Binge: Fear Realized

I suppose there is a first time for everything. We also need reminders that we are human -- all too human -- despite whether we think otherwise. It's taken several days for me to write this post, as the event I am going to describe frightened me so deeply and made me question myself and my capabilities. But if I keep this event inside and don't share it openly, shame might get the best of me. And I certainly don't want that to happen.

As you know, I have been Optifasting for 9 months and have been almost completely compliant with my Optifast program. I had an initial episode a month or two in when I got into trouble with the Optifast peanut butter-chocolate bars and had three in one day -- started eating them candy -- but I quickly nipped it in the bud, stopped buying them, and stayed the course with my product schedule. I did not have a bite of "real" food unless allowed by the clinic. And when I did, it was isolated meals strictly limited to 4 oz. protein, small salad with dressing on the side, and small serving of vegetables. I began having one restricted meal a week after seven months, as allowed by the clinic. This plan worked well.

During the holiday season, which began with Thanksgiving and runs through Christmas Day, the clinic has allowed me some leeway to have more meals per week, but only the restricted meal. I have followed this schedule and have continued to lose weight every week. I was (and to some extent, still am) extremely proud of myself -- despite a terrible metabolism and extremely slow weight loss rate, I have carved off a significant amount of weight. This has not been easy. But I've done/am doing it. Shake by shake.

Throughout this long journey, I have touched on in my blog my concerns that on this diet -- indeed, with any diet -- one must be extremely cautious and cognizant that very unhealthy behaviors may develop. Things bordering on eating disorders, weight obsession, and scale obsession. I have kept this knowledge in the forefront of my mind. I find eating disorders very, very troubling because of the damage they do to oneself and in some cases, one's loved ones. This is why I urge you to be on the lookout for it. I talk with the clinic extensively about my fears of getting an eating disorder, and the steps I can take to prevent it from happening. This is something I take very, very seriously.

On Saturday -- five days ago -- one of my greatest fears was realized. I experienced for the first, and hopefully last, time a full-blown binge. My target: A platter of assorted Christmas cookies that was brought to the family dinner. While the family was relaxing in the den after the meal, I crept into the kitchen -- feeling like a criminal -- and shoved cookie after cookie into my mouth. I have no idea what they tasted like and truth be told, I don't even like cookies. But I could not (or rather would not) stop. I lost count after awhile. I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is I was completely out of control. And I felt like dirt when it was all over. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. I was frightened. Ashamed. Angry. Disgusted. And disappointed in myself, questioning all of my hard work to lose this weight, and my commitment to leading a healthy, happy life.

It took me almost two days to get back to normal. I put my body through the wringer -- all that sugar hitting my system after months of Optifast shocked it considerably. Of course, I put panic over weight gain ahead of panic over what I had possibly done to my body. In fact, I threw my sacred rule of never buying a scale out the window and rushed out the next day to buy a cheap one so I could try and assess the damage. (My mother is helping to encourage me to throw it out. I'll get there soon.) It was horrible. A nightmare. And I never, ever want to go through this again.

All this has left me wondering: Is a binge like this inevitable after months and months of an essentially liquid diet? Is one guaranteed to develop some kind of eating disorder after dropping a considerable amount of weight? Is it true what they say about liquid diets -- they are destined to fail in the long term because the dieter, by getting "instant satisfaction," never learns how to embrace the healthy eating behavior required for permanent weight management? All of these questions and others require much thought and discussion. In my case, my binge and the horrible aftermath will be topic Number One in my discussion with the dietitian this afternoon.

I share this experience because I want each and every one of you to know that, in my opinion, weight loss through a liquid diet absolutely opens the door for a binge to occur. Not a cheat -- that's a given for most -- but a horrible binge that can be very damaging to your self esteem and your body. I don't want any of you to go through what I did. Perhaps you already have. If so, I now join you. Yes, we will recover. And we can learn from the experience. I just never want to go through it again. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.