And Now, The Insomnia

Dear readers, I have not been sleeping well for days. Heck, if I get honest, my sleep has been choppy for months. I know it is linked to stress and anxiety, both of which have been ramped up from work and my move into maintenance. It's horrible when you can't sleep. Last night I went to bed at 10:00 p.m. and then I was up at midnight; 2:00 a.m.; came downstairs, had some oatmeal and finally got back to sleep at 4:30 a.m.; and now it's 9:30 a.m. and I barely feel rested. I'm a wreck.

I know I've increased my afternoon Starbucks latte "splurge" from a large to an extra-large, and that can't be helping matters. So that needs to be eliminated -- I never had lattes when I was fasting. Only iced coffee in the afternoon. I also need to start employing things to help me relax. My friend Laura posted some excellent suggestions on the Facebook Optifast Support page this morning (she was up at 4:00 a.m. too!), including the use of lavender in a bath. I love hot soaks, so I am going to try that.

As far as decreasing the anxiety, this is going to be my cross to bear. I take medication, but it only goes so far. It remains high for several reasons, the most important one being my crippling fear of gaining my weight back. I watch that MyFitnessPal food tracker like a hawk. It says ever-so-clearly that I should not exceed 1,460 calories per day to maintain, and I never, ever do. I am starting to resent it so much. I know there are legions of people out there who use this handy "calculator" and have no problem whatsoever with it. I am not one of those people. I never will be. It upsets me, yet I keep using it. This is why I detest technology. It does not make things easier for me. It makes things ten times worse.

I guess where I am striving to go -- where I feel I must go -- is the place where I have only a few different meal options and rotate them throughout the week. I will continue to have one meal out a week, but keep in mind I can't handle rich food anymore and need to watch portion size. I will already have in my head a rough idea of what the total calories are, so I will no longer need MyFitnessPal. Lord knows, people have been maintaining weight loss long before this online tracker option appeared. It is not the "be all and end all" of weight management. I just know in my heart it is causing me more harm than good. I'm so embarrassed to admit this -- to fess up to my fear of technology -- but I have to come clean. I do not like it. It scares me.

I just want to relax, to feel better, to sleep well. I'm tired of feeling exhausted all day. I want my energy back. Just to make sure my diet is not playing into all this, I will be contacting my nutritionist to get her input. That could be a factor too. Who knows. But something has to give.