Maintenance Reflections: Part II

Bumps in the road

It has always been very, very important to me to try and be "upbeat" and positive here -- Optifasting can be extremely difficult at times, and it helps to get encouragement and uplifting support. At least that was the case with me when I was full fasting for over nine months. And it is just as important to me to relay a positive message to you about maintenance. Yet this has proved to be difficult at times. We all walk our own paths, and you can clearly see that mine is riddled with potholes right now.

I want to be able to say, "I'm doing it! I feel great!" I wish I could post a picture of me smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up. But I don't have that picture right now. At this juncture, I am walking a fine line between contentment and instability. And there are a host of reasons for that. Yes, I am having some difficulties at work, and that has me very unsettled. My knee-jerk reaction in the past was to pick up food to make me feel better -- and I can't do that anymore. The clinic does not teach you how to manage the workplace, nor do they go in-depth as to how to handle work-related crises. That is not their place. I must navigate through workplace problems on my own. Well, I've got therapy support, but ultimately things come down to me.

Pile on top of this the fact that I am a perfectionist, and I cannot seem to tolerate any weight gain at all. I am micro-managing my weight so closely, so intensely that it is actually wearing me down. I am driven by those damn statistics showing how many people who have been on liquid diets fail to maintain their weight loss within five years. Some figures put it at 98% -- 98%! -- leaving only 2% of people who beat the odds. That's not very many, folks. Now, figures lie and liars figure. When were these statistics compiled? Who calculated them? What liquid diets are we talking about? What are the success rates of individual U.S. Optifast clinics? Are they increasing every year as more and more weight loss and maintenance information is compiled? All of this needs to be taken into account. So that 98% projection could be wildly off base.

Point is, I'm struggling. And right now, I feel very alone. Bless his heart, my husband is trying to support me, but I just don't think he can get his arms around the fact that I am so very nervous about gaining my weight back, and weight management dominates my thoughts constantly. He loved me when I was 239 lbs. and he loves me now I am 157 lbs. This is all strange and foreign to him, and I can definitely understand that. Things have changed, and I'm not saying they have changed for the worse -- it's just different now.

I also feel alone because my Internet compatriots are espousing the benefits of exercise, and it seems so effortless for them to follow workout routines. I am struggling mightily with that right now and subsequently I feel like a failure. The desire is not there, the obsession is not there, the commitment is not there. I can't just "manufacture" it. It has to come from within. I know this to be true because I went through a very long phase of weekly workouts, including weightlifting and running and swimming. I was obsessed. And that's why I stuck to the exercise program.

I know I'm pretty much bearing my soul today, and there are risks associated with that. But I'm hoping that the day will come when I read back over this post and say, "Gee, that was a really difficult time. But you got through it." I'm hoping my fear of weight gain will have eased because I will have reached a comfort level with my maintenance routine and it will be more "effortless." I'm hoping I will have embraced an exercise program, not obsessively, but in a healthy way. I'm reminded of that phrase, "Dare to dream." It fits for me right now.

I have my maintenance class tonight and I am really looking forward to that. I was not able to get to the clinic last week due to some scheduling conflicts, so it will be good to see everyone. The classes "ground" me and make me feel better. Which is a good thing. One foot in front of the other, Melissa. Patience -- and time.