Untangling Myself From The Scale

(Warning: A Quasi-Vent)

I think I finally "snapped" last night when, after a lovely day of tennis and shopping and reading, I stepped on the scale before bed and saw it had shot up to 166 lbs. Yes, yes, you always weigh more at night, yes, I've been constipated, yes, I am drinking a lot of water, yes, increases in your thyroid med can cause weight gain, yes, my clothes fit just fine. But seeing that number glaring up at me, well, my heart just sank and suddenly the memories of a lovely day disappeared, and in came the dejection and anxiety and fear. I didn't binge. I've been following my normal eating plan as usual. We have stopped going out. I am exercising every day now. I'm doing everything I am supposed to do and I can't get back to that stupid 157 lbs. I'm swinging all over the place.

I...can't...get...certainty. And I'm mad as hell.

I had a fleeting thought of throwing everything out the window and just start eating with abandon. But then I stepped back and realized that would only hurt me, further damage my fragile self-esteem, and set me on a path of undoing everything I worked so hard to achieve. No, turning to fattening food is not the answer. Taking the power away from that scale is.

It's very, very well known that one of the key things for success in maintenance is weighing yourself regularly. At least once a week. And oh, do I weigh. In the morning, before my shower, and at night, right before I go to bed. Religiously. Then there is the weekly weigh-in at my clinic on Wednesdays. The scale dominates my thoughts, just as my eating does. And is this surprising? Heck no, I say. I lost 80 lbs. A lot of weight. And I don't want it back.

The scale keeps me aware of where I stand, and if adjustment/crisis intervention needs to be done. I'll never be completely free of it. But sometimes I hate it. I hate how it can ruin my mood, plunge me into anxiety, make me question everything I ate for the day -- and will eat in the future. I can see so clearly now why people eventually just stop weighing altogether. It can bring (temporary) relief from worry, anxiety, tension, self-criticism, just a host of things that crop up when the dreaded "number" is not where you want it to be. I've been tight as a drum all day -- it's Sunday, I should be relaxing, but instead here I am freaking out that I'm 5+ lbs. out of my "comfort" zone. It's ridiculous. It's maddening. Something must be done.

I have decided that I am going to fight like hell not to weigh tonight. I'm going to drop back to weighing in the morning only. This is a huge step for me, but that scale is upsetting me so much -- too much -- and I've got to get some serenity back in my life. At least right now. Throwing out the scale is not an option. That would upset me even more. But I think I've got the strength to just get on it in the morning.

My dream is to get to the point where I weigh once a week. That's a long way off, but it's something I've got as a goal. It's baby steps here. Scale obsessions are very hard to break. But I'm going to start chiseling away at it. As best I can.

I Got A New Attitude

Yawn. My eyes popped open at 3:00 a.m. this morning, so I came downstairs, let the dogs out, brewed some coffee and here I am. Millie got back to me after I emailed her about the binge, reminded me this is just a "war," so now I'm polishing and loading my musket and getting ready to go back into battle. You win some skirmishes, you lose some, some are a draw. She also asked if I felt "confined" and the answer is, Yes I do! I want to be out hiking around the redwoods and out in the canyons -- I'm chomping at the bit to get out to California. Patience, Melissa. It is coming up in three weeks. The countdown has begun.

I think it was my Facebook friend Connie who shared this inspirational message on her Facebook news feed. I copied the image because I really like it, and it sums things up for me right now. My muscles are sore, but I'm working/developing them (finally!). I don't sleep well most nights, but I manage to always catch up on my rest over the weekend. Money isn't everything, and I do have everything I need -- roof over my head, loving husband, wonderful family, loads of friends. And most importantly, (and I need to keep reminding myself of this), I am not perfect, that's AOK, and I am now living a healthy life.

I knew maintenance was going to be challenging. I was talking about it all the way through my Optifasting. It was always front and center in my mind. And yes, now that I am at goal, I spend a great deal of time thinking about it every day. So much time, actually, that I can overlook all the wonderful things going on in my life right now. But I'm not going to beat myself up, and I'm going to stop labeling myself a "freak." I'm doing the best I can. My goal today is to really notice all the beauty around me -- in my garden, my gorgeous Basset Hounds (and husband), my lovely, historic neighborhood, and maybe, just maybe, I'll look in the mirror and see someone quite lovely and smiling broadly back at me. There is beauty everywhere. And I need to enjoy it.

I purchased some adorable work out clothes yesterday that actually fit me. I've been wearing my husband's sweat shorts and t-shirts because I gave away all of my shorts and t-shirts as I shrunk in size. Finally I have things that will fit properly when I have my workouts! I'm also planning on going to the thrift store and Walmart today to find more workout items and I need some jeans for the trip out West. So it's going to be a busy day, but a fun one.

All I need is a slight "attitude adjustment" -- to look at things in a positive way, to acknowledge all the wonderful things happening in my life -- and I'll be just fine. I can put this back into place. Step by step, I'm moving forward. And folks, today I feel good.


 

Another Binge

It has happened again, dear readers. I went to Target after work to get some work out clothes. And then there I was, steering my cart over to the food section, and grabbing a jar of peanut butter -- knowing I would attack it when I got home. Perhaps I got it because I was tired. Starving. Or maybe because I had a small fight with my husband in the morning, and I was still a little peeved. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm so tired of being restrictive and that damn scale. Whatever the reason, I ate 1/2 of the jar before I threw it out.

And I now feel physically sick and emotionally cruddy.

I'm frustrated because I never knew what a binge even was before Optifasting. After 3-4 binge episodes in maintenance, I am beginning to understand it better: extreme restriction, in my case, kind of sets me up for something like this to happen. I read about this in one of my books on emotional eating. I hate these binge episodes and I am wondering if I need to go to some kind of therapist specializing in this. Best to nip it in the bud early, don't you think? Perhaps I'm over-reacting. It's just I get so upset when these binges happen and I want the behavior to stop.

I took two Tums and I'm drinking lots of water. My stomach is bloated so I don't think I can get my Fiber One in tonight. I actually just want to go lie down. I really don't feel well. Well, tomorrow is a new day. The peanut butter is gone and it's back to my routine. Time to put this binge behind me, and move forward in a healthy way.

Just Doin' It

An early good morning! I'm in good spirits, despite the pain I feel from yesterday's workout. Boy, my instructor packed a lot in my classes, which included Step/Kick Boxing, followed by a Toning and Conditioning session where you work your muscles without weights, rather using your own body for resistance. I kept up as best I could, sweating all the way, and as promised, I felt so good later in the evening.

Honestly folks, I never believed I could do something like this, but here I am. In my case, I had to get my weight off before I could tackle something intense like this -- and I do sometimes feel like I wasn't an "exemplary" Optifast patient because of this. But I guess the important thing is I'm doin' it now, in maintenance, where the real work for us lies. We all know without some form of exercise there is a very strong likelihood the weight will come back. So I'm embracing it as best I can, and making progress day by day.

As I've said before, don't be hard on yourself if you're struggling with a solid exercise routine while full fasting. You know I did. Of course, try as best you can to get something going. I did walk every day, some days quite a long distance. But as far as workout classes and strength training, I struggled. If you're like me, do not give up hope. The pieces will fall into place in time. I promise. If you can commit to maintenance just like you committed to the Optifast products, you will treasure your body and want to take good care of it. And exercise will become part of your routine. It can be fun -- I'm making lots of new friends in class and the instructor is wonderful. And I do feel better. My anxiety is completely under control.

My weight is slowly going back down to where I am comfortable. As Millie has told me, it takes 5-7 days for me to shed the water weight that comes from any high-sodium meal I eat -- like the BBQ I had last Saturday. This is ultimately teaching me patience, but at the same time I am really becoming "in tune" with my body. Now, an interesting thing is yesterday morning, I weighed in at 161 lbs., and now I'm up to 163 lbs. I think this has something to do with my workout and my muscles -- I've sent an email to Millie to find out.

I'm working very hard to step away from the "numbers" on the scale and to not jump into panic when I hang out 5-7 lbs. from my "comfort" weight. I know that the increase in the thyroid med, coupled with the summertime, automatically added a few pounds. Who knows -- maybe my exercise classes will help me get back down to 157 lbs., where I feel most comfortable. But I'm going to work very, very hard to not obsess; to have confidence in my wise eating choices; and to remember that I cannot do maintenance perfectly, but I'm doing a heck of a good job so far. Mid-July marks six months in maintenance for me. Yes, I'd say I'm doing pretty darn well!

It's Friday today, and the weekend is almost upon us. I will be doing some gardening with my husband and a good dose of housecleaning -- things have "slipped" a little bit around here lately! Plus we'll be playing tennis all weekend. We have cut out our one restaurant meal a week, as we prepare for the California trip next month. Part of this is to save money, but the other part is to watch our weight. I'll be cooking some iDiet rolls and bread on Sunday, and making healthy salad "concoctions" we eat during the week. These are mixed-grain salads with chopped veggies. I have them alongside a piece of fish or chicken. Pretty simple, but it works for me right now.

TGIF all and have a great weekend!

A "New Normal"?

Good evening all and apologies for my absence. It's taken me a few days to get settled down and I report that I am feeling much, much better physically. I also started a Step/Zumba class today! This is my very first time taking one of these classes, and I sort of fumbled around but I sweated up a storm and actually had fun. I met some nice women too. Class is held at the Rec Center Tuesday and Thursday, and I will be going right up until we depart for California. In addition, I purchased tennis rackets over the weekend and my husband and I plan on playing tennis 3-4 times a week. So my new exercise routine is now in place. Hooray!

On my weight...well...hmm. It's up. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and did not watch my portion size. I went into the day weighing 159 lbs. and when I stepped on the scale Sunday, it registered 165 lbs. And it has stayed here ever since. Yes, it's the water retention from the extra sodium. But you know me -- of course I'm convinced the weight gain will be permanent, it will never come off, and I'm destined to gain everything back.

But I have decided I am going to fight back against these fears. I know my pattern now. This is not something new. I also know that the increase in my thyroid medication recently added a few pounds, and despite my efforts (pre-Step/Zumba/tennis), those pounds refuse to come off. Also, since we determined last week my sodium level was trending towards the low side, I have upped my sodium intake slightly, so there's probably more water weight from that. Which begs the question: Is 165 lbs. my "new normal"?

I guess I won't know for sure for a little while. And I'm not going to let that drive me crazy. I am just going to continue on with my healthy eating routine -- one well-established -- keep exercising, and see what happens. I am getting better with this maintenance "thing" as each day passes. And Millie continues to help me along the way. I'm content tonight. And it feels good. I'll be at the clinic tomorrow and I'll let you know how it goes. Sleep well all!

 

A Letter To Me

I had more anxiety this afternoon -- over a personal situation -- and my stomach started tightening and my neck and shoulders got very tense. I have instructions now from my psychiatrist to have another Ativan when this happens, so I did that. When relief finally came, I went for a walk with my husband in the park. Out came all my words about my fears and stressors this past week. And then my self-criticisms followed. Those are always lurking under the surface. And dear hubby told me to let all of these worries go, to do deep breathing, and he agreed that I need a massage and should go as soon as I can.

He was quick to add how proud he was of me; how incredible my Optifast compliance was; what an accomplishment reaching goal is; how I am struggling in maintenance emotionally, but making it through...and to top it all off, I am laying out my story for everyone to see, in the hopes that I might be able to help others on this same journey. I am doing the best I can, and there is nothing more I should be doing. This is my path to follow.

Tonight I want to write something to myself. A letter. It would go like this:

Melissa, I am so proud of you. You have achieved something that many cannot, for whatever reason. You worked hard for it, you sacrificed, you hung in there through countless disappointments. You faced incredible anxiety sometimes, but worked your way through it. You have made many new friends, cheered them on, supported them through difficult times. You are a good person, a caring person, a kind person.

You do not have to be perfect, Melissa. Most days, you make wise eating choices. On other days, you have relaxed things a bit. This is not something to feel guilty about. This is life. You are in a new world, embracing a new lifestyle, and it takes time to adjust to this. Give yourself the leeway to make mistakes. Your world will not fall apart and you will not plow your weight back on at breakneck speed.

Melissa, you are intelligent and gifted in so many ways. Embrace that. Believe in yourself and your capabilities. Others do. Why not you? You are loved. I love you.

Tonight I wrap my arms around "me" and give myself a big hug. I've needed to do this for a long, long time. Let's get that "sparkle" back in my eyes, that spring in my step, that smile on my face. We can do it: Me, myself and I.

Problem Solved!

The "Team" Approach

A very early "Good Morning" to all. It is with great relief that I tell you we have identified why my health has been so poor for the past week. I owe a great deal of thanks to Millie at the clinic, my thyroid doctor, and my psychologist Phil for piecing things together into a picture that makes sense. Millie's analysis summed it up best. In her words:

I suspect that you had a convergence of 3 things:

1.       an upsurge of the levothyroxine (my thyroid med) after three days of tissue-loading higher dosage

2.       a drop in Ativan (my anti-anxiety med) after two days of quadrupled fiber doses in the evening

3.       a borderline sodium level after 3 days of camping/hiking in the heat.

I had a long session with my psychologist Phil yesterday. This was before I saw Millie's email. I described all the tests I had done, and how upset I was, and how everything started last week with a racing heartbeat Wednesday and Thursday night. He then focused on the emotional events that occurred during this time, and we effectively concluded I was having panic attacks in response to some family matters. There are other physical reactions associated with panic attacks and high stress, some similar to an imbalance in electrolytes. And I exhibited these.

As Millie points out, because I wanted to lose some more weight and significantly increased my fiber last Wednesday and Thursday, my Ativan, which I took 30 minutes earlier, did not upload properly. This made me wired/vulnerable towards anxiety. Which lead to the panic attacks. I got relief over the weekend because I did not have my Fiber One at night and I was able to get away from the stressful situation. But when I returned home, the anxiety spiked again, as Millie says, my sodium level was off, and everything just spiraled out from there.

From this point forward, I am to space my fiber intake 1 1/2 - 2 hours after I take my Ativan. My thyroid doctor also wants me to hold off on ingesting lots of fiber for 1 1/2 - 2 hours after taking my levothyroxine. Otherwise, I am free to continue with my fiber-emphasized diet, which really works so well for me. My hunger is curbed, I like the food, my carb cravings are satisfied. I just need to watch the timing of my fiber ingestion, given my medications.

When I feel weak from borderline low sodium, Millie says reach for a pickle -- or a banana pepper! So I guess it's back to the Claussen's pickle spears every now and again. I'm going to pick up a jar to take to work, and also have one at home.

So I've got relief this morning. It's been a rough week, physically and emotionally, but now that the problems have been identified and are being addressed, I look forward to feeling better soon. Now it's back up to bed for me. I need to squeeze in a few more hours of slumbering before I head into the office. TGIF everyone. Have a great weekend!

On Fear Of Weight Gain

I saw a dear friend at the clinic yesterday, who has been following my blog and is very concerned about my recent health problems. She said the "spark" wasn't in my eyes, and I agreed. I told her that I think something is wrong with my diet, how restrictive I am, and that this is all driven by my very real fear of gaining my weight back. We are all pretty familiar with the odds that we will gain our weight back. This holds true for many, many people in weight loss programs unless you remain diligent and focused. Track what you eat, exercise regularly, and change your emotional behavior. This can be quite challenging when you have spent years and years making unhealthy eating choices. A "pattern" gets set, in my case, my marriage revolved around eating highly-caloric gourmet food, and stepping away from all this and embarking on a new routine is scary and sometimes very difficult.

If you've read all of my blog, you know I have gone from never weighing myself; to weighing only once a week at the clinic; to now weighing once, sometimes twice a day. I swore that "numbers" would not define who I am. That still holds true, but I find now that I've got fear intermingling with the scale. It comes and goes -- I am getting better as each day passes. But it's real and I often wonder if others who have reached goal contend with this as well.

You know I had a long journey on product, that my weekly losses were low, that my insurance did not cover anything, so I spent a ton of money on the program. This was/is a full-tilt investment in me, and I want to show that it was worthwhile and yielded a very high return. I don't throw money out the window -- having to go out of pocket was one of the biggest things that kept me compliant. I'm frugal now, my husband has taught me well. I just can't swallow, just refuse to accept wasting that money because I made the decision to not embrace the lifestyle changes required for weight maintenance. I'm tough, I'm committed. I have the capacity to change. I must change. My health depends upon it.

I think the core issue that needs to be addressed is how restrictive my eating is now. How I, deep down, don't like those food trackers, and if I just eat the same thing every day, I know my calories and don't have to mess with the trackers. But what's happened is I'm probably not eating enough every day, because there is little variety, and my weight seems consistent, so I think it's adequate. I am not posting many recipes yet because frankly, I'm not eating anything interesting -- it's simple, unsophisticated, repetitive...and in my mind, safe.

I know I need to just lay out my eating, in detail, to Millie and others. Open myself up to suggestions and guidance. But I am very sensitive about this, very guarded because I get comfort now from my rigidity. I have been talking with my Mother, who is more rigid than I am, and she wants me, is begging me to loosen up. But like me, she lost a significant amount of weight, and knows the inevitable, unavoidable emotional impact of this. It's serious -- sometimes overwhelming. It makes me very, very fearful.

I am sharing all of this today in the hopes that I can "pave the way" for you when you approach goal and maintenance. I want you prepared for the possibility -- and it could be remote for you -- that you will encounter this fear of weight gain as well. We'll get through this, together, but it's going to take some work (hasn't everything along our journey?). I'll try to be as open and honest about it as I can. It actually helps me to write about it. We can and will get through this. I promise.

Update And More Info About Salt

I went to the clinic this afternoon and got a script for my blood draw. Many things are to be checked, including the full panel, lipids, etc. Instead of my session with Millie, I drove to a nearby lab to have the draw. (My insurance will pay if I go directly to the lab, versus having the blood draw at the clinic. Yes, this is screwed up!) The results will be faxed to my clinic tomorrow morning, so we should have a better idea of what I need to do to address my problems of lethargy, disorientation, trembling, and sometimes a loss of appetite. I'm having the clinic also forward the results to my thyroid doctor, so everyone is in the "loop."

I had my weigh-in (161 lbs., which I anticipated because I weighed in at 159 lbs. in the morning) and I stayed for class, which was focused on reducing your sodium intake every day. I was very attentive, as I am wondering if my sodium intake is too low, versus too high, and I wanted to know what the daily recommended amount is. Many, many people are taking in way too much sodium every day, and that can be quite detrimental to your health. This is a serious problem that we need to address. Here's some of the more important things I learned:

• The recommended sodium intake for healthy individuals is less than 2,300 mg/day. Those diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, chronic kidney disease, or are over age 51 or are African American should not exceed 1,500 mg/day.
  
• Most Americans consume an average sodium intake of 4,000 - 7,000 mg/day.
  
• Nearly 75% of the sodium in our diets comes from processed foods. Successfully reducing our sodium intake requires, for some, a radical reduction in eating out and in processed food consumption. 

General guidelines to follow include: Removing salt shakers from your table; preparing food yourself; reading labels carefully; reducing the number of times you eat out; ordering carefully when dining out; and beware of "hidden" sources of sodium i.e. some salad dressings, marinades, cereals and breads.

Warning! Check sodium!

TOP SODIUM OFFENDERS
1. Canned soup
2. Frozen entrees
3. Lunch meat (low-sodium varieties are acceptable)
4. Soy sauce
5. Canned/jar tomato products
6. Rice and pasta mixes (i.e. Rice-a-Roni; Kraft macaroni and cheese)
7. Fast food (Told you so!)

So when it comes to our cooking, and utilizing lots of salt is no longer an option, where do we go from here? Millie has a few wonderful recommendations (that I personally follow): Increase flavor with dry or fresh herbs, spices, vegetables, garlic, onion, hot sauce, and extracts. Also try sodium-free seasoning mixes. Like Mrs. Dash. Be creative and have fun! Our food doesn't have to be tasteless. We have options.

Sodium has indeed been the "topic du jour" for me lately. It's important. We need to always remember this.

The Plot Thickens

A friend, not an enemy?

Got my thyroid tests yesterday and guess what: my levels are completely normal. Quite good, actually! This is of course is a good thing, and I'm relieved, but it prompts the question: what in the heck has been going on with Melissa?  I'm in constant communication with Millie and I will see her at the clinic this afternoon. We are going to do a blood draw and have a full panel done. She has mentioned my electrolytes could be off balance, and actually a colleague at work brought this up too. I went into the office yesterday looking like death, with severe trembling, and she gave me an Ensure and had me salt my turkey sandwich and cottage cheese (which is a nonfat/no salt variety). I got color back in my face and started feeling better. So I added some salt to my dinner and I was able to go walking with my husband last night.

Low sodium in my system might be the true problem. The situation may be exacerbated by some medication I take. You may recall I had some real issues with low sodium when I was about 3/4 of the way through my Optifasting. Like this time, I rushed to my thyroid doctor when I wasn't feeling well; had the thyroid levels checked; and they were just fine. Then I added a pickle spear each day along with my products and everything stabilized. So we will look into this as a possibility. I can just tell you that this morning, I feel better. I had some Fiber One last night (1/4 cup) and my system handled it just fine. I think I'll be on the mend soon.

Now, I am very excited to tell you I went to my nearby Rec Center and found someone to help me with the weight machines and also learned there was a Step/Zumba/Conditioning class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I signed right up. Combining the class with the weights is exactly what I need to start the process of building my muscles back up. I know I won't be in top shape when we leave for California next month, but at least I will have made some progress. I've got some structure for my exercise now and I'm so happy about that.

It took me a long, long time to get to this point, so I want those who are struggling with getting a good exercise routine in place to know that you can get to where I am. Many factors had to come together, many pieces had to fall into place for this to transpire for me. First, I needed Kathy, my clinic Director, to constantly reinforce, over and over again, how important exercise is for weight loss and maintenance. Second, I watched clinic friends and Facebook friends commit strongly to their exercise routines and that motivated me quite a bit. Third, I am so hell-bent on keeping this weight off, and I know without an exercise program, this isn't going to be possible. And lastly, I have a huge incentive coming up -- the California hiking trip -- and that is really giving a boost for me.

Come to think of it, all of our vacations involve physical exercise in some form or another. This might be something you should pursue, if you don't already. Just a thought. Okay, It's time for me to get ready for work. I'll update you on my meeting with Millie this afternoon. Take care and have a great day!

The Camper Isn't Happy

Hello Dear Readers and apologies for my absence these past days. Yes, I was away with my husband for the weekend on our camping/hiking trip but more importantly, I have not been well at all. All I can say is my thyroid medication was upped after a boderline/low T-3 and T-4 thyroid level blood test came back earlier this month. Ever since I have been taking my new pill, my weight has been creeping up (remember how I couldn't budge off of 159 lbs.?) and I started getting a racing heart last week. Now I am exhausted with no appetite. I am making myself eat. I had my blood drawn today and we will know the results tomorrow. All I can do now is wait.

Of course this is the time where you start getting on the Internet, and Googling all of these different articles that talk about what must be wrong with you; what caused all this; what you need to do; etc. etc. I've learned from experience that in my case, I just need to relax and put things in my doctor's hands -- he's one of the best thyroid specialists in my city. Without the blood work results, there is nothing to do, except rest and eat a balanced diet, whether I am hungry or not. I took today off from work, I'll talk to my thyroid doctor tomorrow about the test results, and I am seeing Millie on Wednesday for a special session. I'm going to just take each day as it comes.

On the camping trip, I was able to rally for a very long, 5 hour hike -- I'm very proud of myself, because there were inclines and declines on the trail and this is a heck of a long distance for me. Only downside is my calves are killing me -- I'm hobbling around the house because it is painful to walk! I really need a vigorous massage and I am going to make an appointment this week. I'm a little nervous about the impact on my body all the hiking we do out in California next month will have. My muscles could be in much better shape, so I need to step up my game and get the weight lifting in high gear. I've got roughly a month to do this. It can be accomplished -- I've done it before -- but it takes commitment and work. And I'm not feeling well. But I'm going to try.

So that's the upshot of where I am now. Not a "happy camper." But tomorrow is a new day. Let's hope it's a better one for me.

The Power Of Positive Thinking

I had a wonderful session with Millie yesterday. We talked about my "anticipatory anxiety" with the upcoming California trip; my concerns about my current weight (160 lbs. morning weigh-in); and how much progress I have made in the past six months. You know, I forget sometimes how anxious I was six months ago -- all the pressure around Christmastime, and then in January, when I transitioned off the products. I have indeed come a long, long way. We also agreed that going down to 150 lbs. was really not a good idea. I'm fine where I am. I look great where I am. And I love my curves (and so does my husband!).

I don't think I give myself enough credit for how strong I have been in maintenance. To hold my weight consistently between 157 - 160 lbs. for five months is a heck of an accomplishment. To tackle my scale fear each and every day with my weigh-in is incredible and commendable. To be out there walking two miles every day is nothing short of a miracle. I'm doing this "maintenance" thing, and I'm doing it well!

I'm going to be ready for the California trip when we depart in July. I'll have more experience under my belt, I'll be prepared with some food I bring along with me (Snack Attack packs, Fiber One bars, cheese sticks, etc.) and my travel scale. Structure is in place. I'm strong and committed to my diet and my body. Optifast was a major investment in "me" and it has really paid off. So it's time to start living life in a healthy, new way.

I do want to get my weight down a few pounds, so we are going to up my daily fiber intake to 40 grams a day. This will be accomplished with additional Fiber One folded into my diet, having a high fiber (9 grams), low calorie wrap for lunch (instead of pita bread), and I'm going to utilize more high fiber legumes at dinner. Salt will be restricted and I am going to keep my calories around 1,400/day. This type of diet really works well for me -- I like how everything tastes, and because I crave carbs all the time, a diet focusing on fiber keeps that under control and also curbs my hunger. I should see results in due course.

So today I am going to praise myself consistently for everything I have accomplished. This is my time to shine. I'm focused, I'm stable and I'm moving forward. How about a big "High Five" for that! Have a wonderful day everyone. Make sure you do some high fivin' too!

On Emotional Eating: Some Info From My Clinic

I know many of us struggled with emotional eating before we started Optifast, and I have found the behavior doesn't magically "disappear" when you return to "real food." Oh no, emotional eating will still be a big problem for us in maintenance, unless we are very proactive in recognizing it and take steps to prevent it. I am finding that this is crucial.

My clinic, the Central Ohio Nutrition Center, Inc. (www.conci.com), has a piece about emotional eating on their website. I thought I'd share it with everyone:

Taking Emotional Eating Out of Your Weight Loss Diet | Central Ohio Nutrition Center

In a perfect world, we would only eat when we needed to, and only an amount appropriate for our grumbling bellies. Unfortunately, hunger isn't the only sensation that can make us want to eat. Many people are beset by a habit called emotional eating, which can add countless calories to your diet as you use food to cope with your feelings.

Though it’s a common problem, emotional eating doesn't have to ruin the progress you’re making with your diet and weight loss program. By taking steps now to recognize emotional eating and minimize its impact on your life, you can turn this into another bad habit left behind in the wake of your healthy new lifestyle.

Identifying Emotional Hunger

Emotional hunger and physical hunger feel similar, but are not alike. To put an end to emotional eating, it helps to take note of how emotional hunger typically behaves. You will likely crave specific foods, especially favorite comfort foods you’re trying to avoid. These cravings can strike you suddenly and demand quick gratification, but will usually only make you guilty, especially if you eat far past the point of fullness.

When you feel a desire to eat, ask yourself if you’re truly hungry, especially if it isn’t time for a meal. If your urge seems to fit the description above, emotional hunger may be behind it, so it will help to take a closer look by:

Considering the cause.  As the name suggests, emotional eating stems from our feelings, but the trigger may not always be obvious. Though depression, loneliness, stress and anger are common causes, you may also feel emotional hunger while celebrating, or when simply bored during a slow day. Every time you suspect that you might be emotionally hungry, consider what you’re feeling and the factors that led to your emotions. Help yourself see patterns by writing down your findings in a journal.

Searching for a solution.  Regardless of how you feel, overeating is a poor way to cope. You can address emotional eating in a far more productive fashion by finding a way to alleviate your emotions without food. Exercise can be a wonderful way to diminish the effects of stress, sadness, boredom and anger, and will help with your weight loss program as an added bonus. You can also try calling a family member or close friend, or going for a walk to clear your head. Plan out ways to deal with the emotions that most frequently cause your emotional hunger and put them into action when the need arises.

Though emotional eating can be a frustrating problem, you have the power to control it. Like any other bad habit, emotional eating is something you can leave behind you during medical weight loss in Columbus.

Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind

Trouble Ahead: My "Typical" Campsite Breakfast

Evenin' all. Well, you know there is that credo, "Best laid plans often go awry." And that proved to be true earlier this evening, when I convinced my husband to take me out to eat -- pizza, specifically. Yes, I knew that my weight was slowly inching back down; that I have an official weigh-in at the clinic tomorrow; and that I had a tasty piece of low-cal Chilean Sea Bass waiting for me in the fridge. I knew eating pizza would automatically cause weight gain from the sodium causing water retention, which always leads to me freaking out. I knew all of this, but still went out. So that's behind me now, and the scale is calling. Sigh.

Looking ahead, hubby and I have decided to take off this weekend for a camping and hiking trip down in the Hocking Hills region of southern Ohio. Our campsite is about an hour south from Columbus. Camping for us traditionally means eggs and bacon and pancakes and coffee prepared on the cook stove in the morning. After hiking, for dinner I make chili or macaroni and cheese, and bring along my red potato salad. Then there is some sweet treat later in the evening by the campfire. Oops -- there goes the diet.

So I'm a little scared as to how I handle all of this. Although I'm dreading the weigh-in at the clinic tomorrow, I am glad I will be seeing Millie. She will inevitably have some tips. This is why I stick very close to the clinic. If I were on my own, holding my weight steady would be very, very challenging. I'll keep you updated on what transpires tomorrow. It's late, so I'm going to sign off. Take care.

Gettin' Honest & Hangin' Tough!

Into the unknown: Mr. Lewis & Mr. Clark

Grrr. My weight won't budge off of 159 lbs. and I'm frustrated. I'm taking in my usual amount of calories, I walk at least 2 miles a day, I hydrate. BUT I must remember a few things. First, I'm midway through my cycle, and I retain water. Second, it's summertime, and for some reason, I gain weight in the summer and actually lose weight in the winter. It's a very odd pattern, but it's been that way for me pretty much as long as I can remember. And third, my body hasn't changed. It's actually not half bad. Heck, it's good. There, I said it.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I have been fantasizing recently of trying to drop down to 150 lbs. before our trip out West in July. Thinking if I got down that low, I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and not panic when I got home. Folks, this is twisted thinking. This is a sign that deep down, I do not want to exert portion control; I want to eat whatever the heck I want; I don't want any "controls" period; and maybe, just maybe, I have a touch of wanting to "self-sabotage." Well, I'm not entirely sure about that. But it's a possibility. We might as well not rule anything out.

Now, "getting honest" about this situation is a good thing, I think. After all, I have not faced a two-week vacation on maintenance before. This is "Lewis and Clark territory" for me. I'm anxious, I don't want thoughts of food to dominate my thoughts, I want to be able to let loose from time to time. I guess what's got me concerned is there will inevitably be some weight gain, and you know how long it took me to get the poundage off when I was Optifasting. Months...and months and months. Part of me is wondering if I will need to go back on product when I return? Honestly, I don't know if I could successfully do that. Maybe.

I'm thinking I need to step back and revisit my "acceptance" thinking that got me through the long full fast. I had to just settle down and accept that my body was only going to shed, on average, 2.2 lbs. a week. Currently, I just need to accept that my weight is hanging out on the high end of my range; this isn't any "shocker"; and accept that getting down to 150 lbs. is flat out insanity. Seriously, Melissa. Weighing in at 159 lbs. every morning is no big deal. Adding some additional pounds during the West trip is not going to signal the end of the world. Let's get rational here.

I guess I'll just repeat what I have already mentioned earlier: When you lose a significant amount of weight, it just changes you -- dramatically. It is not just the physical change. There's the emotional change, and for me that's pure, unadulterated terror that I am going to gain all my weight back. How could one not feel that way? We know what it's like to be obese: the pain, the shame, the embarrassment. You know I hated myself -- my self-esteem was crushed. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I'm frightened about going back there. But I want to enjoy life! Ah, what a challenging situation.

Now, keep in mind (and you probably already know this), I'm a "little" dramatic, and very prone to "anticipatory worry." Millie told me she recently went on vacation and had great success maintaining. I actually have an appointment with her this week, and we are going to discuss strategies for maintaining when you travel. I'm not out here on my own, winging it with no guidance. (Hey, even Lewis and Clark got a little help.) I've got the necessary supports in place. So I guess it comes down to just "hanging tough" and not falling apart when I see that damn number on the scale. Seriously folks, watch for an obsession with the scale. It can really wreck your serenity. But again, when you lose a massive amount of weight, it's kind of hard not to be chained to the scale.  

Deep breath. I'm a survivor and I'll get through this. Maintenance isn't for the weak of heart, I'll tell you that! (Wink, wink.) "Imperfect progress." That sums up my efforts now perfectly!

When Restriction Breeds Resentment

Well, this has been a frustrating weekend to be sure. Yes, my body is responding well to the increase in my Synthroid dose -- I'm not so cold, I'm not constipated anymore, my mood is getting better, hubby and I walked quite a bit yesterday. But what's happening is I came into the weekend on the higher end of my weight "comfort zone," which is not typical for me. I was holding firm on a morning weigh in of 159 lbs., whereas I normally come in around 156 lbs. on Friday, giving me a little "flexibility" to ease up on my controls throughout the weekend. I have come to expect this -- this "reward" for being so diligent with my eating all week. But this did not happen, and I have found that I am brittle and frankly, quite resentful.

I have read in my books that highly restrictive diets do indeed open the door for some resentment. I had been dealing with it with my "weekend reward" strategy. But this wasn't an option this time. And interestingly, the more resentful I got, the more I started craving really fattening things. Doughy things, salty things, decadent chocolate things. I've kept the brakes on and I have been sticking to my Fiber One snacks (I weighed in at 157 lbs. this morning, and I think the Fiber One is a big reason for this). But honestly, I'm not a happy camper right now. My husband has picked up on it, and he keeps telling me how wonderful I look and to relax more. It's just so, so hard.

As you know, I am hell-bent on not becoming just another one of those people in that "statistic" of those who gain all their weight back after reaching goal. I'm just not going to be in that group, no matter how difficult this maintenance journey can be. My self esteem can't handle it, my health can't handle it. It's really that simple. Honestly, for the most part, maintenance has not been so overwhelming, but this weekend it has been very, very difficult. And I'm mad about that. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about food and it's just a waste of energy. Sorry to be so negative, but it's how I feel right now.

I think hubby and I are going to go to a movie this afternoon. I just really need a diversion from this resentment. I know it will pass soon. It's just glaringly apparent right now.

Some Progress On The Health Front

The best medicine of all!

A "Good Morning" to everyone. Well, the first good news is I fell asleep at 8:00 p.m. last night and slept through until 8:00 a.m. this morning. My body definitely needed the rest. As you know, I've been so, so tired and I feel more refreshed than I have for days. I am also pleased to report I got a 2 mile streak in yesterday. I walked very slowly, but I finished it. This is something I wanted to do, something I missed doing. I'm glad I just got out there and did it. It's so easy for me to slip back into a sedentary routine, and I really don't want to do that anymore. So I'm proud of myself for pushing through my fatigue and accomplishing this.

Another small "victory" I had was I started craving doughy, fattening pizza last night, before my husband got home from work. I had everything in the fridge prepared for dinner: a healthy Mediterranean chicken pasta salad for hubby (I've got him dieting now) and a piece of trout and quinoa salad with legumes and veggies for me. But the thought of an overloaded pizza kept tormenting me. Fortunately, husband got home and talked me through it, praising me for everything I have accomplished and thanking me for cooking more healthy food for him.

I saw that he was right, so I served what I had intended. As expected, the craving for pizza passed, and of course I woke up this morning feeling so happy that I didn't cram that fattening crap into my belly last night. So I'm on the mend and I should be getting stronger and stronger as the days pass. That's what my thyroid doctor promised. You know, I'm glad we caught this before our California trip next month. I would hate it if I got all the way out there and couldn't muster the energy to do anything. That would be a disaster.

I think I'm up for another 2 mile streak this morning. It's not hot outside, so I'll be comfortable. There is also a big arts festival going on downtown, and our little historical neighborhood is adjacent to the area where it is held. So we can walk over there and see the vendors and all their beautiful displays. Now, I've got to watch my urge to buy anything -- we are saving out pennies for the trip!

There will of course be the food trucks selling every fried, fattening thing you can imagine. That's "off limits" to me. My trick will be to bring along my iDiet Snack Attack Packs (either Fiber one with Ghiradelli dark chocolate crumbled bits; or Fiber One with peanuts and Cajun seasoning). And some bottled water. I located an old "fanny pack" I have from the 1990s and I will just use that for my "attack packs" and water and strap it around my waist. This should do the trick.

So onward I go on my maintenance journey. Things have been a little "bumpy" recently, but I'm making my way through. Have a great weekend everyone.

An Old Friend Rears It's Head

Hello all. I have not been feeling well lately, and I have just found out why: my thyroid levels have dropped, and I am now hypothyroid (as opposed to the hyperthyroid condition I had brought on by Graves Disease). The symptoms include fatigue, fuzzy memory, weight gain, hair thinning, irregular/heavy periods, cold hands/cold feet and depression. Everything I have been experiencing. I haven't really gone into the details of my symptoms because a.) I like to be positive here and b.) I hadn't really pieced this all together, because some days have been good, others have been bad.

But the good news is the dosage of my medicine has been increased and I started it yesterday. I should get some relief within the week. I am disappointed to report that I stopped streaking 2 days ago. I just couldn't physically move -- I was very, very tired. And my morning weight has not budged off of 159 lbs, regardless of what I eat. This impacts me emotionally and throws a monkey wrench in my eating routine. I am used to going into the weekend weighing around 156 lbs., and that makes me feel comfortable about having a meal out and a brunchy meal on Sundays. I have gotten very used to my weekly weight "pattern" and it keeps me comfortable and anxiety-free. But tonight I'm keyed up and envisioning a highly restrictive weekend -- which I'm starting to resent.

Millie has told me that my restrictive diet can easily lend itself to resentment. So I'm not surprised I am starting to feel this way. I tried to relax a little bit last night. We went out to dinner at a healthy Middle Eastern restaurant, and then we walked over to an ice cream shop. I haven't had ice cream in so, so long. It was good, but I did feel a twinge of guilt. I'm working on managing that and I think I'll get better in time. I'm going to try and shoot for the middle of the road -- not be so, so restrictive nor totally without controls. Just reside somewhere in the middle. For a "black and white" thinker like me, this is difficult to do. But I'm going to try.

Now something interesting I want to tell you is I have not been eating my Fiber One/plain non-fat yogurt/almonds/Ghiradelli dark chocolate square, and strawberries "concoction" at night for several days now. Might this be a reason why my weight won't budge? I will ask Millie when I see her next week. I also have veered away from making my own high-fiber salads with veggies, instead purchasing some different salads with high-fiber items in them from a high-end grocery store in Columbus. What's "dangerous" about this is I don't know what they are using for dressing, and if the salads contain salt. When I relinquish control of what I make to someone else, there are definite drawbacks. But again, I've been so tired and my creativity is out the window right now.

So I'm going to see how the next few days go, and try to resume my own cooking. That's my little goal for the weekend. Of course I'll keep you updated on my thyroid situation. Who would have thought that tiny "Master Gland" could cause such disruption? Oh well. We'll get it under control soon. And then a steakin' I will go!

Transition Fears: Remember The Three-Legged Stool

Take a seat

Well, we've got some folks on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page that are coming up on transition and facing those fears I am so, so familiar with. As you know, I had a rather "bumpy" landing when I came off product, because there were some emotional issues I had (i.e. anxiety) that really flared up when transition time came. It is a huge step to go from having all your meals throughout the day mapped out, to now having to make your own choices as to what you eat and when. Your fears are justified and to be expected.

There is no doubt in my mind that if you remain focused on what my clinic calls the "Three Legged Stool" of weight maintenance, you will get through this stage more smoothly and set yourself up beautifully for maintenance. Leg One: Count your calories. Leg Two: Exercise. (Daily, if you can.) Leg Three: Keep a close eye on your emotional triggers for overeating and monitor your behavior when you are around tempting food.

Now, I'll be the first to tell you that sure, it's nice to have this all boiled down into three things, but the truth of the matter is lots of factors come into play that complicate them. Nailing down the exact number of calories you eat every day can be tricky if you cook, and I have found I am moving away from my calorie counter, MyFitnessPal, because I eat the same things for the most part every day. Could this be dangerous and set me up for weight gain? I'm not sure yet.

My exercise is constant and in good shape. Now. What happens after my California trip is over? When the temperature in Ohio really heats up and I don't even want to go outside? Of course I'm not going to go there, because I stay in "today" -- in the present, the "now" -- but sure, I've thought about this. I get motivated and kick things into high gear when I have a specific goal, such as the California trip. In the case of Optifast, staying compliant until I reached my goal weight. No matter how long it took. This exercise leg on my stool is going require a lot of attention. This I know.

And I believe without a doubt that many, many people don't tend to that emotional behavior leg of the stool when the product-only phase is over. In fact, I think this is the key reason why they regain all their weight, because things fall like dominoes when the emotional issues overtake you. For example, you get depressed. You eat to try and feel better. It doesn't work. You gain some weight. You get mad. You eat some more. The exercise stops. Then you just throw in the towel from frustration. Before you know it, all the weight is back. Back to square one.

In a nutshell, we are going to have to do some work to have a successful transition off the Optifast products and to hold our weight in maintenance. Do not be afraid of this -- just expect it. You have more strength and fortitude than you might think. It's just knowing how to tap into it consistently. And remember when I talked about "imperfect progress"? That applies here. Take it slow, remember you get more confident every day. You can do it! Believe in yourself. That's the key to success.

What A Difference A Year Makes

I was thinking today how radically different this time is than last year, when I was still over 200 lbs., even though I had been on product for 2 months. I couldn't move that well, and I certainly didn't want to get out of my recliner -- my husband would have to pry me out to go walking with him. I was frustrated with the slow weight loss, but I had no intention of quitting. So I steeled myself for a challenging summer. And at times, that's what it was.

Fast forward to today, where I can move with ease, I am at a healthy weight, and I feel fantastic. I visited a friend and her husband Saturday afternoon who I have not seen in a very long while, and the compliments about my weight loss seemed to never stop. I was shy about it at first, then let myself enjoy the feedback. I worked hard for this. I deserved this! Everything seemed to converge and I felt -- I feel -- so happy, so grateful for the Optifast program. I stayed compliant and as promised, I reached goal. In hindsight, this is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life.

Bathing suit season is fast approaching -- heck, it's already here! -- and I'm actually excited to don my new suit and join my extended family for swims in the pool. I haven't felt this way in years. Years! I've always been a "water baby" (I started swimming lessons at age 2) and I love to splash around with my nieces and nephews, and then spend some quieter time talking with my Mom as we float in the water. When my weight got so high I quit doing this, wrapping myself up in a baggy cover-up and just sitting at a table, under the umbrella. Those days are gone now. Good riddance to you!

I am even embracing my gardening with gusto, creating a "floral montage" with numerous terra cotta pots filled with bold, colorful flowers, clearly illustrating my renewed vigor and happiness. I'm keeping up with my watering (well, my husband helps too) so they continue to flourish all summer long. This is an excellent example of my "re-birth" -- into a whole new world of opportunity for me. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I'm ready for action!

I know maintenance continues to have its challenges, but I am feeling very strong and confident right now. I'm inching closer to the 5 month mark, and much has been learned along the way. A year ago, I was very, very concerned about facing maintenance and worried that I would not be successful. But look at me -- I'm doing it!

Yes, I'm in a good place today. And it feels wonderful.