Putting Down The Pom Poms

Last Wednesday I had my weigh-in at the clinic. My current weight: 170 lbs. This is 10 lbs. over my goal weight, and includes a 5 lb. gain off the bat when my thyroid and other medicine were increased in June. So we can deduce I have 5 lbs. of vacation weight to lose, and that the remainder will be very difficult to shed, unless I am on Optifast (or a similar very low calorie diet). At least that's been my experience.

I'm going to get very, very honest and say that today, four days later, I'm putting down my Optifast cheerleader pom poms and going to tell you straight up: I'm frightened. I'm paralyzed. I'm upset. I want to cry. I'm anxious. And I don't know what to do.

My "recovery plan" is all over the map again. One minute I feel content to just stay the course with a high-fiber diet, kick start more exercise, and get back into "patience" and "acceptance" that I have a good shot at carving off 5 lbs. in due course. But the next moment, I get scared that I'm getting out of control and must resume Optifasting ASAP to get back down to my goal weight (and maybe farther down, to accommodate future med increases). Then I become deeply concerned that this will spark "yo-yo" dieting, and I do not want to have anything to do with that.

Folks, I'm at a crossroad. I was traversing my maintenance road and now it feels like I've come to a screeching halt. All I can manage to do right now is follow my high-fiber diet guidelines for most of the week; play tennis and bicycle and walk the dogs; fight tooth and nail not to eat out of control when we go out to our restaurants twice a week; and seek solace on Facebook and in my books on emotional eating and battling cravings.

Some might say, "Just exercise more." Others might say, "I told you so. You'll soon be part of that vast majority that gains all their weight back after a liquid diet." What I am trying to say to myself, what I am trying to believe, is when you have a big decision to make, and don't know which direction to go, just stay where you are for awhile until the path you want to take comes into better focus. Which basically translates into keep the weight gain capped at 170 lbs., slowly make the dietary/exercise changes needed to bring the number back down, and keep talking about and writing out your feelings to keep things under control.

I want to be positive here. I want to show that maintenance after weight loss through Optifast is possible, that in fact I am doing it. But today -- today I'm just plain scared and upset. I'm not feeling positive at all. I tried to talk with my husband about it, but understandably it's sorta hard for him to get the full gist of my feelings. Facebook friends in transition and maintenance certainly, clearly understand. So I've turned to them for support. But inevitably, it comes down to me and the "now."  

Today I want to eat. Just eat and eat and eat and eat. To hell with calorie counting, salt monitoring, exercise, the whole she-bang. Today, I don't want to weigh at the clinic anymore. I don't want to talk about weight management anymore. I want to...I just...I want to give up.

And I can't.

Maintenance is hard. Pardon the language, but it's a bitch. Right now. For me. I'm fighting against myself, and I'm mad about it. I know it's time to take a walk, just move, clear my head. But here I am at 2:00 p.m. still in my nightgown. I know what I need to do. Go upstairs. Throw some water on my face. Pull on some shorts and a t-shirt. Walk around the park. Then stop by the grocery and get my fixings for my lunch. And this is what I will do. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I resent it, actually. Right now.

This is a nice vent. At least I got some of this out. And it will be here for me to read over when my head clears, and I can say, "Yes, I survived that."