Finding A "New Normal"

As I've mentioned before, I've pretty much got all areas of my life -- work, marriage, family -- under control. The one exception is my weight, well, more specifically, my anxiety about my weight. You know this has plagued me all throughout my maintenance journey, and I've been trying to combat it with medication, exercise, talk therapy, support from Facebook friends -- I'm pretty much pursuing all avenues available to me to get this anxiety stabilized.

If I break this down, I am anxious because my weight now "swings" between 167 lbs. to 172 lbs. This is roughly 10 lbs. over the range I held for the first five months of maintenance. So in essence, 10 stupid pounds is absolutely wrecking my serenity. I restrict what I eat, for the most part, and it doesn't come off. I walk every day, and it doesn't come off. I hydrate every day and it doesn't come off. And I get upset every morning when I get on the scale and it hasn't come off.

Now, I can keep living with this anxiety, keep trying to "medicate" it away, or I can honestly take stock of my situation and say, "Melissa, the buck stops here. Your "new normal" is 167 - 172 lbs. This is where your body wants to be and that is AOK!" I need to not only say this, but believe it, accept it, and find comfort in it.

I do have one Facebook friend who reached goal, put 10 lbs. back on, but successfully maintained that for years. She told me she actually looked better with the extra weight. That gives me a lot of hope, knowing there is someone who put some pounds back on but still successfully maintained. Of course it's in the forefront of my mind -- and most likely your mind too -- that any quasi-significant gain (10+ lbs.) spells disaster. Reaching your goal weight feels so great, is so great, and in my case the desire to stay there is so, so strong. But it could just very well be that my body just doesn't want to be there.

Do I look good? I guess I'd say yes. Do my clothes fit? Yes. Do I feel good, physically? Yes. Are my vitals good? Excellent. Emotionally, I need a lot of work. But am I doing something about it? Yes. What then, is the real problem here? I guess if I analyze it, break it down, it's my perfectionism, vestiges of obsessiveness, fear, "black and white thinking," just a host of things that partially make up who I am. Perhaps some can really relate to this; others not so much. But this is me. The hand I was dealt.

I am going to see if my anxiety lessens this week as I move to embrace my "new normal." I have an inkling it will. This is going to take some time to get comfortable with it, but I've got that. So I guess I'm now on a "journey within a journey." Not something I expected, but I've had my share of maintenance curveballs, so I'm getting much better at reading the pitcher's throw. I'm getting very familiar with the "swing" of things.

As always, onward I go, baby steps all the way. It's the only way to do it!
 

My New Mantra

You know, I really do like Facebook. I was slow to join, but after much prodding and repeated invitations from a college friend living in Boston, I signed myself up -- and I've been pleased ever since. On my "News Feed" I see lots of witty sayings that make me smile. This one about worrying of course hit home. Color me a Worry Wart. Been like this for a long time!

My maintenance journey, as you know, has been fraught with worry, as I put a lot of pressure on myself to "beat the odds" and keep my weight off. That's a pretty big burden to be lugging around, but I'm taking my slow steps -- like expanding my menus -- to ease up on things. I am thrilled to report my weigh-in today was 167 lbs. Sure, it may not hold, but I have not been down to this weight in months. Just 7 pounds away from my old goal now.

I think about all the worry I have gone through to get to this point and it saddens, no, it frustrates me. It's sort of a "knee jerk" reaction I have that kicks in whenever I am having troubles with a challenge or facing unpredictable situations. Sure, I might try to strive for a "worry-free" life, but it appears I'm just "hot wired" for it. It's just a part of me.

Now, the more I feel comfortable about a situation, the more things are certain, the worry diminishes. I'm sure that goes for most worry warts. Big changes give me lots of trouble, and this explains why my maintenance path has been very bumpy. Overhauling my eating, including what I eat and when I eat; incorporating exercise when previously I lived an almost entirely sedentary lifestyle; delving into why I overeat and eat so quickly. This is a lot to do and process. But I'm putting in the time and effort, and I think that's why I've been able to cap my regain at a point where I can rely on dieting to bring it back down. So I'm grateful for that.

No, my worrying won't go completely away. But it is indeed true. It doesn't get you anywhere!

   

Expanding My "Menu"

I've been so, so tired lately, struggling with a cold, but I've been quite the trooper. I've been working all week preparing for an event we have on Monday, then it's home for the domestic tasks. I don't use the word "chores" because one task is cooking dinner and I do so delight in that. And I had a big victory last night in my new plan of expanding my own very simplistic eating pattern. I'd like to share it with you.

I thought I'd cook some French food for my husband. I decided on a potato, swiss and ham gratin, which is made with eggs and cream and a heck of a lot of butter. He loves French food so I set about preparing the dish. I knew I wouldn't have any, but that didn't take away from the pleasure I got from making it.

I always make a vegetable -- preferably something green -- to go alongside a dish. I rummaged through the fridge and found a big bunch of asparagus. Aha! I thought. What a perfect compliment to the gratin. I decided to break the ends off the stalks and cut them into 2-inch pieces. I then heated up a skillet and put in some peanut oil in and sauteed the asparagus with chopped scallions (be sure to chop the whole scallion, including the green part) and minced garlic. The wonderful aroma filled the kitchen. And it was then I decided, "I'm going to eat some of this asparagus too!"

I made my simple chicken patty but alongside it I had a serving of that wonderful asparagus. It may sound like no big deal, but to me it most certainly was. Normally, I would target peanut oil as a big, big no-no, telling myself I could only eat sauteed things prepared with olive oil cooking spray. But I let that rigid restriction go, and I enjoyed my wonderful asparagus. Of course, hubby did too!

It goes without saying that this morning I asked myself, "Are you going to be heading down that slippery slope of starting with the asparagus, only to fall right back into eating your gourmet food and gaining all your weight back?" But then I tried to put things into perspective, and realize that I have months and months of counseling with Millie and all the valuable information from the clinic. I have my weekly weigh-ins, which keep me accountable. And deep, deep inside of me is the commitment to stay healthy, to protect my body, to be happy.

So I am boldly, yet slowly, moving forward with my new goal of easing up a little bit on those tight, tight reins. Yes, I'm very proud of myself today. It may be cloudy outside, but I'm beaming!  

Seriously Speaking, Part III

Saw my therapist today and cried a river a tears. Cried over the insanity that someone as intelligent and gifted as myself has such a low self esteem that I need to be pried off the pavement; cried over the day 12 years ago when anxiety and stress finally debilitated me, and launched me into a world of medication; cried over my obsessiveness with food and that damned scale; just cried over everything. And guess what. When all the crying was done and the tissues were thrown out, I felt such an incredible sense of relief.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to seek out a good psychologist if you have -- or think you are beginning to have -- disordered eating. I see my therapist once a week and have had a few times when I was feeling so shaky I saw him twice a week. Therapy is critical for the recovery and healing process -- and not just for food issues but a whole host of other things as well. I did not enter therapy for disordered eating. I was in therapy before I enrolled in the Optifast program. This turned out to be a very good thing, because I had this critical support in place when the disordered eating pattern started up.

A therapist's office is a "safe place" to share your feelings with someone who will not judge you, not hurt you, who isn't biased (say, like a family member), who just wants to listen and help you get better. I have never left my therapist's office not feeling better, more centered, more hopeful that I can master everything that plagues me. Life can be very difficult and overwhelming for some of us. Talk therapy helps us sort through and overcome our obstacles to happiness.

At my clinic, they hand out a list of good psychologists in our area that specialize in disordered eating. I was thrilled to see that done. I've been in and out of therapy since my mid-20s, and know all the wonderful benefits of it, but many people have not -- and might not realize how helpful it is. I don't know how many people in my clinic actually take that next step to set up an appointment, but I so hope many do.

I feel a little emotionally spent right now, but in a good way. I plan on going to bed early, after a long bath. My weight is holding steady in that 8-10 lb. over goal range, and tonight I'm at peace with that. My eating wasn't so great today -- I had no breakfast, had lunch, no snack, then pizza (I ate three pieces very, very quickly). I was ravenous at dinner because I did not eat properly throughout the day. I've been taught to do otherwise, so tomorrow I will get things back in line. This is the first time I have eaten like this, so there's not a pattern yet. No need to go down that path!

As I wrap up this series of posts where I have acknowledged my disordered eating, I hope that I have helped someone who is going through this kind of struggle too, and perhaps helped others who don't struggle to understand a little bit better what disordered eating is all about. Much of it is psychological -- and that's why a therapist is so important. I am sending a big "electronic hug" and much love to those wounded warriors like me. We'll heal. In time.  



    

Seriously Speaking, Part II

I was reading over my last post just now, and suddenly I feel very vulnerable. What have I done, revealing my disordered eating and emotional breakdowns -- how could I do this? What are people thinking about me? That I'm a freak? Have I set off some panic in some that Optifast will lead them to a similar situation? Do my readers already know I have been screwed up all along, and are dumbfounded it took me this long to see it? I'm nervous. Feel like I'm out on a limb. With no clothes on my body. But what's done is done, so I'm just going to keep discussing this openly and candidly. For me, that's the only way to go.  

Today, Monday, I had a little goal for myself. Yes, I would have my same breakfast, lunch and snack, but for dinner I would partake in a soup I made for my husband (we both are sick right now and I figured soup was a good choice). Now normally, I would only eat a small piece of chicken or fish, or a chicken patty, and a small serving of a bean salad for dinner. And I would eat this small dinner every day of the week. But tonight I thought I'd do things differently. Tonight, I wanted to start addressing this restrictive diet of mine. Tonight I wanted to start the healing process.

I made a ditalini pasta and barley soup, with hot sausage, celery, onion, carrots, diced potato, garlic and parsley. It was all simmered in vegetable broth. Quite simple. My husband got his serving with a drizzle of olive oil and lots of shredded parmesan cheese. I had a small serving, no olive oil or cheese, and was nervous about eating it, but went ahead and had it. As I was eating, it struck me how rarely I eat my gourmet cooking anymore, and I felt a twinge of sadness.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten one of the meals I cook for my husband since I started and finished Optifasting and moved into maintenance. With the overeating at the restaurant once, sometimes twice, a week, and my attempts to back out possible weight gain with a very strict eating routine the rest of the time, the gourmet meals cooked at home have been verbotten for me. And initially, I didn't mind that one bit because I got/get an incredible amount of stability and feeling of safety when I eat the same thing every day. But my heart tells me this eating one -- and only one -- menu day in and day out is just not normal. Something has to change.

Now, right now, you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming away from my established eating pattern. I refuse to give it up. And herein lies the roots of the disordered eating. I don't know if others do something like this -- have this ritualistic pattern -- but if so, you probably have the same type of resistance I do. On the one hand, it's just like Optifast. Same thing, every day. You know calories in and don't really need calculations. But I'm not Optifasting anymore. I'm in the "real" world, with "real" food. Balance and variety needs to be found, and that's clearly not being followed by me. And why? It's so simple. I believe I'll gain all my weight back. And then I'll feel like a failure.

It's important to note that I really didn't acknowledge this as disordered eating until I began to start wanting answers as to why I was starting to binge and get so very upset. I turned to books and began to learn more about anorexia, binge/purge eating, and binge eating disorder. And I started to see that I had glimmers of this. I just sort of "fell into" disordered eating, and now it's here to stay -- unless I do something. So this is where I am today.  

Interestingly, I feel sorta optimistic tonight. There's that saying, "You name it, and you can tame it." That resonates with me. I think having the pasta soup tonight is a big start. And I'm very, very proud of myself. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but that's not important. I focus on today, as you know. And right now I'm yawning and thinking about going up to sleep. Enough typing for tonight. Sleep well, all. Sweet dreams.  

Seriously Speaking, Part I

We must interrupt our normally scheduled programming to transition over to a discussion about my recent concerns that I may be developing disordered eating. Binges, followed by tight restrictions, followed by a binge again. Collapsing into my husband's arms last week and just sobbing that I barely eat anything anymore, but don't lose any weight. I am always thinking about food. I berate myself when I overeat. This is what dysfunctional eating is. And it's what I am doing.

I'm here to nip this crisis -- and it's a real crisis -- in the bud. Some people very, very close to me have eating disorders and I know intimately the pain and suffering that goes alongside them. To think that I myself may be joining them in this turmoil is, in some ways, too much to bear. But folks, the roots of my disordered eating tree are growing, and if you go back and read through this blog since I hit maintenance seven months ago, the clues, the progression of the disorder is there plain as day.

Because we are not going to solve this today, or next week, or even next month, I am going to step back here and share a poem. It should resonate with those who have the scale problem like I do. For those who weigh regularly with no real issue, this can perhaps give you insight into why some of us wrestle with the scale so much.

TYRANNY
By Wendy T.
August 7, 1988

When did tool turn tyrant so on me?
From measured weight to loss of liberty?
When the experts know much more, they log the diet victims in statistics lore.
It's war.

The tyrant lies full square -- a foot to either side.
There's no relief at hand, no place in which to hide.
The digits tell the tale of what the day will be
For me.

Depressed or high depends on what I see.
Illogical, fantastical as it may seem.
A pound or less can shatter some sweet dream
Of permission to eat.

There is no joy of final goal achieved.
It has to be maintained to be believed.
It's war.

The body craves some food and the obsession feeds
As mind controls it and denies it's needs.
The fear is always there: Will all control be lost?
Self-discipline upon the seas be tossed -- in one great binge or more?

It's war.

All have a cross to bear in life.
Stone captives filled with strain and strife.
We battle all alone with these our fears.
I hope declining years

Will slowly show the way.
And I, in truth, I will some day say:
Pass the bread and butter friend.
The war is finally at an end.

* * *

Sometimes silence is not so golden. I think if we can talk openly and honestly about disordered eating, it starts the healing process. So in the next few posts, I'm going to try to pull the curtain back a little bit on my situation. I worry, of course, that I will be a "downer" for some people, that what I write can somehow be used as "fodder" to justify attacks on Optifast. Optifast is not to blame for this. Frankly, no one is to blame.

I am going to be gentle with myself as I work through this eating issue. This is going to take time. Thankfully, I have the time to devote to this. I'm holding steady at 8-10 lbs. over goal and this is an okay place for me -- right now. As always, it's baby steps. And I'm pretty darn good at walking this way now! Thanks all for your support. It means the world to me.  

For Those Struggling

A dear Facebook friend posted this in our Optifast Chat Support group. I wanted to share it with those on product or in maintenance who might be struggling right now. Lord knows I had extremely challenging days when I was Optifasting, and my intermittent anxiety from maintenance has been tough to handle sometimes. But guess what? I made it to goal and I'm well on my way to getting this 8 lbs. of weight gain back off. I'm getting through.

Actually, things have been looking up for me lately. I'm letting go of the panic over the summer gain that was driving me to consider Optifasting again down to 150 lbs. (10 lbs. under my goal weight) for some "wiggle room" in case things crept up again. I realize that's just too low for me, I couldn't maintain it, I'd probably look sickly, and my anxiety would get worse. I'd also have to start spending a lot of money again and my husband would not be happy with that.

No, I'm going to continue following the guidelines of the iDiet, and work with Millie, to carve off the 8 lb. gain. I'm going to continue to work on limiting my portion size and to eat slowly (something I am still struggling with). I'm back to walking a little over a mile a day, and I know it's not much but it's something.

Yes, I've had some very, very rough days. And I've survived them all. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and I need to remember that. Constantly remind myself. If I stop to think about this, I've done a heck of a good job maintaining these past seven months -- nipping gains in the bud and immediately working to bring them back down. I'm not throwing up my hands and saying to hell with it. I'm committed to maintenance for life.

So tonight I will rest easy. I had a yummy fava bean salad and ground chicken patty for dinner, and my tummy is really full from my Fiber One "concoction" and I feel no urge to graze. What a relief. Yes, things are "pretty good." For now (wink, wink). Take care all.