The "Creature": Emotional Eating

Without going in to the specifics, I had a very upsetting day yesterday. Also had a therapy appointment, and tried to process some things there, but left feeling confused and still down. I guess there have just been some unexpected "curve balls" thrown my way, and when this happens, my default mode is to pick up something to eat to make myself feel better, make the uncomfortable feelings go away. I had two minor "slips" yesterday -- took two big bites of my husband's dinner roll with butter on it, and despite the wonderful feedback I got from my friends on Facebook, I made a bowl of oatmeal before I went to bed. And now, at 5:00 a.m., my tummy feels sick.

In a way, I feel like crying -- there are lots of emotions inside of me that I have kept at bay for many, many years, and the dam is starting to get some cracks. The urge to eat "bad" things is fueled by this sense that I am "bad." Millie went over this in class, how some people are "moralistic" eaters. That's me to a tee. I'm plagued by a low self-esteem, and the bulk of my therapy focuses on this. People can tell me I'm bright and kind and hard-working and dedicated but I just don't believe it myself. I have been cursed with this for a very, very long time, and undoing this way of thinking has been quite difficult and is still an on-going process.

I am not hungry this morning, but I know if I do not eat my oatmeal, I will get ravenous in the late morning and that opens the door to the possibility of a binge. It is critical I stay on schedule to prevent this from happening. I also get weak, because I am still fumbling around with making sure I take in enough calories. I dropped down to 155 lbs. yesterday morning, which is fine, but my body has "swung" from 162 lbs. to 155 lbs. in roughly five days. This messes with my emotions too. As you know, I really like certainty right now, because this maintenance thing is so new and I'm still figuring it all out. Big swings, in either direction, upset me and make me want to eat. This emotional eating "creature" starts running amok, chasing me everywhere I go. It's so hard fighting back.

My mind is really cluttered right now, and it's kind of difficult to write. So I am just going to sign off and pick up later this evening. It's Friday, so that means the weekend starts tonight. Our hockey team is playing, and we will be watching on TV. So I am looking forward to that. To be continued...