Holiday Eating: It's About Portions

Easter is tomorrow, which means my family with gather for our Easter dinner. I am doing the lion's share of the cooking -- which I do with pleasure -- and there is nothing even remotely dietetic on the menu (with the exception of a fruit salad). Out of respect for the full fasters, I am not going into detail, but suffice to say it is a four course meal. Salt, butter, sugar, it is all in there. I am not going to put a low-calorie, low-fat meal in front of my family at the dinner table. They don't want it, and honestly, I don't want it either. So here's the upshot for me: I need to exercise portion control.

Portion control is a huge problem for me when I am dining out. Portion control is not something I have ever been comfortable with. Portion control means "putting the breaks on" and I'm like a racehorse chomping at the bit. Hard. Now, I learned from my little visit to the Italian restaurant recently that if I don't watch how much I cram into my stomach, I get very, very sick. My tummy aches and I feel rotten. I swear it is smaller now, and I just cannot handle rich food. I have to take Tums and eat Fiber one cereal. It's horrible. So I know what I need to do.

1. Eat something, before I drive to my sister's house with all the food, to keep me in check. We are eating at 1:30 p.m. and I plan on having my oatmeal around 10:30 a.m. In the past, before Optifast, I would eat nothing and go to the dinner ravenous, so I could stuff my face with all the food. Not anymore.

2. Bring a smaller plate with me. I inherited my mother's china from the 1960s, and I am bringing a plate with me. If you compare one of the plates to the plates they sell now, the size difference is glaringly apparent. Smaller plate, less room for the food. Millie, our nutritionist, taught us this trick. Into action I go.

3. I am bringing sparkling mineral water, lemons, and a special wine glass. I touch alcohol and my ability to exercise control and resist overeating is out the window. But that does not mean I can't hoist my own special drink/glass when we do our toast. I love Pellegrino now, and I actually bought two big bottles at the grocery store yesterday. I don't know how long we will be together, and I want to make sure I have enough. Mark another thing off my list.

4. Eat the fruit for dessert. I'll admit it, the fruit salad is for me. I will make a big one just in case someone wants some, but it is highly unlikely they will (given the dessert I am making). I have to have this or else I will start in on the dessert and not stop. This is my fallback.

So this is how my plan is taking shape. Fingers crossed that I follow it. I have not faced a holiday while in maintenance, so this is a first. I am remembering the Little Engine That Could: "I think I can" became "I know I can." So here I go.

Hide and Seek: A "Baby Binge"

Well, let's talk about Almond Butter. I have a Facebook friend who called it crack. I chuckled when I heard that, because I had just purchased some, and had faithfully measured out 2 tsp. to have with a small Pink Lady apple for a snack. No problem with portion control or craving any more of it. She must not know what she is talking about, I thought.

Yeah, right.

Two days ago, I weighed in the morning and I was 155 lbs. The stress and worry I had been contending with for days had impacted my eating routine. I just didn't want to eat. My weight began to drop from my expected 157 lbs. Was I happy about it? In a twisted way, yes I was. Very happy. Down is better than up, right? So that evening, I did what I always did in the past when I wanted to celebrate. Start eating!

Quietly into the kitchen I crept, making sure my husband was engrossed in the TV and didn't notice. Out came a teaspoon and the almond butter jar. One teaspoon. Yum. Second teaspoon. Yum, yum. Third and fourth teaspoons (I was going more quickly). Then, husband. "What are you doing in there?" Up he gets from his chair, and comes into the kitchen. I do not hesitate. "Hide this honey," I say. "It's crack."

He sighed. He's had to do this before. "Leave the kitchen," he said. And I did, knowing I would be on the hunt for it the next day.

The clinic distributes a critical handout that effectively sums up four classifications of eaters:

Emotional Eater -- Overeat when stressed, anxious, angry or bored. Overeat when feeling good or celebrating.

Eating Skills Eater -- First to finish meal when eating with others; nibble when preparing or cleaning up; regularly have second helpings; eat in places other than the kitchen or dining room; clean plate even when full.

Social Influences Eater -- Eat more with certain people; friends and family members like to eat; attend social events where food is served; work requires eating out; hard time controlling eating at social events.

Restrained Eater -- Get urges to eat even when not hungry; hard time controlling urges; skip at least one meal a day to lower calories; afraid won't be able to stop eating voluntarily; fast, exercise excessively, vomit or use laxatives.

I've got characteristics from all of these groups. I can't really align with one type. But clearly, the almond butter "incident" illustrates some emotional eating behavior. Celebrate a good weigh in! But let's call this what it is: a binge. I didn't want to stop eating, I couldn't stop eating. Very troubling and this needs to be addressed.

Of course I found the hidden almond butter last night, and started in on it again. But somehow, I managed to get the brakes on, go to the sink, squeeze a liberal amount of dishwashing liquid in the jar, fill it up with hot water, and scrape all the remaining almond butter out and down the disposal. Then immediately the jar went into the recycling bin outside. It's gone. And I'm relieved.

Almond butter? Crack in my book. I will not ever purchase it again. Thanks dear friend for the heads up.

Preventing Regain: The Facts

Just the facts, Ma'am!

I love my clinic. I cannot speak highly enough about the intelligent, compassionate, energetic staff that have held my hand through this whole Optifast program process. They are experts in what they do, skilled, hard-working professionals with outstanding credentials. When they tell us they are "Obsessed -- With Your Success!" they really mean it. Everything is covered, all the tools are given to us to succeed in keeping our weight off for good. I am truly blessed to be in Columbus and under the protective wing of the Central Ohio Nutrition Center, Inc. (CONCI)

I had a fabulous session with Kathy and she went over some key information that I have been very, very interested in since I embarked on my Optifast journey. We went over a solid, national study conducted by Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island and Rena Wing, psychiatrist and founder of the National Weight Control Registry. The study, entitled, "Stop Regain" looked at 3,000 people in this National Weight Control Registry who have lost, on average, 66 lbs. (through different approaches) and maintained an average 51 lb. loss after 10 years.

And here, folks, is how they do it:

1. Track food intake. (MyFitnessPal or similar works well.)
2. Count calories. (Ditto above.)
3. Follow a low calorie, low fat diet. Consume less than 1,800 calories a day.
4. Eat breakfast often. Whole grains and low-fat dairy included.
5. Limit the amount you eat out. Less than three times a week. Fast food less than one time per week.
6. Eat similar foods regularly.
7. Exercise 1 hour/day.
8. Watch less than 10 hours of TV a day.
9. Weigh at least once a week.

I can tell you I am doing everything except #7 (which the clinic is helping me on) and my weight has held almost dead even at 157 lbs. (when I weigh in every morning) for two months. This works. If you are serious about keeping your weight off after your significant investment in Optifast, follow this list. Sure, there are going to be days when you might deviate. That's to be expected. Just plan for those, but keep these things in the forefront of your mind.

Now, wonderful Connie on our Facebook Optifast Chat Support page added her own thing to the list: Believe in yourself. I just love that and I'm going to make that number 10. I also have been thinking this morning of some things I might add too. Journaling/blogging is right up there for me. Having a rock-solid support system of family and friends (face-to-face and online!) is critical.

CONCI also emphasizes quickly "putting the brakes on" if your weight goes up by 5 lbs. Also, be accountable -- go to the clinic regularly! Weigh in, talk with the staff, attend the educational classes, and attend the monthly maintenance class. As you know, I stay very, very close to the clinic and take advantage of everything they offer us. I will not allow myself to stray. I'm like a "new-born" and I'm not ready to walk on my own yet.

I'm feeling great today, now that I am armed with this new piece of information. My new goal is to get this exercise "thing" going. It's challenging for me, just like the full fasting was. But I'm making steps. I'm a work in progress. I like that. Have a great day all. The weekend is right around the corner!

New Day Coming

I remember when I first started the Optifast program and began using the products, I had so many questions and I wanted to "connect" with people going through the program too. I realized pretty early on that this was going to be challenging -- staying fully compliant -- and I needed a rock solid support system including people going through the program like myself. I mean, no one truly understands what it's like full fasting unless you've done it yourself. It takes one to know one.

Roughly a week into the program, a good clinic friend I had made directed me to a blog written by a woman in California called, "New Day Coming." She has not been active for awhile, but I still keep a link to her blog on the right side of my page because I found it invaluable when I started. It was the first Optifast blog I found; I visited it frequently to see how she handled different challenges posed by the full fast; I went there when I had cravings to get my mind off of food; I found links to other Optifast blogs I could read. I will always remain linked to her page, whether she resumes writing or not. It was that important to me.

I have not posted in a few days because I have been upset and my doctor wanted me to put together some good nights of sleep. I am most productive writing early in the morning, before work, and I had to put that off. I have been going to bed at 8:00 p.m. and sleeping through until 7:30 a.m. This has been good. I feel so much better. I awoke this morning refreshed, and immediately thought to myself, "Melissa, this is a new day coming." And I started to smile, because I realize that I can overcome these maintenance challenges, I will succeed in staying healthy, I am strong and resilient and intelligent and I am on a lifelong journey with ups and downs. Mistakes are okay, slips are okay, some weight gain is okay. I can recover and bring things back in line.

I know I can do this.

Like the Little Engine That Could, today is the day where "I think I can" clicked over into "I know I can." The "new day" has arrived. I feel positive and grounded. Now, this may change, but I'm prepared for that. I'm in maintenance, it's very challenging right now, I want to do it perfectly. But today, I am throwing the perfectionism out the window. It's ridiculous, an energy-waster, a self-esteem killer, an always unobtainable thing. It's toxic, actually, and I don't need it in my life. Of course, I can always run outside and pick it up off the ground, but today I am not going to do that.

Also, today is the day where I do a little "test" to see if I can go through the day not trying to please everyone. This came up in therapy, and it's been a big problem in my life since I was a very young child. I am going to think of Melissa today, and what she needs to be healthy and happy. In other words, I am going to put myself first, for a change. This is odd and uncomfortable, but I know I can test the waters for one day. It's a big step, but I have to start somewhere. I'm 46 years old and it's about time.

I want to take a moment to thank all of my friends and family for your support during this difficult time. You keep me grounded and I am so deeply grateful. Today is a "new day" for you as well. Make the most of it. All my love.

Maintenance Reflections: Part II

Bumps in the road

It has always been very, very important to me to try and be "upbeat" and positive here -- Optifasting can be extremely difficult at times, and it helps to get encouragement and uplifting support. At least that was the case with me when I was full fasting for over nine months. And it is just as important to me to relay a positive message to you about maintenance. Yet this has proved to be difficult at times. We all walk our own paths, and you can clearly see that mine is riddled with potholes right now.

I want to be able to say, "I'm doing it! I feel great!" I wish I could post a picture of me smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up. But I don't have that picture right now. At this juncture, I am walking a fine line between contentment and instability. And there are a host of reasons for that. Yes, I am having some difficulties at work, and that has me very unsettled. My knee-jerk reaction in the past was to pick up food to make me feel better -- and I can't do that anymore. The clinic does not teach you how to manage the workplace, nor do they go in-depth as to how to handle work-related crises. That is not their place. I must navigate through workplace problems on my own. Well, I've got therapy support, but ultimately things come down to me.

Pile on top of this the fact that I am a perfectionist, and I cannot seem to tolerate any weight gain at all. I am micro-managing my weight so closely, so intensely that it is actually wearing me down. I am driven by those damn statistics showing how many people who have been on liquid diets fail to maintain their weight loss within five years. Some figures put it at 98% -- 98%! -- leaving only 2% of people who beat the odds. That's not very many, folks. Now, figures lie and liars figure. When were these statistics compiled? Who calculated them? What liquid diets are we talking about? What are the success rates of individual U.S. Optifast clinics? Are they increasing every year as more and more weight loss and maintenance information is compiled? All of this needs to be taken into account. So that 98% projection could be wildly off base.

Point is, I'm struggling. And right now, I feel very alone. Bless his heart, my husband is trying to support me, but I just don't think he can get his arms around the fact that I am so very nervous about gaining my weight back, and weight management dominates my thoughts constantly. He loved me when I was 239 lbs. and he loves me now I am 157 lbs. This is all strange and foreign to him, and I can definitely understand that. Things have changed, and I'm not saying they have changed for the worse -- it's just different now.

I also feel alone because my Internet compatriots are espousing the benefits of exercise, and it seems so effortless for them to follow workout routines. I am struggling mightily with that right now and subsequently I feel like a failure. The desire is not there, the obsession is not there, the commitment is not there. I can't just "manufacture" it. It has to come from within. I know this to be true because I went through a very long phase of weekly workouts, including weightlifting and running and swimming. I was obsessed. And that's why I stuck to the exercise program.

I know I'm pretty much bearing my soul today, and there are risks associated with that. But I'm hoping that the day will come when I read back over this post and say, "Gee, that was a really difficult time. But you got through it." I'm hoping my fear of weight gain will have eased because I will have reached a comfort level with my maintenance routine and it will be more "effortless." I'm hoping I will have embraced an exercise program, not obsessively, but in a healthy way. I'm reminded of that phrase, "Dare to dream." It fits for me right now.

I have my maintenance class tonight and I am really looking forward to that. I was not able to get to the clinic last week due to some scheduling conflicts, so it will be good to see everyone. The classes "ground" me and make me feel better. Which is a good thing. One foot in front of the other, Melissa. Patience -- and time.

Maintenance: First Two Months Reflections

Popped a Benedryl last night at 8:00 p.m. and got the first good night of sleep in weeks. I feel so much better this morning. That insomnia is a big pain in the rear and I really dislike it. I hope to keep it at bay for awhile.

I was thinking that I am around the two month marker since I hit goal and entered into transition from the Optifast products and now back to "real" food. As you can easily tell from reading my posts, this has been a very difficult time for me, particularly emotionally. My anxiety has, at times, been through the roof and I've been contending with scale and calorie-counting obsessions. Sure, I'm holding, for the most part, dead even on 157 lbs. but it is coming at a cost.

Many questions have emerged: Is something like this inevitable when you drop lots of weight in a very short period of time? Am I alone in going through all of this? Was there any way I could have prepared for this in advance? Will this "insanity" ever end?

I really want to underscore my belief that there is a whole heck of lot involved in maintaining your weight after reaching goal and ending the Optifasting  It goes well above and beyond what the clinic teaches you about watching calories and exercising. Folks, this is really hard work right now -- for me -- and I know without a doubt I did not anticipate the intensity of it all when I started the program. I plunged in head first, determined to get my 80 lbs. off. Yes, I was constantly reading how challenging maintenance is, and how many people fail at sticking to it. And now I am facing it head-on and everything about these "warnings" makes sense.

As far as keeping my weight steady, here's what I am doing at this juncture:

1. I eat pretty much the same thing every day, with a few variations. I focus on eating "bulky" things high in fiber and protein; lots of fresh vegetables especially green leafy ones; yogurt; and whole grain carbs.

2. I rarely exceed the recommended calorie, carb, fat and sodium intake limit for me on MyFitnessPal.

3. I do not set one foot in any fast food establishment. If I crave a hamburger, like I did yesterday, I go to the butcher and get some ultra lean ground beef and make a hamburger patty at home.

4. I go out to eat at a restaurant once a week to enjoy myself and prevent binges and a total collapse of my program. I try to watch what I order closely, because I have felt ill from rich foods in the past.

5. I stay very close to the clinic, weighing in once a week; having a private session with the nutritionist roughly every three weeks; and attend the monthly maintenance class.

6. I walk the dogs at least 30 minutes a day.

7. I have a "sweet treat" every night: A "concoction" made from no-fat yogurt; Fiber One cereal; almonds; and 1 Ghiradelli dark chocolate square broken into bits. I like a sweet treat every night, and this does the trick. Plus it keeps me "regular." Which I like!

As far as keeping my emotions under control:

1. I see a psychologist once a week.

2. I take doctor-prescribed medication for anxiety.

3. I only weigh in the morning now, not at night too.

4. I lean heavily on a support system comprised of my family, clinic friends, and my Internet friends.

5. When I am shaky, I will email the nutritionists at the clinic for advice.

And most importantly, as far as celebrating goes:

1. I got my hair colored and cut and it looks beautiful!

2. I am purchasing beautiful new clothes and feel like a million bucks wearing them!

So this is where things stand today. I definitely have goals I want to aim for i.e. more exercise (I am working with the clinic on that), a more varied, interesting diet, and perhaps even getting to the point where I only need to weigh once a week. I don't know about that last one, as certainty is pretty darn important to me right now, and I'm terrified of getting out of control and gaining. But it's something I am shooting for.

I am trying to remember that all of this takes practice; that I am very new to maintenance; that I never had to watch what I ate so closely. This is new, foreign territory, and I need to get my bearings straight. I need to be patient, to try and relax a little bit more, to nurture myself when I can. One day at a time, I'm getting into the groove of things. I've come a long, long way. Much has been accomplished. Forward I now go. Into the happy, healthy future.

And Now, The Insomnia

Dear readers, I have not been sleeping well for days. Heck, if I get honest, my sleep has been choppy for months. I know it is linked to stress and anxiety, both of which have been ramped up from work and my move into maintenance. It's horrible when you can't sleep. Last night I went to bed at 10:00 p.m. and then I was up at midnight; 2:00 a.m.; came downstairs, had some oatmeal and finally got back to sleep at 4:30 a.m.; and now it's 9:30 a.m. and I barely feel rested. I'm a wreck.

I know I've increased my afternoon Starbucks latte "splurge" from a large to an extra-large, and that can't be helping matters. So that needs to be eliminated -- I never had lattes when I was fasting. Only iced coffee in the afternoon. I also need to start employing things to help me relax. My friend Laura posted some excellent suggestions on the Facebook Optifast Support page this morning (she was up at 4:00 a.m. too!), including the use of lavender in a bath. I love hot soaks, so I am going to try that.

As far as decreasing the anxiety, this is going to be my cross to bear. I take medication, but it only goes so far. It remains high for several reasons, the most important one being my crippling fear of gaining my weight back. I watch that MyFitnessPal food tracker like a hawk. It says ever-so-clearly that I should not exceed 1,460 calories per day to maintain, and I never, ever do. I am starting to resent it so much. I know there are legions of people out there who use this handy "calculator" and have no problem whatsoever with it. I am not one of those people. I never will be. It upsets me, yet I keep using it. This is why I detest technology. It does not make things easier for me. It makes things ten times worse.

I guess where I am striving to go -- where I feel I must go -- is the place where I have only a few different meal options and rotate them throughout the week. I will continue to have one meal out a week, but keep in mind I can't handle rich food anymore and need to watch portion size. I will already have in my head a rough idea of what the total calories are, so I will no longer need MyFitnessPal. Lord knows, people have been maintaining weight loss long before this online tracker option appeared. It is not the "be all and end all" of weight management. I just know in my heart it is causing me more harm than good. I'm so embarrassed to admit this -- to fess up to my fear of technology -- but I have to come clean. I do not like it. It scares me.

I just want to relax, to feel better, to sleep well. I'm tired of feeling exhausted all day. I want my energy back. Just to make sure my diet is not playing into all this, I will be contacting my nutritionist to get her input. That could be a factor too. Who knows. But something has to give.

Combating "Stress Eating"

Before starting Optifast, I never looked closely enough at my eating behavior when I encountered highly stressful situations. What I did was eat -- desperately trying to manage my feelings and the whirlwind of negative thoughts with something very unhealthy, like a Big Mac from McDonald's or a box of rich chocolates or numerous bowls of cereal. Of course, this was just a temporary "fix" and the stress never went away. I wished it would, but it didn't. And I just ended up fatter.

I only began to wise up to this nasty stress eating creature when I was in the middle of my Optifast program. I had some extremely stressful months at work last Fall, as we prepared for a very large event we have every year in mid-November. I would come home at night, exhausted, and suddenly get hit with overwhelming cravings. I wanted to attack my husband's food. I wanted to creep out and stuff my face with as much fast food I could find, gobbling it up at top speed before I got home, so my husband wouldn't notice. I just wanted the stress to go away -- it was so uncomfortable and upsetting. It hurt. I hurt.

No, I did not break the fast that Fall, and no, when I encountered extreme work-related stress over the past few days, I did not stress eat either. How did I do it? I used the "Four Ds" our clinic emphasizes over and over again:

1. Delay -- the craving will pass.
2. Do something else. Take a walk, make the bed, clean the house, write a blog entry, whatever.
3. Drink extreme temperature non-calorie liquid (i.e. hot tea or iced tea/ice water).
4. Deep breath. In my case, I just squeeze my eyes shut and take long, deep breaths, listening to the air go in and out.

To maintain my weight (or to get to goal), the stress eating monster needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. Easier said than done, but we can do it if we put our minds to it and proactively take necessary steps. I can tell you in my case, implementing the "Four Ds" works -- very well. So does talking about it with my therapist, my husband and my Facebook Optifast Chat Support group. The forces rally when you need them most. It's a beautiful thing and I treasure it deeply.

Now that things have stabilized for me after a rough two days at work, I am so, so grateful that I did not go on some out of control binge. I handled the situation wisely and methodically. You can do this too, and feel the same sense of "relief" when the crisis passes. Most importantly, go easy on yourself. We are human. And remember we are strong and can overcome any obstacle thrown in our way. I am remembering to be patient, and nurture myself. That is helping me too.

Keep that Stress Monster in his cage, where he belongs. We've got tools to keep him incarcerated for a long, long time. Which is great. No parole for him. Serves him right! Have a great, stress-free day everyone. Thank God It's Friday. Bring on the weekend!

It's Not About Clothing Size!

An "ideal" mannequin?

I had a wonderful time at the department store clothes shopping the other day. I have held back on purchasing nicer clothes because I did not know which size I would ultimately settle into, and I'm frugal and didn't want to waste a lot of money. As I was losing weight, I primarily went to Walmart or Target (and occasionally the thrift store). But I'm really feeling comfortable with my body at this juncture and I figured it was time to make an "investment" in some much nicer things.

The first thing I had to ascertain was my size. Now, as we know, designers size their clothes differently i.e. one may label something size 10, but it's actually closer to a size 12, the other may have garments sized at 14, but they really fit like a size 12. So that makes it complicated when you are trying to figure out what your size actually is, and why I try not to say, "I'm size so and so." But for our purposes in this post, I'll just ballpark it: As of now, as far as slacks go, I fit very comfortably in a size 12. In tops and sweaters, I'm a size large.

You most likely want to know what size I was before I started the Optifast program. As far as department store clothing goes, I was in the women's section purchasing size 2x, and I even had a few things in size 3x. I believe 2x translates into size 24, but I'm not sure. I get confused by all the numbers. Regardless, it's quite obvious I have shrunk considerably, and I'm now meandering through the "normal" sized clothing section at the department store.

At 5'6 inches, some might wonder if I should be in a smaller size to be at an "ideal" weight. But I really caution folks from drawing that conclusion. Here's why: I am that classic "big-boned" person. I know this term is flung around all the time, but it really is true. I have wide hips, and, how do I describe this, just big bones! There is really not a lot of body fat on me now, but my bone structure hasn't changed, obviously. Also, I have a "sway" back, which means my butt sticks out a little bit (which my husband loves) and that necessitates buying larger pants but having the waist altered.

I also want everyone to remember that the "average" size for American women is a size 14. It used to be a size 12, but I believe it has changed recently. This means some folks will be smaller, some will be larger, but most fall into the size 12-14 range. Now, this doesn't take into account petites, or those on the tall side. So this brings us to the core question: Should we really give a damn about clothing size at all? And I say, No!

I embarked on the Optifast program basically to achieve two things: a healthy BMI and a normal percentage of body fat. My cholesterol has always been on the higher side because of genetics, but that was important to me as well. My blood pressure has always been excellent, and remains so to this day. But I was in trouble with the BMI and body fat when I started. At the GEM I had in January, my body fat was 25%. The "ideal" would be 22%, but we are very satisfied with where it is. Goal accomplished. And the upshot: Melissa is a size 12.

I have no idea what I would look like at a size 10, 8 or 6. Healthy? Who knows. Proportionate? I have no idea. Some people my height could look just fine in those smaller sizes. But me, in my opinion, I look healthy and dare I say it -- I look good! Come to think of it, I was always a size 12 for as long as I remember. In my teens, throughout my 20s, when I got married at age 34. Even when I worked out 5 days a week. It never changed. I'm a size 12. And folks, most importantly, I'm happy and at peace with it.

I guess I would say that, like the scale, try not to get too wrapped up in the "numbers." You've seen me struggle so much with the scale. I'm much, much better with the clothing size. We've got to ease up on ourselves. Not push ourselves to get to some ridiculous number that is not healthy for us, we cannot maintain, and is ultimately where we don't belong anyway. In my experience, you'll settle quite comfortably in a place that is good for you.

I am Melissa. Not Melissa, 157 lbs., size 12. This is what I try to remember. Numbers. Ah, how annoying. Yes, we need you, but oh, you can hold so much power over us. But in my clothing closet, I have no problem ignoring you. And that, my friends, is so liberating!

When Your Eyes Are Bigger Than Your Stomach

I over-did it last night. My husband and I went out to dinner, as planned, and I selected an Italian restaurant. Why? Well, I haven't had real pasta in a long, long time -- in almost a year, actually -- and I was craving it. I didn't think about how this might affect my system. I let my desire to indulge in something I had considered a no-no override my common sense. I thought, because I have been diligently watching what I eat and maintaining my target weight, it would be okay to deviate just this once. And watching portion size? Oh, I didn't have to fuss with that. Not this time.

Big mistake.

I polished off my entire plate, had a rich dessert, and when I was done started to feel sick. My stomach was in pain. I didn't want to be the one driving the car home, I just wanted to slump in the passenger seat. But my husband had a glass of wine, so I had to. When I got home, I had two Tums, a scoopful of Benefiber in a cup of tea, and a few hours later, a small mixture of some Fiber One cereal and yogurt. I remained very uncomfortable all night, and it's still lingering this morning. My body just can't handle this rich food anymore. This I learned the hard way.

It was a classic case of "my eyes being bigger than my stomach." I dare say, my stomach has shrunk considerably from the Optifast program. Before I started, I could stuff a fairly big quantity of food -- any kind from double cheeseburgers to cheesy chicken Cordon Bleu -- in my gut and have plenty of room for some decadent dessert. But not anymore. I also have to completely rethink what I can eat, order more "clean" things, and from yesterday's experience, curtail portion size to something reasonable. I don't think I'll be having Italian again for quite some time.

I am slowly coming to the understanding that what I crave, what I indulged in voraciously in the past, is not going to work for me anymore. I need to be looking for dishes on the menu that go easy on my stomach, and even more importantly, learn to leave a little bit left on my plate. Eat not to fullness definitely is a mantra I must embrace now. I am also seeing that those annoying cravings continue to plague me in maintenance. I shouldn't be surprised. It's not like they would magically disappear once I reached goal. Oh no, they are lurking below the surface. Waiting to pounce.

I'm going to resume my new eating routine immediately. It's St. Patrick's Day, and my husband is half-Irish, so I'll be cooking corned beef and cabbage and his favorite soda bread. But I'm not having any of that. Not one bite. It doesn't work for me anymore. Yes, I can still have the joy of cooking a fabulous feast for him -- something I love to do. But eating it myself is just not for me right now. And I'm glad.

When it comes time for you to move into maintenance, there is a good chance you will find as I have that your stomach cannot handle things that never caused you problems in the past. There's an upside to this to be sure. But that does not mean you won't want it. Oh, far from it. But we need to take it easy and do some serious planning as to what we put in our bodies. Believe me, your stomach will thank you for it. Bring on my oatmeal, low-sodium turkey, simple fish, and salads. My "new normal." Tummy aches be gone!

The Turtle And The Hare

My heart always goes out to those who begin the Optifast program thinking they will lose a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time, only to find they are losing their weight much more slowly than they anticipated. We've got a few people in my clinic and on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support board struggling with this right now.

Oh, do I understand this, because as you know, I went through this myself and I am all too aware of the frustration this causes. I wanted to quit the program my second week, when I found I lost nothing. Of course, I'm glad I didn't. But seeing that scale not budge that initial week was so deflating. I had worked so hard to be compliant, and I was on an Optifast 70/800 combo plan that limited my daily caloric intake to 640 calories. Why wasn't the scale moving -- dramatically? It wasn't fair.

But let me remind those painfully struggling with a slow loss rate of the classic story of the race between the turtle and the hare. The hare was swift, whereas the turtle was slow. When the race started, the hare immediately took the lead, and it looked as if he would easily win the contest. The turtle moved slowly, plodding along at a very slow pace, whereas the hare moved quickly, in leaps and bounds. It seemed like a no-brainer that the hare would win. But he did not. The turtle did. And so comes the phrase we all know so well: "Slow and steady wins the race."

Many have argued -- and in some respects I agree with them -- that those losing, say one or two pounds a week have a far greater success rate in keeping their weight off for the long haul. In my case, I lost an average of 2.2 lbs. a week, which would put me in that group. Now, I wouldn't classify myself as a "success" just yet. I'm barely into maintenance and I've got years ahead of me. Will I keep the weight off? Honestly, at this point in time I don't know.

But I do know this: My slow loss rate gave me the opportunity to fully engross myself in research and reading about weight management; to attend numerous Optifast clinic classes outlining maintenance strategies, exercise fundamentals, and the tools to manage emotional/behavioral eating habits; and to engage in numerous discussions with the outstanding nutritionists about the things I need to do to keep my weight off for good. I was handed the time to absorb everything I could, to take full advantage of everything the clinic offered. This was and is critical.  

I know when you are in the midst of the program, and struggling with disappointing weigh-ins, it's difficult to keep this in mind. But I urge you to not forget the turtle and the hare. That tale is so popular, so wise for a reason. It's true. Hang in there and don't give up. Shake by shake, soup by soup, bar by bar, you will get to goal. I promise! Slow and steady. Oftentimes, it's the best way to be.

Believe In Yourself Melissa!

I'm going to deviate a little bit this morning from my normal reflections about the Optifast program and my struggles with various "obsessions" and what not. I had a difficult encounter with a colleague at work yesterday, and that always gets me rattled because I like things to run smoothly in the workplace, with no conflicts and criticisms and micro-managing -- basically, I want everyone to "get along" and as we all know, that's pretty much impossible when you throw a bunch of different personalities together and expect them to "play nice." In my case, I want everyone to like me, and as my therapist says, that's just not possible. And this person doesn't like me. So I need to accept that and move on.

What's interesting -- maybe hurtful? -- to me is this person has not said one nice thing to me, not one nice thing to me, about my weight loss. No "You look great" or "Congrats on getting the weight off!" or "I'm proud of you." Sure, maybe it's awkward for her, or she thinks I'm a nutcase for doing Optifast (probably the real reason), or maybe she's jealous. Oh, I don't know, and in the big picture, I shouldn't give a damn what she thinks. But folks, I work in an office with only five people and I've lost 80 lbs. -- 80 lbs.! -- and it's pretty hard to not notice. I'm showered with compliments everywhere I go. Oh, but not from this person. And that hurts.

My therapist is helping me with my self esteem problem, and we've spent a lot of time working on things I can do to be "respectfully assertive" when people start to upset me, instead of just stuffing my feelings and internalizing all my frustration. It's been a very slow-going process. He constantly reinforces that I'm a very kind, caring, compassionate person, highly intelligent and skilled, a "jewel" for any workplace. I want to believe him, it's just hard to think of myself that way. I'm my own worst critic, and it's been that way for most of my life. This is hard to unravel. But I'm working on it.

I am going to try to tell myself today, "Melissa, you are awesome!" and people love you. I am going to go in to the office with a smile on my face, knowing today is Friday and the weekend is almost here. I can rest a little more and my husband and I didn't go out to dinner on Wednesday, so we are stepping out tomorrow night. The sun is out today and that always puts me in a good mood. I can handle anything thrown my way. Seize the day, I will. A special thanks to my friends on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support board who really gave me great encouragement last night. I feel very loved today. Which is wonderful. Thanks!

Laughter IS The Best Medicine

I am chuckling right now, thinking about yesterday afternoon. I was weighed on three scales -- yes three scales -- all within 1 1/2 hours. And of course you know the upshot: all of the numbers were different. This makes me laugh and laugh, because I have been so obsessed with the scale, so wrapped up in the numbers, and here we have a beautiful example of why this is utter nonsense and a complete waste of time. Which number is correct? One must be "right" and two must be "wrong." Right? Right?

Here's how it played out: I had my thyroid doctor appointment at 2:30 p.m. So before I left, I weighed myself at home at 2:00 p.m. and it said 159 lbs. At the doctor's office, I weighed in at 2:30 p.m. also at 159 lbs. But my doctor told me he set his scale two pounds over someone's true weight, so I actually weighed 157 lbs. He then said throw out my scale, buy a belt, and if, over time, I find I need fewer notches, then go on a diet. It was then I first started laughing.

Next came the clinic scale at 3:30 p.m. I stepped on and it registered 161 lbs. At this point, I was completely unfazed, and could see so clearly how ridiculous I have been over these past weeks. Yes, I need to keep an eye on my weight to make sure it doesn't creep up and ultimately get out of control. But trying to pinpoint an exact number and hold there is one hair short of insanity.

(Now, I am working with my nutritionist, Millie, on a wonderful eating plan that is actually keeping me on target with the weight I am comfortable with -- a few pounds under my goal of 160 lbs. I'll be discussing it in a later post, as it is still very new to me and I am learning the ropes.)

Right now, it is true that my anxiety doesn't flare up if I stay dead even on the same number every day. It's the certainty of it that makes me comfortable, allows me to relax. I guess, too, that I avoided scales for so long that this new "relationship," for lack of a better word, is strange and foreign to me. I'm fumbling along, trying to figure this whole thing out, and as you know, I've been pretty stressed out by it all. But I am learning, and things are getting easier with time.

Where I'm hoping to be is the point where I can have an acceptable range -- say, 157 lbs.-162 lbs. -- a five-pound "spread" that makes me feel comfortable. I think, no, I know I can get there. I just need to be patient and think positively. I'm also finding solace in my thinking that I am not the only one struggling with the scale and the numbers. There just has to be others who have lost a significant amount of weight, are afraid of gaining it back, and subsequently get nervous when they step on the scale. It's completely understandable. Fear underlies a heck of a lot of things.

So tonight I laugh, and it feels really good. Physically, I feel better too. I'm on the mend from the terrible cold. I hope you find some time to laugh too. It is indeed wonderful "medicine." The kind I'm happy to take!

Cold, Cold Go Away!

Well, perhaps I spoke too soon about this cold going away. Woke up very early this morning coughing terribly, and my chest hurts, and my husband basically kicked me out of bed so he could sleep. I'm amazed he hasn't come down with this yet. In time...in time! Fortunately, I work in a wonderful, small office and my boss is very understanding when it comes to needing time off. There are just five of us there, and when one person gets sick, everyone gets sick, so he prefers we just "stay away" until we are better. In fact, one of my colleagues is also out sick, and I think/know he is the one who gave me this virus!  So I just called in and left a message that I will be staying home again today.

I have been successful staying away from the scale at night, and I am easing up a little bit as far as worry about weight gain goes. I am still inputting everything I eat in MyFitnessPal. I'm over my calorie limit, my sodium is jacked up and I'm over the allowable amount from the soup I am having (even though it is low-sodium), and I'm exceeding the sugar limit due to all the fruit I am having. But I am not letting that bother me right now. I have to treat this cold, and I'm doing it the right way. I'll be weighing in at the clinic this afternoon and I'll be with Millie, so she'll be able to assist if I get nervous. Plus I'm sure she'll have some more recipe suggestions that can help me combat the virus. So that's good.

I started reading Jen Larsen's "Stranger Here" last night. I'm a quick reader, so I have already finished Part One, which chronicles the events leading up to her bariatric surgery. It concludes with her completion of the surgery. I'm eager to get on with Part Two, because that's where the "emotional chaos" really gets going. I'm hoping I can find some things I can relate to. I'll hold off describing what happens in the book for those who have not read it yet. I'll just say I'm really glad I bought it, and I can see a few parallels in our situations, even though she went the surgery route and I went the Optifast route. I'll admit I don't know much about surgical procedures for weight loss, so it's interesting to learn more about it.

My plan today is to get some sleep, do some more reading, go see my thyroid doctor, then go to the clinic. I think I am going to beg off from cooking tonight. I need a break. There's a local restaurant my husband and I go to frequently and I may have him take me there. This sounds like a good plan. Have a great day everyone. And stay well!

Screwing My Head On Straight

"Stranger Here" by Jen Larsen

I received a message this evening from my Facebook friend, Katie, who was very worried about me after reading my last post. I assured her that I am much, much better today, not only physically but more importantly, mentally. As you know, I've been quite candid here about my budding obsession with the scale; my fear of gaining weight; my nervousness over exceeding my calorie limit for the day; just a host of things that I have never had "plague" me before. I believe in being honest about my situation, and I know I am not the only one who has dealt with these problems after losing a significant amount of weight.

I want everyone to know that I am actively involved in talk therapy, and I definitely encourage anyone wrestling with these demons and others to do so themselves. I will not let them get the best of me -- I can assure you of that. In this case, awareness, early on, is half the battle. Next comes swift, proactive steps to nip the problem in the bud. I actually believe in a "team" approach to my situation: working with my therapist; my nutritionist on my diet; my doctor; and of course relying on family and friends for support. When you gather these individuals around you, you can get at the issue from different angles. And that leads to successful problem resolution.

Today I received a copy of a highly-praised book that was just published: "Stranger Here" by Jen Larsen. I cannot wait to read it. It is described on the back cover as the "brutally honest, surprisingly hilarious story of one woman's journey from one extreme of the weight spectrum to the other, and of the unexpected emotional chaos it created." All I had to see was "unexpected emotional chaos" and I was hooked! Although I have not read the book yet, I think it's something you might consider reading if you are going through an Optifast program to lose a significant amount of weight. We do change -- not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. And for me, particularly because I have never dieted before, I am now dealing with a host of issues I never anticipated when I started.

So I am feeling stronger today, and of course moving ahead. I see my thyroid doctor tomorrow, then I go to the clinic to meet with my nutritionist, get weighed and attend class. I'm looking forward to it. Actually, I always enjoy my time at the clinic! Thank you friends for your care and concern. Together we can do this!

My Shining Knight

Well I decided not to go to work today. I fell back asleep, and woke up distraught and I called my husband in tears, worried that I would become an anorexic. He came right home at lunch, bringing me Progresso Lentil soup and some whole grain wheat bread and a big bag of grapes. He made me a big grilled cheese sandwich and we split the soup. My husband rarely prepares food -- that's my area -- but he did a great job and it was wonderful to be the one doing the eating versus the cooking. Nice change of pace.

I have decided I am not using MyFitnessPal today, I am going to put the scale in the closet, so it is out of sight (my mother's suggestion), and refrain from weighing myself until two days from now when I go to the clinic. I am going to eat as healthy as I can, but up my portion sizes until my body heals from this cold. End of story. My mother has also gently suggested I ease back a bit from the computer -- I am getting very highly strung and wound so tight about maintenance and she wants me to try and relax. However, I've been so attached to it for so long that it's hard to step away. I've been conversing about Optifast and weight and eating and emotions for almost a year now. So I may not follow that particular piece of advice.

I know I will get better soon. This current illness will be a blip on the radar screen. I just need rest, proper nutrition, lots of liquids, and lots of hugs from my husband. And that I have. Baby steps. Baby steps.

It's About My Health

Dear readers, I am so sick and getting worse. Nasty viruses have been invading the U.S. this year, and I've got one now. I thought I "dodged the bullet" this winter -- and I firmly believe the Optifast products boosted my immunity -- but I've got something now and it's really taking root. There is a very old saying: "Feed a cold, starve the flu." My husband reminded me of that, and has been telling me to eat all weekend. But I am so frightened of gaining weight and I just can't push through this. So I'm scared and not sure what to do.

I just emailed my nutritionist and I am waiting for her to get back to me. It's very, very early here, so I need to be patient. I am going to have my oatmeal and increase the amount I normally have. I am also going to have a whole grapefruit and two oranges. I must sound like a freak to some of you. I guess I'm embarrassed and wish I were some "normal" person. Some may find my situation a great example of why Optifast screws with your head -- but I caution everyone from drawing that conclusion. This is not Optifast. This is Melissa and some obsessive-compulsive behavior that has developed. Also, my latent perfectionism has been stoked and is rearing up with a vengeance. And I've got an anxiety problem and that is contributing to all of this.

It may be time for my husband to hide the scale for awhile. It's been in the back of my head for a long time. I keep promising myself I will only weigh once a week at the clinic, and then there I go, getting on it every night and every morning. It's messing with my head, my peace of mind. He is sleeping right now, so I can't have him do it just yet. But maybe I'll ask before he leaves for work. Okay, I'm going to have my breakfast. I'll check back in later.

Unpacking Your Emotional Suitcase

Warning: I'm "feisty" this morning because I've been cooped up all weekend, and the dogs got me up early AGAIN, so I'm now wired on coffee and cranky about my cold. Yes, it's moving through me and it should be gone for good soon, but my whole weekend has been ruined by it. And that makes me mad!

I got a little bit frustrated with the Facebook Optifast Chat Support board last night. Oh, it happens sometimes, and it's inevitable when you are dealing with electronic communication versus face-to-face. In fact, some things people say could be flat out lies, for all I know. I'm completely honest, but that doesn't mean everyone else is. When you "hide" behind a computer screen, you can be whoever you want and say whatever you want. That's clearly an option. And some take advantage of it. As far as why they do it, I'm too tired to figure that out right now. Besides, I have other things I want to discuss.

I want everyone to know that yes, my obesity was tied to medical issues (Graves Disease -- thyroid malfunction) and medications I must take, but that was only part of the equation. I ate -- and I ate and I ate and I ate. And I never exercised. I have to "own" this, because if I don't, I might as well have taken a match to all the cash I spent on Optifast. It would give me the same result. The weight loss is Gone in Sixty Seconds. Up in smoke.

There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that if you do not accept you are an over-eater and then devote a good deal of time learning why you overeat, you are going to struggle with obesity for a long, long time. In my opinion, you need to go deep, pushing way beyond "I love food" and into the scary, perhaps very painful place of emotions. I think about it as an "emotional suitcase" I have been carrying around, and I'm getting tired, so I need to lay it on the bed, unzip it, and lighten the load. But I've been carrying it so long that I don't know what's in there. Something smelling like rotten food, for all I know. I'm scared. But it has to be done.

And this is where a good therapist steps into the picture. I don't have to unpack my suitcase alone. I'm so tired I don't think I can unpack it alone.  My clinic provides a list of excellent psychologists in the area that specialize in eating disorders. Personally, I think they should go a step farther and bring a psychologist on staff. Their success rate would probably double. If you are obese and not seeing a psychologist, I urge you to do so. As soon as possible. The strategic value of this investment is immeasurable. Put your fears aside, make the appointment, and go.

The Optifast products and the weight loss they bring about are not the sole solution to your obesity. Far, far from it. Much more work is required. At least in my case. Now, you could be different. There may not be an emotional relationship between food and yourself. But I'm guessing for a vast majority of obese individuals, something deep and painful is going on inside. And it's time to work through that, and let it go.

Remember baby steps -- this doesn't happen overnight. Take it slow, moving at a speed you find comfortable. I hope you'll follow this advice to see a therapist. It may be some of the best I have given to date.

No Regrets!

The Evil Eye

Even though I'm sick, I had to go to the grocery store, and I unfortunately encountered an Optifast "naysayer." I guess I shouldn't be surprised. They are out there, and there's nothing I can say or do to convince them that it was a great program for me, and I was medically supervised, and I am now armed with the information I need to lead a healthy, happy life. In the past, I was sometimes embarrassed that I was doing the program, didn't want people knowing, and would just talk to family, clinic friends and Internet compatriots about it. But I have decided I am not going to let this person's comments upset me. I need to be feeling good about myself, proud of what I have accomplished, and confident about my choices. There should be no shame in doing Optifast.

But yes, I'll get honest. I did go into the store feeling very good about myself, and came out feeling deflated. I've always struggled with a low self-esteem, and there are lots of reasons for it. I'm in therapy, in part, because of it. I allowed this person's judgement to hold sway over my opinion of myself. I handed the power right over to them. And I hate it when I do this. I worked my tail off to successfully complete my program. It wasn't easy. Actually, it was extremely frustrating at times and sometimes very difficult. But I made it. And I'm slowly -- oh so slowly -- getting into the groove of maintenance. The clinic is proud of me, my husband is so proud of me, my online friends are proud of me.

So why am I sitting here feeling crappy about myself?

Well, I need to go back to what my therapist and people in various support groups have told me. This person has the problem, not me. Who knows what's behind it. Probably a host of things. Jealousy probably ranks right up there at the top. I don't understand that nasty monster so much, because I tend to focus on picking myself apart, not others. I just don't engage in that, it's foreign to me. I try to always be positive, and complimentary and supportive when I can. Maybe I'm "too nice." But it's just the way I'm wired, and I guess I owe deep thanks to my parents. Who knows.

Now, I can spend a good deal of time trying to analyze why this person wanted to bring me down (which is a knee-jerk reaction of mine), or I can dismiss the hurtful comments and go about my day. Cold aside, today I look great, I feel great. I wish I could say I "love me" but I'm still working on that. I'll get there -- someday. This is my time to shine. I've earned it. No apologies, no regrets, Melissa. Be proud of yourself. Many, many others are proud of you. Join them. No regrets!

 

Ah-Choo!

Well, I have picked up a cold. Yuck! My body is achy, and my throat is so sore, my nose is running and I have a slight pain in my chest. Classic signs my body has been "invaded." Great. You know, when I was Optifasting, I never got a cold or the flu. Not once. I felt great, for the most part -- except when my sodium level got too low, but we fixed that with the addition of a daily pickle. No, I was never sick. And now...pass the Kleenex!

I've got everything set up on a table next to me: box of tissue, bag of sugar-free Halls cough drops, mug of hot tea, and a Limonata drink I made, on the advice of my nutritionist, Millie. The recipe is easy (and the drink will keep you in ketosis if you are fasting):

HOMEMADE LIMONATA
1 lemon
Sparkling mineral water (i.e. San Pellegrino)
1 tsp. sugar substitute (i.e. Splenda or Truvia)

Cut lemon in half and squeeze into glass of mineral water. Drop lemon in glass, add 1 tsp. sugar and stir.

In addition to the Limonata, Millie told me to have two other sources of citrus per day: a clementine and 1/2 grapefruit. I can't find the clementines, so I got some small mandarin oranges. I'm not a big fan of grapefruit, but I had my husband pick some up for me anyway. I can get it down at breakfast.

Of course one of the best things to do is sleep. Colds have to run their course, after all. So I've bundled myself up in a flannel nightgown and thick socks, and I'm going to go back up to bed shortly. Oh, how I do hate being sick! I hope this passes soon. The weather is starting to get nicer and I want to be outside. Oh well. I'll get over this soon and be back up on my feet. Well, back up to bed I go. Nighty nite!
  

How Did I Do It?

I was putting away the dishes yesterday, and I opened the cabinet where I keep my Optifast products -- the shakes and soups -- and my extracts and sugar-free Jello and shaker bottle. And I stopped for a moment and asked myself, "Melissa, how in the world did you do this for 9 1/2 months?!" Then I thought about the weekly weigh-ins, and how slowly I lost my weight, and avoiding the restaurants and social gatherings for a long, long time. I did what I had to do, and it worked, but it was indeed a long haul.

Honestly, there are times when I have no idea how I was able to hang in with the full fast for so long. Temptation was everywhere -- heck, I was cooking full-tilt gourmet food for my husband every night! I got tired of the bi-weekly blood draws, sick of shopping for smaller clothes (if you can believe it!), upset with the random cravings, frustrated with exercising. Yet something carried me through. I think it was deep, deep inside me. Day by day, I kept going, pound by pound, inch by inch, I kept losing. I think I tried to always keep a positive outlook on things. There would be an end of the tunnel. I would feel a great sense of accomplishment. My body would thank me. I would be "right-sized" again. The benefits clearly outweighed the costs. So I faithfully stayed the course.

Time did indeed start to fly by. March 23 will mark one year that I have been enrolled in the Optifast program, and frankly, I have no idea where the time went. Now, this could be because I am older. I have found with each passing year, time just whizzes by. But it is indeed true that the months started "melting" into one another, and the days racked up, and then, there it was: Eighty pounds gone. At last.

I mentioned on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page today that one of the benefits of being on Optifast and losing your weight slowly is, with food removed completely from the equation, you are able to devote a significant amount of time researching and reading and talking and listening about the things you need to do to maintain your goal weight. I had countless sessions with the dietitians, and attended many classes on weight management, plus had a chance to make wonderful friendships -- both at the clinic and online -- with others going through the program. All of this is helping me with maintenance. I know I've just started on this new phase of my journey, but I feel well-prepared because I had time to get the "tools" I need to keep this weight off for good.

It took years to become obese, and less than a year to get healthy again. But my journey is not over. Far, far from it. As you know, I still keep very, very close to the clinic, weighing in there once a week, attending class, seeing the dietitian. Keeping in touch with other patients I have met. I like inspiring those who are just starting the program. Helping them helps me too. I hope my patience and persistence might inspire others to stay the course -- it feels wonderful when you reach the finish line, and I want everyone to experience that.

So I guess I was able to reach goal due to a number of factors. It's multi-faceted. But I did it. Today I am going to move my Optifast "supplies" to a higher cupboard. I don't need them in arm's reach now. No, I am not going to throw them away just yet. It's like my old clothes that no longer fit anymore -- I was hesitant to get rid of them because what if I might need them some day? But I think eventually I may be able to let the products go. We'll see. That's a new goal. Thank you Optifast. You worked, I worked and we made it. Now as for maintaining...onward we go!

New Body, New Hair!

Well, I have gone and done it -- crept into the salon yesterday and let David do his handiwork. The result? I've got bangs and I'm blonde! My husband is thrilled and I am actually quite pleased myself. It's a dramatic departure from the previous me. I have naturally brown hair, and I had some highlights in there, but this is a full highlight job. Watch out for the new Melissa!

I was very, very happy when David told me he has seen Optifast hair loss before. He assured me that I still have hair and no bald spots and it will thicken back up in time. I asked about vitamins/supplements and Nioxin (they sell the salon-grade, high quality stuff) and he actually told me to just take prenatal vitamins! He didn't think the Nioxin kit they sell (which is expensive) was necessary, so I am just going to stick with my grocery store version.

Now, I ran the prenatal vitamin suggestion past by my dietitian later in the day, and she said yes, prenatals are very highly concentrated, but she wants me sticking with the Biotin. She doesn't want my iron levels too high. So I am continuing with 1,000/mg Biotin a day. I think I mentioned previously that I am seeing new hair growth -- it's amazing, actually. So this is working. (Obviously, the food is helping too!)

I'm "toying" with the idea of sneaking over to the department store after work and looking at some new clothes. I think I've dropped from a size 12 to a size 10, and I need to see if that's true. I feel more comfortable buying nicer clothes now because I've been holding pretty darn steady at 157 lbs. thanks to MyFitnessPal food tracker -- that thing really works! I'm blown away at how rarely my weight fluctuates these days. That really calms my anxiety, which flares up every now and then.

However, I am having problems psychologically when I exceed that MyFitnessPal recommended daily calorie intake for me (1,460 calories a day), but I'm working through it with the help of my friends on the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page and the clinic. I hate that red number with the minus sign in front of it that indicates you are over what you are allowed. It freaks me out and makes me think I am going to gain weight, get out of control, and end up right back where I started.

I know this is all in my head, but I'm now wired this way. I just put too much damn time and effort -- and had to exert the patience of Job -- to get the 80 lbs. off. I spent an incredible amount of money. And I am all too familiar with the odds that most will gain their weight right back. Constant vigilance is the key for me right now. I have to have it this way, because left to my own devices, slippage starts and it's off to the races. Also, in my case, weight loss is very, very difficult and a slow-going process. So it worries me.

I think in time, as I get more and more comfortable and more and more experienced in this maintenance game, things will get better for me. I'm feeling optimistic. The new hairstyle makes me feel all the more confident too. I'll get the hang of this. As they say, One Day At A Time!  

Tricks Of The Trade: Cups, Bowls & Spoons

At the clinic, the wonderful dietitians always tell us they are "Obsessed -- With Your Success!" Millie makes a point of telling us that we are actively being "brainwashed" and that always makes me laugh. They are brainwashing us in a good way, teaching us weight management tips and then going over them "relentlessly." It's a great strategy, actually, because many of the things they teach about good nutrition and exercise are now firmly rooted in my head.

Being a cook, I get very intrigued by recipe suggestions, yes, but also by the gadgets and utensils and whatnot that they tell us we should always have in our kitchens -- sometimes in plain sight, if you're having problems remembering to use them. In particular, I am talking about measuring cups, measuring spoons, small bowls and plates, small eating spoons, and I'm going to add smaller forks. Millie has brought in examples of everything we must have.

On measuring, before I started Optifast, it wasn't exactly high on my list, particularly when it came to meat/chicken/fish/pork, mayo, olive oil, butter, etc. On the meat, I  used to just go to the market, point out to the butcher what I wanted, have it wrapped up, and take it home and eat it. I might order at the deli counter, say, 1 lb. of sliced deli meat, and then just shove some into a white bread sandwich, with no idea how much I was putting in there, and then slather mayo on it. I did this for years and years -- heck, my whole life. I "eyeballed" everything, and indeed when I cook for my husband, I'm at the point where I sometimes don't rely on measuring spoons or cups at all. Everything is done by taste. So now that I have to really, really closely monitor what I eat, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. But you have to start somewhere.

I have now started measuring everything -- and I mean everything -- that I eat. Subsequently, my portions are much, much smaller now, and I immediately noticed this when I saw it in my bowl. It made me want more. But then I remembered what Millie said about having smaller bowls and plates. So I did a little rummaging in my kitchen, and found that I actually had some. And where are they from? The thrift store! Had I been using them? No!

If you go to Target or Walmart (or any chain like that) or even a department store (where my normal set is from), take a look at the size of those bowls. They are huge! So are the plates. Back in the good old days, everything was "right-sized" -- and understandably, obesity rates in the U.S. were much lower. At the thrift store, you are going to find those small bowls and smaller plates. Sure, some are in bad shape, but the ones I found are beautiful and in great shape. I went back recently to get the smaller spoons. Those are critical. I am "forced" to take smaller bites, and that slows me down. Left to my own devices, I'm a speed demon when it comes to eating. I already have smaller forks so that's covered. They slow me down too.

I don't necessarily believe we have to religiously measure for the rest of our lives -- rather, we will reach a point where we can "eyeball" pretty accurately. But certainly at this early stage, I am not taking any chances. However, the smaller bowls, plates and utensils will be a mainstay for me. I'll simply have two sets in the house. Which is no problem. You gotta do what you gotta do to stay on track.

I encourage you to follow this advice from my clinic. From my experience so far, it really works. My weight is holding nice and steady -- I may go a pound or two up or a pound or two down, depending on the day. But for the most part, I remain on average where I want to be: 157 lbs. (a few pounds under my 160 lb. goal). So I'm very pleased right now. Which is great. So pop into a thrift store the next time you see one. It's worth a look. You'll be glad you did!

Back To The Hair, Again

Well, I've been putting it off for months -- way too long, I might add -- but I've got to face it: My roots have to be highlighted and I need a haircut. Period. So I've made an appointment and I'm scheduled for two days from now. I'm absolutely petrified about what my stylist is going to say, actually what my stylist is going to do to help me "fix" this thin-ed out hair problem. In a prior post I noted that after my last visit to the salon, I washed my hair the next morning and found a good deal of it was gone. I just can't go through that again.

The Biotin I am taking every morning is helping -- I can see hairs growing back. But there's no denying the fact that I've lost a good deal of my hair. I'm not bald by any stretch, but I really notice it. I am wondering if I should have it cut in a special way. Right now it is all one length and I primarily wear it up. Perhaps my stylist can cut some bangs or layers in...oh, I don't know. I'll just let him assess the damage and proceed as he may. Fortunately, I have been going to see him for years and he knows my hair very well. And I'm sure he has clients with ultra-fine hair. I'm not the first one. We'll just face the problem "head on" (pun intended) and take care of it.

Looking back, I do wish I had started in on the Biotin from the very beginning. If you have not started Optifast yet, or have just begun your Optifast journey, get this vitamin as soon as possible and start taking no more than 2,000 mg/day. Ask your clinic for other suggestions -- they may have some other things to try. Now, I don't want to scare you or freak you out. Never forget we are all different and our bodies respond differently to the products. Just because I am having this problem doesn't mean you will. Talk with your clinic, maybe talk with your stylist to get tips and advice on how to manage the possibility of hair loss. Be prepared, whether it ultimately happens or not.

Of course, I'll update you on how everything goes. I'll even "submit" to a picture -- I'll have my husband take it. That is, if I'm not angry about the result (wink, wink). Yes, I'm nervous but this has to be done. It's way past due. So we'll see what happens. Fingers crossed!

Slippage...And The Scale

Grrrrr...

All right. We all have weaknesses. This is a part of life. Me, I have many weaknesses. And one stands out from the rest. It's really not complicated. If I am in a restaurant run by a chef who honestly knows how to cook, I'm a goner. Forget about online menus; forget about pre-planning; forget about politely saying "no thanks" when the chef herself walks around the room with a platter of "little bites" for everyone to try of new things she is testing out; forget about skipping a course; oh, just forget about it and go for it. All of it. That's what happened last night, and...hmmm...I'll be blunt: I loved every minute of it.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and torture those readers who are fasting right now with long-winded descriptions of culinary delights. That's just not fair, and if I were in that position, it would ruffle my feathers quite a bit. What I do want to explore is how I feel about the whole thing today -- the morning after. The time of reckoning, shall we say. Only one thing is going through my head right now. And you probably know what it is. No, it's really not complicated.

Did I gain any weight?

Folks, I am fighting tooth and nail, fighting like hell (pardon the language) to not get on that scale. I've been able to hold off for five hours. But I know, deep in my heart, I'll be facing it soon. I don't need to know, I have to know what "damage" was incurred -- and I hate that. You might not have the "scale obsession" but now I do. You better believe it. And I'm deeply, deeply concerned by this. This is something I really, truly wanted to avoid, but I'm honestly, openly admitting that I am now drawn to that stupid contraption like a magnet. And the concerning thing is if that number shows a gain, I panic; if that number shows a loss, I'm walking on air. I never, ever used to experience this. And I'm not a happy camper about it.

So I'm going to do a little experiment. I am going to set this laptop down and go upstairs to weigh. Then I'll come back and resume my typing. So hold on a minute...

Okay, I'm back now. The deed is done. The result? No gain. No loss. Dead. On. Even.

Well, let's think about this. How much time did I waste worrying about this? Oh, I'd say it started last night when we were driving home, continued on into the evening, was the first thing on my mind this morning at 4:00 a.m., continued to plague me for hours, and now I am feeling ... relaxed. No, I'm joyful. I "got away with it." Look at me! I can enjoy the day now! See, that number says so.

Of course, you can see where I am going with all this. I'm in a real "pickle" or maybe a "jam" -- whatever you want to call it. A jam made from pickles. The joy of the meal got eclipsed by the worry about weight gain. But now that everything's "okay" I can feel good about the meal. Will this eventually go away? Or will it be ever-present in my life now? I'm confused, worried, not sure where to turn. My husband, bless his heart, doesn't understand it. Heck, I don't really understand it. But I'm worried about it. That is the truth.

Will we be going back to the restaurant? You better believe it. It was that good. I'd wager a guess we'll be back in a month. Will I "surrender" to the menu and the chef? Oh, absolutely. That goes without saying. Will thoughts of the scale potentially ruin the meal? Probably. We'll see. I may have made some progress in this area. I'm going to try to. I'll continue to watch what I eat, and exercise as best I can, in the weeks building up to it. Plan for it. Because return we will. Guaranteed! As for that scale...oh, that dreaded scale. I don't know what to do with you. I'll just leave you alone. You can breathe easy. For now.

Preparing For Dinner Out

Well, tonight is shaping up to be a special one for us: My husband has purchased two tickets to a jazz show, and we have a reservation for dinner beforehand at an outstanding, highly-recommended restaurant. I like these dinners out because I get a blessed reprieve from cooking and I can see what other chefs are up to BUT this does create some challenges for those just-started on maintenance. I have to be very, very careful what I order and what's hard for me is to exercise control and only have a salad and an entree. I love appetizers, soups and desserts -- sampling all courses. But this must be a thing of the past, at least right now. I have great difficulty stopping after one bite. I want more, more, more and knowing this, I am going to follow this plan of attack:

1. I went on-line and looked at the entire menu. I identified what I want to have, but what I need to have. In other words, there is a salad loaded with gourmet cheese and a creamy dressing; then there is a simpler salad with an herbed vinaigrette and a sprinkling of parmesean cheese. Check. For the entrees, I am not going to provide a list because they are all over the top and to die for -- but there is an Amish chicken dish with root vegetables and sweet potato puree. In the past, I shunned all chicken dishes. Not tonight. Check again.

I am not even going to ask to see the dessert menu. My husband is on board and supporting me. I have my "special" yogurt concoction planned for when we get home. No fat plain Greek yogurt this time (dense and very creamy), a few chopped pecans (higher fat but so good), raspberries, and a Ghiradelli chocolate square broken into bits. That yumminess will be waiting for me when I get home.

2. I am going to eat something low-cal but filling before I leave. My eating day today is mapped out: I had oatmeal for breakfast; an Optifast 800 shake for lunch (yes, I did decide to have a product knowing I was going out); I will have a latte around 3:00 p.m.; and at 5:00 p.m. (our dinner reservation is at 6:00 p.m.) I will have roughly 1/2 cup 1 % milk fat no salt added cottage cheese with yellow grape tomatoes and dill. (IMPT. NOTE: I had been buying no fat cottage cheese. What I just realized the other day is it is absolutely loaded with sodium. I forgot to check the label! Do this religiously!)

3. I am going walking with my husband this afternoon. Yes, it's very cold outside, no, I don't want to go. But I am setting things up that we will walk throughout the neighborhood and into the park, then wind our way to the gourmet coffee shop where I will get my latte. My "treat" for a job well done. Sorta the "carrot/stick" approach.

4. I am going to have fun! No obsessing over every bite I have. No panicking, no guilt. I've earned this. And I plan to enjoy myself. I am not going to input what I eat into MyFitnessPal -- frankly, I have no idea how to input it because chefs use so many different oils and ingredients that it's just too complicated. I've got my breakfast, lunch, and snacks inputted but the dinner entry is blank. And I'm fine with that. Tonight I celebrate!

5. Tomorrow, if I have a gain, I'll pull back. I may drop back to a 1,200 calorie/day diet for a day or two. I'm also not going to forget that a gain might very well be water weight from an inevitable higher sodium intake from my dinner out. Again, no panicking. Stay calm, cool and collected. Everything is going to be alright.

And now -- it's off for a quick trip to the department store to find a cute top to wear! Out on the town. Hooray!

A New Eating Plan Taking Shape

Overwhelming? For me, you bet!

As you know, there are a plethora of dieting books and diet recipes out there to use when you are in maintenance. So many different things are suggested that me personally, I'm absolutely overwhelmed. And I'm guessing you are too. Where do we start? What do we need to control? Fat? Sodium? Sugar? Carbs? All of the above? How do we incorporate the required foods from the food pyramid? How do we make them palatable so we actually like to eat them? Do we simply eat the same thing every day, for convenience sake, or design different menus for every day of the week? What if we hate cooking? Is it Lean Cuisines for the rest of our lives? Do we subscribe to magazines? Buy books? Wing it on our own? So many questions. Where are the answers?

What I am doing is stepping back and taking a moment to examine, in a very general way, what I like about the food I eat. First, I like texture. Crunchy or creamy. Combination of both? Even better. Sometimes in the day I like salty things. Other times, I like sweet things. I like lots of things mixed together in a hodge podge, so I taste lots of different flavors at once.I now like eating smaller servings of things throughout the day. And I flat out admit it: I like a "sweet treat" every night. When Optifasting, it was absolutely critical that I have my sugar-free Jello in the evening. That got me through, I dare say. Don't know if I'll ever be able to eat it again, but it was great while it lasted!

What I am beginning to realize is if I get "bulky" combinations going for my meals, I am satisfied because my tummy is full and I don't feel hungry for hours. A good example of this is having a mixture of no-fat plain yogurt (or non-fat plain Greek yogurt if you really want density), Fiber One cereal, almonds, blueberries and Splenda for breakfast. Creamy, crunchy, not too sweet. That fiber really fills you up. Oatmeal made with water with a small amount of nuts, blueberries, some skim milk, and 2 tsp. maple syrup works well too. This is going to tide you over for quite some time.

At dinner time, I rely on a a good, reliable salad (lettuce base: choose anything but iceberg. Not as fiber-rich as other lettuces.) chocked full with all kinds of interesting, varied things, like legumes (beans), chopped vegetables, artichoke hearts, capers, and then my fish or chicken on top. It's a dinner "power" salad, and each bite I try to get a little of everything on my fork. Bulky, tasty. Again, my stomach is full. This could be a good strategy for those who aren't big fans of vegetables -- pair them with beans (pinto, black, cannellini, chick peas, etc.) in a salad and toss with 1-2 tbsp. Lite salad dressing, then layer your protein on top. Mix it up, and when you eat your salad, get different things on your fork. Combinations really help.

When you start adding in the herb blends, it's off to the races. I like that part quite a bit. I'm just plunging into this, so it's all fairly new right now. But over the years I've amassed everything from saffron strands to table salt, so I've got a heck of a lot of things to work with, which is exciting.

To recap: For me, I'm gravitating to:

a.) Bulk -- and reliance on fiber
b.) Combinations in one dish, versus 1 meat, 1 salad, 1 vegetable, 1 starch on plate
c.) "Power" salads
d.) Emphasis on high protein/lower carb diet (yogurt, skim milk, chicken, fish, turkey, eggs for protein; whole grain, low-carb breads, oatmeal, whole grain pasta and Fiber One for carbs).

So this is my beginning. It's a good start, I think. Holding steady just below goal (I "swing" between 154-157 lbs. (morning weigh-in), depending on the day). Welcome to your new eating routine Melissa!