Finding A "New Normal"

As I've mentioned before, I've pretty much got all areas of my life -- work, marriage, family -- under control. The one exception is my weight, well, more specifically, my anxiety about my weight. You know this has plagued me all throughout my maintenance journey, and I've been trying to combat it with medication, exercise, talk therapy, support from Facebook friends -- I'm pretty much pursuing all avenues available to me to get this anxiety stabilized.

If I break this down, I am anxious because my weight now "swings" between 167 lbs. to 172 lbs. This is roughly 10 lbs. over the range I held for the first five months of maintenance. So in essence, 10 stupid pounds is absolutely wrecking my serenity. I restrict what I eat, for the most part, and it doesn't come off. I walk every day, and it doesn't come off. I hydrate every day and it doesn't come off. And I get upset every morning when I get on the scale and it hasn't come off.

Now, I can keep living with this anxiety, keep trying to "medicate" it away, or I can honestly take stock of my situation and say, "Melissa, the buck stops here. Your "new normal" is 167 - 172 lbs. This is where your body wants to be and that is AOK!" I need to not only say this, but believe it, accept it, and find comfort in it.

I do have one Facebook friend who reached goal, put 10 lbs. back on, but successfully maintained that for years. She told me she actually looked better with the extra weight. That gives me a lot of hope, knowing there is someone who put some pounds back on but still successfully maintained. Of course it's in the forefront of my mind -- and most likely your mind too -- that any quasi-significant gain (10+ lbs.) spells disaster. Reaching your goal weight feels so great, is so great, and in my case the desire to stay there is so, so strong. But it could just very well be that my body just doesn't want to be there.

Do I look good? I guess I'd say yes. Do my clothes fit? Yes. Do I feel good, physically? Yes. Are my vitals good? Excellent. Emotionally, I need a lot of work. But am I doing something about it? Yes. What then, is the real problem here? I guess if I analyze it, break it down, it's my perfectionism, vestiges of obsessiveness, fear, "black and white thinking," just a host of things that partially make up who I am. Perhaps some can really relate to this; others not so much. But this is me. The hand I was dealt.

I am going to see if my anxiety lessens this week as I move to embrace my "new normal." I have an inkling it will. This is going to take some time to get comfortable with it, but I've got that. So I guess I'm now on a "journey within a journey." Not something I expected, but I've had my share of maintenance curveballs, so I'm getting much better at reading the pitcher's throw. I'm getting very familiar with the "swing" of things.

As always, onward I go, baby steps all the way. It's the only way to do it!
 

My New Mantra

You know, I really do like Facebook. I was slow to join, but after much prodding and repeated invitations from a college friend living in Boston, I signed myself up -- and I've been pleased ever since. On my "News Feed" I see lots of witty sayings that make me smile. This one about worrying of course hit home. Color me a Worry Wart. Been like this for a long time!

My maintenance journey, as you know, has been fraught with worry, as I put a lot of pressure on myself to "beat the odds" and keep my weight off. That's a pretty big burden to be lugging around, but I'm taking my slow steps -- like expanding my menus -- to ease up on things. I am thrilled to report my weigh-in today was 167 lbs. Sure, it may not hold, but I have not been down to this weight in months. Just 7 pounds away from my old goal now.

I think about all the worry I have gone through to get to this point and it saddens, no, it frustrates me. It's sort of a "knee jerk" reaction I have that kicks in whenever I am having troubles with a challenge or facing unpredictable situations. Sure, I might try to strive for a "worry-free" life, but it appears I'm just "hot wired" for it. It's just a part of me.

Now, the more I feel comfortable about a situation, the more things are certain, the worry diminishes. I'm sure that goes for most worry warts. Big changes give me lots of trouble, and this explains why my maintenance path has been very bumpy. Overhauling my eating, including what I eat and when I eat; incorporating exercise when previously I lived an almost entirely sedentary lifestyle; delving into why I overeat and eat so quickly. This is a lot to do and process. But I'm putting in the time and effort, and I think that's why I've been able to cap my regain at a point where I can rely on dieting to bring it back down. So I'm grateful for that.

No, my worrying won't go completely away. But it is indeed true. It doesn't get you anywhere!

   

Expanding My "Menu"

I've been so, so tired lately, struggling with a cold, but I've been quite the trooper. I've been working all week preparing for an event we have on Monday, then it's home for the domestic tasks. I don't use the word "chores" because one task is cooking dinner and I do so delight in that. And I had a big victory last night in my new plan of expanding my own very simplistic eating pattern. I'd like to share it with you.

I thought I'd cook some French food for my husband. I decided on a potato, swiss and ham gratin, which is made with eggs and cream and a heck of a lot of butter. He loves French food so I set about preparing the dish. I knew I wouldn't have any, but that didn't take away from the pleasure I got from making it.

I always make a vegetable -- preferably something green -- to go alongside a dish. I rummaged through the fridge and found a big bunch of asparagus. Aha! I thought. What a perfect compliment to the gratin. I decided to break the ends off the stalks and cut them into 2-inch pieces. I then heated up a skillet and put in some peanut oil in and sauteed the asparagus with chopped scallions (be sure to chop the whole scallion, including the green part) and minced garlic. The wonderful aroma filled the kitchen. And it was then I decided, "I'm going to eat some of this asparagus too!"

I made my simple chicken patty but alongside it I had a serving of that wonderful asparagus. It may sound like no big deal, but to me it most certainly was. Normally, I would target peanut oil as a big, big no-no, telling myself I could only eat sauteed things prepared with olive oil cooking spray. But I let that rigid restriction go, and I enjoyed my wonderful asparagus. Of course, hubby did too!

It goes without saying that this morning I asked myself, "Are you going to be heading down that slippery slope of starting with the asparagus, only to fall right back into eating your gourmet food and gaining all your weight back?" But then I tried to put things into perspective, and realize that I have months and months of counseling with Millie and all the valuable information from the clinic. I have my weekly weigh-ins, which keep me accountable. And deep, deep inside of me is the commitment to stay healthy, to protect my body, to be happy.

So I am boldly, yet slowly, moving forward with my new goal of easing up a little bit on those tight, tight reins. Yes, I'm very proud of myself today. It may be cloudy outside, but I'm beaming!  

Seriously Speaking, Part III

Saw my therapist today and cried a river a tears. Cried over the insanity that someone as intelligent and gifted as myself has such a low self esteem that I need to be pried off the pavement; cried over the day 12 years ago when anxiety and stress finally debilitated me, and launched me into a world of medication; cried over my obsessiveness with food and that damned scale; just cried over everything. And guess what. When all the crying was done and the tissues were thrown out, I felt such an incredible sense of relief.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to seek out a good psychologist if you have -- or think you are beginning to have -- disordered eating. I see my therapist once a week and have had a few times when I was feeling so shaky I saw him twice a week. Therapy is critical for the recovery and healing process -- and not just for food issues but a whole host of other things as well. I did not enter therapy for disordered eating. I was in therapy before I enrolled in the Optifast program. This turned out to be a very good thing, because I had this critical support in place when the disordered eating pattern started up.

A therapist's office is a "safe place" to share your feelings with someone who will not judge you, not hurt you, who isn't biased (say, like a family member), who just wants to listen and help you get better. I have never left my therapist's office not feeling better, more centered, more hopeful that I can master everything that plagues me. Life can be very difficult and overwhelming for some of us. Talk therapy helps us sort through and overcome our obstacles to happiness.

At my clinic, they hand out a list of good psychologists in our area that specialize in disordered eating. I was thrilled to see that done. I've been in and out of therapy since my mid-20s, and know all the wonderful benefits of it, but many people have not -- and might not realize how helpful it is. I don't know how many people in my clinic actually take that next step to set up an appointment, but I so hope many do.

I feel a little emotionally spent right now, but in a good way. I plan on going to bed early, after a long bath. My weight is holding steady in that 8-10 lb. over goal range, and tonight I'm at peace with that. My eating wasn't so great today -- I had no breakfast, had lunch, no snack, then pizza (I ate three pieces very, very quickly). I was ravenous at dinner because I did not eat properly throughout the day. I've been taught to do otherwise, so tomorrow I will get things back in line. This is the first time I have eaten like this, so there's not a pattern yet. No need to go down that path!

As I wrap up this series of posts where I have acknowledged my disordered eating, I hope that I have helped someone who is going through this kind of struggle too, and perhaps helped others who don't struggle to understand a little bit better what disordered eating is all about. Much of it is psychological -- and that's why a therapist is so important. I am sending a big "electronic hug" and much love to those wounded warriors like me. We'll heal. In time.  



    

Seriously Speaking, Part II

I was reading over my last post just now, and suddenly I feel very vulnerable. What have I done, revealing my disordered eating and emotional breakdowns -- how could I do this? What are people thinking about me? That I'm a freak? Have I set off some panic in some that Optifast will lead them to a similar situation? Do my readers already know I have been screwed up all along, and are dumbfounded it took me this long to see it? I'm nervous. Feel like I'm out on a limb. With no clothes on my body. But what's done is done, so I'm just going to keep discussing this openly and candidly. For me, that's the only way to go.  

Today, Monday, I had a little goal for myself. Yes, I would have my same breakfast, lunch and snack, but for dinner I would partake in a soup I made for my husband (we both are sick right now and I figured soup was a good choice). Now normally, I would only eat a small piece of chicken or fish, or a chicken patty, and a small serving of a bean salad for dinner. And I would eat this small dinner every day of the week. But tonight I thought I'd do things differently. Tonight, I wanted to start addressing this restrictive diet of mine. Tonight I wanted to start the healing process.

I made a ditalini pasta and barley soup, with hot sausage, celery, onion, carrots, diced potato, garlic and parsley. It was all simmered in vegetable broth. Quite simple. My husband got his serving with a drizzle of olive oil and lots of shredded parmesan cheese. I had a small serving, no olive oil or cheese, and was nervous about eating it, but went ahead and had it. As I was eating, it struck me how rarely I eat my gourmet cooking anymore, and I felt a twinge of sadness.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten one of the meals I cook for my husband since I started and finished Optifasting and moved into maintenance. With the overeating at the restaurant once, sometimes twice, a week, and my attempts to back out possible weight gain with a very strict eating routine the rest of the time, the gourmet meals cooked at home have been verbotten for me. And initially, I didn't mind that one bit because I got/get an incredible amount of stability and feeling of safety when I eat the same thing every day. But my heart tells me this eating one -- and only one -- menu day in and day out is just not normal. Something has to change.

Now, right now, you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming away from my established eating pattern. I refuse to give it up. And herein lies the roots of the disordered eating. I don't know if others do something like this -- have this ritualistic pattern -- but if so, you probably have the same type of resistance I do. On the one hand, it's just like Optifast. Same thing, every day. You know calories in and don't really need calculations. But I'm not Optifasting anymore. I'm in the "real" world, with "real" food. Balance and variety needs to be found, and that's clearly not being followed by me. And why? It's so simple. I believe I'll gain all my weight back. And then I'll feel like a failure.

It's important to note that I really didn't acknowledge this as disordered eating until I began to start wanting answers as to why I was starting to binge and get so very upset. I turned to books and began to learn more about anorexia, binge/purge eating, and binge eating disorder. And I started to see that I had glimmers of this. I just sort of "fell into" disordered eating, and now it's here to stay -- unless I do something. So this is where I am today.  

Interestingly, I feel sorta optimistic tonight. There's that saying, "You name it, and you can tame it." That resonates with me. I think having the pasta soup tonight is a big start. And I'm very, very proud of myself. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but that's not important. I focus on today, as you know. And right now I'm yawning and thinking about going up to sleep. Enough typing for tonight. Sleep well, all. Sweet dreams.  

Seriously Speaking, Part I

We must interrupt our normally scheduled programming to transition over to a discussion about my recent concerns that I may be developing disordered eating. Binges, followed by tight restrictions, followed by a binge again. Collapsing into my husband's arms last week and just sobbing that I barely eat anything anymore, but don't lose any weight. I am always thinking about food. I berate myself when I overeat. This is what dysfunctional eating is. And it's what I am doing.

I'm here to nip this crisis -- and it's a real crisis -- in the bud. Some people very, very close to me have eating disorders and I know intimately the pain and suffering that goes alongside them. To think that I myself may be joining them in this turmoil is, in some ways, too much to bear. But folks, the roots of my disordered eating tree are growing, and if you go back and read through this blog since I hit maintenance seven months ago, the clues, the progression of the disorder is there plain as day.

Because we are not going to solve this today, or next week, or even next month, I am going to step back here and share a poem. It should resonate with those who have the scale problem like I do. For those who weigh regularly with no real issue, this can perhaps give you insight into why some of us wrestle with the scale so much.

TYRANNY
By Wendy T.
August 7, 1988

When did tool turn tyrant so on me?
From measured weight to loss of liberty?
When the experts know much more, they log the diet victims in statistics lore.
It's war.

The tyrant lies full square -- a foot to either side.
There's no relief at hand, no place in which to hide.
The digits tell the tale of what the day will be
For me.

Depressed or high depends on what I see.
Illogical, fantastical as it may seem.
A pound or less can shatter some sweet dream
Of permission to eat.

There is no joy of final goal achieved.
It has to be maintained to be believed.
It's war.

The body craves some food and the obsession feeds
As mind controls it and denies it's needs.
The fear is always there: Will all control be lost?
Self-discipline upon the seas be tossed -- in one great binge or more?

It's war.

All have a cross to bear in life.
Stone captives filled with strain and strife.
We battle all alone with these our fears.
I hope declining years

Will slowly show the way.
And I, in truth, I will some day say:
Pass the bread and butter friend.
The war is finally at an end.

* * *

Sometimes silence is not so golden. I think if we can talk openly and honestly about disordered eating, it starts the healing process. So in the next few posts, I'm going to try to pull the curtain back a little bit on my situation. I worry, of course, that I will be a "downer" for some people, that what I write can somehow be used as "fodder" to justify attacks on Optifast. Optifast is not to blame for this. Frankly, no one is to blame.

I am going to be gentle with myself as I work through this eating issue. This is going to take time. Thankfully, I have the time to devote to this. I'm holding steady at 8-10 lbs. over goal and this is an okay place for me -- right now. As always, it's baby steps. And I'm pretty darn good at walking this way now! Thanks all for your support. It means the world to me.  

For Those Struggling

A dear Facebook friend posted this in our Optifast Chat Support group. I wanted to share it with those on product or in maintenance who might be struggling right now. Lord knows I had extremely challenging days when I was Optifasting, and my intermittent anxiety from maintenance has been tough to handle sometimes. But guess what? I made it to goal and I'm well on my way to getting this 8 lbs. of weight gain back off. I'm getting through.

Actually, things have been looking up for me lately. I'm letting go of the panic over the summer gain that was driving me to consider Optifasting again down to 150 lbs. (10 lbs. under my goal weight) for some "wiggle room" in case things crept up again. I realize that's just too low for me, I couldn't maintain it, I'd probably look sickly, and my anxiety would get worse. I'd also have to start spending a lot of money again and my husband would not be happy with that.

No, I'm going to continue following the guidelines of the iDiet, and work with Millie, to carve off the 8 lb. gain. I'm going to continue to work on limiting my portion size and to eat slowly (something I am still struggling with). I'm back to walking a little over a mile a day, and I know it's not much but it's something.

Yes, I've had some very, very rough days. And I've survived them all. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and I need to remember that. Constantly remind myself. If I stop to think about this, I've done a heck of a good job maintaining these past seven months -- nipping gains in the bud and immediately working to bring them back down. I'm not throwing up my hands and saying to hell with it. I'm committed to maintenance for life.

So tonight I will rest easy. I had a yummy fava bean salad and ground chicken patty for dinner, and my tummy is really full from my Fiber One "concoction" and I feel no urge to graze. What a relief. Yes, things are "pretty good." For now (wink, wink). Take care all.  

Apron On!

Well, I'm moving forward with one of my new maintenance strategies: Curbing the dinners out until I get back to my Optifasting goal weight (now 8 lbs. to go). I have decided to have Saturday as our "date night" where I cook a special, higher calorie meal and join my husband in eating it. This way I can control the salt, fat and if I'm using it, sugar, as well as incorporate some fiber in a creative way.

I decided on a Middle Eastern meal, and I spent a wonderful day in the kitchen making baba ganoush (eggplant dip) with whole wheat pita; lamb kibbeh (a torpedo-shaped lamb and bulgur "meatball") with a no-fat yogurt and garlic dip; and a whole wheat quinoa and lentil salad with scallions, cilantro, lime zest and mint, tossed in a Dijon mustard vinaigrette. I watched my portion size but did have problems eating slowly. It's nuts, you know, spending hours preparing everything only to gobble it down at breakneck speed. Definitely need to keep working on this!

My kibbeh, ready to go in the oven

For dessert, I am having my Fiber One/no fat yogurt/peaches concoction, and instead of lower calorie sliced almonds, I am going to have some crumbled pecans. This makes it "special" and I'm looking forward to it. I'll sprinkle Splenda on it -- that enhances the flavor of the peaches. I have also been drinking Pellegrino (sparkling mineral water) with a lime wedge all day, and I love that. It's my no-calorie "cocktail" that Millie recommended to our class and it's now a staple in our home!

I'll be back to my normal diet tomorrow and all week, until next Saturday. My clinic weigh in "looms" on Wednesday, but I'm not sweating bullets at all. I feel solid with my plan, I've got my "OptiFamily" support on Facebook, and of course Millie who gets repeated emails from me and always gets back to me with wonderful advice and guidance.

Special Fiber One concoction addition: Pecans! 

So things are good tonight. Of course, who the heck knows what tomorrow will bring, but I try to live in the "now" these days. And now, I'm happy. Which is nice! Sleep well, all.

Reflections: Seven Months of Maintenance

I was thinking about what to write tonight, mulling over some topics in my head. I just looked up from the computer and Venus and Serena Williams are on the television right now, playing doubles tennis at the U.S. Open. They are really struggling. I kinda feel like that's my situation right now. Struggling, wrestling with maintenance. Of course in the back of my mind I'm optimistic that I'll ultimately be successful in holding my weight at a healthy point. But I've been constantly trying to manage "curve balls." Just like the Williams sisters.

I thought I'd provide a summary of the things I've experienced since I started my "maintenance journey" in January:

1. I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Now, this may be because I have never been on a diet, never avoided cooking and eating fattening foods, and always ordered whatever the heck I wanted at restaurants. Now that I'm on my fiber/protein-based maintenance diet, my eating has radically changed, and that's ushered in feelings of frustration, guilt when I deviate from my routine, a little bit of wistfulness, and inevitably fear that I will gain all my weight back if I let things slip. I didn't expect these feelings -- ones that can be overwhelming at times -- when I was Optifasting. But there's good news: I have located books addressing how to manage these emotions, and I'm getting the tools to keep them under control.

2. I've gained some weight. Currently, I'm around 170 lbs., roughly 10 lbs. above my goal. Am I scared? You bet. As I've indicated in a previous post, I constantly flip from believing I have to jump back on Optifast for a month and remove food completely again, to thinking I stay the course with my diet and make the necessary adjustments to it to lose weight, versus maintain weight. Right now I'm sticking with my diet and have halted our dinners out. I'm questioning doing Optifast again because of the cost, and I know my weekly loss rate is very low. Can I summon up the patience and commitment to go through it all again? I wonder.

3. Exercise still poses a problem for me. I'm frustrated. I really began embracing exercise when I first moved into maintenance, but my motivation ebbs, and I stop, then start up again, then stop, etc. etc. Right now I'm back to walking my mile every day, and my husband and I are playing tennis tomorrow and going for a bike ride on Sunday. But things aren't consistent and I'm deeply concerned. Folks, I just don't (right now) like exercise. And I feel guilty and "less-than" and destined for failure. It's not something I want to do, it's something I make myself do. I pray this will change. Honestly, I do.

4. I need my nutritionist, clinic friends and Facebook friends more than ever. Being able to see Millie on a regular basis, mingle with the Optifast participants before and after our weekly class, and connect with my Optifast Facebook friends daily is helping me keep this 10 lb. weight gain capped right now. Accountability at the clinic, unwavering support (and sometimes needed "tough love") online is keeping my commitment to a healthy lifestyle alive. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to maintain your weight loss after Optifasting without this kind of support. I couldn't do it. I'm blessed.

5. I may be struggling, but I'm gaining more experience and wisdom with each day. I've viewed my entire Optifast experience -- from being on product to now being in maintenance -- as a journey. On a road with potholes, that requires hikes up and down hills, sometimes littered with obstacles that can make me stumble. Millie likens maintenance to a Revolutionary "battle" and I really like that. I held a few pounds under my goal during my initial months of maintenance, and then around the fifth month, things started to slide. But this is just the first skirmish -- the war is not over, not by a long shot. I've got 10 lbs. to shed and I'm not giving up. I can do this. I will do this. From past vacations and dinners out, I know now what caused the weight gain. So I can make necessary adjustments. I learn more and more about living a healthy lifestyle from my clinic classes and books I read. I've always believed in "the power of positive thinking." That's what I'm embracing now.

So onward, little soldier. You've been promoted to lieutenant. Grab your musket and let's go!

 

Crisis Or Opportunity?

Good evening dear readers, and apologies for another long absence due to preparations and traveling to Massachusetts for a family reunion over the Labor Day weekend. If there's one thing I will try very hard to do, it's keep going with this blog, as many Optifast blogs just stop and I don't want to have one of those. So know that recently days may pass between my entries, but I am not abandoning my blog. It keeps me sane and focused and hopefully continues to relay information that will help you "survive" Optifasting and maintenance.

Where to start tonight. Well, I'm tempted to tell you I'm in a "crisis" as my weight has swung up again after a long weekend of eating and imbibing alcohol (which I normally do not do). I left Columbus with a plan but ditched that as soon as our plane hit the runway. I didn't want to be "constrained," I wanted to let loose, sort of a "last hurrah" of the summer, and I was so, so nervous about gathering with 23 of my husband's relatives. The end result was a gain on top of the extra 8 lbs. over goal I was carrying before I left. When I stepped on the scale upon my return I was of course upset. Berating myself. All that bad stuff.

But -- and this is a big but -- I have been thinking all day today that I can either be paralyzed with fear and keep eating away OR I can take this "opportunity" to take stock of my behavior when I am out of town on vacations and change it; resume my high fiber/high protein diet (following The iDiet book); get my butt moving again; and bring my weight back down. It goes without saying that I'm taking the latter option.

I was not able to get to the clinic yesterday for my "official" weigh in, but I am going to try, try, try to not step on the scale until next Wednesday. You know me and the scale. I can't tolerate fluctuations right now. I am just going to stick with my eating regime of eating the same breakfast, lunch and two snacks, then an iDiet dinner. It's "boundary setting" and that works for me at this juncture. Some may not like this -- find it too repetitive, too boring, but for someone like me who has never been on a diet before, someone who has always eaten whatever they want, this plan of mine gives me the structure I need.

I have noticed that I had a great deal of water today and my appetite just plummeted. I don't view this as a good thing, because it will just lead to waking up at night starving, and creeping down to the kitchen to reach for whatever I can find to make the hunger pains go away. I overdid it, and I need to ease back a bit. I guess I got a little fanatical about the gain, got a little obsessed about carving the 10 lbs. off. I forgot my belief that "slow but steady" wins the race. But as we know this is a journey, and it's "imperfect progress." I will try to remember that.

So onward I go, with the support of my clinic and Facebook friends. I can do this! Just watch me!