Fear And Frustration

Still unsettled from the craving yesterday. I guess what's throwing me a bit is, for the past five months, I only had cravings twice. That's it. And recently I have had two cravings in one week. Quite an expedited situation. I'm struggling right now, leaning towards blaming myself for some perceived "shortcoming" in my attitude, my commitment to the program. I know this is crazy thinking, and I need to just stop being so hard on myself. I need to relax, understand that the cravings are normal, and realize I know how to handle them successfully. This is a no-brainer. So why do I make things so complex? Why do I remain in this state of turmoil?

Part of what's going on, I think, is I really fear the cravings because I may fold and eat something bad -- and that would hinder my weight loss which has been so achingly slow. Watching my weight drop in only 2 lb. weekly increments -- with some weigh-ins registering a zero loss or a slight gain -- has been terribly difficult to accept. I have though, but it's been a real fight. Yes, I do try to have a positive outlook on things, but sometimes, like now, I just want to throw my arms up in the air and scream, "You know, this is hard! It's frustrating! I can't stand it! It's not fair!"

I guess it could be seen as a small miracle that I have held on as long as I have. The emotional ups and downs have been challenging; my scale issues have tested my self-esteem; knowing I am not reaching goal as soon as others is anxiety-producing. Yet I keep going, day in and day out, staying compliant. Honestly, I have to dig deep sometimes, and as you may recall, there was a time a few weeks back when I brought up the possibility of quitting. Obviously, I haven't. I keep chugging along. But it's tough. Especially right now.

I'm glad I have this blog to write out my feelings, because I need a place to vent my frustrations with the program. More specifically, my frustration with the way my body is responding to the program. I think I am angry with my body, the thyroid disorder, the poor metabolism. I didn't ask for it, but I've got it. I rarely allow myself to express anger -- not sure why -- and it probably serves no purpose here. But that's how I feel today. Time for a deep breath. Close my eyes and re-focus. Everything is going to be okay.

I'll keep moving forward. I can overcome my obstacles. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be afraid. I have roughly 30 more pounds to lose and I'll get there. I know it. Patience, Melissa. Serenity. Acceptance. I know I am growing and will come out on the other end a better, stronger person. Great wisdom comes from a long journey. That is a precious gift being handed to me. I am grateful for it.

Perhaps the peace I seek will come from this gratitude. Yes, I think that's probably true. I will work to embrace an "attitude of gratitude." This will give me strength to continue to my goal and beyond. I feel better now. What a relief.