Happy New Year!

Well, the dogs got me up this morning at 5:00 a.m., which most likely means I will not make it until midnight to ring in the New Year. I'll be sound asleep. I guess I expected this anyway, as at age 46 you tend to have "slowed down" (wink, wink) a bit and and late nights become few and far between. My husband though is a night owl and should make it to 12:00 a.m. Perhaps I'll give him the green light to come upstairs and wake me up for a quick kiss. That might be allowable.

As most tend to do, I guess I should look back on the year and think about all that has happened. Clearly, the weight loss stands out as the biggest event. According to my scale, adjusting for the roughly 2 lb. difference in the clinic scale, I hit my initial goal today. I weigh 160 lbs. That's 79 lbs. carved off this year. Truly a stellar accomplishment. I have dropped from a size 2X (some items 3X) to a size 12. My bras are smaller, my shoe size is smaller, my rings have been re-sized. I look like a completely different person -- my husband tells me I look 10 years younger.

I feel better than I have in a decade. This goes way beyond just physically better. Emotionally, I have grown leaps and bounds. I've got some self-confidence back, some self-respect, I can look in the mirror and actually like what I see. No more avoiding it, no more cringing, no more crying. I like myself. And that's truly a wonderful thing. I've worked so hard for this, and it's paying off. No, I'm not completed with this weight-loss phase of my journey, but I'm pretty darn close. Only 10 lbs. more to go. It took nine months to get to this point, but as I've said before, the time really has flown by.

On the whole, this has not been a difficult program for me. Yes, the entire month of December and the Christmas holiday was brutal, emotionally, for me. I was not prepared. I don't necessarily blame the clinic, because talk therapy is not their area of expertise. But I will mention my experience to the dietitians, and perhaps a class can be incorporated in the future that addresses the emotional aspects of fasting during the holidays. I know other program participants had a difficult time emotionally too, so I think such a class would be beneficial to many. We'll see what they think when I go to the clinic in two days.

It was wonderful taking all those clothes that no longer fit me to the Salvation Army. Dropping off those 10+ bags was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had. It took me awhile to get to that point, but once I was ready, I attacked my closet, started stuffing, got the bags in the car, and pushed them down the donation chute. It was absolutely liberating, to say the least. I know I don't talk about shopping and new clothes much, but I will let you know I wore a gorgeous wrap dress to a big work event in November and pretty much blew everyone I haven't seen in awhile away. I received so many compliments that I got overwhelmed. I've slowly started to build up a new wardrobe of beautifully tailored clothing -- just a few pieces, but I feel like a million bucks wearing them. New bras and shoes will follow in due course. I just like to take it slow.

Speaking of what's following, I guess today is the day to be thinking about 2013 resolutions. Now, making resolutions is something I never do, not so much because I don't think I can follow through with them, but rather I tend to believe life unfolds as it may. But I am going to make an exception this year. I am going to make a resolution to have a full year of weight maintenance, keeping myself, on average, in the 150-155 lb. range. I will remain the same clothing size. I will continue to stay in touch with the clinic and see the dietitian. I may keep my scale, but if an obsession starts to really grip me, it is going straight to the trash. I can weigh in at the clinic for free, once a week if need be.

I am also going to make a resolution to keep blogging. Many of the Optifast blogs I have seen simply stop, as if mid-sentence. I'm going to keep going, because I believe writing keeps you accountable to yourself and others. The "Optifast Journey" doesn't stop when you complete the fasting phase of the Optifast program. Oh no, it continues onward. There are a lot of Optifast skeptics out there waiting to pounce on you when you move into maintenance. Well, I'm ready for them. Bring it on!

So we will see how I do with my two resolutions. I'm going to give it my best shot to stick with them. Okay, I'm off to wrap up 2012. First up: I'm going back to bed. I'm exhausted! Have a wonderful evening everyone. Happy New Year!  

 

Unleashing The Optifast Gourmet

Well, here we are, the day before New Years Eve. And oh, what a year it has been. My husband and I have no real plans to do anything special tomorrow. We will be happily seated side by side, perhaps watching on television the famous ball in New York City drop for the final countdown to 2013. Or maybe I will be in bed and miss the whole thing -- that has happened in the past! I will not be having any "bubbly" because the Optifast products make your liver work harder and subsequently drinking alcohol is strongly discouraged. Over do it, and you could end up in the hospital. (Another side effect of the products I forgot to mention previously. Keep this firmly in mind.)

I plan on having four Optifast products tomorrow then my weekly "special meal." (As allowed by the clinic.) I'm going to broil a 4 oz. piece of salmon and serve it on a spinach salad with cucumber, red onion, and a small amount of sun-dried tomato strips. Pretty simple. I made a lemon citrus vinaigrette a few days ago, and I'll put a splash of that on there. Should be quite tasty.

Yesterday, I received my copy of a magazine/cookbook with fantastic light recipes that are restaurant-quality. It is published by Cuisine At Home (www.cuisineathome.com) and is called Cuisine Lite, Volume 1. (Not to be confused with Cooking Light magazine.) There are a total of three light-recipe magazine/cookbooks in the series, and from the looks of the first volume, I will be ordering the other two. I came across this publisher when I was in Fresh Market a few years ago. They were selling their crockpot recipe collection, which I use over and over again. The dishes are excellent.

I purchased the Cuisine Lite cook book in anticipation of my maintenance phase, which will begin, I'm predicting, in late February. I'm starting my homework now, so I've got some recipes in my arsenal when it comes time to eat "real" food regularly. Although I'm not going to shred all of my current recipes (my husband is not on a diet, after all), I have to build up a completely new collection of low-calorie things to cook. I purchased a special binder to keep them organized. So it feels like an interesting, new "project." Which I like.

I think individuals who are comfortable cooking their own meals have a very good shot at maintaining a healthy diet when the full fast is over. And fortunately, it is never too late to learn about cooking healthy dishes. I think one of the biggest reasons people don't cook more is they think it will take too long. Most of us have very busy schedules, and with an onslaught of fast food places and processed junk ready to be fired up in the microwave, people take short cuts to eat. This is thinking and eating that must be dismantled. If not, it's a ticket right back to obesity, in my humble opinion.

Now, I'm at the point where I've been cooking gourmet long enough that I am comfortable creating things on my own. But I still rely heavily on magazines, cook books, and on-line recipe finders because the emphasis is clearly shifting to preparing meals in 30 minutes or less. Publishers know what readers want. Something tasty that can be quickly whipped up. Sure, we always have the option of sticking with the chicken breast cooked in a pan lined with cooking spray; steaming Birdseye vegetables with no sauce in the microwave; and having a small serving of Uncle Ben's boil-in-the-bag brown rice. But folks, that just gets boring. And soon it tastes like cardboard. Where's the Big Mac?

What I like about Cusine Lite is they show you how to take that simple chicken breast and prepare a special enhancement, like avocado and grapefruit, apples and a few walnuts, or a few olives and raisins, to create something special. For your starch, you would enhance that brown rice with a few, simple, low-cal things -- and have some leftovers for lunch the next day. Tips like mashing a small cooked potato and cooked cauliflower together are very helpful. Just little quick, easy "touches" that make the dish more flavorful. And I tell you, it is fun creating these dishes. I enjoy it, and so will you.

Personally, I do not plan on cooking all of my daily meals. I have a part-time job and there is just not time for that. Yogurt or high-fiber cereal for breakfast, a hard boiled egg and 1/2 tuna sandwich (or things like that) for lunch, and an apple or 100-calorie pack almonds or string cheese and a few Wheat thins for a snack. But dinner I want to cook myself. I need to know what I am eating -- and I do when I prepare it. In addition to Cuisine Lite, my Optifast clinic has given us handouts of meal possibilities in maintenance, and I plan on using those suggestions -- however I will be doing a little "doctoring" and I will be sure to pass along any appealing creations I might conjure up.

Just going up a notch or two in food preparation can make a big difference. You actually want to eat the things you prepare! Yes, this all can be enjoyable. I'm looking forward to it. So even if you just started the program, I encourage you to start exploring some low-calorie cooking publications now. It doesn't hurt to get your own recipe binder started. That way when you transition, you'll have some recipes to try right off the bat. We'll get our chefs' hats on and have some fun!



  

Most Popular Post? Oprah and Optifast!

I just perused my post list for the year, and by a huge margin, my comments about Oprah and Optifast generated the most hits. I'm really smiling, because she never fails to generate such fascination and has such a huge audience (primarily women) following her every move. Although I do not watch her show, I'm so proud for her and everything she has achieved. Oprah has encountered many struggles in her life -- particularly weight -- and has courageously faced them head on. She absolutely deserves all the praise and awards heaped upon her.

Many, many people saw the episode of her show in the late 1980s when she leaped out onto the stage after four months on Optifast, sporting figure-hugging size 10 jeans, sexy boots and a little red wagon filled with numerous plastic "fat blobs" the Optifast clinics keep for illustrative purposes. I saw pictures in magazines at the grocery store, and the pictures still circulate to this day. It was one of those "moments in time" that was captured and stays in a lot of people's memory. It is well-known that she put all the weight she lost through the Optifast program back on (and more), and many people use this as a good example of why the program is destined to fail.

Oprah readily admits she didn't exercise and resumed her poor eating habits after ending her Optifast program. So clearly, we know that the problem is not with Optifast, it revolves around the behavior of the individual when the program ends. I know at my clinic, they specifically target the physical behavioral changes necessary to keep your weight off, which include maintaining a steady exercise routine and following a balanced, reasonable calorie-count diet. This consists of breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner and perhaps another small snack. Occasional "splurges" are fine, because complete denial is inevitably going to lead to a binge and perhaps a total relapse and reversion back to poor eating habits, a sedentary lifestyle, and subsequent obesity. All of this maintenance takes work, and in some cases constant vigilance. So we discuss all of this in class quite a bit.

Now, I strongly believe there is emotional behavioral work we must do as well. This cannot be avoided, in my opinion, because most, if not all of us tend to be "comfort" or "emotional" eaters. We go straight to food -- salty, sugary, high fat and carb-laden - when we are anxious, upset, depressed, or just plain bored. Whether eating solves the problem is suspect. I know it only made my stress and anxiety ten times worse. Yet I kept on eating. I would hazard a guess Oprah is a "comfort" eater as well. I'm not sure about that, but it's definitely possible. And if this emotional behavior was not addressed while she was on the Optifast program (or immediately following it) through therapy or another avenue, that could also explain why she gained all her weight back.

I urge you to begin exploring the wealth of books out there written about emotional eating. Optifast, in my opinion, only gets you to the starting point of the very long stretch of your journey of weight maintenance. I think it's fairly safe to say none of us want to find ourselves -- after doing all the hard work, investing the money, and successfully completing the program -- right back into obesity. We're going to have to work on our emotional problems. It's just that simple. Some might feel uncomfortable with this, it may be foreign or scary. Overwhelming. But I urge you to start learning a little bit more as to why you overeat. This is so important to understand, so you can implement healthy ways to process your feelings that do not include binges and constant over-eating. So seek out some books on this topic. They can help tremendously.

There is also the avenue of talk therapy, which I highly recommend. The therapeutic style I prefer is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and it just so happens there is a book written for those trying to lose weight and maintain it utilizing CBT techniques. It's a New York Times Bestseller called, "The Beck Diet Solution: Think Like A Thin Person." A good friend from the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page recommended it, and several of us have gotten a copy.  Go to amazon.com and order it. I think you will find it helpful.

So in sum, I firmly believe that Optifasters are not all destined to "fail" because Oprah did. We can implement strategies she may not have to keep our weight off. The key: follow a routine, educate yourself about yourself, and implement behavioral tools to keep your weight off for good. No, this is not easy. But it gets easier as time goes on and you see results. I am going to follow this path and I hope you will too. Let's prove those skeptics wrong. How great is that?  

 

The "High" and "Low"

It's normally around Thanksgiving time that we gather to give thanks for the "bounty we are about to receive." But this year, I have reserved my thanks for the end of the year -- New Year's Eve -- when I plan to cuddle up with my husband and share the "high point" and "low point" in each of our lives throughout the past year. I find this sort of exercise to be quite therapeutic and it creates a sense of gratitude for things we might have forgotten or taken for granted.

It's no secret that my all-time low was stepping on that scale at the Optifast clinic in March and seeing the number: 239 lbs. I was shocked, embarrassed, overwhelmed, scared. A host of feelings overwhelmed me. I had never had a doctor actually call me "obese" (I always stepped on the scale in the doctor's office with my back to it, so my day wouldn't be wrecked), but standing there and seeing that number, it was undeniably true. I felt ugly and bloated and unlovable. But, at least I knew I was looking the problem squarely in the face and attacking it -- finally.

My high point is actually not today. Rather, it occurred in late November, when I was in Florida for vacation.  I remember the day quite clearly. I was walking the beach with my husband, along the shoreline. It was sunny, but a cool wind was blowing. I had my new bathing suit on, and a loose, white wrap that was rippling softly in the wind. I was not at goal yet -- I think I weighed about 170 lbs., roughly 20 lbs. to my goal -- but I felt like a champion. I was comfortable in my own "skin," I had no fear of how I looked, my body wasn't in pain, and I had such a sense of serenity and peace. I was with the man I love, and I felt so blessed. The days and days of fasting had paid off  (and it wasn't even a "chore" to begin with). I was so happy -- I remain happy -- and I realized that losing the weight was one of the biggest successes of my life. It was a lovely day indeed. And I will never forget it.

If you have just stumbled upon my blog, I want you to know that this "high point," this state of serenity and peace can be yours too. Enroll in the Optifast program. Courageously step on the scale. And begin your own Optifast journey. Shake by shake, soup by soup, bar by bar, you can get to where I am if you follow directions, dig deep inside for commitment and compliance, and utilize all the outside supports you have available to help you along the way. Yes, there will always be critics of this weight loss program, and any other program that is either liquid, or strips carbs and sugars from your diet. But there is no denying the fact that it works if you follow directions.

If you are obese, you must take action. In some way. I chose Optifast and I have absolutely no regrets in this decision. I am happy to respond to any critic of the program -- I would actually be delighted to engage in a robust debate about its benefits and costs. No, I am not in maintenance yet, and that is where the true test (and much of the criticism) lays. But at that juncture, what ultimately unfolds is completely up to me. Not Optifast. Keep that in mind going in to the program, and always keep it in mind as you walk your road to a healthy life. We are responsible, we are accountable for what we put into our bodies, how we handle our emotions, what choices we make every day. Let's make wise choices. We all have the capacity to do so. Each day is a gift -- live it to the fullest! That's what I plan to do. Join me.

Looking Back: Some Reflections (Part 2)

I slept in until 10:30 a.m. this morning -- very rare for me! -- and I'm feeling fantastic. I have no doubt that my body and mind are letting go of all of the stress I have been carrying for the entire month. I couldn't be happier. I am back in ketosis and loving my Optifast products, and the sun was out today and it warmed up a little, so I bundled up my Bassets in their adorable sweaters and took a long walk. New Year's Eve is approaching and then it's "Hello 2013!" I'm ready for the New Year and the "new" me!

So, I'd like to continue with my compilation of "reflections" about my Optifast journey to date:

6. My mindset of "doing this for my health" versus "doing this for the skinny jeans" has carried me through. Fortunately, for this entire nine month period, I have never reached that low point where I wanted to just ditch the whole program and go back to eating like I did. Sure, I've seen many, many people drop out -- one day you notice they have stopped coming to the clinic, and you start really looking around and suddenly realize you and one other person are the only ones there who started the program with a large group close to the same time. Everyone else is gone. I have often wondered if maybe I'm the crazy one because I keep trudging along on an essentially liquid diet. But then I stop myself. And I remember one simple thing: Melissa, you were obese.

Obesity is a killer. It's that simple folks. And I'm not talking just physically (though that's the main reason) but emotionally as well. My health was in jeopardy. And I hated myself. That about sums it up. So I didn't start on this journey thinking about how much fun it would be skipping around the aisles in the normal size section of the department store. Now, don't get the impression I don't like shopping for and wearing nice clothes. Oh, I do, I do. But visions of wearing a clingy silk dress didn't get me through the tough times. Having a healthy cholesterol level and blood pressure, and a body size in the "healthy" Body Mass Index did. Without question. This mindset is going to carry me all the way to the finish line and well beyond it. I'm 46 years old and I want to live a happy, healthy life. A long life, with my loving husband. Optifast is getting me to the starting point and then it's all up to me. This I know, and I'm going to work my hardest to make it happen.

7. Flavor those products and they really don't taste that bad! Maybe it's because I'm a gourmet cook, or maybe it's because I'm curious how I can improve the taste of a basic thing. Whatever the reason, I have found that my shakes and soups actually taste pretty good if I do some simple 'doctoring' with things readily available at the grocery store or specialty market. We are allowed to add flavorings, spices, and herbs (fresh or bottled) as long as they are sugar-free and sodium-free. And there are many options available to us! For the shakes, there's Splenda (or equivalent no-calorie sweetener), flavored extracts, and sugar-free syrups (Torani and DaVinci). If you're using the Optifast 70 shakes, Splenda (or equivalent) is an absolute necessity and flavor from there. If you are having Optifast 800 shakes, I swear by the Optifast 800 Vanilla powder mixed with different flavored extracts. (No Splenda necessary for me.) Maple + butter extracts (1/2 tsp. each) with a vanilla packet is fabulous. So is 1/2 tsp. almond extract with a vanilla packet.

On the soups, I go to gourmet spice shops and buy assorted Indian spices and curries, and spice powders like horseradish, jalapeno and habenero. I use fresh herbs, chopped finely. I use cayenne, sometimes a drop of hot sauce. You can create so many different-flavored soups if you buy both the chicken and tomato. I have my soup each night for dinner, and I honestly look forward to it every day. I have been able to be creative, and this cuts out the monotony of things. And that has kept me compliant!

8. Don't forget that you lose inches as well as pounds! It is so easy to get wrapped up with that number on the scale, and get frustrated and convinced Optifast is not "working" because you are not shedding pounds quickly enough. God knows I've fallen into that trap. But when I stopped a minute, and took a look at my clothes, I suddenly realized something. They were loose! I woke up one day a few weeks into the program and my pants had to be belted or they would fall off. (Actually, I came very close to having a pair of shorts fall completely off at Target last summer.) It's been my experience that the scale may barely move, but I dropped in size relatively quickly. Progress! It feels wonderful and then the compliments start coming. I gained even more confidence, more commitment to my journey. Those inches shed count! Don't forget that.

9. Who would have thought the Optifast "de-tox" would make you feel so good? I was so surprised to find how good I felt physically about a week or two into the program. It felt as if my body had almost completely "de-toxed" (for lack of a better word) all that chemical crap that was floating around. My energy level was (and is) very high; my mood is improved; I just feel healthier. That alone is enough to keep me going day by day. I like it -- no, I love it! I realize all I really want is "clean" food in my system. Minimal fat and carbs, nothing processed, everything fresh and healthy. I know in my case I realize that I want to take good care of my body now, and make sure everything going into it is good for me. Everything has changed. Now yes, I do see some rare meals in the future that will be rich, but I want those special occasion only. I don't need them anymore. I don't want them anymore. Fast food? Forget it! I don't want that crap anywhere near me. How wonderful is that? Thanks Optifast!

10. This program has changed my life. I saved this reflection for the last, because it's the most important. How do I sum up the the difference between the woman I am now, compared to the one who started this journey nine months ago? Well, for starters, I treasure my body. Next, I feel so much better about who I am. Okay, I'll admit it. I like myself! I wouldn't say I love myself (that's a work in progress), but I definitely have made great strides in the self-esteem area. That was a goal of mine when I started -- to like, to respect myself again. I have found, without a doubt, that having a healthy body has boosted my self-respect to levels I have not seen in a long, long time. I had descended so low in this area. Obesity does that to you. The emotional impacts are terrible. My view of myself has improved so very much. And I'm very happy about that. So is my husband. This is a benefit of the Optifast program that you might not hear about when you first sign up. What tends to be emphasized are the more clinical, more physical aspects of weight loss, not the emotional benefits that go along with it. But they are quite important as well. I'm thrilled to see success in both areas of my life. Today I'm stronger physically, but I'm also stronger emotionally. It's a holistic change. And that's pretty important.

***

I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention how thrilled, how happy I am that there are people out there who are following my struggles and triumphs on this program by reading my blog. It's not just here for me -- I hope to help educate and assist anyone considering the Optifast program, anyone enrolled in the Optifast program, those who have completed the Optifast program, and even those who are just plain interested in knowing more about weight loss in general. I am writing for you and me. Frankly, I don't know how long I will write -- I'm going to just continue along, taking it day by day. I love writing. It makes me feel so much better. So expect the entries to keep on coming. You haven't heard the last from me by a long shot!

Blessings all and good luck in your own life journey!  

Looking Back: Some Reflections (Part 1)

Well, the New Year is approaching, and that has me thinking back over my Optifast journey to date. I started scrolling back through some of my posts from this past summer, and it hit me that I really have traveled a long, long way. Many things have been learned -- about the Optifast program and about myself. The knowledge I have gained is vast, yet sometimes I feel like I'm that newbie, that frightened obese girl in March weighing in at the Optifast clinic for the first time. Much has happened. Excitement. Crushing disappointment. Serenity. Anxiety attacks. I had no clue something like this would unfold when I signed up to do the Optifast program last Spring. But happen it has. And I've survived.

Several things are popping up in my head as I look back. I'll just start typing out a list, and see how far I go:

1. I never thought I would be fasting for this long. I've touched on this in my blog several times. Yes, I knew going in I had weight to lose -- 80 lbs. at first, now adjusted to 90 lbs. -- but I had some delusion in my head that I would drop it all quite quickly. Problem solved. Next? Well, it has not worked out that way at all. Now, this is all due to my thyroid issues and poor metabolism, as we know. My thyroid doctor told me straight up I was in for a long haul. But I still harbored the delusion that I would prove people wrong and beat the odds.

It was only after a month into the program that I began to sense I was in for a fight. At that point, it was too late to turn back -- I didn't want to turn back -- and I began to just accept my average weekly weight loss of 2.2 lbs. Don't fall into the trap I did: The average weekly loss rate for Optifasters is 2-4 lbs. Most will lose more in the first week or two, and then slow down. Expect this before you start. BUT let me add that the weeks do start to fly by, as food becomes less and less important and is no longer the focus of a good deal of your attention. Having my products hasn't felt "laborious" for me, or pure torture -- maybe I'm lucky, but it just isn't the case. Which brings me to my next thought.

2. I never realized I would feel such safety with my Optifast routine. This is a biggie for me. No calorie counting, no "points" or other types of calculations; no decisions to be made at the grocery store. I have five products a day, 1 cup of sugar-free jello at night, and a pickle to keep my sodium level acceptable.    It's that easy, from a procedural point of view. Removing the food and instituting a structured routine creates safety and there's great comfort in that. Yes, I am now allowed to have one dinner a week, but the guidelines are strict, which makes them easy to follow. Small salad. Veggies. 4 oz. of chicken or fish. I actually now find myself either going to one restaurant and ordering the same thing on the menu, or preparing that dish myself at home. I like it that way. It's predictable, comfortable. And I continue to lose weight. I feel in control and confident in my decision-making. This is important.

3. I never expected to make so many Optifast friends through the Internet, and I didn't realize at first how much I need them. The Optifast program, in my opinion, is extremely difficult to do on your own. I'll be honest: I couldn't do it. There is just so much more that goes on besides taking your product, working out and losing weight. In my opinion. Now, whether this needs to be shared is up to each person, but in my case I get great relief from the support I get from my online Optifast friends. Things crop up at inopportune times -- and because program participants come from all over the world, odds are you can locate someone to help you through a tough craving or some other struggle. We all want to get to goal. And the journey is a heck of a lot smoother if you're walking alongside somebody else. No, we don't have to be alone in this. This is a tough program in some respects, and I am so glad I have friends helping me. Seriously, I would not have made it this far, been able to stay almost completely compliant with the program if I didn't have friends and family cheering me along. I treasure the support.

4. Many holidays I could successfully navigate. But Christmas I could not. I had no trouble fasting through Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and even on summer vacation. Yes, some "special"/restricted meals were in there, but the vast majority of the time I was full fasting. I had no desire to deviate from the plan, I was comfortable and relaxed for the most part. But Christmas -- that was a whole different ball of wax all together. I've blogged about this extensively, so I won't rehash it. But suffice to say I never want to fast through that holiday season again.

5. I am not completely comfortable in my "new" body. Strange as it may seem, the only thing that reminds me I have lost a lot of weight is when I cross my legs. It happens so effortlessly now. When I am seated at the table. In movie theaters. Under my desk. I could never do this for many, many years. So frankly, it feels odd. I also still shy away from form-fitting clothes, sexy lingerie, things that would accentuate my figure. Am I shy? Embarrassed? Awkward? Lost? It's probably a combination of these things. Most likely, I will slowly over time gain more confidence, but I'd be dishonest if I said I felt completely comfortable right now. And I've lost 78 lbs. I hope to get there soon, but I cannot rush this. It has to come from within. In the meantime, I am trying my best to accept compliments with a smile and a "thank you." And to let myself feel good about them.

***

I'll end here for now and pick up later. Thanks for reading!

The Power Of Positive Thinking

Well, the supposed "blizzard" did not really hit my neighborhood or my clinic location yesterday. So they did indeed open in the afternoon, and I was able to go in and purchase my products, weigh in, and see the dietitian and doctor. To my amazement, I shed 2.3 lbs. this week. This is very bittersweet, however, because I put myself through a lot of anxiety and fear and obsessiveness all week long. Clearly, it wasn't worth it -- but I literally could not stop it. I took anti-anxiety medication, I tried to implement portion control, I tried to avoid binges, and nothing really worked. Oh, how I suffered. I am also now out of ketosis, which makes getting back on the full fast extremely difficult these next few days. I had a tough day physically yesterday, but yes, I survived it.

But -- let's stop dwelling on these negatives and get productive, get positive for a change! My dietitian emphasized this during our session. What I need to be looking for, to be focusing on, are the little "victories" that occurred along the way. These include adherence to the special/restricted meal on some occasions; still having some of my products each day (instead of ditching them completely and veering completely off course); and stopping those binges before they got completely out of control and I got sick. My dietitian said, "Say to yourself, 'I am awesome!'" And I did, and repeated it a few times and I started feeling better.

What I am learning on my own Optifast journey is that I am very, very critical of myself -- yes, I had some knowledge of this before I started, but it is all too clear right now. The other "trap" I have fallen into is engaging in unrealistic, ultimately unobtainable perfectionism. Strict, rigid adherence to the full fast. Making no room for slips, allowing nothing past my lips that isn't an Optifast product, jello, or a pickle -- unless the clinic allows otherwise. Castigating myself if I fall short of the expectations I set. And now letting a number on a scale each morning be the "indicator" of how "good" or "bad" I am.

All of this is negative thinking and behavior. It serves no purpose save to bring me down, and keep me from enjoying the "now," where I am in the moment. My "default" thinking needs to be positive, uplifting, something that makes me enjoy every day to the fullest. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I can implement this. It just takes some work. Baby steps are required, and I need to be gentle with myself. This is a process, and I can't forget that.

Now some who have just started the Optifast program and are reading this may think, "What in the heck is wrong with this woman?! " And I chuckle, because I might think that way too. Just know that it has been a long road for me, and my weight comes off so slowly because of the poor metabolism and thyroid disease, and I tend to be in my head quite a bit. Plus I'm close to goal and that can make one even more impatient. But I'm trying. And I'll see this through.

For all those struggling, I'm right there with you. We can, we will make it. And we all make mistakes. This is human, this is normal. This is a sign of growth. Today, I will focus on the positives in my life. I hope you do too. We have much to be grateful for in our lives. And we are all special in our own way. Let's love ourselves more. We deserve it.

The Road Back To Ketosis

New beginnings

Good morning all. I awoke early again and I am sipping my coffee, waiting for the snow to come. Christmas is over and frankly I'm exhausted. This is mostly emotional fatigue, for as you know this has been a very, very difficult month for me. I am resuming the full fast today, and I will not see my in-laws again until Friday evening. They depart early the next day. No more family dinners to stress about, no more cookies and cakes and pies and an onslaught of highly caloric holiday food items. It is finally, blessedly over.

With the coming snow storm and hazardous traveling alerts, I will not be going to the clinic today for my weigh-in. I've got mixed feelings about this. At my weigh-in last week, I was 164 lbs. and according to my scale at home, I am hovering around 159 - 160 lbs. Tacking on a little more weight to accommodate the clinic scale calibration, I am probably about 162 lbs. That would be a weekly loss. Obviously, I'm now completely wrapped up in the number and this is causing deep concern for me. Weather permitting, I can get to one of the other Optifast clinics tomorrow and speak with a dietitian about it. I also have a talk therapy appointment lined up. So I have supports available.

(For those who have just found my blog, I started my Optifast journey in late March, weighing 239 lbs. I am 5' 6. I set a goal of 160 lbs. I have been on the program for nine months, adhering almost completely to a full fast only, and decided about six weeks ago to reset my goal to 150 lbs. At my last weigh-in on December 19, I weighed 164 lbs. For most of this past Christmas week, I have been having products here and there, but mostly eating "real" food. This is not in my plan. There have been binges, and eating some meals high in carbs, sugars, and fats.)

The only other recent memory I have of my stress level being this high is a few years back when we had to move out of the house for several months while our kitchen was ripped out and remodeled. That was truly tough, and I don't think I'll ever go through something like that again. (Those who have survived remodeling projects will know what I'm talking about!) I am absolutely spent, and fortunately I have this week off from work and do not have to be back in the office until January 2. So I have days to decompress and begin climbing the hill back to ketosis.

Ah yes, ketosis. This is the chemical process that makes weight loss through the Optifast program possible. You consume low-calorie products stripped of carbs, sugar and fat -- instead high in protein -- and ketosis kicks in, whereby your body begins burning fat for energy and you shed inches and weight. Once you reach ketosis, your hunger goes away and you really start to feel great. Your whole body "de-toxes." It's a great feeling.

The only problem is surviving the 3+ days it takes to get there.

Those just starting the Optifast program will be going through exactly what I will face in the days to come. Hunger. Growling stomach. Possible dizziness and a need to exert great caution while driving. A drop in energy. Fatigue. And then the cravings. Oh, the cravings. For something, anything to make the growling go away. Although this is relatively just a short amount of time you have to "suffer," it can be truly challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. This I know from experience.

You can combat hunger and cravings by drinking lots of water, chewing gum, spacing your products 2-3 hours apart, adding more water to your shakes and soups, and adding in 1 cup of sugar-free jello a day to your routine. If any food around your house becomes too tempting, leave for a bit. Take a walk around the block. Remember that cravings only last about 20-25 minutes, and are quite different from actual hunger.

Mentally and emotionally, journaling/blogging extensively, going to places like the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page and connecting with others, taking hot baths, and of course meditating and resting helps so much. Gather your friends and family around for support. You do not have to be alone. Importantly, you will get through this. And once in ketosis, it's wonderful.

I've gone through this before and I can do it again. One Day At A Time. I am looking outside and the snow is starting to really come down now. It's beautiful. Today I start anew. And I can do it.

  

Merry Christmas And Looking Ahead

I want to wish everyone the merriest of Christmases this year! No "White Christmas" here in Columbus, Ohio this year -- the blizzard is due tomorrow, actually -- but no matter that. The family is gathering for dinner at 2:00 p.m., and there will be hugs and presents and yes, food galore. But I am going to navigate that and let the cards fold as they may. I am fairly sure I am no longer in ketosis, but I will get myself started back on track with that tomorrow. I'm not going to use this as free license to gorge today on whatever I want, but I will sample what's available and do my best to not feel too guilty about it.

With a possible blizzard looming, my weigh-in tomorrow may be postponed. I'm not so nervous about that, but rather that I make my weekly product purchases on Wednesdays and I only have enough product to get me through to Friday. My clinic is only open Mondays and Wednesdays. Now, one of the fortunate things about my area is there are four -- yes four! -- Optifast clinics in central Ohio. (An indicator, perhaps, of the obesity epidemic here.) At least one will be open Thursday and Friday, so I can stock up then if need be. After all of this stress with eating these past weeks, I am so eager to get back to my products. They are "safe," I have realized, and put a structure in place that I need.

I've been going back and forth as to whether I should switch to the Optifast "partial" plan of a few shakes a day and then a meal, or simply resume my regular routine of full fasting with one special/restricted meal per week. I guess the decision will be made based on consultation with the dietitian, and seeing how I feel in the days ahead. As far as how much longer I will be on product, yes, I have been weighing myself every morning but I have decided that number doesn't mean much, because it's the clinic scale that is tracking my progress to date. Frankly, I'm getting fairly sick of numbers and the scale in general. It may be headed to the trashcan soon.

Well off I go to the family gathering. Merry Christmas Day to everyone!  

Stress Test

Good morning and a very Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and chuckling, because I just had a picture of myself putting on war make-up and gathering at dawn with an ancient Scottish clan, preparing for battle. I've got a full agenda today: Finish wrapping presents, go to the grocery store, cook a special Christmas brunch for my husband, join my sister and brother for our annual Christmas lunch, return home and prepare a broccoli casserole, then gather with my husband's family at 6:00 p.m. for Christmas Eve dinner and opening presents. A very active day.

It's going to be a full day of eating. Of course, I've got trepidation, but I think I am now fairly "skilled" at expecting the anxiety, managing it to some extent, celebrating everything I have achieved to this point, and remembering that family is so important this time of year. I am counting my blessings and feeling much gratitude for my family and friends far and wide. This is what Christmas is about, and I am also going to get in touch with the spiritual aspects of today and tomorrow. This is not the time to let food anxieties over-ride the joy of this event.

I will get honest and admit that I got on the scale and it registered 159.2. I know it is off from the clinic scale by at least a pound, but even given that, it shows a weight loss this week. Now, this is not something I feel like celebrating -- and this is because I am thinking about all of the torture I have been putting myself through this week. All of the anxiety and tension and fear and obsessiveness. I had a very long talk with my mother last night about my horrible struggles and of course the judgement of myself according to the scale number. I have fallen into exactly what I have feared all along. She was almost in tears and so was I. There is so much work I must do to nip this growing weight obsession in the bud. It is actually like a weed -- and I need to do more than yank it out. I need to use weed killer and get rid of it for good.

It is most definitely time for the scale picture again -- apologies to those who have been following my blog all along because this is the fourth or fifth time I have posted it. But it gives me peace and a little bit of serenity. For those who are also struggling with borderline scale obsessions, please know that you are not alone and those numbers can be so powerful to some people. I send a very big hug to you, and want you to know I think I now understand how these obsessions begin and how they take hold of you. But they can be dismantled. With outside help, with meditation, with self-love and with acceptance that we cannot control everything and that's not a bad thing.

So off I go to start the day. A very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! Blessings and love sent to all.  

The Road To Wisdom

Rise and shine

Interestingly, I awoke this morning with a strange calmness. It feels like some weight has lifted off my shoulders -- some guilt has slipped away, some anxiety has disappeared, some forgiveness of myself is here. I was on the Optifast Chat Support page for quite awhile last night, and penned some emails to Optifast friends about my struggles and I definitely believe this is a factor in how I feel today. Many, many people have told me that journaling your feelings is a very therapeutic thing to do. And they are indeed correct. I feel much, much better.

It is now one day until Christmas Eve. The family is gathering for another dinner this afternoon -- not planned, but I now expect these things. I will participate, I will eat, and I will enjoy myself (as best I can). What I am realizing now is I have options available to me. It is not either full fast or flat out binge. There is the Optifast "partial plan" that consists of a daily schedule of products plus meals. I can begin this on Wednesday, in three days. I have not pursued this option, even discussed it with the clinic, because I have been very bull-headed about doing the Optifast program full-tilt. But, to be fair, I needed to do this to some extent because I was obese and had great discomfort in many ways -- and it is just in my nature to tackle problems this way. Plus, with the thyroid problem, it had to be done to see results. So I will not live in regret about it. What's done is done.

I do hope I have not put off anyone to the Optifast program, or given fodder to those who want to harshly criticize the program as ineffective and a waste of money. Optifast works. I am just finding that you need to "work" too -- and this goes way beyond just having your products and working out every day. There are deep emotional issues at play for many of us, and they are still going to be there when the weight is gone. Honestly, I did not have any real, succinct knowledge of this when I started the program -- this is a sort of "wisdom" that has been developing over the months and growing from conversations with others going through the Optifast program. I just see the "big picture" now so clearly. And it's quite eye-opening.

Looking back, this has been an incredible journey and huge changes are occurring in my life. For the most part, I'm happy, but as you can tell from my posts, there's anxiety and fear interwoven. So things are complex. I guess that's how I am in general, so I shouldn't be surprised. But here's to 2012 and off I go to have my morning shake and finish wrapping presents. 'Tis the season to be jolly. I'll try not to forget it!

 

Straight Talk On The Slippery Slope

Okay. My thoughts are jumbled and my anxiety is through the roof, but I am going to try and lay out my beliefs regarding "the slippery slope" one could possibly find themselves on when they are on the Optifast program and very close to goal. I say "possibly" because we are all different, have different issues with food and weight, and react to stressful and other emotional situations in different ways. Please know that I am speaking from my situation only, and I do not by any means want to deter people from doing Optifast if they choose this program. I just feel better when I write. So here goes.

As you can tell by my prior posts, I am not in a very good state right now -- and I have been engaging in concerning behavior by my own standards. This is all driven by the Christmas holidays; the fact that my program is coming smack dab into this time after 9 months of almost complete adherence to a full fast; and my situation of being 14 lbs. to goal (4 lbs., actually, if I revert back to what I set when I started). I was not prepared for this holiday season emotionally, I never expected to struggle this much, and I have always been prone to anxiety. Many factors are coming into play.

When I talk about a "slippery slope," what I am referring to is temporarily going off plan on your own and starting to consume high-carb, high sugar food. As you know, I had a terrible binge recently, and I classify this as suiting up in my parka and skis and stepping on the slope. Where does the slope go? In my scenario, it goes right back to obesity. Not overnight, but eventually. Since my first horrible binge experience, this is what has transpired:

1. A second binge has occurred, this one yesterday after a very upsetting encounter with a colleague at work. Again, my target was small Christmas cookies. I had six or seven in very short order, and immediately felt like dirt. I wanted the stress and anxiety to go away, but of course it did not. I frantically jumped on the scale when I got home from work. By God's grace, I had Facebook friends to connect with and I communicated with them, plus I called my mother in tears and she helped calm me down.

2. A few hours later, the family gathered at a very upscale restaurant for dinner to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday. I completely broke and had bread, a small piece of cod wrapped in thin potato slices as an appetizer, a large beet salad with fava beans; salmon and potato pancakes, numerous bites of my husband's lobster ravioli, coconut sorbet and then a slice of birthday cake. I was upset all evening long but would not exert any control.

3. Today was to be a full fast day, as instructed by the clinic. I awoke panicked, anxiety-ridden, and jumped on the scale. No gain was apparent. But I felt no relief. I had my morning shake and lunch shake. Then, I went to the grocery store and made an executive decision. I would buy 100-calorie almond snack packs, a chicken breast, spinach, red onion, cucumber, sun-dried tomatoes, and a lemon and lime. I did not have my afternoon shake, instead I had an almond pack. I did not have my soup and last shake, instead I had a grilled chicken breast served on the salad with a citrus vinaigrette I quickly whipped up with some olive oil. I woofed it down and although it was relatively "clean," I felt like a failure that I couldn't stick to my full fast plan.

4. I am now craving chocolate. With nuts. Or maybe a cookie. Anything with sugar. What is saving me is the Jello I wisely made earlier. I will have that soon. I am sitting here right now bewildered, spent, and praying for the holidays to be over. Right now, I don't think I can continue with my commitment to the full fast. And I am gripped in fear and panic that this time next year I will be fatter than I was when I started this journey. And that would devastate me.

I know I need the help of a professional to get the cognitive tools I desperately need to diffuse this panic and anxiety, and make sure I maintain a healthy weight. I do have a talk therapist, and it may very well be I seek out a nutritionist outside of the Optifast network. My husband has suggested that. One thing I now know for sure is I can see and understand why the vast majority of people who do liquid diets gain their weight right back. Dear readers, I do not want to be one of these people. I think I have a shot at beating the odds because I have the ability to see all of these concerning behaviors, talk about them, and try to address them. Hopefully that will put me in good stead.

But let's get real: I have stepped on the slope. I didn't expect it, I hate it, and I want to catch the ski lift back to safer ground. This is going to take very hard work. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Maintenance after a liquid diet is far tougher than the fasting. Please keep that in mind and try your best to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Utilize whatever sources you have to avoid the slope if at all possible. That is my suggestion. I don't wish my situation upon anyone. Again, thanks for reading.        

An "Ah-Ha!" Moment

Woke up this morning with a few realizations about my present situation. First, I have completely forgotten my golden credo that this Optifast journey is "a marathon, not a sprint." How could that have slipped my mind? Second, I have never been on a diet before! Of course I'm confused and bewildered and frightened about gaining weight and losing control. And perhaps most importantly, I have lost an incredible amount of weight and I look and feel fantastic! And isn't that something to celebrate?

I was talking to my brother the other day about my program, and his experience with what I should expect in the maintenance phase and beyond. He was very clear about one thing: Should I gain the weight back, that would not be disappointing to him -- what would bother him immensely would be if I didn't enjoy the wonderful place where I am now. Folks, I have not been enjoying this moment. Well, let me clarify that. I have not been allowing myself to enjoy this time. I've been so wrapped up in my own damn head that these days of celebrating my new-found health (not to mention the Christmas holiday) have been made into a chore. By me. And this requires a serious attitude adjustment. That I commenced this morning.

If it takes me a year to lose 90 lbs., who cares? I can do it, I will do it. I'm 14 lbs. from goal. It's in my sights and I'm almost there. I continue to shed inches, even though the pound loss is slower. And I feel great. On the point that I am a "dieting novice," I am learning as I go, gathering experience and wisdom about pitfalls (i.e. the binge), obsessions, and what it takes to eat in a healthy way and maintain your weight. I go to a fabulous clinic and I am going to take advantage of the $35 weekly counseling sessions with the dietitian after my program ends. I will not just be left to my own devices after I phase off the products. I will have many avenues of support to utilize.

Today I'm going to forgive myself. Be kind, be gentle to myself. I am going to dress for work knowing that I look great, feel great, and it's five days until Christmas Eve, my favorite day of the year. I am going to enjoy my Christmas Day dinner, taking smaller portions and savoring each bite. And if I gain a pound or two at weigh-in the next day, I will absolutely survive and more than likely shed it the following week. Yes, this is a time for celebration. And that is exactly what I am going to do!

Binge: Fear Realized

I suppose there is a first time for everything. We also need reminders that we are human -- all too human -- despite whether we think otherwise. It's taken several days for me to write this post, as the event I am going to describe frightened me so deeply and made me question myself and my capabilities. But if I keep this event inside and don't share it openly, shame might get the best of me. And I certainly don't want that to happen.

As you know, I have been Optifasting for 9 months and have been almost completely compliant with my Optifast program. I had an initial episode a month or two in when I got into trouble with the Optifast peanut butter-chocolate bars and had three in one day -- started eating them candy -- but I quickly nipped it in the bud, stopped buying them, and stayed the course with my product schedule. I did not have a bite of "real" food unless allowed by the clinic. And when I did, it was isolated meals strictly limited to 4 oz. protein, small salad with dressing on the side, and small serving of vegetables. I began having one restricted meal a week after seven months, as allowed by the clinic. This plan worked well.

During the holiday season, which began with Thanksgiving and runs through Christmas Day, the clinic has allowed me some leeway to have more meals per week, but only the restricted meal. I have followed this schedule and have continued to lose weight every week. I was (and to some extent, still am) extremely proud of myself -- despite a terrible metabolism and extremely slow weight loss rate, I have carved off a significant amount of weight. This has not been easy. But I've done/am doing it. Shake by shake.

Throughout this long journey, I have touched on in my blog my concerns that on this diet -- indeed, with any diet -- one must be extremely cautious and cognizant that very unhealthy behaviors may develop. Things bordering on eating disorders, weight obsession, and scale obsession. I have kept this knowledge in the forefront of my mind. I find eating disorders very, very troubling because of the damage they do to oneself and in some cases, one's loved ones. This is why I urge you to be on the lookout for it. I talk with the clinic extensively about my fears of getting an eating disorder, and the steps I can take to prevent it from happening. This is something I take very, very seriously.

On Saturday -- five days ago -- one of my greatest fears was realized. I experienced for the first, and hopefully last, time a full-blown binge. My target: A platter of assorted Christmas cookies that was brought to the family dinner. While the family was relaxing in the den after the meal, I crept into the kitchen -- feeling like a criminal -- and shoved cookie after cookie into my mouth. I have no idea what they tasted like and truth be told, I don't even like cookies. But I could not (or rather would not) stop. I lost count after awhile. I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is I was completely out of control. And I felt like dirt when it was all over. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. I was frightened. Ashamed. Angry. Disgusted. And disappointed in myself, questioning all of my hard work to lose this weight, and my commitment to leading a healthy, happy life.

It took me almost two days to get back to normal. I put my body through the wringer -- all that sugar hitting my system after months of Optifast shocked it considerably. Of course, I put panic over weight gain ahead of panic over what I had possibly done to my body. In fact, I threw my sacred rule of never buying a scale out the window and rushed out the next day to buy a cheap one so I could try and assess the damage. (My mother is helping to encourage me to throw it out. I'll get there soon.) It was horrible. A nightmare. And I never, ever want to go through this again.

All this has left me wondering: Is a binge like this inevitable after months and months of an essentially liquid diet? Is one guaranteed to develop some kind of eating disorder after dropping a considerable amount of weight? Is it true what they say about liquid diets -- they are destined to fail in the long term because the dieter, by getting "instant satisfaction," never learns how to embrace the healthy eating behavior required for permanent weight management? All of these questions and others require much thought and discussion. In my case, my binge and the horrible aftermath will be topic Number One in my discussion with the dietitian this afternoon.

I share this experience because I want each and every one of you to know that, in my opinion, weight loss through a liquid diet absolutely opens the door for a binge to occur. Not a cheat -- that's a given for most -- but a horrible binge that can be very damaging to your self esteem and your body. I don't want any of you to go through what I did. Perhaps you already have. If so, I now join you. Yes, we will recover. And we can learn from the experience. I just never want to go through it again. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

Is This Program Really Healthy For You?

I have just received word that two dear Optifast friends are transitioning off of the products due to serious medical issues. They live all the way across the country, so I cannot hold them and hug them tight; and then praise them mightily for ever so wisely putting their health first. I have said numerous times that doing the Optifast program without the supervision of a clinic, the clinic doctor, and in some cases outside specialists -- who can spot serious medical issues related to liquid diets -- is unwise. This is a rigid, highly restrictive diet, and in my opinion you are playing Russian Roulette with your body if you try to do Optifast on your own.

Lord knows I have had side effects from the products, some serious. My hair is thinning out. My nails are brittle. And most concerning, my sodium level has plummeted. (As you know, I have pickles now to stabilize it.) I take special medication to block the formation of gall stones. And emotionally, I am now frightened of food, gaining weight, and refuse to have a scale in my home because of a concern I will become horribly obsessed with it.

Now, the physical side effects will go away when I reach my goal and discontinue the products. My hair and nails will grow strong again, my sodium level will go back to normal, and I can discontinue the gall bladder medication. The emotional issues I am starting to tackle -- but that's with the assistance of the clinic. I doubt seriously I could overcome them on my own.

You should keep this "big picture" in mind if you are considering the Optifast program, or have just begun the program. If you start contending with serious medical issues, for goodness sake, reconsider whether losing weight through the Optifast products is the right way for you to go. There are other ways to lose weight -- highly successful plans to follow. The Optifast clinics themselves have weight loss plans that just revolve around food, not product. Then there is Weight Watchers to consider. Don't put yourself in harm's way just to be thin. It's just not worth it!

Some individuals may be able to breeze through the Optifast program with little or no side effects. And that's wonderful for them. But if you are like me, and countless others, this will not be the case. Take good care of yourself. And see your physician regularly! Make that priority number one. In some cases, your life may depend on it.  

Progress Photos

Well, tonight I'm torn between crying and cheering. My clinic emailed two pictures to me today -- my "before" picture taken in late March when I started Optifast, and the picture of me today, nine months later. Here they are:

March 2012

December 2012

MEASUREMENTS                                   MEASUREMENTS
Weight: 239.4                                                Weight: 164.3
Neck: 15                                                         Neck: 12 1/2
Chest: 45                                                        Chest: 39
Waist: 44                                                        Waist: 35
Hips: 53                                                           Hips: 41
Right Thigh: 30                                               Right Thigh: 19 1/2

What's so unsettling for me is my expression on the left. I am so sad, so miserable. Frankly, I had no idea I looked that terrible. I had descended to my rock bottom and I'm so glad I took the bull by the horns and did something about it. As you can see on the right, I'm smiling and so happy. I still have 14 lbs. to lose to get to 150 lbs. and a healthy BMI of 24.6. But I'll get there in due course. Guaranteed.

For those considering Optifast, or just starting out on the program, I hope I can motivate you to try the program, and stay the course! Stay compliant and the results are amazing. But let us not forget that the hardest part of my journey is yet to come -- maintaining my weight loss. But the first phase is almost complete. And that's something to celebrate!

Understanding My Limitations

Although I had a terrible night's sleep and have been sluggish all day, I am feeling a little calmer this evening. My Optifast friend Kathy sent me a list of recommended foods for transition, and just having it has strangely made me feel better. I know my clinic probably has the same list and will give it to me shortly, but it helps to get a peek at it tonight. As you know, my anxiety level has been jacked up considerably but seeing this list has tempered some of that.

I think what is truly rattling me is I did not anticipate falling victim to holiday stress, which for me includes the in-law visit. Also, my past history on Optifast showed me I could successfully manage holidays and not be thrown for a loop, and I never expected having any trouble right now. But things are just not rolling along that way. I'm a victim, of sorts, of bad timing -- my final countdown to goal is happening right smack dab in the middle of the Christmas/New Years holidays. I do wish I started my program earlier than March, but as always, hindsight is 20/20 vision.

I also now realize that I am a perfectionist as far as this program goes. I do not want any slips, and I give myself no leeway to deviate from the plan. In other words, I am trying to be inhuman -- and that is ridiculous and unnecessary. The fact I have identified this problem is half the battle. So that's a good thing. I'm going to need to work with the clinic to learn how to dismantle this perfectionism, because it is not doing me any good.

To make it through this holiday season with no slips is going to be very, very difficult. And I need to learn that if I do slip, it's okay. I need to learn how to forgive myself. This is new behavior, but I'm open to trying it. I have my weigh-in and consultation with the dietitian tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lean On Me

Woke up this morning gripped in panic and wound up tight as a drum. Panicked about the holidays, disruptions in my eating routine, food temptations, the in-law visit, just everything. I called my Mom in Florida, who I've been talking to twice a day for the past two weeks, and just blurted out all of my frustration and fear and anxiety about gaining weight. It helped some, but I ended taking the day off of work to try and collect myself and get my act together.

Way back in this blog, I wrote about how important I think it is to build up an Optifast support network of individuals you can rely on when you are struggling with your program.  This can include the professionals and program participants at the clinic; your family; friends; and new Optifast friends you meet electronically. Well, now more than ever, I am so glad I have a good support system in place to help keep me from going over the proverbial cliff.

Several Optifast friends read yesterday's blog entry about the brownie incident and sent messages of support. They mean so much to me -- and make me realize that the only ones who truly understand what I am going through are those who have been through the Optifast program themselves. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have these fellow Optifasters to communicate with on a daily basis. I'd probably be in an out-of-control relapse, for all I know. At this juncture, I'm terrified about maintenance, but I know with the support of the clinic, my Mom and my friends I can muddle my way through.

It's so clear to me that this weight loss journey involves so much more than just shedding all the weight. In my case, my whole relationship with food has changed. Right now, I see it as the enemy. I know this won't last forever, but that's how I view it at this point. I'm uncomfortable and I don't like it. I'll definitely be talking to the dietitian about it. Deep breath, Melissa. Everything is going to be okay.  

Troubling Thoughts And Troubling Actions

Today I am terribly concerned about something that transpired yesterday when the family was assembled for dinner. My mother in-law, who loves to cook like I do, made chili, cornbread, coleslaw slathered in mayonnaise, and extra-chocolate brownies. I followed the clinic's plan and brought my vegetables, had plain slaw lettuce with no-calorie dressing, and agreed to have a small hamburger patty. I thought I would have no problem eating my meal and moving on to conversation and watching television in the den. But no, this did not happen.

I began to obsess over what people were eating. I also began to obsess over my hamburger patty and frantically trying to calculate in my head how many calories were in it. The thoughts were tormenting me, swirling around and although I tried to squeeze them out of my head, they wouldn't go away. It was horrible. When we moved into the den, I grew silent, not paying attention to anything anyone was saying. All I could think about was food. I was going into dangerous territory. That I knew for sure.

To make matters worse, I started craving a bite of a brownie, and before I knew it, I crept back into the kitchen and, feeling like a criminal, picked one up and down the gullet it went. I barely tasted it. Instantly I was gripped with panic. Guilt washed over me. What had I done? How many calories had I consumed? Did I knock myself out of ketosis? Should I go make myself throw up? Does this mean I am a failure and will ultimately collapse and all the weight is going to come back? I hate myself, I thought. I wish my in-laws would go away, I prayed. I am out of control, I decided. For the first time, I cursed Optifast and wondered if I had somehow damaged myself emotionally. Help. I'm drowning.

I'm back on product today and if there's one thing I know for sure it's I need to get my butt to the clinic to hash this out with the dietitian. This goes way beyond implementing strategies to side-step gobbling up sweet treats, like drinking tea with cinnamon (appetite suppressant) or drinking sweet diet cola. This is about weight and food obsession and the psychological issues plaguing those with eating disorders. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am NOT going there -- I've seen the damage it causes individuals and families. This is the main reason I will not have a scale in my home. I want this nipped in the bud immediately. And I need help from a professional. 

Yes, this is without a doubt the most challenging month I have experienced on my Optifast journey. I'm struggling, but I'm still pushing onward. One foot in front of the other. I will get through this. And I will know peace. 

I've Come A Long Way, Baby!

This morning I'm here drinking my coffee and in a state of half-shock, half immense joy. I had another very good weight loss this week and I now, dear readers, weigh 164 lbs. Yup, it's true. I am just a mere four pounds from my initial goal of 160 lbs. Which makes it 14 more pounds left to lose before I am at the finish line: 150 lbs. Healthy at last. Where did all the time go? It feels like this has just crept up overnight. But no, this has been a long journey. Longer than I ever thought when I started, back in late March. So my baby brother nailed it on the head after all -- expect 8-12 months to get the 90 lbs. off. I'll never doubt him again.

If you have just stumbled upon my blog, let me clarify that I have a terrible metabolism and a thyroid disease and this caused my slow loss rate. But Optifast did/does indeed work for me. I just needed to hunker down and see this thing through, with strict compliance and adherence to the clinic's guidance. Nothing more, nothing less. My unwavering commitment to getting healthy again drove me the whole way. It was never about looking good in skinny jeans. This is about saving my life.

On the food front: While the in-laws are here for the holidays, the clinic is allowing me to have two dinners per week. One can be at a restaurant. It remains restricted to fish or chicken, vegetables, and salad with low-cal dressing on the side. I have purchased some Walden Farms zero calorie dressings and they aren't too bad. So far, I am handling things fairly well. Side-stepping all the tempting Christmas treats with not much of a problem. My personal goal is to come out of the month of December with continued average weight loss of 2.2 lbs. a week. My mom says it might be more practical to expect a net 1-2 lb. gain, but I'm feeling more optimistic. We shall see.

I should have a current picture up next week. The clinic will be taking some and doing my measurements. I'm very excited to see where I stand. Almost home. At last!

  

Biggest Challenge Yet

Greetings all and apologies for my absence. I was overwhelmed by work, then took a week's vacation in Florida and now my in-laws are visiting for six weeks. They are staying at my Mom's place while she winters in Florida. I have been facing some huge challenges as I continue to move forward to my new goal weight of 150 lbs. It is the holiday season, of course, and when family is brought into the mix that means one thing: FOOD. It is everywhere and I must navigate around it, and I am finding the waters choppy indeed.

I was very fortunate to come out of the Florida trip with a three pound loss. I left for Florida weighing 171 lbs. and gratefully weighed in at 168 lbs. last week. This was accomplished even though I had "real" food for dinner for five nights straight. The secret? Strict adherence to the small salad, fish, vegetable rule. I had my meals planned in advance before I left, viewing the restaurant menus online and when we had dinner at home, I instructed my Mom to buy certain things and prepare them a certain way. I also walked the beach with my husband -- not at a sprint, rather, leisurely but they were long walks.

However, some trouble started brewing when we returned to Columbus. Instead of being able to return to my full fast, I have been gathering with my husband's family for dinners. I feel very, very awkward bringing my product, and it's not really my place to dictate what food should be served and how the food should be prepared. I'm torn because I want to join in with everyone but I know I must try as hard as I can to stay compliant and get to the finish line. There were two dinners my mother-in-law cooked this week and a third is planned for tonight at a restaurant. I initially thought about trying to steer everyone to the place I go to with my husband where there is a very lo-cal salad I like, but that does not appear to be favorable to anyone.

So I made an "executive decision." I am going to excuse myself from dinner tonight.

Now, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone. But this is huge for me. I have never done something like this before and I feel terribly guilty. The in-laws travel a very long way to be here with us and my absence will be glaringly obvious. But I just have to put together some days of only Optifast products. As you know, my weight loss has been so slow -- any pound gained takes me twice as long to get off. I'd be devastated if I came out of this month with no weight lost at all. I want this phase of the journey over and I still have almost 20 lbs. to lose. That's a good two months full fasting on product for me.

This is going to be a real test for the next six weeks. I'll be here blogging to keep me sane. Fortunately I have my mother to call, support at the clinic, Optifast friends online and my husband assisting me along the way. It's one day at a time. I will not forget that.