The Mental "Flip Flop"

Well, let's see. How do I describe how I'm feeling right now? Conflicted might be a good word. One minute I'm hell-bent on carving off the 8 -12 lb. swing in weight gain I've put on since concluding Optifasting. The next day I wonder if I'm just happiest hanging out where I am. It's a mental "flip flop" that can drive a person crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it is just inevitable that when you reach goal, even if you watch what you eat very, very closely -- and exercise every day -- there's just going to be some weight gain that doesn't go away. But then other days, I question whether this is really true, or simply an excuse to slip slide yourself away to gaining all your weight back.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should have just mustered more strength to get down 150 lbs., which probably would mean another 5-6 weeks on product. But then I remember how my body just "told me" it was time to stop, and my anxiety was running pretty high too. No, 9 1/2 months Optifasting was enough. I had to move on, had to resume eating "real" food, and I was, frankly, ready to begin the challenge of maintenance. I made it to goal. Onward to the next phase.

I believe I've mentioned this before, but here's the upshot: If I follow a tightly monitored eating regime, keep my calories around 1,200 - 1,300 a day; walk 1-2 miles a day; and have the 1-2 binges that seem to always result from this, I can slowly lose weight and very likely get back down to 165 lbs. If I watch what I eat very closely, taking in 1,350 calories 5 days a week; take in 1,600-1,800 calories 2 days a week; walk 1-2 miles a day; and as a result have few if any binges, I stay on average 10 lbs. over goal.

Now, anything that knocks out those binges is on its face a good thing. Anyone who had/have bingeing episodes knows what I am talking about. But the trade-off, well, it's those extra pounds which for me exacerbate the fear I have of gaining my weight back. I also remember how I looked in my new clothes at 160 lbs., how nice (at times) it was seeing that scale registering 160 lbs., how "solid" I felt that I would be in that "elite" group who Optifasted and kept all their weight off. Those things felt good.

But -- and this is a big but -- there are definitely times when I stop and say to myself, "You know, I'm happy being 10 lbs. over goal; I like my days where I "allow" myself to take in more calories; I'm not in the "elite" group, but who cares?? I'm me, and this is where I belong!" Again, my thinking changes day by day, week by week. Yes, it's frustrating.

I will say without any ounce of doubt that my weekly weigh-ins at the CONCI clinic keep me very, very focused on at least capping my weight gain where it is, and it motivates me to shed some pounds. Because I weigh there in the afternoon, my result will be 2 lbs. over my morning weigh-in (which I now use to report my weight here). But this will always be my "official" weight, the one written down and charted, and I take it very, very seriously. For example, I had three dinners this week that fit into that 1,600 - 1,800 calorie range, and I took in extra salt. And I weighed in at 174 lbs. today -- out of my "new normal" range of 168 - 172 lbs. That's 176 lbs. on the clinic scale. And that, folks, I definitely do not like.  

Well, as we all know by now, this is a journey, and I continue to bumble along on my road. Actually, at this moment, I do think I'm doing a pretty good job. Going to the clinic helps; interacting with Optifasters on Facebook helps; reading helps; blogging helps; my husband helps. I've got the bases covered. I don't think I'll ever have maintenance mastered and that's AOK. Practice, imperfect progress, One Day at a Time. That works best for me. Always!