Shedding The Fabric "Scuba Suit"

My friend Kathy recently posted on her Optifast blog about her experience hiding behind clothes that were too big for her. She has lost a significant amount of weight and, like all of us, has had to buy smaller and smaller clothes along the way. She and I have something in common: we feel uncomfortable in clothes that actually fit properly. In my case, I call my baggy clothes my fabric "scuba suit" and I am very reluctant to take it off. It protects me, I reason, from judgement -- but in actuality, I only come across as a disheveled mess.

I went ahead and did go to Walmart today and bought four pairs of size 14W pants (two pairs of jeans and two slacks for work), three XL blouses and a black XL cardigan. Although the pants are a little too big in the waist, everything pretty much fits the way it should, and I will look more presentable than I have in years. The shirts are tailored; the pants are form-fitting; the sweater hangs nicely along my sides. You would think that I'd be thrilled about this, but honestly, I find myself feeling a little scared right now. You see, it's been a very, very long time since I felt good -- really good -- in clothes. I am not adjusting to this new situation over night. This is going to take some time for me to be comfortable.

Obviously, I need to wear other clothes than just these to work, and I am currently relying on 2X shirts and sweaters and some 16W pants. You can see why I am "swimming" in this kind of suit. I just feel safe in these things, still, despite my 56 lb. weight loss. I have also yet to donate my larger clothes to the Salvation Army -- this is something that yes, does concern me, as my hesitancy signals the fear of gaining all the weight back. Now, I have put most everything in a separate bin (with the exception of some work clothes), so it's ready when I'm ready. I'm trying not to beat myself up, rather keep giving myself time to feel comfortable in the donation decision. I can't push it. It has to come naturally. That's just how I operate.

But I am changing, slowly, but changing nevertheless. In addition to the new clothes, I have also started experimenting with wearing more make-up. The two are seeming to go hand in hand. I feel better and I want to look better -- take more time to look the best I can. Before the weight loss, not only did I look disheveled but I barely wore any make-up or accessories. It was as if I didn't care anymore. That is starting to change and I am very intrigued by this. I guess I am starting to allow myself to feel proud of my accomplishments, and to show them off more. This is new territory for me. We shall see where the road takes me.

So for now, I've got a few things to tide me over until the next shopping excursion. That will probably be in a month or so. Lord, I'm sick of shopping. But I shouldn't complain. It's all for a good cause. Me!