Although I had a terrible night's sleep and have been sluggish all day, I am feeling a little calmer this evening. My Optifast friend Kathy sent me a list of recommended foods for transition, and just having it has strangely made me feel better. I know my clinic probably has the same list and will give it to me shortly, but it helps to get a peek at it tonight. As you know, my anxiety level has been jacked up considerably but seeing this list has tempered some of that.
I think what is truly rattling me is I did not anticipate falling victim to holiday stress, which for me includes the in-law visit. Also, my past history on Optifast showed me I could successfully manage holidays and not be thrown for a loop, and I never expected having any trouble right now. But things are just not rolling along that way. I'm a victim, of sorts, of bad timing -- my final countdown to goal is happening right smack dab in the middle of the Christmas/New Years holidays. I do wish I started my program earlier than March, but as always, hindsight is 20/20 vision.
I also now realize that I am a perfectionist as far as this program goes. I do not want any slips, and I give myself no leeway to deviate from the plan. In other words, I am trying to be inhuman -- and that is ridiculous and unnecessary. The fact I have identified this problem is half the battle. So that's a good thing. I'm going to need to work with the clinic to learn how to dismantle this perfectionism, because it is not doing me any good.
To make it through this holiday season with no slips is going to be very, very difficult. And I need to learn that if I do slip, it's okay. I need to learn how to forgive myself. This is new behavior, but I'm open to trying it. I have my weigh-in and consultation with the dietitian tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.
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