You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

Oh, has this been a wild week. I was wisely counseled not to Optifast again; ignored that advice and started in on a full fast; made it 2 1/2 days then descended into a feeding frenzy; then straightened myself out and I'm back on track with my previous eating routine. I'm tired, I've got this horrible cough, and I just want this rollercoaster to stop.

Time for a deep breath.

Let's take stock of where I am now: 15 lbs. over goal. Engaging in restrictive, same-menu eating for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Easing up at dinnertime, incorporating variety, different menus, but struggling with portion size and eating too quickly. Extreme anxiety with the scale, leading to increase in anxiety medication, which leads to binging and a night-time eating disorder. Yup. That about sums it up.

I am finding it very, very difficult to make any change to this house of cards I am building. Basically folks, I'm frozen in a lot of fear of gaining all the weight back -- and more. This a psychological battle I'm waging right now. I'm going to now begin researching psychological methods to dismantle the fear, and go deeper into this with my talk therapist. It's at this juncture I'll tell you that you need to prepare yourself for the deep psychological changes that occur when you shed a significant amount of weight. In my opinion, this is serious stuff.

I'm also trying to reconcile the great guilt I have for gaining this 15 lbs. back after spending all that money on my program. I've become quite frugal and it pains me to think I may have wasted money. But I can say without a doubt that I am in better physical shape now than I was when I started the program. I just got the results back of a full blood work panel my thyroid doctor ordered and everything is excellent. My cholesterol is down to 190. 190! I know this is from my fiber diet. Physically, I feel great.

No, my battlefield is an emotional one.

Some dismiss emotions, preferring to live in a strictly rational world. I ain't one of those people. I wear everything on my sleeve, I'm probably too open and honest, and I'm deeply compassionate. I was born this way and raised this way. But when you are driven primarily by emotions, you can get into very uncomfortable, painful situations. Like where I am now.

My head is fuzzy today from the cold, so I cannot fully articulate my thoughts right now. But the gist of what I'm thinking is I am not going to run away from my emotions, from this fear of weight gain and guilt about money that I have -- rather I am going to look them in the face and manage them. Heck, dismantle them if I can. Yes, I cannot do this without the assistance of a talk therapist and the support from people who have experience with the Optifast program. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. But that's okay. Helping hands are out there. And I'm grasping them.

I have to go back to work today and I'm not too thrilled about that. But the structure is good for me. Perhaps this holds true for the eating structure I have, even though it is far too restrictive and needs tinkering. It all comes back to patience and time. And playing the hand I've been dealt. I can always just walk away from the card table --but no, today I still want to play. Onward, friends. The game of "Life" continues.