Binge Recovery, Part I

Well, I didn't know this bingeing creature until I was well on my way in the Optifast program. I'm in no way blaming Optifast, I just have never been on a diet before, never restricted what I ate, never watched my caloric intake. I never read labels, I ate fast food whenever I wanted it, I cooked with lots of butter, heavy cream, lots of salt -- everything but the kitchen sink. So the Optifast program was actually quite a significant departure from my prior way of living. I hit the brakes hard, got out of the car, and started walking, so to speak. Big, big change.

My first-ever experience with a true binge was last December at Christmastime. I blogged about it, if you want to go back and read it. It involved Christmas cookies, which I shoved in, losing count. I was highly stressed. And it scared the living daylights out of me. Since I began maintaining, I've had little "baby binges" here and there, but I've managed to put the brakes on, either by myself or in some instances, my husband has intervened. My weight has not been impacted.

But what has me so nervous, so scared this morning is the way I, for lack of a better word, "attacked" two days ago those cookies, the doughnut, and the pizza. I'm talking about throwing control out the window and devouring things very quickly, not tasting them at all, just having one bite after another in a very quick manner. This behavior is very, very uncomfortable for me.

Physically, I put my body through the wringer because it is just not used to the sugar/carb overload. Folks, I felt like crap yesterday. By some people's standards, a few cookies, a doughnut, and four small pizza "squares" might not seem like a lot, but it leveled me. Thank God for Millie. She quickly responded to my email and listed specific things to do to get some physical relief. Emotionally, I was a wreck but I immediately got support from my Internet friends and my husband listened to me as I talked about it, opening up to him about my fears and concerns.

Yes, I am quite familiar, analytically speaking, with the underpinnings of eating disorders, and the emotional/psychological components of them. I have read about these disorders at length. They are rooted in "control" (or lack thereof) and in some cases, perfectionism and obsessiveness. Do I now have one? No, I do not. I am newly in maintenance, and feeling my way through it. I'm way ahead of the game because I am talking about it, writing about it, not "hiding" it. I'm not running away from this. Bingeing has cropped up, and it must be dealt with as soon as possible. I'm asking for help -- I'm not going to try and conquer this on my own.

My posts will probably pick up a bit, as I am finding that writing my feelings down, talking with my husband, "chatting" with my Internet friends is really, really helping right now. If you have just had a binge, pick up a pen and get a piece of paper and just start writing. Whatever comes to mind. Get it out -- let all those feelings flow. All right, I'm going to step away and prepare some breakfast. Be back later.