It's Critical: A Good Support Group

Millie and I have talked about how important it is to have people backing you on your decision to follow the Optifast program. This was never a problem for me, as I have family members who have Optifasted, my husband was on board, and my doctors were encouraging it. But I have met folks who encounter great resistance and negativity when they reveal they are Optifasting. I can only imagine how much more difficult this makes the person's Optifast journey. This is a challenging program and support is needed.

I make sure to interact with my friends at the clinic and root them on -- several women did that for me and it carried me through some very, very difficult times. There's that old saying, "It takes one to know one" and hands down I believe the best support comes from those who are in the program/have completed the program/have experience with the program.

In this wonderful age of technology, we now have the ability to electronically "connect" with people from all over the world who have experience with the Optifast program. Specifically I am referring to Facebook -- but there are also personal Optifast blogs that we can read as well. This is truly a wonderful thing. In my case, my Facebook friends have helped me through some very low times, some horrific cravings, and my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual battles with maintenance. When you are going through a lifestyle change, it's a monumental thing, and I'd argue impossible to do on your own.

At the top of my blog, you will see links to several things: official Optifast sites as well as specific Optifast support groups available on Facebook. I encourage you to check out these links and explore the support opportunities available to you. I have shared this information with my clinic and encourage you to do the same. If you do not have a Facebook account, they are easy to set up and it's free. Give it a try!

You don't have to go through this program alone. Reach out and help is there. Hope to "see" you on Facebook soon!

On Anxiety And Obsession

For those who have been following me along throughout this whole journey, you will most likely remember the repeated vows I made while I was Optifasting that I would not become obsessed with the scale. There are many reasons why I said that -- the key one being I find it a colossal waste of time. It can also, for some people, wreck your serenity and life is just too short for that. Yet ever since I hit maintenance, my obsession with that dreaded contraption (and my weight) has grown and grown. And I've been lamenting this for a long, long time.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he shed some light on this matter. As you know, I have anxiety disorder and take medication for it. And I asked him today: Does obsessiveness cause the anxiety or does anxiety cause the obsessiveness? And he said it was the latter. My anxiety, if left unchecked and not, in my case, medicated properly will spark the obsessive thinking -- and my current "target" is the scale.

We've had to increase my anxiety medication several times since I began maintaining. Do I like this? Heck no. Sometimes I feel like the medication is a "crutch." Other times I think I should be able to "do it all" and "pull myself up by the bootstraps." On rare occasions, I feel like a freak. Stigma against mental disorders is alive and well in the United States, despite noble efforts to eradicate it.

But at least I got some insight today, some explanation why I am struggling so much with the scale and my swings in weight. I know many, many people who have absolutely no problem with the scale, and I have felt so dejected and downtrodden that it poses a huge problem for me. I see so clearly why I avoided weighing at all pre-Optifast. I think I intuitively knew scales were not a good thing for me, could upset me, posed a "danger" for me.

However -- let us step back and go over some things about weight management. Studies show that we stand the best shot at maintaining our weight by, among other things,  a.) watching/tracking calories; b.) exercise; c.) weighing regularly; and d.) addressing emotional triggers. Weighing regularly is right up there. Knowing I am going to the clinic on Wednesdays to get weighed keeps me on track and staying compliant with a healthy eating routine. No question about it. If I want to keep this weight off, I have to weigh myself. I have to face the scale and see the result -- and process the emotions that result from that.

My hope, my dream is that the anxiety medication in conjunction with time and weighing experience will knock out the obsessiveness and get me to a more relaxed state. I have to be patient here, and I know from my Optifasting experience I can dig deep and find that. I'm strong when it's required. I guess that's an asset.

To all those contending with a situation similar to my own, please know you are not alone, you are not a "freak," and we will get through this. With time comes wisdom. And our true strength lies there.
    

The Mental "Flip Flop"

Well, let's see. How do I describe how I'm feeling right now? Conflicted might be a good word. One minute I'm hell-bent on carving off the 8 -12 lb. swing in weight gain I've put on since concluding Optifasting. The next day I wonder if I'm just happiest hanging out where I am. It's a mental "flip flop" that can drive a person crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it is just inevitable that when you reach goal, even if you watch what you eat very, very closely -- and exercise every day -- there's just going to be some weight gain that doesn't go away. But then other days, I question whether this is really true, or simply an excuse to slip slide yourself away to gaining all your weight back.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should have just mustered more strength to get down 150 lbs., which probably would mean another 5-6 weeks on product. But then I remember how my body just "told me" it was time to stop, and my anxiety was running pretty high too. No, 9 1/2 months Optifasting was enough. I had to move on, had to resume eating "real" food, and I was, frankly, ready to begin the challenge of maintenance. I made it to goal. Onward to the next phase.

I believe I've mentioned this before, but here's the upshot: If I follow a tightly monitored eating regime, keep my calories around 1,200 - 1,300 a day; walk 1-2 miles a day; and have the 1-2 binges that seem to always result from this, I can slowly lose weight and very likely get back down to 165 lbs. If I watch what I eat very closely, taking in 1,350 calories 5 days a week; take in 1,600-1,800 calories 2 days a week; walk 1-2 miles a day; and as a result have few if any binges, I stay on average 10 lbs. over goal.

Now, anything that knocks out those binges is on its face a good thing. Anyone who had/have bingeing episodes knows what I am talking about. But the trade-off, well, it's those extra pounds which for me exacerbate the fear I have of gaining my weight back. I also remember how I looked in my new clothes at 160 lbs., how nice (at times) it was seeing that scale registering 160 lbs., how "solid" I felt that I would be in that "elite" group who Optifasted and kept all their weight off. Those things felt good.

But -- and this is a big but -- there are definitely times when I stop and say to myself, "You know, I'm happy being 10 lbs. over goal; I like my days where I "allow" myself to take in more calories; I'm not in the "elite" group, but who cares?? I'm me, and this is where I belong!" Again, my thinking changes day by day, week by week. Yes, it's frustrating.

I will say without any ounce of doubt that my weekly weigh-ins at the CONCI clinic keep me very, very focused on at least capping my weight gain where it is, and it motivates me to shed some pounds. Because I weigh there in the afternoon, my result will be 2 lbs. over my morning weigh-in (which I now use to report my weight here). But this will always be my "official" weight, the one written down and charted, and I take it very, very seriously. For example, I had three dinners this week that fit into that 1,600 - 1,800 calorie range, and I took in extra salt. And I weighed in at 174 lbs. today -- out of my "new normal" range of 168 - 172 lbs. That's 176 lbs. on the clinic scale. And that, folks, I definitely do not like.  

Well, as we all know by now, this is a journey, and I continue to bumble along on my road. Actually, at this moment, I do think I'm doing a pretty good job. Going to the clinic helps; interacting with Optifasters on Facebook helps; reading helps; blogging helps; my husband helps. I've got the bases covered. I don't think I'll ever have maintenance mastered and that's AOK. Practice, imperfect progress, One Day at a Time. That works best for me. Always!

Takin' Care Of Business

Just a dab will do!

Very proud of myself right now. As you know, I ran water over that bag of Shredded Wheat and pitched it. Yesterday, I put a big glob of dishwashing liquid in the peanut butter jar, ran water over it, shook it up, then threw it out. Yes, I feel like a freak doing this, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to get rid of temptations that lure you away from your healthy eating schedule. Next up are the Fiber One bars. For some reason, I don't want to get rid of those. I know I have to because they are like candy to me (same as the Optifast bars were) and feed a bad night-eating habit. Yet I'm in a holding pattern. I will try to ditch those this afternoon.

Speaking of night-eating, I was at the clinic yesterday for my maintenance class with Kathy and after that concluded I popped into Millie's office for a quick hello. We talked about how this night-eating is definitely "red flag" behavior, and can usher in an eating disorder. For example, I have had several times where I woke up in the middle of the night and came down and had Shredded Wheat. This is what I am talking about. It is not normal and I have to curb this behavior immediately before I slip into a hole and it is hard to get out. Some cognitive "rewiring" is needed here. So I'm going to work on this. I'll probably feel great discomfort at first, but I'm tough and will work my way through it.

As the days pass, I am also getting more focused on shedding that 5-6 lbs. to get me back down to 165 lbs. I know I have been talking about getting comfortable with a "new normal" of 168 - 172 lbs., but every day I am feeling more strongly about tightening back up again. I'm also looking ahead to that holiday season that runs from Halloween through New Year's Day. Most will plow on 10 lbs. during this time and I just can't afford having that happen. Now, if I'm down around 165 lbs., I may have a little wiggle room. But honestly, I just have to stay focused here on holding a healthy weight.

So I guess I want to relay that you have to be very much aware of the "weight creep" that for me, started up after I had been maintaining for about 5 months. There were some vacations thrown in there, and I really started over-indulging in nice restaurants. Tightening back up, I'm finding, is difficult but necessary to keep things from continuing to escalate. Also keep an eye out for night time grazing and eating, and if you are waking up in the middle of the night and eating, know that is a clear danger signal.

I was told over and over and over again that maintenance was going to be the most difficult part of my weight management lifestyle change journey. And folks, it's true. But stay focused, stay on top of things, and you'll be okay. Oh -- and also do your emotional/coping skills work i.e. breaking that terrible pattern of eating to process feelings of sadness, distress, anxiety, heck, good moods...studies show that addressing emotional eating works better than simple "I'll avoid this food" strategies. Those often fail.

Onward I go down this dusty road. Fortunately I've got walking buddies. I'm going to get this maintenance mastered. My head is in the right place and so is my heart. Come join our little group. We'd love to have you! Take care all.

Deviations: Payin' The Piper

The culprit? If you don't measure, yes!

Well, let's see. How does Melissa feel today? Grrrr. I can't seem to budge off of a morning weigh-in of 171 lbs. and I feel like I've been here for weeks. Has it been that long? Who the heck knows. On the one hand, I'm certainly in that "new normal" range I set for myself of 168 - 172 lbs. (Morning weigh in, not clinic weigh in, which is in the afternoon.) Roughly 10 lbs. over goal. But it's no secret everyone -- I want that scale moving down, just as it did when I was Optifasting. Every week, down, on average, 2.2 lbs.

I'm not going to kid myself. I even caught myself yesterday fantasizing about Optifasting again, even though I know deep down that's not an option for me because I know how to maintain, I am maintaining, and frankly I'm very happy with my current eating schedule. But the fantasy is alive and well. So "grrrrr" some more.

Let's look at this straight up: Medicine adjustments automatically put 5 lbs. on me. That took me up to 165 lbs. I believe it would be extremely difficult if not completely impossible to take that off without Optifast, or some similar very low calorie diet. So what we are really talking about here is shedding about 5 lbs. Five stupid pounds.

Now, I'm going to get honest here. My current eating regime has been "adjusted." As you know, I have the oatmeal breakfast; turkey sandwich/cottage cheese/V-8 lunch; apple/cheese stick snack; and dinner I prepare emphasizing fiber, low calorie, low salt. But here's the kicker: I started getting bored with my evening Fiber One concoction, so I've started having a bowl of Shredded Wheat and Bran with skim milk. Sometimes two bowls. I do not measure it. And then before bed, I have a Fiber One protein bar. Oops. Might this explain part of the 5 pound weight gain? Sigh.  

So we are left with the following conclusion: This current eating pattern and my exercise of walking 1-2 miles a day keeps me in my "new normal" range. Period. I know for a fact I am not going to go back to eating those sparse dinners. Forget about that. That may have kept me closer to 165 lbs., but believe me, I was suffering emotionally. I also know that if my history is correct, I will naturally shed some weight come December and throughout the winter months. So if I am on some "plateau," I won't be here forever.

But there is some room here for improvement. Specifically, the night eating of Shredded Wheat and Fiber One Protein bars. Me thinks I am going down a slippery slope...I am going to try to "tighten up" this week and see what happens. I ran water over the Shredded Wheat. Haven't ditched the Fiber One bars yet. Maintenance. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I don't like you today!

With This Ring

Celebrating 12 years!

Well good morning to all! I'm in a wonderful, relaxed mood. Two days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary, and I am filled with such joy and love right now. My beautiful right-hand ring was falling off and he took it to the jewelers and had it re-sized. He also found my "engaged to be engaged" ring and had that repaired and resized. He presented the "new" rings to me during dinner. It was a wonderful surprise!

You know, it's these little things like having your rings not fit because your fingers are slimming down that make the Optifast experience so rewarding. Having my rings adjusted just made my heart soar. At my heaviest, 239 lbs., my right-hand ring no longer fit and was tucked away in a cabinet, and my wedding rings were so tight they wouldn't come off. Frankly, I wasn't really anticipating that I would end up an entire ring size smaller when my full fasting phase concluded. What a delight this is! Not reflected on that darn scale. And more reason for me to encourage those on product to not get wrapped up in the scale number, rather think of inches shed.

I am excited to get back to the clinic tomorrow. I've had conflicts and been unable to get there for several weeks and I count on that clinic weigh-in for accountability -- the registered weight goes in my file, and I really care about that. I'm on the high end of my 167 - 172 lb. range, but I'm coming off of my anniversary weekend eating and I know it's the salt. I keep very steady with my eating routine during the week and only ease up when we have our dinners out. I had two dinners out over the weekend, so that explains things. But I know I'll get things reigned back in due course. I'm a pro at this now!

I need to discuss with Millie this "new normal" I have of 8-10 lbs. over goal. My body just likes being here. My mood is good, I feel like I have energy, I feel content. I'm wondering if there's some science behind this -- even though according to the BMI I'm on the low end of overweight, my body is happy. I can move with ease. My vitals are excellent. Perhaps that 160 lb. goal weight just wasn't sustainable? I'm not sure. We'll go over this.

Now, I want to be careful here and not deter you from reaching your goal weight. That is based on numerous factors, and I went over this with the clinic when we first set 160 lbs. as my goal. The day I hit this number was very, very special for me. I had full fasted, for the most part, for 9 months to get there and when I reached my goal it was wonderful. And when I think about it, reaching goal gave me room to put back on this roughly 10 lb. increase, and still look good and feel great.

Yes, I am so blessed right now. I'm walking a freshly-paved section of the road right now. It will inevitably get bumpy again -- no surprise there -- but for now I'm walking with confidence. Hooray!

Tellin' It Like It Is

Color me happy!

Good evening dear readers. I was thinking about what to write tonight, and wanting to get back to some more "uplifting" posts. It's extremely hard -- actually, impossible -- to be overwhelmingly positive about maintenance all the time. You know well from my posts I've had many, many struggles. And I really want to be honest about them. This is no leisurely walk in the park. Not by a long stretch.

But, I will say without hesitation that I feel more in control of things. Tonight, anyway. By this I mean I know now my weight swings from excess salt in my dinner out once a week (5-7 lbs.); that it will take 5-7 days to get back down; that I am embracing a "new normal" of 8-10 lbs. over my goal weight achieved; that joining my husband and eating the same dinner he does makes me very happy; and that I feel very comfortable eating the same breakfast, lunch and two snacks every day. Now, that may change. And I'm hopeful I'll be open to that. But right now, today, I'm happy with what I'm doing.

The dinners I prepare for my husband and myself are very, very different from what I cooked pre-Optifast. Right now, I am exploring www.eatingwell.com, and I do look for recipes that are high fiber/high protein and lower calorie and reduced sodium. I know menus emphasizing this help me maintain. I encourage you to explore Eating Well and Cuisine Lite. It's critical we prepare our own meals if we want to manage our weight.

What really pleases me is I purchased very few clothing items when I was at my lowest weight -- 157 lbs. Actually, I bought most of my clothing that was a size larger and everything fits perfectly right now. You know I hate wasting money, and I'm so happy it didn't turn out that I did. Actually, I would advise everyone to not plow a significant amount of money into clothing when you reach your goal weight. Maybe a few pieces, but don't get rid of the size larger. Just in case. (I'm pretty convinced it's highly likely your body will just settle into a weight it likes -- and that's probably an increase of 5-10 lbs. from goal. I could be wrong, but several Optifast friends have mentioned this.)

Now, as for those clothes two, three, four sizes larger, get rid of them! Embrace the "New You" you are becoming. I mentioned previously it took me a long, long time to do this, but when I finally let go of those clothes I felt fabulous. I'm not going back to the Women's section. Oh no, that's a promise to myself I intend to keep.

I guess you can "color me happy" tonight. I really feel at peace. I've got a rhythm, a routine going that works for me. I know it's not for everyone. Oh -- I almost forgot to add my exercise routine. I walk at least one mile every day and my husband purchased me a bike rental pass that I can use to rent a bike and cycle around Columbus. It's fun. I'm finding if I like the type of exercise I do, I feel motivated. So Melissa the Couch Potato is gone. She could come back -- Winter turns me into a slug -- but right now no Couch Potato for me!

Will maintenance someday be fun? Well, I don't know. In my case, it requires vigilance and structure. But honestly, I don't mind that as long as I get my dinner out once a week. I guess maintenance is work. And some days I really like going to the office -- but other days I'd pay to be somewhere else. Ah, it's just ultimately a journey. One foot in front of the other, forward I go. Thanks for joining me on this adventure. What a ride it continues to be!

Off Schedule

Feelin' dicey

I am finding that if I deviate from my established eating schedule, things get a little dicey. By this I mean if I don't have the breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, snack routine, I will start grazing at night and find it hard to get the brakes on. This has happened a few times and happened today. I did not have my afternoon snack and that put the ball in motion for some choppy eating for the rest of the night.

I'm drinking my hot tea now and chewing gum, and the grazing has stopped, but I'm feeling a twinge of regret that things momentarily slipped. I've put on a few water-weight pounds from my weekend eating, and I want to get that off. Grazing undermines that. But rather than beat myself up, I know to just put this behind me and move forward with staying out of the kitchen.

I liked Optifast because it taught me how to have an eating schedule. That was something that was definitely lacking in my eating life before I started the program. I starved all day and ate with abandon at night. Lots of people in my clinic ate the same way. We learned that our bodies stored that food as fat because they learned that we would be starving all day and would need some energy to get through the day. And there I was thinking the starving would help me lose weight! Wrong.

I have also had some emotions swirling around in my head lately. Some boredom, some frustration, the desire to "escape" some personal issues. Food had been a go-to for me in the past to get through these emotional things. But I'm working now to reverse that trend. It's a process, as we know all too well.

It's getting chilly outside which means I can start having my hot baths, which I love. In fact, I think I'm going to go upstairs and get a bath going right now. Sleep well all.  

Weekend Warrior?

Not you again!

It's Friday morning, and I'm sitting here trying to draw up a mental plan of how I am going to make it through this weekend, eating wise. The problem is not controlling what I eat for my breakfast, lunch and snacks. Oh no, the problem is what I will eat/how much I will eat tonight and tomorrow night.

Let me set the stage: Tonight is the season opener for my beloved Columbus Blue Jackets hockey team. My husband and I always go out to eat before the game, to the same restaurant, and I know what I can order there that is lower-calorie. So that's fine. But when we get to the arena, oh those damn hot dogs...I love them so much, and I can easily gobble down two. You might remember me talking about the hockey arena hot dogs many months back.

I really have to fight such a strong urge to get one. When I was obese, I would tell my husband I had to go to the bathroom, and go to the hot dog vendor and get myself a frank and gobble it down in about 30 seconds flat so my husband didn't know. I wonder if anyone else has done this? Fighting my hot dog obsession is going to be tough.

The 'ole Surf & Turf

The second thing I am focusing on is the cookout we are having tomorrow night, Saturday, before my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes football team takes on Northwestern. I am bringing filet mignons wrapped in bacon (gift from my boss) and lobster tails. I wanted a "Surf and Turf" cookout. Now, filets are lean cuts, so I can manage to eat half of mine and be okay. But the lobster...who doesn't love succulent lobster meat dipped in drawn butter? Lord help me.

So I've got a weekend filled with sand traps and I'm not sure how everything will play out. I'm trying to keep calm, trying to remember that I don't have to eat everything on my plate. Have I told you maintenance is hard? (wink, wink) I'll fill you in on how everything goes. One step at a time, Melissa. Stay in the "now."  

Breaking Free From Restrictions

Dear readers, I announce some progress! First off, I had my anxiety medicine adjusted on Monday and that brought instant relief. And what followed was my very important decision to start breaking my restrictive, repetitive dinner menus. I can't let go of eating the same breakfast (oatmeal), lunch (2 oz turkey sandwich and 1/2 cup cottage cheese), afternoon snack (small apple and cheese stick) and evening snack (Fiber One, non-fat yogurt, berries and almonds). But I have made up my mind that for dinner, I am going to branch out and try new things, and eat what I cook for my husband.

Now, I am definitely preparing dinners that emphasize high fiber/high protein; low sodium and low calories. I am now exploring cooking websites and ordering magazines (I'm old school) to guide me in locating these types of recipes. A new magazine, Eating Well, caught my eye and I like it because when I go to their website, www.eatingwell.com, I can filter recipes by fiber, protein and low calorie content. I haven't been able to find a site that works like this, so I'm intrigued.

My husband, of course, is my test subject and he is just loving what I prepare. And guess what: He is losing weight! He's grown rather attached to the scale too. But not someone like me who gets anxious around it. Lucky him. My dream has been to sit down and eat the same meal as he does, so we enjoy it together. This has rarely, rarely happened since I hit maintenance and I miss it. But now things are slowly changing and I'm thrilled.

I'm very pleased to report that my bingeing is non-existent now. This is not to say it won't crop up again, but for now I feel satiated and in control. The medicine is probably coming into play here a little bit. But it's not a "crutch," as I really do need it. Right now I feel happy and calm and content. It's wonderful. Took me about 8 months to get to this state, but I'm here now and very, very thankful.

Because of a rescheduled talk therapy appointment, I was not able to make it to the clinic today for my weekly weigh-in. But according to my scale, I was 169 lbs. this morning, right where I need to be in my "new normal" range. Sure, I'd love to be down lower, but as I said, I'm content and my state of mind is good right now. So this is a "happy report" from where I sit tonight. As always, thanks to all who are assisting me through my rocky (as of late) maintenance journey. The road is starting to smooth out. It's about time!