On Anxiety And Obsession

For those who have been following me along throughout this whole journey, you will most likely remember the repeated vows I made while I was Optifasting that I would not become obsessed with the scale. There are many reasons why I said that -- the key one being I find it a colossal waste of time. It can also, for some people, wreck your serenity and life is just too short for that. Yet ever since I hit maintenance, my obsession with that dreaded contraption (and my weight) has grown and grown. And I've been lamenting this for a long, long time.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he shed some light on this matter. As you know, I have anxiety disorder and take medication for it. And I asked him today: Does obsessiveness cause the anxiety or does anxiety cause the obsessiveness? And he said it was the latter. My anxiety, if left unchecked and not, in my case, medicated properly will spark the obsessive thinking -- and my current "target" is the scale.

We've had to increase my anxiety medication several times since I began maintaining. Do I like this? Heck no. Sometimes I feel like the medication is a "crutch." Other times I think I should be able to "do it all" and "pull myself up by the bootstraps." On rare occasions, I feel like a freak. Stigma against mental disorders is alive and well in the United States, despite noble efforts to eradicate it.

But at least I got some insight today, some explanation why I am struggling so much with the scale and my swings in weight. I know many, many people who have absolutely no problem with the scale, and I have felt so dejected and downtrodden that it poses a huge problem for me. I see so clearly why I avoided weighing at all pre-Optifast. I think I intuitively knew scales were not a good thing for me, could upset me, posed a "danger" for me.

However -- let us step back and go over some things about weight management. Studies show that we stand the best shot at maintaining our weight by, among other things,  a.) watching/tracking calories; b.) exercise; c.) weighing regularly; and d.) addressing emotional triggers. Weighing regularly is right up there. Knowing I am going to the clinic on Wednesdays to get weighed keeps me on track and staying compliant with a healthy eating routine. No question about it. If I want to keep this weight off, I have to weigh myself. I have to face the scale and see the result -- and process the emotions that result from that.

My hope, my dream is that the anxiety medication in conjunction with time and weighing experience will knock out the obsessiveness and get me to a more relaxed state. I have to be patient here, and I know from my Optifasting experience I can dig deep and find that. I'm strong when it's required. I guess that's an asset.

To all those contending with a situation similar to my own, please know you are not alone, you are not a "freak," and we will get through this. With time comes wisdom. And our true strength lies there.