Untangling Myself From The Scale

(Warning: A Quasi-Vent)

I think I finally "snapped" last night when, after a lovely day of tennis and shopping and reading, I stepped on the scale before bed and saw it had shot up to 166 lbs. Yes, yes, you always weigh more at night, yes, I've been constipated, yes, I am drinking a lot of water, yes, increases in your thyroid med can cause weight gain, yes, my clothes fit just fine. But seeing that number glaring up at me, well, my heart just sank and suddenly the memories of a lovely day disappeared, and in came the dejection and anxiety and fear. I didn't binge. I've been following my normal eating plan as usual. We have stopped going out. I am exercising every day now. I'm doing everything I am supposed to do and I can't get back to that stupid 157 lbs. I'm swinging all over the place.

I...can't...get...certainty. And I'm mad as hell.

I had a fleeting thought of throwing everything out the window and just start eating with abandon. But then I stepped back and realized that would only hurt me, further damage my fragile self-esteem, and set me on a path of undoing everything I worked so hard to achieve. No, turning to fattening food is not the answer. Taking the power away from that scale is.

It's very, very well known that one of the key things for success in maintenance is weighing yourself regularly. At least once a week. And oh, do I weigh. In the morning, before my shower, and at night, right before I go to bed. Religiously. Then there is the weekly weigh-in at my clinic on Wednesdays. The scale dominates my thoughts, just as my eating does. And is this surprising? Heck no, I say. I lost 80 lbs. A lot of weight. And I don't want it back.

The scale keeps me aware of where I stand, and if adjustment/crisis intervention needs to be done. I'll never be completely free of it. But sometimes I hate it. I hate how it can ruin my mood, plunge me into anxiety, make me question everything I ate for the day -- and will eat in the future. I can see so clearly now why people eventually just stop weighing altogether. It can bring (temporary) relief from worry, anxiety, tension, self-criticism, just a host of things that crop up when the dreaded "number" is not where you want it to be. I've been tight as a drum all day -- it's Sunday, I should be relaxing, but instead here I am freaking out that I'm 5+ lbs. out of my "comfort" zone. It's ridiculous. It's maddening. Something must be done.

I have decided that I am going to fight like hell not to weigh tonight. I'm going to drop back to weighing in the morning only. This is a huge step for me, but that scale is upsetting me so much -- too much -- and I've got to get some serenity back in my life. At least right now. Throwing out the scale is not an option. That would upset me even more. But I think I've got the strength to just get on it in the morning.

My dream is to get to the point where I weigh once a week. That's a long way off, but it's something I've got as a goal. It's baby steps here. Scale obsessions are very hard to break. But I'm going to start chiseling away at it. As best I can.

I Got A New Attitude

Yawn. My eyes popped open at 3:00 a.m. this morning, so I came downstairs, let the dogs out, brewed some coffee and here I am. Millie got back to me after I emailed her about the binge, reminded me this is just a "war," so now I'm polishing and loading my musket and getting ready to go back into battle. You win some skirmishes, you lose some, some are a draw. She also asked if I felt "confined" and the answer is, Yes I do! I want to be out hiking around the redwoods and out in the canyons -- I'm chomping at the bit to get out to California. Patience, Melissa. It is coming up in three weeks. The countdown has begun.

I think it was my Facebook friend Connie who shared this inspirational message on her Facebook news feed. I copied the image because I really like it, and it sums things up for me right now. My muscles are sore, but I'm working/developing them (finally!). I don't sleep well most nights, but I manage to always catch up on my rest over the weekend. Money isn't everything, and I do have everything I need -- roof over my head, loving husband, wonderful family, loads of friends. And most importantly, (and I need to keep reminding myself of this), I am not perfect, that's AOK, and I am now living a healthy life.

I knew maintenance was going to be challenging. I was talking about it all the way through my Optifasting. It was always front and center in my mind. And yes, now that I am at goal, I spend a great deal of time thinking about it every day. So much time, actually, that I can overlook all the wonderful things going on in my life right now. But I'm not going to beat myself up, and I'm going to stop labeling myself a "freak." I'm doing the best I can. My goal today is to really notice all the beauty around me -- in my garden, my gorgeous Basset Hounds (and husband), my lovely, historic neighborhood, and maybe, just maybe, I'll look in the mirror and see someone quite lovely and smiling broadly back at me. There is beauty everywhere. And I need to enjoy it.

I purchased some adorable work out clothes yesterday that actually fit me. I've been wearing my husband's sweat shorts and t-shirts because I gave away all of my shorts and t-shirts as I shrunk in size. Finally I have things that will fit properly when I have my workouts! I'm also planning on going to the thrift store and Walmart today to find more workout items and I need some jeans for the trip out West. So it's going to be a busy day, but a fun one.

All I need is a slight "attitude adjustment" -- to look at things in a positive way, to acknowledge all the wonderful things happening in my life -- and I'll be just fine. I can put this back into place. Step by step, I'm moving forward. And folks, today I feel good.


 

Another Binge

It has happened again, dear readers. I went to Target after work to get some work out clothes. And then there I was, steering my cart over to the food section, and grabbing a jar of peanut butter -- knowing I would attack it when I got home. Perhaps I got it because I was tired. Starving. Or maybe because I had a small fight with my husband in the morning, and I was still a little peeved. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm so tired of being restrictive and that damn scale. Whatever the reason, I ate 1/2 of the jar before I threw it out.

And I now feel physically sick and emotionally cruddy.

I'm frustrated because I never knew what a binge even was before Optifasting. After 3-4 binge episodes in maintenance, I am beginning to understand it better: extreme restriction, in my case, kind of sets me up for something like this to happen. I read about this in one of my books on emotional eating. I hate these binge episodes and I am wondering if I need to go to some kind of therapist specializing in this. Best to nip it in the bud early, don't you think? Perhaps I'm over-reacting. It's just I get so upset when these binges happen and I want the behavior to stop.

I took two Tums and I'm drinking lots of water. My stomach is bloated so I don't think I can get my Fiber One in tonight. I actually just want to go lie down. I really don't feel well. Well, tomorrow is a new day. The peanut butter is gone and it's back to my routine. Time to put this binge behind me, and move forward in a healthy way.

Just Doin' It

An early good morning! I'm in good spirits, despite the pain I feel from yesterday's workout. Boy, my instructor packed a lot in my classes, which included Step/Kick Boxing, followed by a Toning and Conditioning session where you work your muscles without weights, rather using your own body for resistance. I kept up as best I could, sweating all the way, and as promised, I felt so good later in the evening.

Honestly folks, I never believed I could do something like this, but here I am. In my case, I had to get my weight off before I could tackle something intense like this -- and I do sometimes feel like I wasn't an "exemplary" Optifast patient because of this. But I guess the important thing is I'm doin' it now, in maintenance, where the real work for us lies. We all know without some form of exercise there is a very strong likelihood the weight will come back. So I'm embracing it as best I can, and making progress day by day.

As I've said before, don't be hard on yourself if you're struggling with a solid exercise routine while full fasting. You know I did. Of course, try as best you can to get something going. I did walk every day, some days quite a long distance. But as far as workout classes and strength training, I struggled. If you're like me, do not give up hope. The pieces will fall into place in time. I promise. If you can commit to maintenance just like you committed to the Optifast products, you will treasure your body and want to take good care of it. And exercise will become part of your routine. It can be fun -- I'm making lots of new friends in class and the instructor is wonderful. And I do feel better. My anxiety is completely under control.

My weight is slowly going back down to where I am comfortable. As Millie has told me, it takes 5-7 days for me to shed the water weight that comes from any high-sodium meal I eat -- like the BBQ I had last Saturday. This is ultimately teaching me patience, but at the same time I am really becoming "in tune" with my body. Now, an interesting thing is yesterday morning, I weighed in at 161 lbs., and now I'm up to 163 lbs. I think this has something to do with my workout and my muscles -- I've sent an email to Millie to find out.

I'm working very hard to step away from the "numbers" on the scale and to not jump into panic when I hang out 5-7 lbs. from my "comfort" weight. I know that the increase in the thyroid med, coupled with the summertime, automatically added a few pounds. Who knows -- maybe my exercise classes will help me get back down to 157 lbs., where I feel most comfortable. But I'm going to work very, very hard to not obsess; to have confidence in my wise eating choices; and to remember that I cannot do maintenance perfectly, but I'm doing a heck of a good job so far. Mid-July marks six months in maintenance for me. Yes, I'd say I'm doing pretty darn well!

It's Friday today, and the weekend is almost upon us. I will be doing some gardening with my husband and a good dose of housecleaning -- things have "slipped" a little bit around here lately! Plus we'll be playing tennis all weekend. We have cut out our one restaurant meal a week, as we prepare for the California trip next month. Part of this is to save money, but the other part is to watch our weight. I'll be cooking some iDiet rolls and bread on Sunday, and making healthy salad "concoctions" we eat during the week. These are mixed-grain salads with chopped veggies. I have them alongside a piece of fish or chicken. Pretty simple, but it works for me right now.

TGIF all and have a great weekend!

A "New Normal"?

Good evening all and apologies for my absence. It's taken me a few days to get settled down and I report that I am feeling much, much better physically. I also started a Step/Zumba class today! This is my very first time taking one of these classes, and I sort of fumbled around but I sweated up a storm and actually had fun. I met some nice women too. Class is held at the Rec Center Tuesday and Thursday, and I will be going right up until we depart for California. In addition, I purchased tennis rackets over the weekend and my husband and I plan on playing tennis 3-4 times a week. So my new exercise routine is now in place. Hooray!

On my weight...well...hmm. It's up. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and did not watch my portion size. I went into the day weighing 159 lbs. and when I stepped on the scale Sunday, it registered 165 lbs. And it has stayed here ever since. Yes, it's the water retention from the extra sodium. But you know me -- of course I'm convinced the weight gain will be permanent, it will never come off, and I'm destined to gain everything back.

But I have decided I am going to fight back against these fears. I know my pattern now. This is not something new. I also know that the increase in my thyroid medication recently added a few pounds, and despite my efforts (pre-Step/Zumba/tennis), those pounds refuse to come off. Also, since we determined last week my sodium level was trending towards the low side, I have upped my sodium intake slightly, so there's probably more water weight from that. Which begs the question: Is 165 lbs. my "new normal"?

I guess I won't know for sure for a little while. And I'm not going to let that drive me crazy. I am just going to continue on with my healthy eating routine -- one well-established -- keep exercising, and see what happens. I am getting better with this maintenance "thing" as each day passes. And Millie continues to help me along the way. I'm content tonight. And it feels good. I'll be at the clinic tomorrow and I'll let you know how it goes. Sleep well all!

 

A Letter To Me

I had more anxiety this afternoon -- over a personal situation -- and my stomach started tightening and my neck and shoulders got very tense. I have instructions now from my psychiatrist to have another Ativan when this happens, so I did that. When relief finally came, I went for a walk with my husband in the park. Out came all my words about my fears and stressors this past week. And then my self-criticisms followed. Those are always lurking under the surface. And dear hubby told me to let all of these worries go, to do deep breathing, and he agreed that I need a massage and should go as soon as I can.

He was quick to add how proud he was of me; how incredible my Optifast compliance was; what an accomplishment reaching goal is; how I am struggling in maintenance emotionally, but making it through...and to top it all off, I am laying out my story for everyone to see, in the hopes that I might be able to help others on this same journey. I am doing the best I can, and there is nothing more I should be doing. This is my path to follow.

Tonight I want to write something to myself. A letter. It would go like this:

Melissa, I am so proud of you. You have achieved something that many cannot, for whatever reason. You worked hard for it, you sacrificed, you hung in there through countless disappointments. You faced incredible anxiety sometimes, but worked your way through it. You have made many new friends, cheered them on, supported them through difficult times. You are a good person, a caring person, a kind person.

You do not have to be perfect, Melissa. Most days, you make wise eating choices. On other days, you have relaxed things a bit. This is not something to feel guilty about. This is life. You are in a new world, embracing a new lifestyle, and it takes time to adjust to this. Give yourself the leeway to make mistakes. Your world will not fall apart and you will not plow your weight back on at breakneck speed.

Melissa, you are intelligent and gifted in so many ways. Embrace that. Believe in yourself and your capabilities. Others do. Why not you? You are loved. I love you.

Tonight I wrap my arms around "me" and give myself a big hug. I've needed to do this for a long, long time. Let's get that "sparkle" back in my eyes, that spring in my step, that smile on my face. We can do it: Me, myself and I.

Problem Solved!

The "Team" Approach

A very early "Good Morning" to all. It is with great relief that I tell you we have identified why my health has been so poor for the past week. I owe a great deal of thanks to Millie at the clinic, my thyroid doctor, and my psychologist Phil for piecing things together into a picture that makes sense. Millie's analysis summed it up best. In her words:

I suspect that you had a convergence of 3 things:

1.       an upsurge of the levothyroxine (my thyroid med) after three days of tissue-loading higher dosage

2.       a drop in Ativan (my anti-anxiety med) after two days of quadrupled fiber doses in the evening

3.       a borderline sodium level after 3 days of camping/hiking in the heat.

I had a long session with my psychologist Phil yesterday. This was before I saw Millie's email. I described all the tests I had done, and how upset I was, and how everything started last week with a racing heartbeat Wednesday and Thursday night. He then focused on the emotional events that occurred during this time, and we effectively concluded I was having panic attacks in response to some family matters. There are other physical reactions associated with panic attacks and high stress, some similar to an imbalance in electrolytes. And I exhibited these.

As Millie points out, because I wanted to lose some more weight and significantly increased my fiber last Wednesday and Thursday, my Ativan, which I took 30 minutes earlier, did not upload properly. This made me wired/vulnerable towards anxiety. Which lead to the panic attacks. I got relief over the weekend because I did not have my Fiber One at night and I was able to get away from the stressful situation. But when I returned home, the anxiety spiked again, as Millie says, my sodium level was off, and everything just spiraled out from there.

From this point forward, I am to space my fiber intake 1 1/2 - 2 hours after I take my Ativan. My thyroid doctor also wants me to hold off on ingesting lots of fiber for 1 1/2 - 2 hours after taking my levothyroxine. Otherwise, I am free to continue with my fiber-emphasized diet, which really works so well for me. My hunger is curbed, I like the food, my carb cravings are satisfied. I just need to watch the timing of my fiber ingestion, given my medications.

When I feel weak from borderline low sodium, Millie says reach for a pickle -- or a banana pepper! So I guess it's back to the Claussen's pickle spears every now and again. I'm going to pick up a jar to take to work, and also have one at home.

So I've got relief this morning. It's been a rough week, physically and emotionally, but now that the problems have been identified and are being addressed, I look forward to feeling better soon. Now it's back up to bed for me. I need to squeeze in a few more hours of slumbering before I head into the office. TGIF everyone. Have a great weekend!