Stress Test

Good morning and a very Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and chuckling, because I just had a picture of myself putting on war make-up and gathering at dawn with an ancient Scottish clan, preparing for battle. I've got a full agenda today: Finish wrapping presents, go to the grocery store, cook a special Christmas brunch for my husband, join my sister and brother for our annual Christmas lunch, return home and prepare a broccoli casserole, then gather with my husband's family at 6:00 p.m. for Christmas Eve dinner and opening presents. A very active day.

It's going to be a full day of eating. Of course, I've got trepidation, but I think I am now fairly "skilled" at expecting the anxiety, managing it to some extent, celebrating everything I have achieved to this point, and remembering that family is so important this time of year. I am counting my blessings and feeling much gratitude for my family and friends far and wide. This is what Christmas is about, and I am also going to get in touch with the spiritual aspects of today and tomorrow. This is not the time to let food anxieties over-ride the joy of this event.

I will get honest and admit that I got on the scale and it registered 159.2. I know it is off from the clinic scale by at least a pound, but even given that, it shows a weight loss this week. Now, this is not something I feel like celebrating -- and this is because I am thinking about all of the torture I have been putting myself through this week. All of the anxiety and tension and fear and obsessiveness. I had a very long talk with my mother last night about my horrible struggles and of course the judgement of myself according to the scale number. I have fallen into exactly what I have feared all along. She was almost in tears and so was I. There is so much work I must do to nip this growing weight obsession in the bud. It is actually like a weed -- and I need to do more than yank it out. I need to use weed killer and get rid of it for good.

It is most definitely time for the scale picture again -- apologies to those who have been following my blog all along because this is the fourth or fifth time I have posted it. But it gives me peace and a little bit of serenity. For those who are also struggling with borderline scale obsessions, please know that you are not alone and those numbers can be so powerful to some people. I send a very big hug to you, and want you to know I think I now understand how these obsessions begin and how they take hold of you. But they can be dismantled. With outside help, with meditation, with self-love and with acceptance that we cannot control everything and that's not a bad thing.

So off I go to start the day. A very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! Blessings and love sent to all.