Some Thoughts On Guilt

Was it worth it?

Well, on Sunday (two days ago), the next day after my homemade chili dinner, I decided to test the waters further and have Eggs Benedict for brunch. With Julia Child's Hollandaise sauce of course, that includes one stick of butter. I made it for my husband, and I wanted my own serving. I even whipped up some hash browns for us, cooked in three tablespoons of oil. I knew the meal was a big no-no, but I ate it anyway. And I loved it. For the short duration it took me to eat it. And then, as they say, the Guilt Set In.

Some may not deal with guilt that often, but I sure do. And it goes without saying that it's present now that I'm in maintenance and watching everything I eat like a hawk, making sure I don't go over my calorie limit every day. I felt guilty and worried about the brunch, and when I stepped on the scale yesterday weighing in at 162 lbs., I was upset as well. (Keep in mind I was 156 lbs. on Friday.) Millie assured me my eating choices were entirely normal. And weighing in at 159 lbs. this morning, I know I'm on my downward path to my comfort-level weight of 157 lbs. Yet the guilt over my choices remains.

Why?

I guess I am just coming up against some perfectionist tendencies, and my fear of gaining all my weight back. Plus, I feel like I'm perpetuating a "pattern" where I'm "good" all week, then slip and slide during the weekend -- some mild "yo-yoing" and that makes me feel incompetent. Gosh, I'm so hard on myself right now. I have my private session with Millie tomorrow, and I plan on bringing this up. I am not perfect. I am allowed to deviate off my diet occasionally. Everything is going to be okay. I know this in my heart, but I seem to indulge guilty feelings that make me feel like "Bad Girl Melissa." I'm sure there are childhood roots to all of this. Best to bring it up with my therapist too.

I think I need to take a pause, sit back, and look at things in the "big picture." I have lost 80 lbs.! I've kept it off for over three months! I can do this! And darn it, I'm a good person! Dare I say, what Millie has told me, I'm awesome? For the most part, I did a full fast on Optifast products only for over nine months. Nine months! It's incredible how compliant I was. I made it to goal. Mission (Part I) accomplished.

I must keep this in the forefront of my mind. I'm going to try to do this. I don't need guilt. What purpose does it serve? I'm going to try extra hard to stay in the positive zone, looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Yes, that's the ticket. I've said it before and I'll say it again: This is about practice, not perfection. Believe in yourself, Melissa, and stop second-guessing yourself. You're doing a great job. Remember this, I will try.