Troubling Thoughts And Troubling Actions

Today I am terribly concerned about something that transpired yesterday when the family was assembled for dinner. My mother in-law, who loves to cook like I do, made chili, cornbread, coleslaw slathered in mayonnaise, and extra-chocolate brownies. I followed the clinic's plan and brought my vegetables, had plain slaw lettuce with no-calorie dressing, and agreed to have a small hamburger patty. I thought I would have no problem eating my meal and moving on to conversation and watching television in the den. But no, this did not happen.

I began to obsess over what people were eating. I also began to obsess over my hamburger patty and frantically trying to calculate in my head how many calories were in it. The thoughts were tormenting me, swirling around and although I tried to squeeze them out of my head, they wouldn't go away. It was horrible. When we moved into the den, I grew silent, not paying attention to anything anyone was saying. All I could think about was food. I was going into dangerous territory. That I knew for sure.

To make matters worse, I started craving a bite of a brownie, and before I knew it, I crept back into the kitchen and, feeling like a criminal, picked one up and down the gullet it went. I barely tasted it. Instantly I was gripped with panic. Guilt washed over me. What had I done? How many calories had I consumed? Did I knock myself out of ketosis? Should I go make myself throw up? Does this mean I am a failure and will ultimately collapse and all the weight is going to come back? I hate myself, I thought. I wish my in-laws would go away, I prayed. I am out of control, I decided. For the first time, I cursed Optifast and wondered if I had somehow damaged myself emotionally. Help. I'm drowning.

I'm back on product today and if there's one thing I know for sure it's I need to get my butt to the clinic to hash this out with the dietitian. This goes way beyond implementing strategies to side-step gobbling up sweet treats, like drinking tea with cinnamon (appetite suppressant) or drinking sweet diet cola. This is about weight and food obsession and the psychological issues plaguing those with eating disorders. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am NOT going there -- I've seen the damage it causes individuals and families. This is the main reason I will not have a scale in my home. I want this nipped in the bud immediately. And I need help from a professional. 

Yes, this is without a doubt the most challenging month I have experienced on my Optifast journey. I'm struggling, but I'm still pushing onward. One foot in front of the other. I will get through this. And I will know peace.