Minefield: The Office Kitchen!

I wonder: What's in those cabinets?

So in this weight battle I am waging, I often have to tip toe around land mines -- a sometimes tedious task but one that must be done. When I was Optifasting, it was a fairly easy for me because I was very, very committed to to full compliance, and deeply aware of the money I was spending on product. But now, I am in the real food maintenance world. Which means I must always be on guard for "explosives."

Something very eye-opening happened to me yesterday. I accompanied the Office Manager to Sam's Club, that bulk-buying shopper's "paradise" owned by Walmart. Now, my husband and I cannot have children, so it's just us and we live in place without a lot of storage space. Subsequently,  I don't buy in bulk and hence don't go to Sam's Club. This was a rare visit for me.

Our mission was to buy assorted things for the office. And this included things that are stocked in the office kitchen. And by that I mean candy, cookies, snack cakes, crackers and chips. For an office of 5 people. And wouldn't you know, Sam's Club has all of these things in row upon row, right near the check out counters, so they are easy to spot and reach. How convenient!

What is very compelling to me is, as we maneuvered our cart down these aisles, I started to get very uncomfortable. Huge bags and boxes of very, very caloric, fattening things. I don't buy these things for our home. And I rarely walk down the aisles in my grocery store where they are kept. Suddenly here I was, literally surrounded by this junk. I didn't care if "the price was right." Folks, I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I watched like a hawk everything that went into our cart. The choices made and the sheer volume of it all. And I thought to myself, "Sure, we're saving money, but isn't there a connection between having more and eating more?!" And I thought about the newest employee we have, who told me he gained 10 lbs. in the first month he started working with us. In good part from all the things he was eating at the office. With this kind of selection to choose from, I'm actually surprised he hasn't gained more.

I really do love our Office Manager -- she's a good friend of mine -- and we've been walking together and I give her handouts and articles outlining healthy foods to choose. And when we were at Sam's Club, she asked me what I wanted. I really did sense she wanted me to have something I liked, and actually, I didn't want to disappoint her. Fiber One bars came to mind (even though I have trouble just stopping at one), and we did locate a (big) box of the kind I like. So into the cart went those. At least I'll have something quasi-safe in the kitchen if I start getting cravings.

I do think if I didn't lose all my weight, and I didn't have all my classes outlining healthy foods to select and foods to avoid, and I didn't know about options like having a Fiber One bar for a snack/meal to control calorie intake, I would be darting in and out of the office kitchen all day. So I'm grateful to have this experience and information. Yes, the office has a minefield. But I know where it is -- and that makes all the difference!  

Am I A Failure?

As you know, I stay close to the clinic -- even though I have gained some weight back. I keep attending the free class sessions so I can stay in close touch with program participants and the staff. It motivates them and heck, it motivates me.

Now, it's true that I feel a twinge uncomfortable during these meetings because I could not hold my goal weight and I'm up 15 lbs. I do not want to deter anyone from reaching their goal or give the impression that they are destined for weight gain too. I know how focused I was about hitting goal and holding it forever. And that did not come to pass for me. So there are inevitable feelings of "failure" that I carry with me.

I think that many, many people contend with this sense of being a failure if they gain their weight back after Optifasting. Some of us were on product for a very long period of time and the result was massive physical change, improved health, and dramatically improved self esteem. All positives. There is a great sense of accomplishment and in my case, it was one of the greatest things I have achieved in my life. And of course this feels great.

But -- and this is a big but -- as my weight has crept up, regardless of the valid reasons why, this sense of being a failure has grown. There are times when I am afraid of going to the clinic, and I have talked to folks who felt the same way. For me, I feel like I have let someone down. Millie and Kathy? My frugal husband? Myself? I am fighting a small skirmish here to hold back these failure feelings so they don't keep me away from the clinic. I need to be there, I want to be there.

I know in my heart of hearts if I stop going to the clinic, my weight gain could start really spiraling upward. When I am around my "comrades in arms" and see them working so hard to bring their weight under control, it keeps me focused and committed. Importantly, it reaffirms that I am not alone in all of this. Also, Millie and Kathy provide a wealth of current information that I would not see if I were not there. I'm like a sponge when it comes to this stuff. I can never learn enough about weight management. Yes, the clinic is a resource I must use.

I think it may come down to me biting back these "failure feelings" right now and just keep driving down to the clinic on Wednesday afternoons, attending class, until I feel comfortable and relaxed. There is a Latin phrase, "Repetitio est mater studiorum." Repetition is the mother of learning. Keep going to the classes and seeing my friends. Feel better about myself. Repeat.

If you are gaining your weight back after reaching goal, I strongly encourage you to attend these free sessions if it's an option for you. Let's check those failure feelings at the door. That's what I'm going to try to do. I may find that true freedom and happiness lies within.

  

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

Oh, has this been a wild week. I was wisely counseled not to Optifast again; ignored that advice and started in on a full fast; made it 2 1/2 days then descended into a feeding frenzy; then straightened myself out and I'm back on track with my previous eating routine. I'm tired, I've got this horrible cough, and I just want this rollercoaster to stop.

Time for a deep breath.

Let's take stock of where I am now: 15 lbs. over goal. Engaging in restrictive, same-menu eating for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Easing up at dinnertime, incorporating variety, different menus, but struggling with portion size and eating too quickly. Extreme anxiety with the scale, leading to increase in anxiety medication, which leads to binging and a night-time eating disorder. Yup. That about sums it up.

I am finding it very, very difficult to make any change to this house of cards I am building. Basically folks, I'm frozen in a lot of fear of gaining all the weight back -- and more. This a psychological battle I'm waging right now. I'm going to now begin researching psychological methods to dismantle the fear, and go deeper into this with my talk therapist. It's at this juncture I'll tell you that you need to prepare yourself for the deep psychological changes that occur when you shed a significant amount of weight. In my opinion, this is serious stuff.

I'm also trying to reconcile the great guilt I have for gaining this 15 lbs. back after spending all that money on my program. I've become quite frugal and it pains me to think I may have wasted money. But I can say without a doubt that I am in better physical shape now than I was when I started the program. I just got the results back of a full blood work panel my thyroid doctor ordered and everything is excellent. My cholesterol is down to 190. 190! I know this is from my fiber diet. Physically, I feel great.

No, my battlefield is an emotional one.

Some dismiss emotions, preferring to live in a strictly rational world. I ain't one of those people. I wear everything on my sleeve, I'm probably too open and honest, and I'm deeply compassionate. I was born this way and raised this way. But when you are driven primarily by emotions, you can get into very uncomfortable, painful situations. Like where I am now.

My head is fuzzy today from the cold, so I cannot fully articulate my thoughts right now. But the gist of what I'm thinking is I am not going to run away from my emotions, from this fear of weight gain and guilt about money that I have -- rather I am going to look them in the face and manage them. Heck, dismantle them if I can. Yes, I cannot do this without the assistance of a talk therapist and the support from people who have experience with the Optifast program. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. But that's okay. Helping hands are out there. And I'm grasping them.

I have to go back to work today and I'm not too thrilled about that. But the structure is good for me. Perhaps this holds true for the eating structure I have, even though it is far too restrictive and needs tinkering. It all comes back to patience and time. And playing the hand I've been dealt. I can always just walk away from the card table --but no, today I still want to play. Onward, friends. The game of "Life" continues.

Untangling The Scale Anxiety

Finding freedom

I am very proud of myself. I have gone two days without weighing. This is a huge accomplishment for me, because as you know by now, that damn scale is now one of the biggest triggers for anxiety for me. How long I have wished I could be like others and have no problem with daily weigh-ins; how much I feel like a freak that a number upsets me so much. I have tried and tried to bust through my fears and tension -- trying to be "strong" like "normal" people and just get on the scale every morning. But it just won't work for me. And I'm tired of it all.

What's so interesting is on these days I don't weigh, I really start to feel relaxed and feel better about myself. A number no longer dictates how my day will unfold. I feel peace descend upon me. It's a wonderful feeling. But of course, it is dampened by a nagging fear that my eating will go out the window. That I'll lose "control." I can't trust myself, I reason, because look what happened to me when I wasn't weighing every day: I ballooned up to 239 lbs. And surely, if I don't weigh daily, won't that happen again?

My anxiety tied to the scale is a monster, I have found. Weigh daily, and I get anxious. Don't weigh daily, and I still end up anxious. Take my anti-anxiety medication to combat this, and I end up binging or contending with some other form of disordered eating. Which impacts the scale. It's actually quite a grim picture. And my task here is to try and untangle myself from this tar pit. Oh Lord, give me strength.

My gut is telling me that a scale is not a good thing for me. It was roughly a year ago, December 2012, when I was getting close to goal, that I brought my first scale into the house. I had rushed out and bought it because my in-laws were in town and all these dinners were planned, and I had been full fasting successfully for months, but found myself seriously tested. Begrudgingly, I began to partake in some of these meals because I felt like a freak. And they didn't really understand what Optifasting was all about.

I can see so clearly now that weighing once a week at the clinic -- and seeing my weight go down -- posed no anxiety for me. But once I bought that damn scale and switched to weighing every day, and saw the weight fluctuations glaring up at me, my anxiety shot through the roof. It only got worse during maintenance, when my weight stopped dropping, stabilized, but slowly started increasing. Fast-forward to today where I'm lugging around 15 lbs. of extra weight. It's no wonder I'm a wreck.

So, where do I go from here?

I remember my thyroid doctor told me that when it comes to weight, throw out your scale, buy a belt, and when it gets too tight, go on a diet. I chuckle at that, but perhaps for me this may seriously be a good option. Oh, I'm going to get this 15 lb. regain off. There is no question about that. I invested too much money and time Optifasting to get my 80 lbs. off. But who's to say this cannot be done without the "benefit" of the scale? I'm positive others have done this before. People like me who have such a problem with that dreaded contraption.

You know, it takes a lot of strength to say "no" to something you are obsessed with, but know harms you. I'm going to have to dig deep inside on this one...muster up some true strength and focus. Fortunately I have my husband and family and talk therapist and everyone at the clinic and my Facebook friends. I don't have to do this alone. I want to, I need to be free from the scale. Just as I needed to be at a healthy weight, free from obesity. And I'm going to make it happen. Rest assured.    

I have been free from the scale for two days. I may not make it another day. But this is a start. And I'm happy.

  

An Eye-Opening Discussion

It's not my fault!

Greetings readers. I have had very little sleep again, this time the result of a chest cold that has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I can't stop coughing and my husband had to ask me to leave the bedroom because he couldn't sleep...so here I am again, in the early morning hours, blogging away. This is now two nights in a row that I have had very little sleep, and that's not good for me. So I am taking the day off from work to try and rest.

I had a meeting yesterday with Millie and Kathy at the clinic and it was a very eye-opening discussion. They have reviewed my chart and Millie has done some research and she has ascertained there is a link between my particular anti-anxiety med and binging behavior. You may recall that my anti-anxiety medicine was greatly increased this summer, and lo and behold the strange binging cropped up (I have never done this before), and really letting loose on two dinners out a week. So we can see that yes, I have gained 15 lbs. But folks, it is not my fault. This was inevitable.

Now, at this juncture, in comes the frustration -- heck, the anger -- that I have to take this medication in the first place. Having to swallow pills even though you know they make you gain weight is very, very upsetting -- and those in this situation will know exactly what I mean. I can explore the option of switching to another brand of anti-anxiety medicine and I see my doctor tomorrow and we can discuss it. But now I feel like a guinea pig and that makes me mad.

And then there is this issue of the 15 lb. weight gain, and my very strong desire to get that off and maybe 5-10 lbs. more. Yes, I can continue to follow my fiber-based diet and really target getting my calories down to 1,200/day. This type of diet really works for me, because I am a grazer and I absolutely adore carbs. The fiber diet keeps my stomach fuller, longer, and keeps that grazing at bay. I focus on things like bran, bulgur, legumes, certain vegetables and fruits, Fiber One cereal, etc. I really do like it.

But then there is the lure of Optifast, the removal of food so I can concentrate on other things. And I had very low anxiety until the last two months of my fasting, when my in-laws came to town, it was the Christmas holiday season, and my anxiety was further stoked by transition and the unknowns associated with that looming in the near future. I shudder to think of that time. It was horrible.

So I would say I learned quite a bit yesterday. I was so deeply touched when Kathy told me I was one of few people who have tackled the totality of everything required to lose weight on Optifast and maintain. It was wonderful to hear that, because I have worked so very hard to get at this maintenance from all three areas: calorie control, exercise, and strengthening emotional coping skills. It's been quite a lot of work and I've invested a lot into this physically, emotionally and spiritually. This has been a tough journey.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'll end here. I'm going to tip toe back upstairs and see if I can sleep quietly. I've had some cough drops and some cough suppressant. That should help things. Stay tuned for further developments...the battle continues!

 

A Change Of Course?

A time of reckoning

Well, I've been up and down all night, barely getting any sleep, because I am worried that after the Florida vacation trip, I am 15 lbs. over goal. I do not like this. I am very uncomfortable. And with Christmas and New Year's Day looming in the distance, I just see my weight going up, up, up. I fought so hard to get my 80 lbs. off and reach my 160 lb. goal. I was on product for 9 1/2 months. I won't let this blow up in my face. I just can't let it.

Fortunately, I have a meeting with Millie at the clinic today, so we can discuss strategies. At this juncture, I am really wanting to resume Optifasting again. I got up into my cabinets and I have extra product, my shaker, extracts, and even my Indian spices for the soups. I'm good to go. I can have my weigh-ins and measurements done at the clinic; interact with the other patients; see the staff; and nip this gain right in the bud and bring my weight down.

Actually, you may recall that I have toyed from time to time with the possibility of going another 10 lbs. down from my goal -- to 150 lbs. -- so I have some "wiggle room" when a little weight comes back. I'm giving this option serious thought. Total time to achieve this is most likely 3 months, given my slow loss rate. But I have shown once I commit to something, I throw myself into it. No cheats. No deviations. Following the clinic's instructions to the letter. I can do this.

Most importantly, my heart, my "gut" tells me Optifast is the way to go at this juncture. I'm not comfortable with my body, the way my clothes fit, my strange eating patterns, the random binges, just all these things that evolved when I moved into maintenance. I want a second shot at transition. And on a very good note, Millie is getting closer to the possibility of offering in 2014 a 12-week seminar on fiber diets and maintenance. I love fiber. It helps me maintain. Wouldn't it be great if I could transition off of product into Millie's program? I'd love that!

So my Optifast products are lined up on the counter. And I am going to have a shake this morning. Here we go again. Thank God for my blog!