Straight Talk On The Slippery Slope

Okay. My thoughts are jumbled and my anxiety is through the roof, but I am going to try and lay out my beliefs regarding "the slippery slope" one could possibly find themselves on when they are on the Optifast program and very close to goal. I say "possibly" because we are all different, have different issues with food and weight, and react to stressful and other emotional situations in different ways. Please know that I am speaking from my situation only, and I do not by any means want to deter people from doing Optifast if they choose this program. I just feel better when I write. So here goes.

As you can tell by my prior posts, I am not in a very good state right now -- and I have been engaging in concerning behavior by my own standards. This is all driven by the Christmas holidays; the fact that my program is coming smack dab into this time after 9 months of almost complete adherence to a full fast; and my situation of being 14 lbs. to goal (4 lbs., actually, if I revert back to what I set when I started). I was not prepared for this holiday season emotionally, I never expected to struggle this much, and I have always been prone to anxiety. Many factors are coming into play.

When I talk about a "slippery slope," what I am referring to is temporarily going off plan on your own and starting to consume high-carb, high sugar food. As you know, I had a terrible binge recently, and I classify this as suiting up in my parka and skis and stepping on the slope. Where does the slope go? In my scenario, it goes right back to obesity. Not overnight, but eventually. Since my first horrible binge experience, this is what has transpired:

1. A second binge has occurred, this one yesterday after a very upsetting encounter with a colleague at work. Again, my target was small Christmas cookies. I had six or seven in very short order, and immediately felt like dirt. I wanted the stress and anxiety to go away, but of course it did not. I frantically jumped on the scale when I got home from work. By God's grace, I had Facebook friends to connect with and I communicated with them, plus I called my mother in tears and she helped calm me down.

2. A few hours later, the family gathered at a very upscale restaurant for dinner to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday. I completely broke and had bread, a small piece of cod wrapped in thin potato slices as an appetizer, a large beet salad with fava beans; salmon and potato pancakes, numerous bites of my husband's lobster ravioli, coconut sorbet and then a slice of birthday cake. I was upset all evening long but would not exert any control.

3. Today was to be a full fast day, as instructed by the clinic. I awoke panicked, anxiety-ridden, and jumped on the scale. No gain was apparent. But I felt no relief. I had my morning shake and lunch shake. Then, I went to the grocery store and made an executive decision. I would buy 100-calorie almond snack packs, a chicken breast, spinach, red onion, cucumber, sun-dried tomatoes, and a lemon and lime. I did not have my afternoon shake, instead I had an almond pack. I did not have my soup and last shake, instead I had a grilled chicken breast served on the salad with a citrus vinaigrette I quickly whipped up with some olive oil. I woofed it down and although it was relatively "clean," I felt like a failure that I couldn't stick to my full fast plan.

4. I am now craving chocolate. With nuts. Or maybe a cookie. Anything with sugar. What is saving me is the Jello I wisely made earlier. I will have that soon. I am sitting here right now bewildered, spent, and praying for the holidays to be over. Right now, I don't think I can continue with my commitment to the full fast. And I am gripped in fear and panic that this time next year I will be fatter than I was when I started this journey. And that would devastate me.

I know I need the help of a professional to get the cognitive tools I desperately need to diffuse this panic and anxiety, and make sure I maintain a healthy weight. I do have a talk therapist, and it may very well be I seek out a nutritionist outside of the Optifast network. My husband has suggested that. One thing I now know for sure is I can see and understand why the vast majority of people who do liquid diets gain their weight right back. Dear readers, I do not want to be one of these people. I think I have a shot at beating the odds because I have the ability to see all of these concerning behaviors, talk about them, and try to address them. Hopefully that will put me in good stead.

But let's get real: I have stepped on the slope. I didn't expect it, I hate it, and I want to catch the ski lift back to safer ground. This is going to take very hard work. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Maintenance after a liquid diet is far tougher than the fasting. Please keep that in mind and try your best to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Utilize whatever sources you have to avoid the slope if at all possible. That is my suggestion. I don't wish my situation upon anyone. Again, thanks for reading.