Untangling The Scale Anxiety

Finding freedom

I am very proud of myself. I have gone two days without weighing. This is a huge accomplishment for me, because as you know by now, that damn scale is now one of the biggest triggers for anxiety for me. How long I have wished I could be like others and have no problem with daily weigh-ins; how much I feel like a freak that a number upsets me so much. I have tried and tried to bust through my fears and tension -- trying to be "strong" like "normal" people and just get on the scale every morning. But it just won't work for me. And I'm tired of it all.

What's so interesting is on these days I don't weigh, I really start to feel relaxed and feel better about myself. A number no longer dictates how my day will unfold. I feel peace descend upon me. It's a wonderful feeling. But of course, it is dampened by a nagging fear that my eating will go out the window. That I'll lose "control." I can't trust myself, I reason, because look what happened to me when I wasn't weighing every day: I ballooned up to 239 lbs. And surely, if I don't weigh daily, won't that happen again?

My anxiety tied to the scale is a monster, I have found. Weigh daily, and I get anxious. Don't weigh daily, and I still end up anxious. Take my anti-anxiety medication to combat this, and I end up binging or contending with some other form of disordered eating. Which impacts the scale. It's actually quite a grim picture. And my task here is to try and untangle myself from this tar pit. Oh Lord, give me strength.

My gut is telling me that a scale is not a good thing for me. It was roughly a year ago, December 2012, when I was getting close to goal, that I brought my first scale into the house. I had rushed out and bought it because my in-laws were in town and all these dinners were planned, and I had been full fasting successfully for months, but found myself seriously tested. Begrudgingly, I began to partake in some of these meals because I felt like a freak. And they didn't really understand what Optifasting was all about.

I can see so clearly now that weighing once a week at the clinic -- and seeing my weight go down -- posed no anxiety for me. But once I bought that damn scale and switched to weighing every day, and saw the weight fluctuations glaring up at me, my anxiety shot through the roof. It only got worse during maintenance, when my weight stopped dropping, stabilized, but slowly started increasing. Fast-forward to today where I'm lugging around 15 lbs. of extra weight. It's no wonder I'm a wreck.

So, where do I go from here?

I remember my thyroid doctor told me that when it comes to weight, throw out your scale, buy a belt, and when it gets too tight, go on a diet. I chuckle at that, but perhaps for me this may seriously be a good option. Oh, I'm going to get this 15 lb. regain off. There is no question about that. I invested too much money and time Optifasting to get my 80 lbs. off. But who's to say this cannot be done without the "benefit" of the scale? I'm positive others have done this before. People like me who have such a problem with that dreaded contraption.

You know, it takes a lot of strength to say "no" to something you are obsessed with, but know harms you. I'm going to have to dig deep inside on this one...muster up some true strength and focus. Fortunately I have my husband and family and talk therapist and everyone at the clinic and my Facebook friends. I don't have to do this alone. I want to, I need to be free from the scale. Just as I needed to be at a healthy weight, free from obesity. And I'm going to make it happen. Rest assured.    

I have been free from the scale for two days. I may not make it another day. But this is a start. And I'm happy.