A Cycle Emerging

Good evening dear readers and my apologies for the absence of posts for the past week. I've been terribly busy getting ready for the California trip (we leave in four days). Things were also very stressful at work, but everything is winding down now so I'm more relaxed on that front. So now a brief "Melissa Maintenance Update"!

Well, my plan to keep away from the scale until my weigh in at the clinic in two days isn't going too well. I hopped on the scale four days ago, after eating pizza, and saw that my weight "rose" about 6 lbs from my "comfort weight range" (155 - 160 lbs.). But no, I did not freak out this time. I am getting wiser. I have learned my body is very sensitive to extra sodium, and this type of "gain" is water retention. By this morning, I was down 3 pounds, and more loss will follow. So in two days (Wednesday) I should be back, more or less, around my morning weigh-in of 159 lbs. last Wednesday.

In a nutshell, my cycle/pattern is pretty much this: Be at comfort weight mid-week; loosen up the reins a little bit and take in more sodium; see an increase in weight; the weight starts coming back down in about 5 days; and to supplement/facilitate this I tighten things back up with a high-fiber/lower sodium diet. Now, for me it is more than just seeing my daily weight number rise and fall through a tracker. I needed to understand how the pattern came to be, why it is the way it is, what dietary steps are needed to keep this cycle I have now intact. To calm down my anxieties, I need this added information, these specifics. Millie has provided all of this, and I'm so grateful. I sleep easier at night.

I was very proud of my ability to go a week without weighing, but this past week I felt I "had" to see. I don't like that, because, as you know, the swings in weight got me very upset in the past. I guess the takeaway is I am optimistic that as these weeks continue on, and now that I am getting closer to mastering my cycle, I will get more comfortable to begin distancing myself again from the scale -- just doing the weekly weigh in at the clinic. I just need to trust myself more. That takes time, particularly when I used to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and just shut out the fact I was obese and unhealthy.

I see positive things for me on the horizon. Heck, positive things have been happening throughout my entire Optifast journey! I'm going to try not to fret too much. Life's too short for that. So with all this said, bring on California. Westward ho!

  

Some Encouraging News!

Wave the "Green Flag"!

As you know, I have stopped weighing daily due to anxiety issues, and today I had planned to go to my clinic for my new strategy of weighing in once a week. I have not been on a scale for almost a week, and I had some trepidation last night, fearing the "number." But I knew I had to go.

I awoke this morning and realized I had a re-scheduled talk therapy appointment during the time I would go to the clinic. This was an important session, as I have not seen my therapist in two weeks and needed to relay information about my anxiety attacks and med adjustments last week. So I was stuck -- do I continue to hold off on weighing until I can get to the clinic next week? Or do I ask my husband to bring our scale out so I could do the weigh in myself? Boldly, I went for the latter option, and stepped on our scale this morning.

And I couldn't believe what it showed.

Dear readers, I am back down to 159 lbs., just two pounds over my "comfort" weight and well within my "green flag" maintenance range. (My "yellow flag" caution weight is 161 lbs. and my "red flag" we-need-to-make-adjustments weight is 164 lbs.) When I last weighed in, I was 165 lbs. (or something to that affect), an emotional wreck, and convinced I would never get back down to the range where I felt comfortable. Imagine my surprise and I'll admit it -- my excitement -- when I saw that I could continue on my maintenance diet faithfully, trust myself and my choices, free myself up from the scale for awhile, and come out ahead of the game.

Now, I did make some adjustments to my diet that I should relay. I eased back onto a fiber-emphasized, lower sodium diet, making sure this time that I spaced my medications 1 1/2 hours before having the fiber. Specifically, I added oat bran to my morning oatmeal, now use a high fiber bread for lunch, and my dinners all incorporate some type of legume. I continue with my Fiber One "concoction" at night, and now toss a little high fiber granola in there. And later in the evening, as a treat, I have a Fiber One bar.

My body loves this diet for maintenance. I'm not saying you should try it, but I'll again refer to "The iDiet" by Dr. Susan Roberts, PhD as the source for my plan. The iDiet is very successful for weight loss, but it also works for maintenance too. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the increase in fiber this week resulted in my weight loss. And it brought some relief emotionally -- an added benefit. I will continue to follow my course and should be in very good shape for my departure to California next week.

I will not, of course, assume that everything is back to "normal" and my weight will no longer swing up to the "red flag" range. Oh no, that would be fooling myself. But today, I'm very, very happy. Today I feel free. And away goes the scale. Good riddance dreaded contraption. See you next week!

On Stress And Overeating

My clinic, Central Ohio Nutrition Center, Inc. (CONCI), is recommending a wonderful book to help us with a big problem many face (myself in particular): “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself without Food” by Susan Albers, Psy.D. The following is on the CONCI website:

Stress and Overeating | Central Ohio Nutrition Center

For some people, stress (either good or bad stress) can contribute to overeating. Continual stress therefore can play havoc with someone trying to lose and maintain a healthy weight. People who are vulnerable to using food to cope with their stress may find a book “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself without Food” by Susan Albers, Psy.D. helpful. Some of the techniques Dr. Albers addresses in her book include mindful meditation techniques, changing your thoughts, and also soothing and pampering yourself in other ways.

Examples Dr. Albers gives in her book of soothing yourself without food are listening to music, starting a craft, window shopping, connecting with friends, movies that can lift your spirits, etc. One idea that she gives in the book is creating a “Comfort Kit.” She suggests creating a comfort kit that one can turn to when immediate help is needed. This kit may contain things other than food that can be of comfort for you as an individual – for example a journal, pleasurable book, bottle of lotion, tea bag, etc. So if emotional eating has been a problem for you, you may pick up a copy of this book and try some to these solutions!

Success: Expecting The Unexpected

As you know, I like to accompany my posts with a picture or two to "illustrate" a point(s) I am making. Some I find on my own, and others I see posted by Facebook friends on my News Feed or on the Optifast Chat Support board. Well, a very dear Optifast friend posted this image the other day and it made me smile broadly. Sometimes a picture just really resonates with how you are feeling at that point in time -- and this one surely does.

When I started my Optifast journey, I can honestly say that I was almost solely focused on getting my weight off. Yes, I wanted to do this for my health and to improve my self esteem. But what I had was tunnel vision -- strict compliance, and watching the clinic scale move down. My pound loss was slow, but the inches came off more quickly. I faithfully attended the class sessions, read up on emotional eating and the things to do to succeed in maintenance. Subsequently, the drawing on the left is what I expected, for the most part, when I reached goal and hit maintenance.

Now, I wasn't fooling myself. I knew maintenance would be hard. But I'm steadfast once I set my mind to something. I had the tools, the drive, and the common sense to put everything into motion. I never stray from my clinic. I know how to cook. I have sworn off of fast food. But if there's one thing I now know about my maintenance journey it's expect the unexpected -- because the best laid plans often go awry.

I've written about my scale obsession, and how that has negatively affected my mood, led to anxiety attacks, and intolerable frustration. There have been the random binges, which usher in shame. And then the guilt when I indulge in something more caloric and fattening. Suddenly I found my "Success Line" is in actuality the one on the right, and I am left to wonder: Can I handle this? Will I make it through this twisty "mess"? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Success, for me right now, is surviving day to day in maintenance. I never forget Millie's words that this is about "imperfect progress." I hold on to that wisdom tightly. For me, the dream of a straight arrow is just that -- a dream. But I'm glad I've woken up. Reality must be faced, no matter how difficult. My eyes are fully open, and I think that's key. My line is a squiggle. That straightens out in the end.

I'm "Back"

The road goes up...and then goes down.

I awoke yesterday morning and instantly realized something was different. I was "back" -- back to thinking clearly, back to an anxiety-free state, back to feeling like myself again. The medicine adjustments and scale removal worked! After a wonderful, vigorous massage, I played tennis with my husband, and we later went to a movie and out to a healthy dinner. I enjoyed myself, was happy, felt good about myself. As the holiday weekend winds down, I can look back and say I made it through the toughest period I have had since I entered maintenance. I don't know what I weigh right now, but my clothes fit and I'm happy. And that's enough for me today.

I have decided I will continue with my weigh-ins at the clinic on Wednesdays. I was hesitant, scared to keep doing so, but I've got to have some idea of where I stand. Last time I checked on my scale at home, I was up to 165 lbs. -- a 5-7 lb. gain due to a number of factors (increase in meds, exercise, it's summer and I gain, etc.). I've kept to my normal eating schedule so wherever the chips fall, I'm going to be comfortable with it. I'm doing the best I can, implementing what I was taught, and the scale is going to show what it shows. So be it. Right now, I'm at peace. And that's what I wanted all along.

You know, when I first started maintenance, I was visualizing a flat road, with some potholes, yes, and maybe a few forks. I never thought it could have some inclines and declines. This was unexpected. There was the thrill of getting down to 155 lbs. (albeit briefly) and then holding mostly dead even at 157 lbs. for weeks. But then the wild increase in weight -- and then down again, and suddenly there I am, lying on the side of the road, wondering what in the heck just happened. But I've stood up. Brushed myself off. I'm getting my bearings. And forward I now go.

I am thinking this morning about the people who gain their weight back after reaching goal. And how vague the reasons for the gains can sometimes be. Of course most probably assume they just started eating poorly again, and stopped exercising. But oh no, there are different reasons behind those gains. Medical and emotional issues being biggies. Sometimes, things cannot be controlled, no matter how hard we may try. Sometimes we hit a stretch of "rollercoaster road" and it gets overwhelming. This is what I have learned. I hope and pray my gain is capped in the mid-160s lbs., but for all I know I'm still on my way up. But I'm still going to fight to keep things in line. I don't have the daily weigh-in any more, but I know how to eat and exercise. This is going to have to be enough, and where my weight ultimately settles is where I belong.

I am so much better today and it feels wonderful. It's early, so I am going to go back to bed and slumber a little bit more. Just wanted to let you all know I'm on the mend and moving forward. As always, One Day At A Time.

 

Stepping Forward Without The Scale

"I know that I don't know."

A few days ago, my anxiety reached an intolerable level and my husband removed the scale. Things had gotten so bad that I had to miss my clinic appointment, and I spent most of the day and night in bed. I've been moving slowly ever since, sleeping quite a bit because my medication had to be adjusted. My normal "creativity" is not as strong as it usually is, and it's hard to write, but I wanted to give an update on my situation.

Not weighing in religiously twice a day is a very foreign thing -- particularly when you have been doing it for over six months. I feel a little "adrift" and it's unpleasant, but not as angst-ridden as the daily weigh ins were. So I don't regret my decision to not do it. Removing the scale had to be done. Now, there is a small urge to start eating whatever I want, but I've got that in check for now. Blessedly, the urge to binge has eased way off. And I'm thrilled about that, because it scared me and made me feel rotten about myself.

It is strange not knowing exactly what I weigh right now. Not knowing if I've had too much salt, and the affect that has. Not knowing if I've gained 5 lbs. or lost 2 lbs. But this brings some freedom, and yes, some relief. I was so upset, as you know, by the uncertainty of my weight, caused by those wild swings in my weigh ins. For those of us with anxiety/panic/stress disorders, uncertainty is an enemy. It makes an unpleasant situation much, much worse. So I am addressing the problem as best I can, and bringing "certainty" back into the equation, i.e. in the words of Socrates: "I know that I don't know."

Exercise is great for cutting through anxiety. Unfortunately, I've been so groggy that I haven't been able to exercise, but I should be back up on my feet in a few days. My goal is to do some walking with my husband -- nothing too strenuous, I just want to get out of the house and get a little movement going. I'm a little frustrated because my exercise routine had really picked up and now I've been knocked back down. But I won't let this get the best of me.

So that's my update for now. Just keeping quiet throughout the Fourth of July holiday weekend. I'm fortunate to have these days off to rest and recuperate. I'm on the mend and getting stronger every day.

A Serious Note

It has always been my preference to be positive on this blog -- to relay uplifting encouragement to those on their Optifasting journeys. But tonight, I must take a more serious tone, as I have been very, very upset today and need to write about it. My apologies for this sudden detour, but if I don't get out my thoughts I think I'm going to get into trouble.

I got home from work today, sat down, and started wondering if I have been happy -- really, truly happy -- since I lost all my weight. Constantly worrying, panicking about gaining the weight back; restricting my food beyond belief and then having random binges (which I never had before); anxiety attacks have occurred; the scale has taken on incredible proportions in my life.

I decided ultimately that something has to give. That I just cannot keep living this way anymore. So most importantly, my husband is removing the scale this evening. I'm frightened about that, but it must be done. It is triggering intense anxiety and I have to watch that or I will get sick. Second, I am going to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the "exemplary" CONCI Optifast patient; the "star"; the one who is successfully maintaining and cheering everyone on all the way. Truth of the matter is I've struggled mightily, made mistakes, had horrible days, contend with obsessions, just a whole host of foibles that may make me human, but sure rock my self-esteem. Right now I'm very distraught, and if it weren't for my Optifast Facebook friends, I'd be a real mess.

Clearly, I have to find some "middle road" -- somewhere in the gray -- where I can enjoy my food, trust in myself to make wise choices and control my portions, and just live life. I know it's there, but folks, I can't seem to find it yet. I'm unhappy, and I know this is not how I should be feeling. Sure, I'm a tough cookie and I know I'll get through this. It's just I want serenity back in my life. It's been such a long time since I've had it.

As I said to an Optifast friend, always remember this is MY experience, and I would never say this is going to happen to you. Believe me, I feel like an "oddball" a lot of the time. But I have to be honest -- you should expect nothing less from me. My maintenance journey is complicated, sometimes painful, and even sometimes unbearable. That's just the deck of cards I was dealt. No, I'm not throwing in the towel. But I have not felt this low before.

Yet I was also thinking this afternoon about something quasi-positive. If I am at a "rock bottom" in my maintenance journey, there is nowhere to go but up. Just like when I hit my rock bottom with my obesity, I can reach inside and find the strength to do something about this, no matter how hard it is and how long it takes. This is no endgame. Things are very, very rough now. But tomorrow is a new day. I'll keep trudging forward. For as Winston Churchill said: "Never give up! Never give up! Never give up!"