Thanksgiving: Learning To Trust Myself

Happy Thanksgiving from Florida!

Greetings all from Florida! Hubby and I winged our way down here two days ago and I'm enjoying this weather in the 70s (versus the 20 degree weather in Ohio!). Read over my last post and I must say I was very, very disgruntled and that has passed. I go through those moments when I get frustrated with my "slight" weight gain, and I guess there's a bigger, more general frustration with my repetitive eating routine -- which I feel I should continue if I want to keep my 10-12 lb. gain capped. Folks, this whole maintenance thing is just so hard for me sometimes. And every so often, it's time for a good vent.

So...on to today.

I awoke early this morning, Thanksgiving, and watched the sun rise over the palm trees. It was beautiful, and I started contemplating how the day would proceed for me. I had planned a day of very strict eating, followed by an extremely lean Thanksgiving dinner consisting of fish and vegetables -- no carbs and no desserts. And as I was sitting there in the early morning hour, I thought to myself, "This is nuts! You need to enjoy yourself, just in a controlled way." I remembered too, that one year ago I was here, Optifasting, and I had the fish and vegetable dinner. Must I really repeat that -- is that all I'm limited to? No, I think we can evolve from this just a bit.

Now, some might think there is a danger in "loosening the reins." And I think there's validity to that in some cases. But perhaps in my case some easing up today might not be a bad thing? Perhaps having a day of freedom  from my repetitive eating schedule is allowed -- and maybe deserved? Sure, I'm scared and nervous and worried about the scale. You know I'm always worried about the scale. Of course I know that most pack on about 10 lbs. from the period between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. But I have decided I'm going to try something new: trusting myself.

What's absolutely fascinating to me is since I arrived here, a desire to mindlessly graze has been escalating to an almost painful point. But once I made my decision this morning to give myself some leeway on my eating today, the thoughts of grazing evaporated! Gone. I had my oatmeal early, then a brunch around 11:00 a.m. and dinner is at 6:30 p.m. I'm not hungry at all this afternoon -- quite content to watch football and go to Facebook and perhaps walk with my husband  (we had planned a beach walk but we've been lounging around and haven't gone yet). I'm relaxed. And quite happy about that.

It appears that as I enter this year's holiday season, I'm going to need to strive for some sort of "balance" in my eating. Some controlled menus (I use the words "controlled" or "restrictive" for lack of better words -- working on finding some more positive term!) offset by some leeway on things where I trust myself to eat more caloric things wisely. Using avoidance strategies with treats i.e. "I can't eat this" or "I won't eat that" doesn't really work for me. I just end up in an out-of-control feeding frenzy. I can make good decisions. I've completed 9 months of maintenance and I'm doing okay.

Again, it's baby steps with all of this. We'll see how tonight goes. I've seen the menu and I think I'm going to have pumpkin soup, a salad and lamb. And dessert? Who knows. I know I'll make the right choice. I feel good. Empowered. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!

Inevitable Weight Gain? Diffusing Some Anger

Yesterday was interesting. Importantly, the temperature dropped into the 30s, and just like clockwork every year, my appetite went out the window. Just as I had expected, I ate a little less of my meals. I just wasn't hungry and felt satisfied with less. This is how the winter weight loss starts. And obviously, in a semi-twisted way, I'm thrilled about it. I would love getting into the mid-160s again, having hung out, on average, at 171 lbs. for months. The clothes will fit more loosely. My mood improves when that dreaded scale contraption shows a number I like. My legs cross even better. But...what (emotional) price did I pay to get to this point?

So as I was sitting in front of a roaring fire last night, I started to simmer a bit. Then it grew to frustration. And ultimately into anger. At this point, I am absolutely convinced that weight gain is inevitable when you conclude the Optifast program. I'm not talking about the 3-5 lbs. that automatically come back when you cease the products. I'm talking about the 10, 20, 30 lbs. that come back. Now yes, of course, sometimes this is a direct result from inattention to emotional eating behaviors. Using food to comfort is an extremely hard habit to break, just like smoking or giving up alcohol. But some physical things are going on too. I don't have the proper scientific background to nail this all down, but something is up. And there's something I want to know.

Why didn't my clinic prepare me for this inevitability?

I paid a very significant amount of money to lose my 80 lbs. And I went on to pay more money for counseling sessions. I exercise as best I can every day. I take in, for the most part, 1,400 calories a day. Any less than that and I feel physically sick and start binging. I do therapy once a week. I have read countless books on addressing emotional eating and have made behavioral changes. I journal (i.e. blog) regularly. I interact with my Facebook Optifast friends every single day.

And guess what folks. I gained weight. Despite all of this. Yes, I've got it capped at 10-15 lbs. And yes, with the seasonal change, I will lose some of this. But I have been through sheer hell to maintain this "status quo." Now, perhaps there are some people out there that are breezing through maintenance. Hats off to them. I, however, am not one of them. I also contend with the knowledge that I saw with my own eyes my scale register 155 lbs. one morning -- and today it reads 172 lbs. This is not something where I just say, "Oh well! What will be will be!" Oh no, this is when the negative self-talk starts. This is when I try on those few clothes I bought at my lowest weight and find they don't fit properly. And I only bought them a year ago. Into a storage bin they go. Wasted money. Nothing gets me angrier.

But I know I cannot stay angry forever. That needs to be let go. I do not regret enrolling in the Optifast program. I think if you are obese -- not overweight, but obese -- it is a good way to go. But there needs to be hardcore psychological counseling included in your program (I have repeatedly suggested to my clinic that they bring a psychologist on staff) and more scientific explanation about what really happens to your body when you stop the products. Candid dialogue about the weight gain odds. I think we are up against some scientific factors we cannot overcome, no matter what we do, short of starving ourselves. And I want it explained that yes, you should expect an x gain. This open dialogue would have saved me a heck of a lot of grief.

No, I'm not giving up my fight to stay as close to goal as I can and still feel content and happy. But as for seeing 155 lbs. again, you can forget it. Life's too short, I have to have some pleasure in life. And with that, I'm off to buy some more firewood. Don't want the fire to go out...yet. Have a great day all.


    

Staying In Control Over The Weekend

The following is from The Beck Diet Solution website:

"This week I had a session with my client, Rachel.  Historically, Rachel was a dieter who was able to eat healthfully during the week but would tend to “lose it” during the weekends.  Over the last few weeks, Rachel and I have been working hard to come up with strategies, techniques, and responses to her weekend sabotaging thoughts so that she would be able to maintain her control throughout the weekend.  When Rachel came to see me this week, she told me that things have finally turned around for her and that she’s noticed a significant change in her ability to stay on track during the weekend. How did Rachel do this?

Rachel ate the same way she did during week days.  Rachel says one of the most important shifts she has made is finally accepting that, if she wants to lose weight and keep it off, her weekend eating just can’t be all that different from her weekday eating. Rachel started reminding herself that her body doesn’t know or care that it’s the weekend and that it will process all calories the same no matter what day of the week it is.

Rachel stuck to a weekend eating schedule. One strategy that really helped Rachel gain control over her eating during the week was following a set schedule of eating. This enabled her to cut out the all-day grazing she used to do because she had defined times for when she would eat and when she wouldn’t. Initially, Rachel resisted following this schedule during the weekend, saying that she wanted her weekends to have more spontaneity.  Rachel found, however, that not having an eating schedule on the weekend led her back to constantly grazing in the kitchen and continually asking herself, “Should I have eat now?” This meant that she struggled with whether or not to eat so much more often than she did during the week – and it also meant that she took in many more calories.  Rachel realized that it was worth giving up her eating spontaneity (but not necessarily her activity spontaneity) if it meant she regained her sense of peace!

Rachel began exercising at least once during the weekend. Rachel was always good at getting herself to exercise during the week, but she used to think that weekends were an excuse to not move a muscle. Rachel knew that, on the days she exercised during the week, it made her feel better, more energized, and more easily able to stick to healthy eating.  Rachel realized that not exercising on the weekend played into her “unhealthy weekend” mindset, and that getting herself to do at least 30 minutes of walking outside, either Saturday or Sunday, made her feel just as good as it did during the week.  Rachel changed her thought from, “Exercising on the weekend will make my weekend worse,” to, “Exercising on the weekend will make me feel great, just as it does during the week. It makes my weekend better, not worse.”

Rachel got out of the kitchen when it wasn’t a time to eat.  During the week, Rachel works in an office and can’t spend the whole day hanging out in her work kitchen.  During the weekend, however, Rachel was in the habit of spending a lot of time in her kitchen because it’s one of her favorite rooms in her house. Rachel realized that this was really working against her because the more time she spent in her kitchen, the harder it was for her not to think about food and eating.  Rachel instead set up a nice area for herself in her living room, with a new chair she really liked, and decided that, at least for the time being, the kitchen would only be for eating, not for hanging out. This made a huge difference for Rachel because once she wasn’t constantly looking at food, it made it easier to focus on other things."

Vacation Preparation

Well I'm leavin'...on an airplane!

Thanksgiving 2013 is approaching, and that means my husband and I are gearing up for our annual trip to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. I'm very excited, but also a little cautious, because I know vacations for me inevitably signal some weight gain -- despite my best intentions! But I'm taking steps to try and keep things under control, and I've learned from vacations this summer that I need some structure to be successful in maintaining my weight.

Here are some things I am doing/plan to do:

1. I am tightening up my eating right now. And by that I mean I'm really watching my calories and portion size. I'm also measuring things again, as the "eyeballing" technique can sometimes get a little less accurate as time goes onward. Importantly, I'm not skipping meals or snacks -- thinking if I starve myself I'll lose weight. That doesn't work for me, as my body just stores everything I would eat as fat, in anticipation of the restricted eating. Subsequently, I'm staying on my normal eating routine.

2. I have made a grocery list for my Mom. I sent an email to my Mom outlining in detail what items I need her to purchase for my breakfasts, lunches and snacks. In the past, she would just stock the fridge with what she thought I would like -- and that included decadent chicken salad and eggs and sausage and pre-made sandwiches from the gourmet market. I don't eat this way anymore. Having my familiar foods ready for me when I get there keeps my structure in place.

3. We have all the dinners planned out in advance. In the past, pre-Optifast, we would go out every night of the vacation, and I would order anything I wanted on the menu. Now, I love restaurants, and to deny myself any meal out is just not something that's going to happen. So we have decided on three nights out (one night is Thanksgiving), three nights eating in, and I know the menus of the places where we are going to eat. I'll be having seafood at all three, and ordering it baked or grilled, lightly sauced, skip the carbs, and have a vegetable. Mom and I are going to share a dessert. So I'll get a few bites, which is all I need.

4. I am taking specific food items on the plane. This always includes 100-calorie almond packs, part-skim string cheese, and an apple. I buy a large iced coffee in the terminal and bring that on the plane with me.  When the drink cart goes by, I will ask for water. This way I'm covered when I inevitably get bored and start wanting to eat.

5. I'll exercise when I'm down there. This includes long walks on the beach and swimming, two of my most favorite activities. I plan to walk every day.

***

So this is where I am right now. I weighed in this morning at 171 lbs. and I would like to get down a pound or two before I leave. I am upping my fiber, as that really helps me shed a few pounds. I feel very positive about my maintenance ability because I've got some good vacation experience under my belt. All in all, I'm excited. Leavin' on a jet plane...I can't wait!

For The Couch Potatoes

You are probably aware of this simple truth: When it comes to weight management, the more you exercise, the more calories you can consume. Simply put: Work out more, get to eat more. Those in my boat who can't (or more honestly won't) exercise, and want to keep their weight off, are going to have to watch everything they eat like a hawk and keep calories consumed at a very low level. Sedentary behavior also flies in the face of the three-legged chair requirement for holding a healthy weight. Leg One: Calorie counting. Leg Two: Addressing emotional coping skills. Leg Three: Exercise (or "physical activity" if that sounds better to you).

I've not read one success story to date of someone who is keeping their weight off after Optifast without exercising regularly. In my case, I do manage to walk up to 2 miles a day. And yes, that is exercise. But I'm not out running, or working out at the gym, and I'll be honest folks, I'm pretty darn nervous about this. I am, however, absolutely convinced that the vast majority of people who have Optifasted and reached goal are struggling to exercise regularly. Heck, the majority of Americans don't get enough daily activity. But does this mean we just throw in the towel and suffer through an extremely restricted diet to maintain? Heck no.

The one thing I really have going for me is a husband going through a mid-life crisis who has jumped on board with me and eating the healthy, high-fiber/protein dinners. And he has also jacked up his physical exercise -- and not-so-subtly encourages me to join him. He brings up the importance of exercise to me every single day. Now, sometimes this really, really bothers me and I feel guilty. But other times, like last weekend, I pulled myself out of my chair, got my running/walking shoes on and went on a long walk with him. His "pestering with love" does pay off sometimes.

I also have Kathy, our clinic Director, who is an incredible motivator when it comes to exercising. Every time I see her at my weekly weigh-ins, I am reminded to exercise. We've had many, many private discussions and class discussions about this topic. So my weekly clinic visits are of course crucial to keeping me at least focused on the importance of exercise for weight management, and how to get motivated to do so.

Folks, the exercise leg on my stool has always been the weakest leg. The other two legs are firmly attached -- with nails and Super Glue. I go in stops and starts. One day I'm hell bent on exercising, the next day I just want to go to work, come home and cook, and relax with my laptop in the evening. This is tough. But you know me. I'm not giving up.

I want all those who really shun physical activity to know I'm right in that camp with you. But -- there is just no denying the fact that if we really want to be healthy, happy and free, we've just got to get off out butts and get moving. Period. I'm a "restrictive eater" as you know, and more times than not, I'm not too happy with this. And I want to dissuade you from going down my path.

There's about an inch of snow on the ground today, but my co-worker and I are going to strap our boots on and head out for our morning walk. The sun is out, and actually, I'm looking forward to walking today. Now as for tomorrow...who knows. But living by my credo, "Stay in the Precious Present," I'm not going to worry about what tomorrow is going to bring. Let's get moving. Have a great day all!

And Then The Light Bulb Went On!

Well good morning all! The Bassets got me up early AGAIN and I can't get back to sleep, so of course to my blog I go. The coffee is brewing and the gum chewing has begun (yes, I still chew the sugarless gum that got me through the long stretch of Optifasting). I realize I haven't posted in awhile and that's due to a very hectic work period right now. Things don't ease up until Thanksgiving, when hubby and I wing our way down to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. Obviously, I can't wait!

A very, very dear Facebook friend sent me this picture earlier this week. I just smiled so broadly when I saw it, and at the same time felt tears in my eyes. How many days, how many years have I wasted raking myself over the coals for not being perfect? Not doing the "right thing" or being the "good girl" or never making mistakes? I'll just say that a damn good amount of time has been lost to worry and anxiety that I don't measure up to someone else's standards. And guess what? Today I'm pretty darn mad about this! (wink, wink)

I want to state for the record today that Melissa has done one hell of a good job maintaining the weight lost through the Optifast program. I've worked extremely hard to master, as best I can at this juncture, all the things that are required for a complete lifestyle overhaul. What I am doing is not easy. It's extremely difficult, actually. And I'm coming at this from every angle, to the best of my ability, and that's something to commend and celebrate.

In my case, it was just impossible to hold right at my goal weight of 160 lbs. Despite everything I was doing, all the restrictions in place, exercising as best I could in the face of great resentment, I could not hold goal weight. What I can hold, with a current regime that I am happy and content with, is a weight range of 168 - 172 lbs. And some days, particularly early in the week, I go up a little from that, but it inevitably comes back down. And all of this is AOK. This is my body saying, "Hey Melissa -- I'm happy here."

Now of course, in the back of my mind is the wonderful memory of hitting my 160 lb. goal  -- and actually, that one morning I got on my scale and it registered 155 lbs. That was a high like no other. But I'm not there now, and I'm not going back there, and frankly, today, that's fine by me. I'm 47 years old, 5' 6, curvy and wearing a clothing size that is the average for American women: 12-14. I was starting to creep into size 26 before the Optifast program. Yes, I've come a long way baby.

I am sitting here right now actually getting quite angry at those purported "medical experts" debunking liquid diets, citing all the failure statistics, implying if you're not in that 2-5% who keeps everything off, well that just proves their case. Well, Mr. Expert, some of us packed a little extra back on but we're doing pretty damn well. Healthy as a horse. According to you, we're with the 98% who failed. And I'm no failure. I'm a success story. Folks, remember this advice: Figures lie. And liars figure.

The sun is coming up and it looks to be a beautiful, chilly day in Columbus. I'm going to have my oatmeal, then slip back into bed for a little snoozing. I've spent this morning "approving of myself." And what do you know. I feel great!

Reality Check

When I was Optifasting -- and in the initial months of maintenance -- it was very, very important to me that I be in the "elite" 2-5% who keep all their weight off after losing it with a primarily liquid diet. In many ways, I was obsessed, because I believed anything less would translate into me being a failure and meant that I would gain all my weight back. I viewed myself as either Melissa at 160 lbs. or Melissa at 239 lbs.

This automatically set me up to define everything about myself in number terms. I fell right into that trap I had identified early on in my Optifasting and swore I would avoid. Was it inevitable? Well, I'm not so sure. When you get weighed in at a clinic week after week, watching your weight go down and your clothes start to fall off from two, three, four drops in clothing size, it's an incredible, alluring "high." No doubt about that. And all of these numbers are charted, for you to clearly see.

For me, there was no disputing this fact: The lower the numbers started to go, the better I felt -- physically and emotionally.

But for me, I started to lose touch with the fact that I am so much more than my weight and measurement statistics. I have many, many other wonderful things that make up "me." I'm compassionate. A loving wife. A great cook. Inquisitive. I'm hard working. Funny. Very caring and sympathetic. Like all of us, I am many good things. In short, I am amazing.

Unfortunately for me, this is something I don't (or won't) believe all the time -- it's not second-nature for me to embrace this reality. Label it low self-esteem I guess. Today, however, I am going to change that. Today I am going to give myself a big pat on the back and raise a glass (of mineral water) to myself and all the wonderful qualities I possess. No, it's not a time for a huge slice of cake (wink, wink) but it is a time for a long walk with my Bassets with a big smile on my face.

I am amazing. I must remember that!

Eight Months Of Maintenance: Reflections

Onward Little Warrior!

Okay, I may be getting the hang of this. I say this cautiously, but I am feeling optimistic this morning. I've completed the first eight months of my Optifast maintenance journey, and much has been learned -- good and bad -- and I'm still hanging in there. I wanted to share with you a "summary" of what I am doing, what is working for me. This routine is certainly not for everyone, but if I follow it, I hold on average about 10-12 lbs. over goal:

1. Eat similar things every day (dinner excluded -- change that up). Schedule is breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.

Breakfast: 1/2 c. quick-cook oatmeal prepared with 1/2 c. skim milk and 1/2 c. water. One tbsp. pure Vermont maple syrup and 1 tbsp. almond slices mixed in.

Lunch: 2 oz. lean turkey deli meat, 1/2 slice cheese, mustard on Brownberry Sandwich Thin; 1/2 c. low fat cottage cheese; 6-8 oz. low sodium V-8 vegetable juice.

Afternoon snack: small apple and part-skim mozzarella cheese stick

Dinner: varies -- 300-400 calories 5 days a week; 400-600 calories 2 days a week

Evening snack: 1 c. Fiber One cereal mixed with 1/2 c. no-fat yogurt, almonds, berries or peaches and Splenda.

2. Walk 1-2 miles a day.

3. Fiber-based diet. The dinners I cook emphasize high fiber/high protein; low sodium and low calories. I notice if I don't have my Fiber One cereal at night my weight will go up and it opens the door to night grazing and waking up in the middle of the night and eating.

4. In depth reading/study of emotional eating behavior and how to correct it. This has been on-going ever since I started Optifasting. I know I overeat for emotional reasons -- bored, angry, stressed, anxious, celebrating, depressed, etc. etc. -- and I am getting the tools to process my feelings in ways that do not involve food.

5. Weigh in/attend class at clinic once a week. This is critical for me. My weight is recorded in my official file. I also get the chance to see my friends there and have sessions with the staff.

6. Visit and post in the Facebook Optifast groups every day. I am guaranteed support 24/7.

7. I can now "eyeball" my portions, but every few days I measure my servings. This was a suggestion from Millie, my nutritionist. I need to be careful my portion sizes don't grow. That can happen very, very easily.

8. Follow the "80/20" rule -- ease up on two dinners a week. I take in more calories, and I need to watch my portion size, but honestly these dinners keep me sane. I love them, I need them.

Following all these steps, I have held on average around 10-12 lbs. (on my scale) over goal for 3 months. The first 5 months of maintenance I held on average right at goal, but then my weight started creeping up. I had medicine increased but I am also convinced this inevitably happens, as your stomach expands post-product and you take in more food to fill it.

I also know now that I am very salt-sensitive: If I have salty foods, the next day my weight will swing up and it takes about 5 days to bring it back down. I'm getting much better at not panicking when this happens. It's taken some time, but I'm getting there.

By far, my greatest struggle, my greatest source of anxiety and frustration is the scale. You know this already. I am trying to build a more "healthy relationship" with it. Like other things, this will take time and the clinic is helping. I now stand with my back to the scale at my official weigh-ins, and I made it through two days this week with no weighing. This is a major accomplishment for me. I will keep working in this area -- we all have crosses to bear and this is mine.

So this is where things stand right now. I feel pretty darn good about it. This "Little Warrior" is fighting the good fight. Onward we march!