An Eye-Opening Discussion

It's not my fault!

Greetings readers. I have had very little sleep again, this time the result of a chest cold that has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I can't stop coughing and my husband had to ask me to leave the bedroom because he couldn't sleep...so here I am again, in the early morning hours, blogging away. This is now two nights in a row that I have had very little sleep, and that's not good for me. So I am taking the day off from work to try and rest.

I had a meeting yesterday with Millie and Kathy at the clinic and it was a very eye-opening discussion. They have reviewed my chart and Millie has done some research and she has ascertained there is a link between my particular anti-anxiety med and binging behavior. You may recall that my anti-anxiety medicine was greatly increased this summer, and lo and behold the strange binging cropped up (I have never done this before), and really letting loose on two dinners out a week. So we can see that yes, I have gained 15 lbs. But folks, it is not my fault. This was inevitable.

Now, at this juncture, in comes the frustration -- heck, the anger -- that I have to take this medication in the first place. Having to swallow pills even though you know they make you gain weight is very, very upsetting -- and those in this situation will know exactly what I mean. I can explore the option of switching to another brand of anti-anxiety medicine and I see my doctor tomorrow and we can discuss it. But now I feel like a guinea pig and that makes me mad.

And then there is this issue of the 15 lb. weight gain, and my very strong desire to get that off and maybe 5-10 lbs. more. Yes, I can continue to follow my fiber-based diet and really target getting my calories down to 1,200/day. This type of diet really works for me, because I am a grazer and I absolutely adore carbs. The fiber diet keeps my stomach fuller, longer, and keeps that grazing at bay. I focus on things like bran, bulgur, legumes, certain vegetables and fruits, Fiber One cereal, etc. I really do like it.

But then there is the lure of Optifast, the removal of food so I can concentrate on other things. And I had very low anxiety until the last two months of my fasting, when my in-laws came to town, it was the Christmas holiday season, and my anxiety was further stoked by transition and the unknowns associated with that looming in the near future. I shudder to think of that time. It was horrible.

So I would say I learned quite a bit yesterday. I was so deeply touched when Kathy told me I was one of few people who have tackled the totality of everything required to lose weight on Optifast and maintain. It was wonderful to hear that, because I have worked so very hard to get at this maintenance from all three areas: calorie control, exercise, and strengthening emotional coping skills. It's been quite a lot of work and I've invested a lot into this physically, emotionally and spiritually. This has been a tough journey.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'll end here. I'm going to tip toe back upstairs and see if I can sleep quietly. I've had some cough drops and some cough suppressant. That should help things. Stay tuned for further developments...the battle continues!