Relief!

I am very pleased to report that my anxiety has ratcheted down about ten notches. I had a wonderful conversation with the dietitian yesterday about my transition anxiety, the importance of talk therapy, my "Optifast perfectionism", and a host of other things I have been worrying about. I am very, very blessed to go to a clinic with an outstanding staff who fully understand the "big picture" when it comes to weight loss and maintenance. I am firmly committed to continue with bi-weekly visits with the dietitian after I go into maintenance. It will cost about $35 per visit, but it will be worth every penny.

I was given an overview of the six-week Optifast transition plan I began following last night. This week, I am to have four products and then for dinner 4 oz. of protein and 1 cup uncooked vegetables (or 1/2 cup cooked). I have to tell you, just having the plan calmed me right down. Most of my transition anxiety is actually fear of leaving the "safety" of the products, and fear that I will lose control and gain all my weight back. It is all fear-based. It is also "future thinking" and if I engage in that, I get into trouble every time. So it's right back to living in the "now" for me.

Yes, as I predicted in my last entry, I had a small gain. I weighed in at 160 lbs., but I took it all in stride and I am very proud of myself. When I let go of that second goal of 150 lbs. I set, and just stick with my original 160 lb. goal, I immediately feel an incredible sense of relief. So 160 lbs. it shall be. Now, I have several Optifast friends who have lost additional weight in transition and/or maintenance, and perhaps that's in store for me too. But if not, I'll still be happy. I'm considering "Phase 1" to now be coming to an end. It's soon onward to maintenance -- and all the hard work that entails.

My husband told me he wants to do something himself to improve his life. Not weight loss -- he is not overweight -- but something big and rewarding. He is calling me his "motivational source." I like that! I am ever-so-slowly getting my mind around the fact that I have shed 80 lbs. Good Lord! That is unbelievable. Sometimes I cannot believe I have actually achieved this. As you know very well by now, I dwell in my head quite a bit, and I really need to just stand in front of a full-length mirror and take a good, long look. And then pat myself on the back for everything I have accomplished. I don't praise myself enough, and I will be working on that. With my therapist, with the dietitian, and through my writing. I'm excited about the personal growth that will ultimately transpire.

I continue to hunt for resources on "emotional eating" and food anxiety. I will be sure to pass the information I find on to you. Thanks to all my Optifast friends, family and everyone on the Facebook Optifast Support page for your support, praise and pick-me-ups. You mean the world to me. I am not alone and that is so wonderful to know.  

High Anxiety

Well, I've been struggling. Physically and emotionally. My body still feels out of sorts, and I'm assuming it's from the oatmeal and banana I had over the weekend. I will know for sure when I talk to the doctor at the clinic tomorrow. Emotionally, my anxiety level remains quite high, as I think about transitioning off the products and leaving the "safety" they provide. I asked my dietitian if she had any materials on managing anxiety associated with Optifast transition and she is checking. While I am waiting to see her, I am trying very hard to just "stay in the day" and relax as best I can.

From my own Optifast blog searches, I haven't yet located anyone who shares problems they might have had with anxiety associated with transition from the program. So, in a way, right now I feel like I am all alone, flailing around with no rudder, no course to follow. It's extremely uncomfortable and I am feeling urges to stress eat to manage my situation. Things I prepare for my husband for dinner, dishes I never desired before, now look appealing. Carbs seem to be calling my name -- loudly. My commitment to the full fast is under question, and I must get honest and admit that I have been having things like a part-skim string cheese, or five low-fat wheat thins, or a 100-calorie pack of almonds, or three bites of 1% cottage cheese in addition to my daily products. Now, this may seem like no big deal, something negligible when it comes to calories and carbs. But for someone like myself who does not, for the most part, deviate from what the clinic tells me to do, I feel like a failure. Just like I did over the holidays.

Transition does not allow for these additional items. In a nutshell, I will be having my "special"/restricted meal every night of the week, instead of just one day a week as I am doing now. This is a medically-designed and medically-supervised plan to follow to allow your body to ultimately be able to process "real" food on a regular basis. Sure, at some point, the cheese and nuts and crackers will be added. But not now. Actually, with a target goal of 150 lbs., I shouldn't be transitioning at all yet. It is too soon. But with my anxiety, I have decided I need to start transition now (at 159 lbs.), presumably beginning tomorrow night. It's time for the full fast to end. For my sanity.

I do not want to give anyone the impression that my situation is something you will face in your own program.  Unfortunately, I have always suffered from anxiety. What's throwing me is it has never centered around food -- this is a first for me and I certainly didn't expect it to be an issue when I started the program. What I thought was I would lose weight. Yes, this thing called "maintenance" was always floating around, and the clinic always talks about it. But transition and transition anxiety? That wasn't even on my radar screen. But oh, is it now.

I've been relying heavily on the Facebook Optifast Support page and I know I need to keep blogging about my feelings. I'm also trying to stay away from the scale, but that's not working very well. I seem to be holding steady at 159 lbs. Yes, I want a loss this week, but in my heart I know I will probably remain the same as last week, or perhaps have a slight gain. That has been my pattern throughout this whole journey -- a few weeks of losses followed by a flat/gain week. I can handle this. It's nothing new. I find if I just stay in a mindset that 160 lbs. was my initial goal and perhaps it's fine to stop here, I strangely start to feel better. Maybe this is indeed where I truly belong. Something to consider.

Perhaps you are having anxiety like I am -- you may actually be full fasting, not in transition yet. Please know that you are not alone. I am suffering right along with you. If/when I come across materials referencing how to handle Optifasting anxiety, I will pass it along. I'm sure there is something out there. Meanwhile, lets keep going One Day At A Time. Take a lot of baths. Burn a lot of scented candles. And get some good massages. That can work wonders!

Back To The "Present"

Woke up this morning feeling much, much better. My "experiments" with transitioning are over, and I am just going to get out of this thinking of how much I have spent on this program over the past months, and how much I weighed in the past and all the pain that resided there. Folks, I've had to remind myself over and over again -- when I go into the past, or jump into anxiety about the future (and gaining all the weight back) I get into big trouble. I am miserable and I cease enjoying where I am now, which is at the initial goal I set when I started, and a mere 9 lbs. to the new goal that will put my BMI in the "healthy" range. First mission accomplished.

When you know without an ounce of doubt that most people will gain back most (if not all) of the weight they lost through Optifast, it is damn near impossible for me not to worry that I will fall into that camp too. But I cannot lose sight of the key reason why most gain the weight back: they, for whatever reason, have an extremely difficult time following Optifast's maintenance program. My clinic is stressing two simple things: Continued exercise and having a healthy diet. This is the cornerstone of every normal diet on the planet. It is not complicated. Now, I know, for me, I've got to do more work than just that. I have to unpack why I am eating to manage my emotions, and I have to institute cognitive behavioral activities to keep my weight off. (Refer to "The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like A Thin Person.") That's just me. I'm not saying you have to go this route, but I'm following it. Will it work? That remains to be seen. But it's the strategy I'm planning today.

The other thing I know is when I try to take things in my own hands, and don't ask for help and support, I get into big, big trouble. Right now, I have no clue how to transition off of a full fast Optifast program. I don't know how to read and understand "exchange" charts. I don't know how to use "MyFitnessPal" and honestly, I have no iPhone, I don't want one, I am a technological novice and truth be told, I kind of like it that way. I don't want a pedometer. I will not use it. Period. I harbor no delusions about my shortcomings where all of this is concerned, and this is just who I am. I am going to have to work harder to keep things under control, but I accept that. There are some things about me that will not change. And I need to ask the dietitians to help me find ways to work around all of this and still succeed with holding my goal weight. It can be done. It will be done. I just need help.

I thought today I would go to Nordstrom's with the gift card my husband gave me for Christmas. I need some make up, and maybe I can look in the lingerie section for a nice bra or nightie. I won't wear anything "racy," but something pretty could be nice. I am going to do something for myself that makes me feel good. I'm tired of feeling anxious, being constantly fearful of binges, obsessively worrying about money. I want all of that off of my shoulders, if only for one day. So out I am going. I've had a tough, tough time since December, but I refuse to dwell on that today. I am living in the present. As hard as that may be. I need some serenity, and I'm off to find it.

A Turn For The Worse

I had a horrible afternoon today. I went to the grocery store around 2:30 p.m. and as I was shopping, I was overcome by severe stomach pain, sweating and shaking. I didn't know what to do, so I went to the pharmacy section and got a bottle of Tums, opened it, and popped two. I quickly headed to the check-out line, paid for my Tums and my other items and raced home.

What happened was after I penned by last post, I went to the kitchen and had my first Optifast shake for the day. I went upstairs and took a nap. When I came downstairs, I started thinking about the oatmeal. And how much I liked it when I had it last night. What harm could it do to have some oatmeal for lunch, I thought. Why, I could even cut up a banana and put it in there. So I prepared some and ate it, instead of having my Optifast lunch shake. Big mistake.

I have since learned that 1.) If you hit your body with carbs while Optifasting and not off-set it with some protein, you are going to get sick. 2.) Bananas have a lot of natural sugar and carbs. I had no idea. Heck, I have no idea what percentage of carbs I should have in a regular diet. I'm completely flying blind. I'm impatient, and want to start transitioning. (More about that in a minute.) So here we are and it's a Saturday and I can't reach the clinic doctor, so I went to my Facebook Optifast Support page and got some guidance there.

I do want to stress that when it comes to medical issues surrounding Optifast, relying on chat rooms for your medical questions is not the way to go. There are not medical experts there. What you can find, however, are people that may have been through a similar experience to your own. One person suggested I have an Optifast product right away, so I had not one but two shakes. And I felt so much better. Then I took a bath and took another nap. I woke up and had my soup, shake and required pickle, and I will have my jello before bed. I'm stable, my stomach doesn't hurt and the hand shakes are gone. Crisis over.

Some may be wondering just what in the heck I am doing, eating these "bad" things for two days straight when I am so very close to goal. I've been at this for 9 1/2 months. Why derail it now? Well, the truth of the matter is I have been looking back at all of the money I have spent on this program. And my husband has been bringing it up lately. He wants me to stop, and I guess I am feeling incredible guilt and regret over the expense we keep incurring. I thought if I could just kick-start transition early, on my own, I could stop buying the products. I got impatient. And I over-looked the key fact that I don't have the clinic's transition materials yet and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.

When my husband saw how ill I was, he hugged me tight and told me to follow whatever path I wanted. Continuing with the program was fine, he said. He just wants me happy, less anxious, content with where I am today. Dear readers, I'm trying so hard. I am trying to relax and it's difficult. I'm struggling. I do know that I won't tinker with my program again. My restricted meals will be salad, veggies, 4 oz. protein only. No carbs. My body can't handle it right now. I'm so close, but it feels so far. There are bumps in my road now and navigating them is difficult. But I'll do it. Carefully, slowly. There is no rush. I keep trying to remind myself of that.

Is The "Slope" Calling Again?

Have you seen my skis?

Well, let's see. I'm in an, err, "interesting" place right now. I guess I could describe it as it's been very cold here lately, and my ski parka is looking mighty warm and inviting right now. (For those who haven't been following my blog, when I talk about "ski parkas" or "skis" I am referring to "suiting up" to get on the proverbial slope back to obesity.) Some things happened last night involving "real" food and I'm slightly concerned. When that is the case, I come here and write about it. It helps.

Here's what unfolded: I knew we were going out for my weekly special/restricted meal dinner. It was a busy day, so I only had two Optifast shakes and a pickle before we went out. I should have four products and the dinner. We got to the restaurant, and suddenly I changed my mind on what I would order. I substituted red pepper hummus and "pita chips" for my veggies. I know hummus is high in protein and good for you. BUT when the dish came, it was an extremely meager serving of hummus and a plate full of crispy, deep fried pita triangles. I was taken aback -- this was most definitely not what I had envisioned. I said to myself, "Okay. Have one or two chips, put a good spread of hummus on them, and call it a day." But no. Of course, that did not happen.

In a heartbeat, the hummus was gone, there just wasn't a lot there. So I had a big plate of greasy pita chips staring me in the face. I turned my attention to my spinach salad with the grilled chicken breast. I began eating that. Then I looked back at the chips. Okay, I'll have another. Back to salad. And then, as you can guess, it was off to the races and all the chips were soon down the gullet. Folks, they were over-done. They didn't even taste good -- heck, they were horrible. I knew it, and I kept on going. Predictably, the guilt hit. And things didn't stop there.

When I got home, I had one of the most powerful cravings for carbs I have ever had in my life. I frantically thought to myself, is there anything in this house with carbs that is lower in calories? I remembered that I have some quick-cook Quaker Oats -- old canister, but usable. I read the directions on the back, and it said prepare with milk. I have two types of milk in the fridge: whole milk for my husband's mashed potatoes and skim milk for my coffee. I wanted that whole milk -- but settled for 1/2 whole, 1/2 skim in the oatmeal. When I took it out of the microwave and tasted it, it was bland and horrible. I added some honey and a little bit of brown sugar. That made it better. Down the hatch. Time to stop? No.

Next I went to the fridge. I saw my jello I always make sure is in the there. On the shelf above was a small Tupperware container containing a small piece of chocolate cake leftover from Christmas. My husband wanted it. I silently grabbed it, pried off the lid ever-so-quietly so he wouldn't hear, and took two bites. Then I stopped. Melissa, what are you doing? I called out to my husband. "Get in here! Take this goddamn cake away!" I was so mad at myself. I made some vanilla chai tea and went to the Facebook Optifast Chat Support page. I didn't post about the incident, but was able to engage with some friends about other issues. Things calmed down, and I had my jello and went to bed.

So here we are now.

Okay. We can look at this incident in a few ways. Problem 1: I went to the restaurant hungry. I did not have enough product in me. Big no-no. Problem 2: I've restricted myself from carbs and sugar for such a long time that when I get one taste of them, it's off I go. Problem 3: I start hating myself when I eat carbs and sugar.

Success 1: I did not fall victim to a full-tilt collapse and binge. Success 2: I had my special dinner of salad and 4 oz. protein. Success 3: I am writing about this incident openly and not hiding from it. Success 4: I stayed away from the scale.

I'm extremely glad I am a cook and had that oatmeal staple on hand. What I am going to do is ask the clinic for a list of specific items I can stock up on now to have in my kitchen at all times. Produce must be bought fresh (I buy it every day and use it that day), but staples can be stored. I firmly believe these carb cravings are going to be present in quite a fierce way from now on, at least in my case. Remove those Optifast products and my product schedule, and it's "danger zone" for me.

So I am choosing to look at all this as a huge learning experience. One not anticipated, but helpful. Oh, this transition and maintenance is going to be a long road. Give me the strength to get through it. I am back to full fasting -- and its safety -- for a week, with no interruptions. I hope. I'm definitely, however, in a tight space. And this I don't like.  

Transition: Anticipatory Worry

I remember reading somewhere -- I'm not exactly sure where -- a brief reference to the stress one might encounter when they transition off the Optifast products back onto real food. It wasn't a detailed explanation, and perhaps that's why I am starting to feel a little anxious right now. One would think after months and months of a primarily liquid diet, I'd be skipping for joy that I'm very close to goal and a regular diet is just around the corner. But oh no, that is definitely not the case. I'm scared as hell.

Now clearly, the fear of gaining all my weight back in six months or less is making me quite uncomfortable. (Is that even possible? Probably not, but I worry nonetheless.) And I know that when I get into "future thinking" and leave the serenity that comes with living in the "now," I get into trouble. Up goes the anxiety and this concept of fear I refer to. This I need to watch, and really concentrate on how I am feeling physically and emotionally today. Today I am now 9 lbs. to goal (weighed in at 159 lbs. yesterday). Today I am at peace, actually like myself and my body, and I have numerous family members and friends loving me, supporting me, and praising me for what I have done. And today I know more about weight maintenance than I ever have before, thanks to the clinic, research I have done/am doing, and the things my Optifast friends are sharing with me. I'm not flying blind here. Knowledge is indeed power.  

What I am thinking about this morning is what may work best for me to start is to have a set plan of eating a few specific things on a daily basis. By this I mean every day I will have, for the most part, the same thing. I am only talking about doing this for a few weeks here, but knowing myself, I cannot just plunge into full-tilt creativity right off the bat. Performing different calorie calculations and following "exchange" charts every day is a little bit over-whelming for me. I like things straight-forward and simple. (Let me put a caveat to all this that I do not have the formal transition materials yet -- these are just thoughts I am having.)

I also like the "safety" of the Optifast products and schedule, and if I have a set daily menu initially, I can follow along this path. Some people might get very bored with something like this and ultimately throw in the towel, but I work the opposite way. Having, say, yogurt every day is not hard for me. Having a 1/2 tuna fish sandwich, an apple and some wheat thins for lunch every day is very doable. I have to take this very, very slow. I also need to keep in close contact with the clinic. Weigh-ins are free, and consultations with the dietitians are about $35 a visit. I think what may work best for me is to go every two weeks and talk to someone. Really more to get emotional support, a pep talk about sticking with my exercise routine, and to keep myself "accountable" to my maintenance program.

I have heard of some people signing up with Weight Watchers after completing the Optifast program, so that's an option for you too. Whatever route you decide to take, I think some sort of support, at least in my case, is important and necessary when you reach goal and complete the program. If I'm left to my own "devices" I can get into trouble. And like I mentioned in a previous post, a five pound gain can happen so quickly, then it's 10 pounds and 15 lbs. and then it's off to the races and you're right back into obesity. I am going to do everything in my power to try and avoid that.

I'm not harboring any illusions that maintenance is going to easy. As you know, I was thinking about it a long, long time ago, when I was full fast and still had a ways to go in my program. Heck, I think I was thinking about it before I started the program. I take those liquid diet "failure" statistics pretty seriously. This has been a long, long journey, a hard journey sometimes, and it's not over. It will never be truly over.

So today I am going to try extra-hard to stay in the "now" and enjoy what unfolds. I don't know everything the day has in store for me, but that's okay. I do know it's freezing outside and I'll be bundling up when I go out! Have a wonderful day everyone. Always remember: One Day At A Time.  

So You're Considering Optifast

Hello New Year's Day. I'm going to wager a guess that many people woke up today with one thing on their mind: I need to lose weight. It's that time of year when weight rears its ugly head, and we make up our minds that this will be the year that we do something about it. Nowhere is this a more popular resolution than in the United States, where obesity is a terrible epidemic.

My state, Ohio, has a huge problem with this. I know obesity quite well, and the host of things that go along with it. Bad health. Embarrassment. Shame. In my case, my obesity was the result of a thyroid disease and medication I must take, but that is only part of the picture. I ate. And I ate and ate and ate, and never exercised, never moved from my chair, actually, whether at work or at home. I'll be frank: I was lazy. There, I said it.

Perhaps you have reached the point I did in March 2012, when I couldn't take it anymore. I've called this my "rock bottom" when I finally declared, Enough is enough. I needed help. I couldn't do it on my own. I wanted a weight loss program, with a dietitian and doctor, something structured and simple, that would help me find my way out of the pit I had dug. I talked with family members, did some research, and I found a solution for me: the Optifast Weight Loss Program. In Columbus, Ohio, it is offered by the Central Ohio Nutritional Center, Inc. (CONCI), which has four clinics in our area. Not only do they sell the Optifast products, they offer weekly dietitian support and doctor evaluations, informational classes, and provide educational materials. Blood tests and weigh-ins are done. Progress photos are taken. No, it isn't cheap, but one thing's for sure: follow the program, health permitting, all the way through and it works.

I'll say off the bat that Optifast isn't for everyone. It can be very hard on your system, in some cases, and if you're like me, with a thyroid disorder and terrible metabolism, it takes the patience of Job to make it all the way through. It's highly restrictive and complete compliance takes a lot of strength. There can be side effects. But I can say without a doubt that I do not regret my decision to be enrolled in this program. It has changed my life.

Looking back on the 9 1/2 months I have been enrolled in the program, I guess the biggest piece of advice I can offer you is think over your decision to enroll in the Optifast program carefully. Most are probably like I was when I started: I wanted the weight off now, as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I jumped right in and signed up right away. Optifast had an incredible allure for me because the literature said the "typical" patient can expect to lose 50 lbs. in 18-24 weeks. Enticing "before" and "after" pictures clearly showed the product works. Which it does. But I learned pretty quickly the program certainly isn't easy. Alas, weight loss never is. The clinic scale -- oh that scale -- was sometimes my friend, but sometimes the enemy. I'd have times when I was so sick of the products I didn't think I could take another sip. And when I watched people dropping out of my clinic, it truly made me wonder if I was nuts.

I have also since learned that there are some pretty hefty odds stacked up against Optifast participants -- odds that we will gain all of our weight (and then some) back in five years or less. I don't bring this up to deter you from enrolling in the program; on the contrary, I do so because for-warned is for-armed. Losing your weight with the products is only half of the equation. The easier half. We have to keep the weight off. And that is where the true strength is needed. That's what CONCI offers -- the strategies for a successful weight maintenance program. This is where I need the most help. Because folks, I like to eat. And I'm thinking you do too.

Enrolling in the Optifast program is a big step, but one I'm glad I took. Things had gotten so out of whack for me that I didn't know how to eat healthy anymore. As I've said, I really, really like this program because "real" food is completely removed, and replaced by nutritious products consumed on a set schedule. It really is easy to follow -- and I needed that. Concurrently, I began to get educated on what I should be eating to be healthy and happy. The educational information is truly a life-saver. I say that with all seriousness. I have myself a "package deal" here. And it's worth every penny.

If you have an Optifast clinic near you, give them a call and attended the initial free consultation. Ask tough questions. How much success do people have keeping the weight off? What do you do to help me succeed? Do people leave the program? Can you tell me why? Don't be afraid -- this is a huge financial investment in yourself and you want to make sure you are making the right choices. If you decide you want to proceed, welcome to the Optifast journey! It has highs and lows, but I promise -- stick with it and it works.

I invite you to join an Optifast support group I found on Facebook. It is called Optifast Chat Support, and we have wonderful people from all over the world there, helping one another through their programs. I also encourage you to start journaling -- either writing or blogging. I've found it is so very helpful for me. I've had some truly crazy days, and it helps to just get things "out" sometimes. Think about it. You'll probably really like it!

So welcome 2013, and if you're going to start the Optifast program, here's to your success! One foot in front of the other, you can do it. I'm here to help by sharing my experiences along the way. It's been quite a journey, one that isn't over by a long shot. But I'm glad I'm on the road. I wouldn't have it any other way.