optifast sites as well as specific Optifast support groups available on Facebook. I encourage you to check out these links and explore the support opportunities available to you. I have shared this information with my clinic and encourage you to do the same. If you do not have a Facebook account, they are easy to set up and it's free. Give it a try!

You don't have to go through this program alone. Reach out and help is there. Hope to "see" you on Facebook soon!

On Anxiety And Obsession

For those who have been following me along throughout this whole journey, you will most likely remember the repeated vows I made while I was Optifasting that I would not become obsessed with the scale. There are many reasons why I said that -- the key one being I find it a colossal waste of time. It can also, for some people, wreck your serenity and life is just too short for that. Yet ever since I hit maintenance, my obsession with that dreaded contraption (and my weight) has grown and grown. And I've been lamenting this for a long, long time.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he shed some light on this matter. As you know, I have anxiety disorder and take medication for it. And I asked him today: Does obsessiveness cause the anxiety or does anxiety cause the obsessiveness? And he said it was the latter. My anxiety, if left unchecked and not, in my case, medicated properly will spark the obsessive thinking -- and my current "target" is the scale.

We've had to increase my anxiety medication several times since I began maintaining. Do I like this? Heck no. Sometimes I feel like the medication is a "crutch." Other times I think I should be able to "do it all" and "pull myself up by the bootstraps." On rare occasions, I feel like a freak. Stigma against mental disorders is alive and well in the United States, despite noble efforts to eradicate it.

But at least I got some insight today, some explanation why I am struggling so much with the scale and my swings in weight. I know many, many people who have absolutely no problem with the scale, and I have felt so dejected and downtrodden that it poses a huge problem for me. I see so clearly why I avoided weighing at all pre-Optifast. I think I intuitively knew scales were not a good thing for me, could upset me, posed a "danger" for me.

However -- let us step back and go over some things about weight management. Studies show that we stand the best shot at maintaining our weight by, among other things,  a.) watching/tracking calories; b.) exercise; c.) weighing regularly; and d.) addressing emotional triggers. Weighing regularly is right up there. Knowing I am going to the clinic on Wednesdays to get weighed keeps me on track and staying compliant with a healthy eating routine. No question about it. If I want to keep this weight off, I have to weigh myself. I have to face the scale and see the result -- and process the emotions that result from that.

My hope, my dream is that the anxiety medication in conjunction with time and weighing experience will knock out the obsessiveness and get me to a more relaxed state. I have to be patient here, and I know from my Optifasting experience I can dig deep and find that. I'm strong when it's required. I guess that's an asset.

To all those contending with a situation similar to my own, please know you are not alone, you are not a "freak," and we will get through this. With time comes wisdom. And our true strength lies there.
    

The Mental "Flip Flop"

Well, let's see. How do I describe how I'm feeling right now? Conflicted might be a good word. One minute I'm hell-bent on carving off the 8 -12 lb. swing in weight gain I've put on since concluding Optifasting. The next day I wonder if I'm just happiest hanging out where I am. It's a mental "flip flop" that can drive a person crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it is just inevitable that when you reach goal, even if you watch what you eat very, very closely -- and exercise every day -- there's just going to be some weight gain that doesn't go away. But then other days, I question whether this is really true, or simply an excuse to slip slide yourself away to gaining all your weight back.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should have just mustered more strength to get down 150 lbs., which probably would mean another 5-6 weeks on product. But then I remember how my body just "told me" it was time to stop, and my anxiety was running pretty high too. No, 9 1/2 months Optifasting was enough. I had to move on, had to resume eating "real" food, and I was, frankly, ready to begin the challenge of maintenance. I made it to goal. Onward to the next phase.

I believe I've mentioned this before, but here's the upshot: If I follow a tightly monitored eating regime, keep my calories around 1,200 - 1,300 a day; walk 1-2 miles a day; and have the 1-2 binges that seem to always result from this, I can slowly lose weight and very likely get back down to 165 lbs. If I watch what I eat very closely, taking in 1,350 calories 5 days a week; take in 1,600-1,800 calories 2 days a week; walk 1-2 miles a day; and as a result have few if any binges, I stay on average 10 lbs. over goal.

Now, anything that knocks out those binges is on its face a good thing. Anyone who had/have bingeing episodes knows what I am talking about. But the trade-off, well, it's those extra pounds which for me exacerbate the fear I have of gaining my weight back. I also remember how I looked in my new clothes at 160 lbs., how nice (at times) it was seeing that scale registering 160 lbs., how "solid" I felt that I would be in that "elite" group who Optifasted and kept all their weight off. Those things felt good.

But -- and this is a big but -- there are definitely times when I stop and say to myself, "You know, I'm happy being 10 lbs. over goal; I like my days where I "allow" myself to take in more calories; I'm not in the "elite" group, but who cares?? I'm me, and this is where I belong!" Again, my thinking changes day by day, week by week. Yes, it's frustrating.

I will say without any ounce of doubt that my weekly weigh-ins at the CONCI clinic keep me very, very focused on at least capping my weight gain where it is, and it motivates me to shed some pounds. Because I weigh there in the afternoon, my result will be 2 lbs. over my morning weigh-in (which I now use to report my weight here). But this will always be my "official" weight, the one written down and charted, and I take it very, very seriously. For example, I had three dinners this week that fit into that 1,600 - 1,800 calorie range, and I took in extra salt. And I weighed in at 174 lbs. today -- out of my "new normal" range of 168 - 172 lbs. That's 176 lbs. on the clinic scale. And that, folks, I definitely do not like.  

Well, as we all know by now, this is a journey, and I continue to bumble along on my road. Actually, at this moment, I do think I'm doing a pretty good job. Going to the clinic helps; interacting with Optifasters on Facebook helps; reading helps; blogging helps; my husband helps. I've got the bases covered. I don't think I'll ever have maintenance mastered and that's AOK. Practice, imperfect progress, One Day at a Time. That works best for me. Always!

Takin' Care Of Business

Just a dab will do!

Very proud of myself right now. As you know, I ran water over that bag of Shredded Wheat and pitched it. Yesterday, I put a big glob of dishwashing liquid in the peanut butter jar, ran water over it, shook it up, then threw it out. Yes, I feel like a freak doing this, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to get rid of temptations that lure you away from your healthy eating schedule. Next up are the Fiber One bars. For some reason, I don't want to get rid of those. I know I have to because they are like candy to me (same as the Optifast bars were) and feed a bad night-eating habit. Yet I'm in a holding pattern. I will try to ditch those this afternoon.

Speaking of night-eating, I was at the clinic yesterday for my maintenance class with Kathy and after that concluded I popped into Millie's office for a quick hello. We talked about how this night-eating is definitely "red flag" behavior, and can usher in an eating disorder. For example, I have had several times where I woke up in the middle of the night and came down and had Shredded Wheat. This is what I am talking about. It is not normal and I have to curb this behavior immediately before I slip into a hole and it is hard to get out. Some cognitive "rewiring" is needed here. So I'm going to work on this. I'll probably feel great discomfort at first, but I'm tough and will work my way through it.

As the days pass, I am also getting more focused on shedding that 5-6 lbs. to get me back down to 165 lbs. I know I have been talking about getting comfortable with a "new normal" of 168 - 172 lbs., but every day I am feeling more strongly about tightening back up again. I'm also looking ahead to that holiday season that runs from Halloween through New Year's Day. Most will plow on 10 lbs. during this time and I just can't afford having that happen. Now, if I'm down around 165 lbs., I may have a little wiggle room. But honestly, I just have to stay focused here on holding a healthy weight.

So I guess I want to relay that you have to be very much aware of the "weight creep" that for me, started up after I had been maintaining for about 5 months. There were some vacations thrown in there, and I really started over-indulging in nice restaurants. Tightening back up, I'm finding, is difficult but necessary to keep things from continuing to escalate. Also keep an eye out for night time grazing and eating, and if you are waking up in the middle of the night and eating, know that is a clear danger signal.

I was told over and over and over again that maintenance was going to be the most difficult part of my weight management lifestyle change journey. And folks, it's true. But stay focused, stay on top of things, and you'll be okay. Oh -- and also do your emotional/coping skills work i.e. breaking that terrible pattern of eating to process feelings of sadness, distress, anxiety, heck, good moods...studies show that addressing emotional eating works better than simple "I'll avoid this food" strategies. Those often fail.

Onward I go down this dusty road. Fortunately I've got walking buddies. I'm going to get this maintenance mastered. My head is in the right place and so is my heart. Come join our little group. We'd love to have you! Take care all.

Deviations: Payin' The Piper

The culprit? If you don't measure, yes!

Well, let's see. How does Melissa feel today? Grrrr. I can't seem to budge off of a morning weigh-in of 171 lbs. and I feel like I've been here for weeks. Has it been that long? Who the heck knows. On the one hand, I'm certainly in that "new normal" range I set for myself of 168 - 172 lbs. (Morning weigh in, not clinic weigh in, which is in the afternoon.) Roughly 10 lbs. over goal. But it's no secret everyone -- I want that scale moving down, just as it did when I was Optifasting. Every week, down, on average, 2.2 lbs.

I'm not going to kid myself. I even caught myself yesterday fantasizing about Optifasting again, even though I know deep down that's not an option for me because I know how to maintain, I am maintaining, and frankly I'm very happy with my current eating schedule. But the fantasy is alive and well. So "grrrrr" some more.

Let's look at this straight up: Medicine adjustments automatically put 5 lbs. on me. That took me up to 165 lbs. I believe it would be extremely difficult if not completely impossible to take that off without Optifast, or some similar very low calorie diet. So what we are really talking about here is shedding about 5 lbs. Five stupid pounds.

Now, I'm going to get honest here. My current eating regime has been "adjusted." As you know, I have the oatmeal breakfast; turkey sandwich/cottage cheese/V-8 lunch; apple/cheese stick snack; and dinner I prepare emphasizing fiber, low calorie, low salt. But here's the kicker: I started getting bored with my evening Fiber One concoction, so I've started having a bowl of Shredded Wheat and Bran with skim milk. Sometimes two bowls. I do not measure it. And then before bed, I have a Fiber One protein bar. Oops. Might this explain part of the 5 pound weight gain? Sigh.  

So we are left with the following conclusion: This current eating pattern and my exercise of walking 1-2 miles a day keeps me in my "new normal" range. Period. I know for a fact I am not going to go back to eating those sparse dinners. Forget about that. That may have kept me closer to 165 lbs., but believe me, I was suffering emotionally. I also know that if my history is correct, I will naturally shed some weight come December and throughout the winter months. So if I am on some "plateau," I won't be here forever.

But there is some room here for improvement. Specifically, the night eating of Shredded Wheat and Fiber One Protein bars. Me thinks I am going down a slippery slope...I am going to try to "tighten up" this week and see what happens. I ran water over the Shredded Wheat. Haven't ditched the Fiber One bars yet. Maintenance. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I don't like you today!

With This Ring

Celebrating 12 years!

Well good morning to all! I'm in a wonderful, relaxed mood. Two days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary, and I am filled with such joy and love right now. My beautiful right-hand ring was falling off and he took it to the jewelers and had it re-sized. He also found my "engaged to be engaged" ring and had that repaired and resized. He presented the "new" rings to me during dinner. It was a wonderful surprise!

You know, it's these little things like having your rings not fit because your fingers are slimming down that make the Optifast experience so rewarding. Having my rings adjusted just made my heart soar. At my heaviest, 239 lbs., my right-hand ring no longer fit and was tucked away in a cabinet, and my wedding rings were so tight they wouldn't come off. Frankly, I wasn't really anticipating that I would end up an entire ring size smaller when my full fasting phase concluded. What a delight this is! Not reflected on that darn scale. And more reason for me to encourage those on product to not get wrapped up in the scale number, rather think of inches shed.

I am excited to get back to the clinic tomorrow. I've had conflicts and been unable to get there for several weeks and I count on that clinic weigh-in for accountability -- the registered weight goes in my file, and I really care about that. I'm on the high end of my 167 - 172 lb. range, but I'm coming off of my anniversary weekend eating and I know it's the salt. I keep very steady with my eating routine during the week and only ease up when we have our dinners out. I had two dinners out over the weekend, so that explains things. But I know I'll get things reigned back in due course. I'm a pro at this now!

I need to discuss with Millie this "new normal" I have of 8-10 lbs. over goal. My body just likes being here. My mood is good, I feel like I have energy, I feel content. I'm wondering if there's some science behind this -- even though according to the BMI I'm on the low end of overweight, my body is happy. I can move with ease. My vitals are excellent. Perhaps that 160 lb. goal weight just wasn't sustainable? I'm not sure. We'll go over this.

Now, I want to be careful here and not deter you from reaching your goal weight. That is based on numerous factors, and I went over this with the clinic when we first set 160 lbs. as my goal. The day I hit this number was very, very special for me. I had full fasted, for the most part, for 9 months to get there and when I reached my goal it was wonderful. And when I think about it, reaching goal gave me room to put back on this roughly 10 lb. increase, and still look good and feel great.

Yes, I am so blessed right now. I'm walking a freshly-paved section of the road right now. It will inevitably get bumpy again -- no surprise there -- but for now I'm walking with confidence. Hooray!

Tellin' It Like It Is

Color me happy!

Good evening dear readers. I was thinking about what to write tonight, and wanting to get back to some more "uplifting" posts. It's extremely hard -- actually, impossible -- to be overwhelmingly positive about maintenance all the time. You know well from my posts I've had many, many struggles. And I really want to be honest about them. This is no leisurely walk in the park. Not by a long stretch.

But, I will say without hesitation that I feel more in control of things. Tonight, anyway. By this I mean I know now my weight swings from excess salt in my dinner out once a week (5-7 lbs.); that it will take 5-7 days to get back down; that I am embracing a "new normal" of 8-10 lbs. over my goal weight achieved; that joining my husband and eating the same dinner he does makes me very happy; and that I feel very comfortable eating the same breakfast, lunch and two snacks every day. Now, that may change. And I'm hopeful I'll be open to that. But right now, today, I'm happy with what I'm doing.

The dinners I prepare for my husband and myself are very, very different from what I cooked pre-Optifast. Right now, I am exploring www.eatingwell.com, and I do look for recipes that are high fiber/high protein and lower calorie and reduced sodium. I know menus emphasizing this help me maintain. I encourage you to explore Eating Well and Cuisine Lite. It's critical we prepare our own meals if we want to manage our weight.

What really pleases me is I purchased very few clothing items when I was at my lowest weight -- 157 lbs. Actually, I bought most of my clothing that was a size larger and everything fits perfectly right now. You know I hate wasting money, and I'm so happy it didn't turn out that I did. Actually, I would advise everyone to not plow a significant amount of money into clothing when you reach your goal weight. Maybe a few pieces, but don't get rid of the size larger. Just in case. (I'm pretty convinced it's highly likely your body will just settle into a weight it likes -- and that's probably an increase of 5-10 lbs. from goal. I could be wrong, but several Optifast friends have mentioned this.)

Now, as for those clothes two, three, four sizes larger, get rid of them! Embrace the "New You" you are becoming. I mentioned previously it took me a long, long time to do this, but when I finally let go of those clothes I felt fabulous. I'm not going back to the Women's section. Oh no, that's a promise to myself I intend to keep.

I guess you can "color me happy" tonight. I really feel at peace. I've got a rhythm, a routine going that works for me. I know it's not for everyone. Oh -- I almost forgot to add my exercise routine. I walk at least one mile every day and my husband purchased me a bike rental pass that I can use to rent a bike and cycle around Columbus. It's fun. I'm finding if I like the type of exercise I do, I feel motivated. So Melissa the Couch Potato is gone. She could come back -- Winter turns me into a slug -- but right now no Couch Potato for me!

Will maintenance someday be fun? Well, I don't know. In my case, it requires vigilance and structure. But honestly, I don't mind that as long as I get my dinner out once a week. I guess maintenance is work. And some days I really like going to the office -- but other days I'd pay to be somewhere else. Ah, it's just ultimately a journey. One foot in front of the other, forward I go. Thanks for joining me on this adventure. What a ride it continues to be!

Off Schedule

Feelin' dicey

I am finding that if I deviate from my established eating schedule, things get a little dicey. By this I mean if I don't have the breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, snack routine, I will start grazing at night and find it hard to get the brakes on. This has happened a few times and happened today. I did not have my afternoon snack and that put the ball in motion for some choppy eating for the rest of the night.

I'm drinking my hot tea now and chewing gum, and the grazing has stopped, but I'm feeling a twinge of regret that things momentarily slipped. I've put on a few water-weight pounds from my weekend eating, and I want to get that off. Grazing undermines that. But rather than beat myself up, I know to just put this behind me and move forward with staying out of the kitchen.

I liked Optifast because it taught me how to have an eating schedule. That was something that was definitely lacking in my eating life before I started the program. I starved all day and ate with abandon at night. Lots of people in my clinic ate the same way. We learned that our bodies stored that food as fat because they learned that we would be starving all day and would need some energy to get through the day. And there I was thinking the starving would help me lose weight! Wrong.

I have also had some emotions swirling around in my head lately. Some boredom, some frustration, the desire to "escape" some personal issues. Food had been a go-to for me in the past to get through these emotional things. But I'm working now to reverse that trend. It's a process, as we know all too well.

It's getting chilly outside which means I can start having my hot baths, which I love. In fact, I think I'm going to go upstairs and get a bath going right now. Sleep well all.  

Weekend Warrior?

Not you again!

It's Friday morning, and I'm sitting here trying to draw up a mental plan of how I am going to make it through this weekend, eating wise. The problem is not controlling what I eat for my breakfast, lunch and snacks. Oh no, the problem is what I will eat/how much I will eat tonight and tomorrow night.

Let me set the stage: Tonight is the season opener for my beloved Columbus Blue Jackets hockey team. My husband and I always go out to eat before the game, to the same restaurant, and I know what I can order there that is lower-calorie. So that's fine. But when we get to the arena, oh those damn hot dogs...I love them so much, and I can easily gobble down two. You might remember me talking about the hockey arena hot dogs many months back.

I really have to fight such a strong urge to get one. When I was obese, I would tell my husband I had to go to the bathroom, and go to the hot dog vendor and get myself a frank and gobble it down in about 30 seconds flat so my husband didn't know. I wonder if anyone else has done this? Fighting my hot dog obsession is going to be tough.

The 'ole Surf & Turf

The second thing I am focusing on is the cookout we are having tomorrow night, Saturday, before my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes football team takes on Northwestern. I am bringing filet mignons wrapped in bacon (gift from my boss) and lobster tails. I wanted a "Surf and Turf" cookout. Now, filets are lean cuts, so I can manage to eat half of mine and be okay. But the lobster...who doesn't love succulent lobster meat dipped in drawn butter? Lord help me.

So I've got a weekend filled with sand traps and I'm not sure how everything will play out. I'm trying to keep calm, trying to remember that I don't have to eat everything on my plate. Have I told you maintenance is hard? (wink, wink) I'll fill you in on how everything goes. One step at a time, Melissa. Stay in the "now."  

Breaking Free From Restrictions

Dear readers, I announce some progress! First off, I had my anxiety medicine adjusted on Monday and that brought instant relief. And what followed was my very important decision to start breaking my restrictive, repetitive dinner menus. I can't let go of eating the same breakfast (oatmeal), lunch (2 oz turkey sandwich and 1/2 cup cottage cheese), afternoon snack (small apple and cheese stick) and evening snack (Fiber One, non-fat yogurt, berries and almonds). But I have made up my mind that for dinner, I am going to branch out and try new things, and eat what I cook for my husband.

Now, I am definitely preparing dinners that emphasize high fiber/high protein; low sodium and low calories. I am now exploring cooking websites and ordering magazines (I'm old school) to guide me in locating these types of recipes. A new magazine, Eating Well, caught my eye and I like it because when I go to their website, www.eatingwell.com, I can filter recipes by fiber, protein and low calorie content. I haven't been able to find a site that works like this, so I'm intrigued.

My husband, of course, is my test subject and he is just loving what I prepare. And guess what: He is losing weight! He's grown rather attached to the scale too. But not someone like me who gets anxious around it. Lucky him. My dream has been to sit down and eat the same meal as he does, so we enjoy it together. This has rarely, rarely happened since I hit maintenance and I miss it. But now things are slowly changing and I'm thrilled.

I'm very pleased to report that my bingeing is non-existent now. This is not to say it won't crop up again, but for now I feel satiated and in control. The medicine is probably coming into play here a little bit. But it's not a "crutch," as I really do need it. Right now I feel happy and calm and content. It's wonderful. Took me about 8 months to get to this state, but I'm here now and very, very thankful.

Because of a rescheduled talk therapy appointment, I was not able to make it to the clinic today for my weekly weigh-in. But according to my scale, I was 169 lbs. this morning, right where I need to be in my "new normal" range. Sure, I'd love to be down lower, but as I said, I'm content and my state of mind is good right now. So this is a "happy report" from where I sit tonight. As always, thanks to all who are assisting me through my rocky (as of late) maintenance journey. The road is starting to smooth out. It's about time!

Finding A "New Normal"

As I've mentioned before, I've pretty much got all areas of my life -- work, marriage, family -- under control. The one exception is my weight, well, more specifically, my anxiety about my weight. You know this has plagued me all throughout my maintenance journey, and I've been trying to combat it with medication, exercise, talk therapy, support from Facebook friends -- I'm pretty much pursuing all avenues available to me to get this anxiety stabilized.

If I break this down, I am anxious because my weight now "swings" between 167 lbs. to 172 lbs. This is roughly 10 lbs. over the range I held for the first five months of maintenance. So in essence, 10 stupid pounds is absolutely wrecking my serenity. I restrict what I eat, for the most part, and it doesn't come off. I walk every day, and it doesn't come off. I hydrate every day and it doesn't come off. And I get upset every morning when I get on the scale and it hasn't come off.

Now, I can keep living with this anxiety, keep trying to "medicate" it away, or I can honestly take stock of my situation and say, "Melissa, the buck stops here. Your "new normal" is 167 - 172 lbs. This is where your body wants to be and that is AOK!" I need to not only say this, but believe it, accept it, and find comfort in it.

I do have one Facebook friend who reached goal, put 10 lbs. back on, but successfully maintained that for years. She told me she actually looked better with the extra weight. That gives me a lot of hope, knowing there is someone who put some pounds back on but still successfully maintained. Of course it's in the forefront of my mind -- and most likely your mind too -- that any quasi-significant gain (10+ lbs.) spells disaster. Reaching your goal weight feels so great, is so great, and in my case the desire to stay there is so, so strong. But it could just very well be that my body just doesn't want to be there.

Do I look good? I guess I'd say yes. Do my clothes fit? Yes. Do I feel good, physically? Yes. Are my vitals good? Excellent. Emotionally, I need a lot of work. But am I doing something about it? Yes. What then, is the real problem here? I guess if I analyze it, break it down, it's my perfectionism, vestiges of obsessiveness, fear, "black and white thinking," just a host of things that partially make up who I am. Perhaps some can really relate to this; others not so much. But this is me. The hand I was dealt.

I am going to see if my anxiety lessens this week as I move to embrace my "new normal." I have an inkling it will. This is going to take some time to get comfortable with it, but I've got that. So I guess I'm now on a "journey within a journey." Not something I expected, but I've had my share of maintenance curveballs, so I'm getting much better at reading the pitcher's throw. I'm getting very familiar with the "swing" of things.

As always, onward I go, baby steps all the way. It's the only way to do it!
 

My New Mantra

You know, I really do like Facebook. I was slow to join, but after much prodding and repeated invitations from a college friend living in Boston, I signed myself up -- and I've been pleased ever since. On my "News Feed" I see lots of witty sayings that make me smile. This one about worrying of course hit home. Color me a Worry Wart. Been like this for a long time!

My maintenance journey, as you know, has been fraught with worry, as I put a lot of pressure on myself to "beat the odds" and keep my weight off. That's a pretty big burden to be lugging around, but I'm taking my slow steps -- like expanding my menus -- to ease up on things. I am thrilled to report my weigh-in today was 167 lbs. Sure, it may not hold, but I have not been down to this weight in months. Just 7 pounds away from my old goal now.

I think about all the worry I have gone through to get to this point and it saddens, no, it frustrates me. It's sort of a "knee jerk" reaction I have that kicks in whenever I am having troubles with a challenge or facing unpredictable situations. Sure, I might try to strive for a "worry-free" life, but it appears I'm just "hot wired" for it. It's just a part of me.

Now, the more I feel comfortable about a situation, the more things are certain, the worry diminishes. I'm sure that goes for most worry warts. Big changes give me lots of trouble, and this explains why my maintenance path has been very bumpy. Overhauling my eating, including what I eat and when I eat; incorporating exercise when previously I lived an almost entirely sedentary lifestyle; delving into why I overeat and eat so quickly. This is a lot to do and process. But I'm putting in the time and effort, and I think that's why I've been able to cap my regain at a point where I can rely on dieting to bring it back down. So I'm grateful for that.

No, my worrying won't go completely away. But it is indeed true. It doesn't get you anywhere!