Seriously Speaking, Part III

Saw my therapist today and cried a river a tears. Cried over the insanity that someone as intelligent and gifted as myself has such a low self esteem that I need to be pried off the pavement; cried over the day 12 years ago when anxiety and stress finally debilitated me, and launched me into a world of medication; cried over my obsessiveness with food and that damned scale; just cried over everything. And guess what. When all the crying was done and the tissues were thrown out, I felt such an incredible sense of relief.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to seek out a good psychologist if you have -- or think you are beginning to have -- disordered eating. I see my therapist once a week and have had a few times when I was feeling so shaky I saw him twice a week. Therapy is critical for the recovery and healing process -- and not just for food issues but a whole host of other things as well. I did not enter therapy for disordered eating. I was in therapy before I enrolled in the Optifast program. This turned out to be a very good thing, because I had this critical support in place when the disordered eating pattern started up.

A therapist's office is a "safe place" to share your feelings with someone who will not judge you, not hurt you, who isn't biased (say, like a family member), who just wants to listen and help you get better. I have never left my therapist's office not feeling better, more centered, more hopeful that I can master everything that plagues me. Life can be very difficult and overwhelming for some of us. Talk therapy helps us sort through and overcome our obstacles to happiness.

At my clinic, they hand out a list of good psychologists in our area that specialize in disordered eating. I was thrilled to see that done. I've been in and out of therapy since my mid-20s, and know all the wonderful benefits of it, but many people have not -- and might not realize how helpful it is. I don't know how many people in my clinic actually take that next step to set up an appointment, but I so hope many do.

I feel a little emotionally spent right now, but in a good way. I plan on going to bed early, after a long bath. My weight is holding steady in that 8-10 lb. over goal range, and tonight I'm at peace with that. My eating wasn't so great today -- I had no breakfast, had lunch, no snack, then pizza (I ate three pieces very, very quickly). I was ravenous at dinner because I did not eat properly throughout the day. I've been taught to do otherwise, so tomorrow I will get things back in line. This is the first time I have eaten like this, so there's not a pattern yet. No need to go down that path!

As I wrap up this series of posts where I have acknowledged my disordered eating, I hope that I have helped someone who is going through this kind of struggle too, and perhaps helped others who don't struggle to understand a little bit better what disordered eating is all about. Much of it is psychological -- and that's why a therapist is so important. I am sending a big "electronic hug" and much love to those wounded warriors like me. We'll heal. In time.