Declaring A Truce With The Scale

An early "Good Morning" all. I have let the dogs out and it's about 5:30 a.m. It's the weekend and I'll be up for a few hours and then it's back to sleep for awhile. I was mulling over what might be interesting to discuss this morning, and I thought I might as well delve back into my "nemesis" throughout this whole journey: that damn (pardon the language) scale.

Despite assurances to myself last year that I would not bring a scale into my home, you may remember that I fled the house in a panic and bought a cheap scale at Bed, Bath & Beyond after my first-ever binge of Christmas cookies. So it's here now as a result of a crisis -- it was not purchased in a run of the mill way, as just another ordinary item to keep in the home. No, from the very beginning, my scale equals "panic" and therein lies the root of my dilemma.

I put the picture up on the right because, of course, it reinforces that the scale does not sum up who you are as a person. But I do believe that the scale does more than just show you your relationship with gravity. For me, the scale gives certainty -- in a moment in time -- and that sets the tone of how my day will proceed eating-wise. Which currently dominates my thoughts because I am so new into maintenance and frightened about gaining my weight back. That scale is very powerful to me. Certainty I am in the "green" safety zone translates into comfort which translates into diminished panic. So I'm locked into an emotional relationship with the scale right now.

But as you know, scales "swing" all the time. A woman's monthly cycle, when you go to the bathroom, factoring in meals out, it all contributes to the sheer impossibility of "nailing down" one number and holding it forever. Do I want that one number? If I had my way, you bet. I'd be certain all of the time and there would be no panic as far as gaining all the weight back goes. My magical number is a 157 lb. weigh-in every morning. I have no idea how I locked in on to that number. It's just in my head and it's been that way for awhile. I've dipped down to 154 lbs. and eaten more to bring the weight back up; I've seen a high of about 166 lbs.(?)  after my trip to New York in February and through various measures, brought it back down. And the inevitable thing was that I panicked when those swings, either way, happened.

Now, I will say that I often feel like I am a complete freak when it comes to this, err, "emotional instability." I have no idea how other Optifasters now in maintenance feel about their scale and if it has this "power" over their emotional state as well. I do know many of my friends weigh every day, more so for accountability reasons. I guess I'm that way too, but I've got that added kicker of wanting to keep that panic/anxiety monster in check. I'm trying to ease up a little bit, but it's been damn near impossible for me since I entered transition three months ago.

My ultimate goal, of course, is to have a "truce" with my cheap scale. To be able to check in every morning and not be affected by the digits displayed. A dream would be to only weigh in once a week. But I just don't see that happening any time soon. Given the significant amount of weight I lost -- which inevitably lead to my fear of gaining it back --I am watching that scale ever so closely. But as in all things, patience leads to progress. And I'm imperfect. I'll keep working on this, to be sure. It's just going to take awhile. And that's okay.