Human, All Too Human

Okay. Deep breath. Some very "bad" eating choices have been made lately and it's time to take some action. I'm in a free-fall and I've got to pull my rip cord. I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now, very uncomfortable, and actually, quite upset. It's hard to figure out where to begin this morning, but I guess I'll just jump in and get this stuff down on paper.

This all started with the stromboli on Wednesday. I woke up feeling absolutely horrible, physically and emotionally, Thursday morning. But I quickly resumed my eating routine: Oatmeal for breakfast; 1/2 pita sandwich and cottage cheese with grape tomatoes for lunch; apple for snack, sensible dinner. I had my yogurt/Fiber One/almonds/70% cacao chocolate square treat. Then I broke. Three more chocolate squares and a bowl of oatmeal. In very quick order.

I woke up yesterday feeling okay. The scale showed me at 156 lbs., so my anxiety didn't flare up. I resumed my eating routine. There was a catered lunch at work, but I fixed my own. I did, however, pack up some things for my husband, including three cookies and a doughnut. When I got home around 3:00 p.m., I attacked the sweets. I could not stop. I got a raging headache. I was horrified by my actions. I collected myself, went on a long walk, and had a very healthy dinner of salmon and a pearled whole wheat cous cous salad I made with veggies. My yogurt treat followed.

My husband balked at the food I brought home, refusing to eat it. I dutifully put it down the disposal. He instead ordered a pizza. I crept into the kitchen and had three squares of it, very, very quickly. Then a bowl of oatmeal. I was not hungry but stuffed myself anyway. Frightened, I went upstairs and got into bed. I got out of bed, went to the scale, and weighed in at 160 lbs. It was night time, so I always weigh more. I got back into bed. And thankfully fell asleep.

So here we are now.

My body feels like crud. I am shocked by the bingeing behavior. I am ashamed and deeply disappointed in myself. I do not feel like eating at all, but I know I must get back on the horse and follow my routine. I am going to have my oatmeal shortly, whether my body wants it or not. I do so want to fall back on my horrible eating pattern of the past: starve all day, then eat out of control in the evening. But I cannot go back there. I will not go back there.

I am really trying to figure out this "insanity." What is driving this bingeing? Am I upset about something? Am I feeling too "comfortable" with my weight right now? Is my body, deep down, unhappy at 157 lbs. and actually wants me to settle in at a higher weight? Or is it that I have denied myself from eating pasta, pizza, cookies, doughnuts etc. for so damn long that my body just can't take it anymore?  Something serious is going on and I want to identify it, address it, solve it.

I'm flustered and cannot get my head straight. So I'm going to take a little break now and pick back up later in the day. I just needed to get this out. I'll be back shortly.