A Goodbye: But Not For Good!

Hello all after a long absence! I cannot believe I find myself in the middle of March 2014. I have been working on another blog, plus life, as you know, interferes along the way. Before typing this, I went back over some old posts here because I wanted to take stock of my weight loss/weight gain history since I reached my 160 lb. goal in January 2013. It's interesting to see how I was thinking/feeling throughout the course of my first year of maintenance. My, what a journey I've had!

I am currently weighing in at 185 lbs. -- a 25 lb. gain -- and according to my blog history, I started to creep up in weight towards the end of July 2013. I held at goal for six months, but the weight ascent started slowly during my Wild West Trip to California, and never really let up. Things began to rapidly escalate throughout the winter, which was brutally cold here in Ohio. By my estimation, I put on 10 lbs. alone during January/February 2014.

What caused the gain, you probably want to know. It can really be broken out into some simple things. Cold weather = more eating and drinking. No exercise. No calorie counting. Soon, I no longer watched portion sizes with my dinners. I kept right on track with my breakfast, lunch and snacks all the way through. The problem is dinner, and occasional "sweet treats" at night.

Now, I am a strong woman. I am also a frugal woman. And I am not going to undo the "investment" I made in myself by losing 80 lbs. So this of course means the 25 lbs. must come off. The brakes need to be hit now before things get worse. The feeding frenzy is over. Not controlling my portion sizes of high calorie dinners must come to an end. The time to act is now.

And act now I am.

I have decided to use the Optifast products to shed this 25 lb. gain. I have removed the food again to get back to the routine I know so well, and along the way seriously outline the steps I am going to take to protect my weight loss. One thing is crystal clear: Exercise must be a part of this second time around with Optifast. And it's also clear that's a major hurdle for me, for as you know I just don't like to exercise and I just don't want to exercise.

Because different issues and challenges arise when you decide to Optifast again, I have started a new blog: 'Round and Unround: Optifasting the Second Time Around. There is a link to my new blog under the "About Me" on the right side of this page. I did hesitate breaking out my overall weight loss journey into two separate places, but I'm finding there's a big difference between Optifasting the first time and Optifasting the second time. I needed to start fresh.

I have also noticed there are many folks walking this same path as I am. I'm definitely not alone. Regardless of how we got in this same boat, we're working to get the weight back off by following a regime that works for us. I've got friends and family cheering me on and that's wonderful.

I'm expecting a slow loss rate -- 2 lbs. a week -- but I'm comfortable with that. Carving off 25 lbs. is a little more palatable than needing to lose 80 lbs., as I did before. Frankly, I'm quite proud of myself for nipping this gain now before things got worse! I'm getting lots of support on the "Optifast Support" Facebook page. Great people there.

So this will be my last Optifast Gourmet post for awhile. But rest assured, I'm moving forward. This cookie don't crumble! Come follow me on my new blog and join us on Facebook. We'd love to have you! Always remember: One day at a time. Stay in the "Precious Present." And in my case, yes, the turtle can win the race.

Happy Optifasting!

The Biggest Loser Controversy: What Does Rachel's Story Teach Us?

Rachel Frederickson

As you know, I go to the grocery store every day because I like my ingredients fresh, I decide what I'm going to cook depending on how I feel that day, and basically I just like to see my "friends" who work there. Grocery shopping is just part of my daily routine. And I like it.

So there I am two days ago, in line to check out, and my eyes are drawn to the display of magazines and tabloid newspapers we all look at as we wait. And there on the cover of People magazine, with blazing words, "Biggest Loser Scandal: Too Thin Too Fast?" beside her, is a woman standing wearing a green "Biggest Loser" tank top and tight black biker's shorts. She is smiling widely.

This is Rachel Frederickson. She dropped 155 lbs. in seven months as a contestant on the wildly popular "The Biggest Loser" television show.

Given that I have close friends who struggle with anorexia nervosa, I looked at her face, arms, wrists, hips and legs closely. Looking for telltale signs like hollow cheeks, bony arms, hip bones jutting out. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Dear, dear Rachel...and there she is smiling...my heart just ached for her.

I debated with myself a little bit -- should I buy this rag or not? How much does it cost? Then I just threw it on the conveyor belt. I was bringing Rachel home with me. I needed to know more -- I had to know more -- about her, what happened, could I relate having lost a significant amount of weight myself, and most importantly: was anybody affiliated with the Biggest Loser show helping her?!

I got home and before unpacking the groceries, I had that magazine out and read the article standing up at the kitchen counter. Here's what I highlight from the article:

"Rachel passed all the required medical tests, ensuring she was healthy," says the show's executive producer Dave Broome. "The health and well-being of our contestants is our No. 1 priority." 

Hmm. How does Mr. Broome define "well-being"?

"Frederickson's lined face and visibly bony arms alarmed many viewers, experts and even some at the show--among them host Alison Sweeney, who tells People, "I understand and shared in the concern for Rachel at the finale. My hope is that she and all show contestants achieve life-long health."

Hope? All we can offer Rachel is "hope"?

"The show's producers honestly thought maybe she'd look okay (on television at the Finale) and no one would notice--but people gasped."

This statement upset me so much I cannot comment on it.

And here's what saddened me the most, what makes me want to cry.

"Asked point blank whether she has an eating disorder, she replies, 'I am very, very healthy.' "

Now, writing as someone who lost a significant amount of weight in a "shortish" amount of time, I am never, ever going to criticize someone who wants to find a weight loss program that delivers results sooner rather than later. Do not judge, lest ye be judged. But -- I think I've been upfront all along that when you lose a large amount of weight, it changes you. Physically and emotionally.

I thank God that I have been very cognizant of the potential eating disorders that might have overtaken me when I lost my 80 lbs. and reached goal. I had that brief bingeing period and got it under control. I also identified my obsession with the scale and finally, finally got to the place where I now weigh once a week. Emotions drive disordered eating. Often fear, coupled with the need to "control." I broke free of this. And I'm so much happier.

I so hope my fellow Optifasters don't lose sight of the possibility that you may reach goal, but then start wanting to push the envelope and go down further. Things can snowball either way. You start gaining or you keep losing. Both can be very unhealthy. You know I see a psychologist and that keeps me centered. I guess it's my hope that this stupid The Biggest Loser television show gets Rachel some counseling ASAP.

Importantly, I don't look at Rachel as a "freak." Not at all. I want to give her a big, long hug and say, "Yes, you've changed. And now the real work towards a healthy life begins." I don't watch The Biggest Loser and have no intention of changing that practice. As far as I'm concerned, they have no clue how much damage to women they do.



 

Still Alive And Kicking!

Hello dear readers and a short post to let you know I am indeed alive and well! Still working to shed about 10 lbs., and struggling with that...but I'm sure I'm not alone! It's been a rough winter, weather-wise, and I have had family obligations. But things are settling down and I'll be back to my posts soon. Miss you all and hope you are progressing on your own journeys. Remember: We're all in this together. And nothing can stop us!

Much love,

Melissa

Back To The Basics

Greetings from Ohio!

Good morning dear readers! It's terribly cold, but the sun is out, which makes things a little more bearable. I didn't go to work today so husband took the car -- thus leaving me car-less and I don't like that at all! I will have to bundle up and walk to the grocery store to procure the ingredients for tonight's dinner. It's only three blocks away, but what a chilly walk it will be.

Talked with him last night about going back to the soups and some vegetarian meals and he was okay with that. So tonight I am going to make a kale soup with carrots, onions, celery, navy beans and a small amount of turkey sausage. I'm going to use the crock pot over the weekend to make some sort of veggie/bean stew. I'd love to throw a ham hock in there, but I'm holding off.

I have been thinking this morning about this idea of constant "re-commitment" to a healthy diet. And by this I mean eating well for a stretch; straying off course; feeling guilty; and then shaking myself and getting back on the horse and eating properly again. It's not that I'm not proud of myself for getting the brakes on when it's needed, rather I feel like a scratched CD -- plays well for a stretch then skips. And it's really annoying.

I can't tell you how hard it is fighting off the desire to cook up a storm of hearty dishes right now. Who of us doesn't love the wonderful aroma filling the kitchen, from a fabulous winter dish slowly roasting in the oven? But if I keep preparing and gobbling those up, I'm undoing all my hard work to get my weight off and keep it off. So I must be strong, re-commit, and remember how unhappy, uncomfortable and embarrassed I was when I was obese.

It's very, very important to me to relay a positive message to everyone about staying the course, through good times and bad, always keeping your eyes on the "prize" of being at a healthy weight. But darn it, this is hard for me. And I'm guessing most are struggling right along with me. I remember "chirping" way back in this blog about how Optifasting is the easy part -- it's maintenance where the true trials and tribulations are. And it's so, so true.

I also just bristle when I think about those "statistics" purportedly showing that the vast majority of people who have lost weight through a liquid diet gain all the weight back -- and more. Frankly folks, that scares and upsets me. Who needs to hear such a negative message when you are trying your best to maintain your loss? I sure don't. Grrrr.

Well, off I go to bundle up and face the elements. I know I'll have a hot cup of tea waiting for me when I get home. And hey -- I'm getting some exercise, right? That's not a bad thing. Stay warm everyone!

It's Freezing...And I'm Frustrated!

Mr. Cold Miser Is Here!

Well, I'm a little frustrated today. Maybe more than a little. First, my husband's car died weeks ago and this has caused quite a disruption to my daily routine. It's absolutely freezing (literally) in Ohio right now, and I have to drop him off and pick him up after work. It's not that I mind it, but I haven't been able to get to the clinic; my cooking is slipping to "tried and true" calorie-laden dinners; and all exercise has stopped. It's cold, I'm tired and I just want to be bundled up in comfy blankets, beside the fire, with my Bassets.

There are lots of things I need to attend to and I'm a little overwhelmed. I guess I will start with my dinners. As you know, breakfast, lunch, snacks is no problem for me. It's the dinner and the portion size that I struggle with. Now, I had a long stretch there where I was cooking up lo-cal, high fiber soups. But my husband soon asked for a little more variety, and I wanted it too. So as the temperature has dropped, I have fallen into cooking hearty stews, roasts, different chili and lasagna. Whoops. And I love these dishes, thank you very much, yet I now feel guilt when I eat them.

Not one to give up, however, I woke up today and committed to myself that I am going to rope things in and get us back on track. I know what the hearty dishes taste like -- I've been making them for years. I have to continue my search for new things that will keep our tummies warm, challenge me to create, and not be laden with calories and fat. I feel like I keep "re-committing" over and over again. Is this what people on diets always do? Darn, it's frustrating.

As for my clinic visits, I have not been in a long time, and our car troubles are really throwing a wrench in the whole thing. I go to the clinic south of my house on Wednesdays at 4:30 p.m. and class is at 5:00. But my husband needs to be picked up at 5:30 p.m. downtown -- different part of the city. And then there is of course my concern that I am above goal and I might go to the clinic and leave feeling like a failure. And I don't want to go through that. Would anyone? But in my heart I know going to the clinic keeps me accountable. Oh sigh and sigh some more.

I'm not even going to make any excuses for not exercising. There are none.

So, I don't want to sound like a "negative Nellie" but I guess I feel this way right now. I don't think I've been through a more challenging time? Well, scratch that. I've been through quite a few challenging times in the past year. I just didn't realize what a strong impact cold winter weather can have on my eating choices. Are you dealing with cold weather too? I don't like it! Pass the cinnamon tea. It's time to get my appetite under control!

The Holiday Weight Coming Off!

Hip, Hip Hooray!

Excellent news to report. I weighed myself yesterday and I have dropped SEVEN lbs. from the week before. Which tells me some of that holiday weight gain was water weight. As soon as I got back on track and tightened everything back up, the loss started. Hooray!

Now, I do NOT anticipate losing an additional 7 lbs. in this next week. Ain't gonna happen. But here's where I stand today:

Current Weight: 178 lbs.
Target Weight: 170 lbs.
Original Optifast goal weight I achieved: 160 lbs.

I've thought about things long and hard and I just don't think it's going to be possible for me to get back to 160 lbs. Frankly -- to be honest -- I don't want to go to 160 lbs. because that would require just too much food restriction for me (or Optifasting again) and I don't want to do that. I like my daily eating routine I have set up, which allows for some extra calories at dinner. The binges are gone, I can cook and eat interesting dinners, my anxiety is in check.

Also, given the current dosage of medication I am on, I think it's impossible to get back to my original Optifast goal weight. And you know what? That's okay with me today. I've still kept a significant amount of weight off (60 lbs.!) and I'm very happy about that.

I also like my weekly weigh in on my home scale Friday mornings. I feel so much better checking my weight only once a week. Why didn't I start this sooner? I guess we just chalk it up to a lesson learned. Believe me, if the daily fluctuations in your weight are driving you nuts (like they did for me), ease back to once-a-week weighing. It is so much better.

Not much else to report this evening. Relaxing with my husband over the weekend. The weather should be warm enough tomorrow for my walking. All in all, I feel optimistic and good. Fingers crossed I stay this way!





 

At Issue: My Dinners

My inspiration: Julia Child

Mornin' all! I have not stepped on the scale yet (I'm now doing weekly weigh-ins at home on Fridays), but I sense some of this holiday weight may be starting to come off. My clothes feel just a tad bit looser. I also kicked into high gear with my fiber-based diet and that has cut grazing in its tracks.

The way I see it now, I have absolutely no problem keeping my breakfast, lunch and snacks low calorie. You know I eat similar things every day and I like it. At issue is the dinners -- which to shed weight through calorie reduction, I must keep at around 300-400 calories. This is proving very difficult for me. On some days I am taking in 500-600 calories (estimate) for dinner. If this continues, the 15 lb. weight loss effort will be painfully slow for me. I need to be at around 1,200 calories/day to lose weight.

Now, you all know how much I love to cook. It is very, very important to me. I have a ritual where I go to the grocery every day; select my ingredients; spend time on prep; the dish cooks for awhile; then we enjoy the finished product. This is an entire process that gives me great pleasure and satisfies the creative streak in me. I tried just cooking for my husband while I ate 4 oz. of chicken or fish and a small salad, but folks I reached a point where I could not sustain that anymore.

When I join my husband in eating my creations I am happy as a clam.

I have turned to Eating Well magazine and other publications to get recipes and ideas for things I can prepare that are interesting and sometimes complex (I love a challenge). And I've been testing those out and some are very, very good. I must be careful to measure out my serving size, and I admit this has been a struggle. The dish looks and smells so good that I want to have a hearty portion. Sometimes I've been good, but other times I've given in to my cravings.

Then we have our once a week dinner out (we're committed now to just going out once a week), and as always I view that as a "reward" for watching my calories. Granted, we don't go to fast food restaurants or restaurant "chains." But the places we go to do have highly caloric dishes. And those I want the most!

However, I am not going to just give up and go back to cooking high-calorie dinners and eating with abandon. Been there, done that. I will keep searching for new ideas, do a little experimenting myself, and really target my portion size. I think that will be key for me.

And When Melissa Stops Posting...It's Not A Good Thing!

Back up on the horse we go...

Well hello all, after a long hiatus! This has been a very busy time for me, family gatherings and whatnot. Then we switched our cable company and that ushered in numerous problems and no Internet for a stretch. But I'm back in action for 2014. Happy New Year!

As is most likely the case for many, my eating, starting Christmas week and running through to yesterday, has not been good. It's been terrible. I threw caution to the wind and on some days ate like there was no tomorrow. This time stretch has included Christmas and New Year's Eve, and I love preparing the meals for these occasions. Keep in mind I was Optifasting last year at this time, and subsequently I had a very strong urge this year to let loose and gobble up everything my heart desired. And I gave in to the urge on many days; on others I kept things under control.

Importantly, I stopped weighing in mid-December to cut some stress I was starting to feel about possible weight gain. Now, yes, I am well aware that weighing regularly keeps one accountable, and is very important for weight maintenance. But I wanted to be "free" from the scale, unshackled, if you will. I didn't want to be responsible, be accountable for my eating decisions.

And folks, I've paid the price.

I gained 9 lbs. from this feeding frenzy. Without exercise, how in the heck am I going to get this off? I won't, I can't. But I keep resisting the exercise -- surely there must be others in the same boat? I sound like a broken record when I talk about exercise. I've been bemoaning my lack of it every since a started this blog almost 2 years ago. I need to stop making excuses and just get moving. Now.

So I walked with my husband today. Not far because it is very cold, but I walked nonetheless. I also ate as "clean" as I could. I definitely feel very sensitive about my weight gain, I worry about how I am going to effectively get the brakes on the overeating, and I'm mad at myself for letting things spin out of control for a stretch. But I'll fall back into my "stay in today" mode and give myself a big pat on the back for stopping the frenzy today.

So back up on the maintenance horse I go. If you indulged over the holidays and got shocked by your scale, come on up with me. There's room here for both of us. Maintenance. Grrrrrrr!

Minefield: The Office Kitchen!

I wonder: What's in those cabinets?

So in this weight battle I am waging, I often have to tip toe around land mines -- a sometimes tedious task but one that must be done. When I was Optifasting, it was a fairly easy for me because I was very, very committed to to full compliance, and deeply aware of the money I was spending on product. But now, I am in the real food maintenance world. Which means I must always be on guard for "explosives."

Something very eye-opening happened to me yesterday. I accompanied the Office Manager to Sam's Club, that bulk-buying shopper's "paradise" owned by Walmart. Now, my husband and I cannot have children, so it's just us and we live in place without a lot of storage space. Subsequently,  I don't buy in bulk and hence don't go to Sam's Club. This was a rare visit for me.

Our mission was to buy assorted things for the office. And this included things that are stocked in the office kitchen. And by that I mean candy, cookies, snack cakes, crackers and chips. For an office of 5 people. And wouldn't you know, Sam's Club has all of these things in row upon row, right near the check out counters, so they are easy to spot and reach. How convenient!

What is very compelling to me is, as we maneuvered our cart down these aisles, I started to get very uncomfortable. Huge bags and boxes of very, very caloric, fattening things. I don't buy these things for our home. And I rarely walk down the aisles in my grocery store where they are kept. Suddenly here I was, literally surrounded by this junk. I didn't care if "the price was right." Folks, I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I watched like a hawk everything that went into our cart. The choices made and the sheer volume of it all. And I thought to myself, "Sure, we're saving money, but isn't there a connection between having more and eating more?!" And I thought about the newest employee we have, who told me he gained 10 lbs. in the first month he started working with us. In good part from all the things he was eating at the office. With this kind of selection to choose from, I'm actually surprised he hasn't gained more.

I really do love our Office Manager -- she's a good friend of mine -- and we've been walking together and I give her handouts and articles outlining healthy foods to choose. And when we were at Sam's Club, she asked me what I wanted. I really did sense she wanted me to have something I liked, and actually, I didn't want to disappoint her. Fiber One bars came to mind (even though I have trouble just stopping at one), and we did locate a (big) box of the kind I like. So into the cart went those. At least I'll have something quasi-safe in the kitchen if I start getting cravings.

I do think if I didn't lose all my weight, and I didn't have all my classes outlining healthy foods to select and foods to avoid, and I didn't know about options like having a Fiber One bar for a snack/meal to control calorie intake, I would be darting in and out of the office kitchen all day. So I'm grateful to have this experience and information. Yes, the office has a minefield. But I know where it is -- and that makes all the difference!  

Am I A Failure?

As you know, I stay close to the clinic -- even though I have gained some weight back. I keep attending the free class sessions so I can stay in close touch with program participants and the staff. It motivates them and heck, it motivates me.

Now, it's true that I feel a twinge uncomfortable during these meetings because I could not hold my goal weight and I'm up 15 lbs. I do not want to deter anyone from reaching their goal or give the impression that they are destined for weight gain too. I know how focused I was about hitting goal and holding it forever. And that did not come to pass for me. So there are inevitable feelings of "failure" that I carry with me.

I think that many, many people contend with this sense of being a failure if they gain their weight back after Optifasting. Some of us were on product for a very long period of time and the result was massive physical change, improved health, and dramatically improved self esteem. All positives. There is a great sense of accomplishment and in my case, it was one of the greatest things I have achieved in my life. And of course this feels great.

But -- and this is a big but -- as my weight has crept up, regardless of the valid reasons why, this sense of being a failure has grown. There are times when I am afraid of going to the clinic, and I have talked to folks who felt the same way. For me, I feel like I have let someone down. Millie and Kathy? My frugal husband? Myself? I am fighting a small skirmish here to hold back these failure feelings so they don't keep me away from the clinic. I need to be there, I want to be there.

I know in my heart of hearts if I stop going to the clinic, my weight gain could start really spiraling upward. When I am around my "comrades in arms" and see them working so hard to bring their weight under control, it keeps me focused and committed. Importantly, it reaffirms that I am not alone in all of this. Also, Millie and Kathy provide a wealth of current information that I would not see if I were not there. I'm like a sponge when it comes to this stuff. I can never learn enough about weight management. Yes, the clinic is a resource I must use.

I think it may come down to me biting back these "failure feelings" right now and just keep driving down to the clinic on Wednesday afternoons, attending class, until I feel comfortable and relaxed. There is a Latin phrase, "Repetitio est mater studiorum." Repetition is the mother of learning. Keep going to the classes and seeing my friends. Feel better about myself. Repeat.

If you are gaining your weight back after reaching goal, I strongly encourage you to attend these free sessions if it's an option for you. Let's check those failure feelings at the door. That's what I'm going to try to do. I may find that true freedom and happiness lies within.

  

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

Oh, has this been a wild week. I was wisely counseled not to Optifast again; ignored that advice and started in on a full fast; made it 2 1/2 days then descended into a feeding frenzy; then straightened myself out and I'm back on track with my previous eating routine. I'm tired, I've got this horrible cough, and I just want this rollercoaster to stop.

Time for a deep breath.

Let's take stock of where I am now: 15 lbs. over goal. Engaging in restrictive, same-menu eating for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Easing up at dinnertime, incorporating variety, different menus, but struggling with portion size and eating too quickly. Extreme anxiety with the scale, leading to increase in anxiety medication, which leads to binging and a night-time eating disorder. Yup. That about sums it up.

I am finding it very, very difficult to make any change to this house of cards I am building. Basically folks, I'm frozen in a lot of fear of gaining all the weight back -- and more. This a psychological battle I'm waging right now. I'm going to now begin researching psychological methods to dismantle the fear, and go deeper into this with my talk therapist. It's at this juncture I'll tell you that you need to prepare yourself for the deep psychological changes that occur when you shed a significant amount of weight. In my opinion, this is serious stuff.

I'm also trying to reconcile the great guilt I have for gaining this 15 lbs. back after spending all that money on my program. I've become quite frugal and it pains me to think I may have wasted money. But I can say without a doubt that I am in better physical shape now than I was when I started the program. I just got the results back of a full blood work panel my thyroid doctor ordered and everything is excellent. My cholesterol is down to 190. 190! I know this is from my fiber diet. Physically, I feel great.

No, my battlefield is an emotional one.

Some dismiss emotions, preferring to live in a strictly rational world. I ain't one of those people. I wear everything on my sleeve, I'm probably too open and honest, and I'm deeply compassionate. I was born this way and raised this way. But when you are driven primarily by emotions, you can get into very uncomfortable, painful situations. Like where I am now.

My head is fuzzy today from the cold, so I cannot fully articulate my thoughts right now. But the gist of what I'm thinking is I am not going to run away from my emotions, from this fear of weight gain and guilt about money that I have -- rather I am going to look them in the face and manage them. Heck, dismantle them if I can. Yes, I cannot do this without the assistance of a talk therapist and the support from people who have experience with the Optifast program. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. But that's okay. Helping hands are out there. And I'm grasping them.

I have to go back to work today and I'm not too thrilled about that. But the structure is good for me. Perhaps this holds true for the eating structure I have, even though it is far too restrictive and needs tinkering. It all comes back to patience and time. And playing the hand I've been dealt. I can always just walk away from the card table --but no, today I still want to play. Onward, friends. The game of "Life" continues.

Untangling The Scale Anxiety

Finding freedom

I am very proud of myself. I have gone two days without weighing. This is a huge accomplishment for me, because as you know by now, that damn scale is now one of the biggest triggers for anxiety for me. How long I have wished I could be like others and have no problem with daily weigh-ins; how much I feel like a freak that a number upsets me so much. I have tried and tried to bust through my fears and tension -- trying to be "strong" like "normal" people and just get on the scale every morning. But it just won't work for me. And I'm tired of it all.

What's so interesting is on these days I don't weigh, I really start to feel relaxed and feel better about myself. A number no longer dictates how my day will unfold. I feel peace descend upon me. It's a wonderful feeling. But of course, it is dampened by a nagging fear that my eating will go out the window. That I'll lose "control." I can't trust myself, I reason, because look what happened to me when I wasn't weighing every day: I ballooned up to 239 lbs. And surely, if I don't weigh daily, won't that happen again?

My anxiety tied to the scale is a monster, I have found. Weigh daily, and I get anxious. Don't weigh daily, and I still end up anxious. Take my anti-anxiety medication to combat this, and I end up binging or contending with some other form of disordered eating. Which impacts the scale. It's actually quite a grim picture. And my task here is to try and untangle myself from this tar pit. Oh Lord, give me strength.

My gut is telling me that a scale is not a good thing for me. It was roughly a year ago, December 2012, when I was getting close to goal, that I brought my first scale into the house. I had rushed out and bought it because my in-laws were in town and all these dinners were planned, and I had been full fasting successfully for months, but found myself seriously tested. Begrudgingly, I began to partake in some of these meals because I felt like a freak. And they didn't really understand what Optifasting was all about.

I can see so clearly now that weighing once a week at the clinic -- and seeing my weight go down -- posed no anxiety for me. But once I bought that damn scale and switched to weighing every day, and saw the weight fluctuations glaring up at me, my anxiety shot through the roof. It only got worse during maintenance, when my weight stopped dropping, stabilized, but slowly started increasing. Fast-forward to today where I'm lugging around 15 lbs. of extra weight. It's no wonder I'm a wreck.

So, where do I go from here?

I remember my thyroid doctor told me that when it comes to weight, throw out your scale, buy a belt, and when it gets too tight, go on a diet. I chuckle at that, but perhaps for me this may seriously be a good option. Oh, I'm going to get this 15 lb. regain off. There is no question about that. I invested too much money and time Optifasting to get my 80 lbs. off. But who's to say this cannot be done without the "benefit" of the scale? I'm positive others have done this before. People like me who have such a problem with that dreaded contraption.

You know, it takes a lot of strength to say "no" to something you are obsessed with, but know harms you. I'm going to have to dig deep inside on this one...muster up some true strength and focus. Fortunately I have my husband and family and talk therapist and everyone at the clinic and my Facebook friends. I don't have to do this alone. I want to, I need to be free from the scale. Just as I needed to be at a healthy weight, free from obesity. And I'm going to make it happen. Rest assured.    

I have been free from the scale for two days. I may not make it another day. But this is a start. And I'm happy.

  

An Eye-Opening Discussion

It's not my fault!

Greetings readers. I have had very little sleep again, this time the result of a chest cold that has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I can't stop coughing and my husband had to ask me to leave the bedroom because he couldn't sleep...so here I am again, in the early morning hours, blogging away. This is now two nights in a row that I have had very little sleep, and that's not good for me. So I am taking the day off from work to try and rest.

I had a meeting yesterday with Millie and Kathy at the clinic and it was a very eye-opening discussion. They have reviewed my chart and Millie has done some research and she has ascertained there is a link between my particular anti-anxiety med and binging behavior. You may recall that my anti-anxiety medicine was greatly increased this summer, and lo and behold the strange binging cropped up (I have never done this before), and really letting loose on two dinners out a week. So we can see that yes, I have gained 15 lbs. But folks, it is not my fault. This was inevitable.

Now, at this juncture, in comes the frustration -- heck, the anger -- that I have to take this medication in the first place. Having to swallow pills even though you know they make you gain weight is very, very upsetting -- and those in this situation will know exactly what I mean. I can explore the option of switching to another brand of anti-anxiety medicine and I see my doctor tomorrow and we can discuss it. But now I feel like a guinea pig and that makes me mad.

And then there is this issue of the 15 lb. weight gain, and my very strong desire to get that off and maybe 5-10 lbs. more. Yes, I can continue to follow my fiber-based diet and really target getting my calories down to 1,200/day. This type of diet really works for me, because I am a grazer and I absolutely adore carbs. The fiber diet keeps my stomach fuller, longer, and keeps that grazing at bay. I focus on things like bran, bulgur, legumes, certain vegetables and fruits, Fiber One cereal, etc. I really do like it.

But then there is the lure of Optifast, the removal of food so I can concentrate on other things. And I had very low anxiety until the last two months of my fasting, when my in-laws came to town, it was the Christmas holiday season, and my anxiety was further stoked by transition and the unknowns associated with that looming in the near future. I shudder to think of that time. It was horrible.

So I would say I learned quite a bit yesterday. I was so deeply touched when Kathy told me I was one of few people who have tackled the totality of everything required to lose weight on Optifast and maintain. It was wonderful to hear that, because I have worked so very hard to get at this maintenance from all three areas: calorie control, exercise, and strengthening emotional coping skills. It's been quite a lot of work and I've invested a lot into this physically, emotionally and spiritually. This has been a tough journey.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'll end here. I'm going to tip toe back upstairs and see if I can sleep quietly. I've had some cough drops and some cough suppressant. That should help things. Stay tuned for further developments...the battle continues!

 

A Change Of Course?

A time of reckoning

Well, I've been up and down all night, barely getting any sleep, because I am worried that after the Florida vacation trip, I am 15 lbs. over goal. I do not like this. I am very uncomfortable. And with Christmas and New Year's Day looming in the distance, I just see my weight going up, up, up. I fought so hard to get my 80 lbs. off and reach my 160 lb. goal. I was on product for 9 1/2 months. I won't let this blow up in my face. I just can't let it.

Fortunately, I have a meeting with Millie at the clinic today, so we can discuss strategies. At this juncture, I am really wanting to resume Optifasting again. I got up into my cabinets and I have extra product, my shaker, extracts, and even my Indian spices for the soups. I'm good to go. I can have my weigh-ins and measurements done at the clinic; interact with the other patients; see the staff; and nip this gain right in the bud and bring my weight down.

Actually, you may recall that I have toyed from time to time with the possibility of going another 10 lbs. down from my goal -- to 150 lbs. -- so I have some "wiggle room" when a little weight comes back. I'm giving this option serious thought. Total time to achieve this is most likely 3 months, given my slow loss rate. But I have shown once I commit to something, I throw myself into it. No cheats. No deviations. Following the clinic's instructions to the letter. I can do this.

Most importantly, my heart, my "gut" tells me Optifast is the way to go at this juncture. I'm not comfortable with my body, the way my clothes fit, my strange eating patterns, the random binges, just all these things that evolved when I moved into maintenance. I want a second shot at transition. And on a very good note, Millie is getting closer to the possibility of offering in 2014 a 12-week seminar on fiber diets and maintenance. I love fiber. It helps me maintain. Wouldn't it be great if I could transition off of product into Millie's program? I'd love that!

So my Optifast products are lined up on the counter. And I am going to have a shake this morning. Here we go again. Thank God for my blog!

Thanksgiving: Learning To Trust Myself

Happy Thanksgiving from Florida!

Greetings all from Florida! Hubby and I winged our way down here two days ago and I'm enjoying this weather in the 70s (versus the 20 degree weather in Ohio!). Read over my last post and I must say I was very, very disgruntled and that has passed. I go through those moments when I get frustrated with my "slight" weight gain, and I guess there's a bigger, more general frustration with my repetitive eating routine -- which I feel I should continue if I want to keep my 10-12 lb. gain capped. Folks, this whole maintenance thing is just so hard for me sometimes. And every so often, it's time for a good vent.

So...on to today.

I awoke early this morning, Thanksgiving, and watched the sun rise over the palm trees. It was beautiful, and I started contemplating how the day would proceed for me. I had planned a day of very strict eating, followed by an extremely lean Thanksgiving dinner consisting of fish and vegetables -- no carbs and no desserts. And as I was sitting there in the early morning hour, I thought to myself, "This is nuts! You need to enjoy yourself, just in a controlled way." I remembered too, that one year ago I was here, Optifasting, and I had the fish and vegetable dinner. Must I really repeat that -- is that all I'm limited to? No, I think we can evolve from this just a bit.

Now, some might think there is a danger in "loosening the reins." And I think there's validity to that in some cases. But perhaps in my case some easing up today might not be a bad thing? Perhaps having a day of freedom  from my repetitive eating schedule is allowed -- and maybe deserved? Sure, I'm scared and nervous and worried about the scale. You know I'm always worried about the scale. Of course I know that most pack on about 10 lbs. from the period between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. But I have decided I'm going to try something new: trusting myself.

What's absolutely fascinating to me is since I arrived here, a desire to mindlessly graze has been escalating to an almost painful point. But once I made my decision this morning to give myself some leeway on my eating today, the thoughts of grazing evaporated! Gone. I had my oatmeal early, then a brunch around 11:00 a.m. and dinner is at 6:30 p.m. I'm not hungry at all this afternoon -- quite content to watch football and go to Facebook and perhaps walk with my husband  (we had planned a beach walk but we've been lounging around and haven't gone yet). I'm relaxed. And quite happy about that.

It appears that as I enter this year's holiday season, I'm going to need to strive for some sort of "balance" in my eating. Some controlled menus (I use the words "controlled" or "restrictive" for lack of better words -- working on finding some more positive term!) offset by some leeway on things where I trust myself to eat more caloric things wisely. Using avoidance strategies with treats i.e. "I can't eat this" or "I won't eat that" doesn't really work for me. I just end up in an out-of-control feeding frenzy. I can make good decisions. I've completed 9 months of maintenance and I'm doing okay.

Again, it's baby steps with all of this. We'll see how tonight goes. I've seen the menu and I think I'm going to have pumpkin soup, a salad and lamb. And dessert? Who knows. I know I'll make the right choice. I feel good. Empowered. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!

Inevitable Weight Gain? Diffusing Some Anger

Yesterday was interesting. Importantly, the temperature dropped into the 30s, and just like clockwork every year, my appetite went out the window. Just as I had expected, I ate a little less of my meals. I just wasn't hungry and felt satisfied with less. This is how the winter weight loss starts. And obviously, in a semi-twisted way, I'm thrilled about it. I would love getting into the mid-160s again, having hung out, on average, at 171 lbs. for months. The clothes will fit more loosely. My mood improves when that dreaded scale contraption shows a number I like. My legs cross even better. But...what (emotional) price did I pay to get to this point?

So as I was sitting in front of a roaring fire last night, I started to simmer a bit. Then it grew to frustration. And ultimately into anger. At this point, I am absolutely convinced that weight gain is inevitable when you conclude the Optifast program. I'm not talking about the 3-5 lbs. that automatically come back when you cease the products. I'm talking about the 10, 20, 30 lbs. that come back. Now yes, of course, sometimes this is a direct result from inattention to emotional eating behaviors. Using food to comfort is an extremely hard habit to break, just like smoking or giving up alcohol. But some physical things are going on too. I don't have the proper scientific background to nail this all down, but something is up. And there's something I want to know.

Why didn't my clinic prepare me for this inevitability?

I paid a very significant amount of money to lose my 80 lbs. And I went on to pay more money for counseling sessions. I exercise as best I can every day. I take in, for the most part, 1,400 calories a day. Any less than that and I feel physically sick and start binging. I do therapy once a week. I have read countless books on addressing emotional eating and have made behavioral changes. I journal (i.e. blog) regularly. I interact with my Facebook Optifast friends every single day.

And guess what folks. I gained weight. Despite all of this. Yes, I've got it capped at 10-15 lbs. And yes, with the seasonal change, I will lose some of this. But I have been through sheer hell to maintain this "status quo." Now, perhaps there are some people out there that are breezing through maintenance. Hats off to them. I, however, am not one of them. I also contend with the knowledge that I saw with my own eyes my scale register 155 lbs. one morning -- and today it reads 172 lbs. This is not something where I just say, "Oh well! What will be will be!" Oh no, this is when the negative self-talk starts. This is when I try on those few clothes I bought at my lowest weight and find they don't fit properly. And I only bought them a year ago. Into a storage bin they go. Wasted money. Nothing gets me angrier.

But I know I cannot stay angry forever. That needs to be let go. I do not regret enrolling in the Optifast program. I think if you are obese -- not overweight, but obese -- it is a good way to go. But there needs to be hardcore psychological counseling included in your program (I have repeatedly suggested to my clinic that they bring a psychologist on staff) and more scientific explanation about what really happens to your body when you stop the products. Candid dialogue about the weight gain odds. I think we are up against some scientific factors we cannot overcome, no matter what we do, short of starving ourselves. And I want it explained that yes, you should expect an x gain. This open dialogue would have saved me a heck of a lot of grief.

No, I'm not giving up my fight to stay as close to goal as I can and still feel content and happy. But as for seeing 155 lbs. again, you can forget it. Life's too short, I have to have some pleasure in life. And with that, I'm off to buy some more firewood. Don't want the fire to go out...yet. Have a great day all.


    

Staying In Control Over The Weekend

The following is from The Beck Diet Solution website:

"This week I had a session with my client, Rachel.  Historically, Rachel was a dieter who was able to eat healthfully during the week but would tend to “lose it” during the weekends.  Over the last few weeks, Rachel and I have been working hard to come up with strategies, techniques, and responses to her weekend sabotaging thoughts so that she would be able to maintain her control throughout the weekend.  When Rachel came to see me this week, she told me that things have finally turned around for her and that she’s noticed a significant change in her ability to stay on track during the weekend. How did Rachel do this?

Rachel ate the same way she did during week days.  Rachel says one of the most important shifts she has made is finally accepting that, if she wants to lose weight and keep it off, her weekend eating just can’t be all that different from her weekday eating. Rachel started reminding herself that her body doesn’t know or care that it’s the weekend and that it will process all calories the same no matter what day of the week it is.

Rachel stuck to a weekend eating schedule. One strategy that really helped Rachel gain control over her eating during the week was following a set schedule of eating. This enabled her to cut out the all-day grazing she used to do because she had defined times for when she would eat and when she wouldn’t. Initially, Rachel resisted following this schedule during the weekend, saying that she wanted her weekends to have more spontaneity.  Rachel found, however, that not having an eating schedule on the weekend led her back to constantly grazing in the kitchen and continually asking herself, “Should I have eat now?” This meant that she struggled with whether or not to eat so much more often than she did during the week – and it also meant that she took in many more calories.  Rachel realized that it was worth giving up her eating spontaneity (but not necessarily her activity spontaneity) if it meant she regained her sense of peace!

Rachel began exercising at least once during the weekend. Rachel was always good at getting herself to exercise during the week, but she used to think that weekends were an excuse to not move a muscle. Rachel knew that, on the days she exercised during the week, it made her feel better, more energized, and more easily able to stick to healthy eating.  Rachel realized that not exercising on the weekend played into her “unhealthy weekend” mindset, and that getting herself to do at least 30 minutes of walking outside, either Saturday or Sunday, made her feel just as good as it did during the week.  Rachel changed her thought from, “Exercising on the weekend will make my weekend worse,” to, “Exercising on the weekend will make me feel great, just as it does during the week. It makes my weekend better, not worse.”

Rachel got out of the kitchen when it wasn’t a time to eat.  During the week, Rachel works in an office and can’t spend the whole day hanging out in her work kitchen.  During the weekend, however, Rachel was in the habit of spending a lot of time in her kitchen because it’s one of her favorite rooms in her house. Rachel realized that this was really working against her because the more time she spent in her kitchen, the harder it was for her not to think about food and eating.  Rachel instead set up a nice area for herself in her living room, with a new chair she really liked, and decided that, at least for the time being, the kitchen would only be for eating, not for hanging out. This made a huge difference for Rachel because once she wasn’t constantly looking at food, it made it easier to focus on other things."

Vacation Preparation

Well I'm leavin'...on an airplane!

Thanksgiving 2013 is approaching, and that means my husband and I are gearing up for our annual trip to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. I'm very excited, but also a little cautious, because I know vacations for me inevitably signal some weight gain -- despite my best intentions! But I'm taking steps to try and keep things under control, and I've learned from vacations this summer that I need some structure to be successful in maintaining my weight.

Here are some things I am doing/plan to do:

1. I am tightening up my eating right now. And by that I mean I'm really watching my calories and portion size. I'm also measuring things again, as the "eyeballing" technique can sometimes get a little less accurate as time goes onward. Importantly, I'm not skipping meals or snacks -- thinking if I starve myself I'll lose weight. That doesn't work for me, as my body just stores everything I would eat as fat, in anticipation of the restricted eating. Subsequently, I'm staying on my normal eating routine.

2. I have made a grocery list for my Mom. I sent an email to my Mom outlining in detail what items I need her to purchase for my breakfasts, lunches and snacks. In the past, she would just stock the fridge with what she thought I would like -- and that included decadent chicken salad and eggs and sausage and pre-made sandwiches from the gourmet market. I don't eat this way anymore. Having my familiar foods ready for me when I get there keeps my structure in place.

3. We have all the dinners planned out in advance. In the past, pre-Optifast, we would go out every night of the vacation, and I would order anything I wanted on the menu. Now, I love restaurants, and to deny myself any meal out is just not something that's going to happen. So we have decided on three nights out (one night is Thanksgiving), three nights eating in, and I know the menus of the places where we are going to eat. I'll be having seafood at all three, and ordering it baked or grilled, lightly sauced, skip the carbs, and have a vegetable. Mom and I are going to share a dessert. So I'll get a few bites, which is all I need.

4. I am taking specific food items on the plane. This always includes 100-calorie almond packs, part-skim string cheese, and an apple. I buy a large iced coffee in the terminal and bring that on the plane with me.  When the drink cart goes by, I will ask for water. This way I'm covered when I inevitably get bored and start wanting to eat.

5. I'll exercise when I'm down there. This includes long walks on the beach and swimming, two of my most favorite activities. I plan to walk every day.

***

So this is where I am right now. I weighed in this morning at 171 lbs. and I would like to get down a pound or two before I leave. I am upping my fiber, as that really helps me shed a few pounds. I feel very positive about my maintenance ability because I've got some good vacation experience under my belt. All in all, I'm excited. Leavin' on a jet plane...I can't wait!

For The Couch Potatoes

You are probably aware of this simple truth: When it comes to weight management, the more you exercise, the more calories you can consume. Simply put: Work out more, get to eat more. Those in my boat who can't (or more honestly won't) exercise, and want to keep their weight off, are going to have to watch everything they eat like a hawk and keep calories consumed at a very low level. Sedentary behavior also flies in the face of the three-legged chair requirement for holding a healthy weight. Leg One: Calorie counting. Leg Two: Addressing emotional coping skills. Leg Three: Exercise (or "physical activity" if that sounds better to you).

I've not read one success story to date of someone who is keeping their weight off after Optifast without exercising regularly. In my case, I do manage to walk up to 2 miles a day. And yes, that is exercise. But I'm not out running, or working out at the gym, and I'll be honest folks, I'm pretty darn nervous about this. I am, however, absolutely convinced that the vast majority of people who have Optifasted and reached goal are struggling to exercise regularly. Heck, the majority of Americans don't get enough daily activity. But does this mean we just throw in the towel and suffer through an extremely restricted diet to maintain? Heck no.

The one thing I really have going for me is a husband going through a mid-life crisis who has jumped on board with me and eating the healthy, high-fiber/protein dinners. And he has also jacked up his physical exercise -- and not-so-subtly encourages me to join him. He brings up the importance of exercise to me every single day. Now, sometimes this really, really bothers me and I feel guilty. But other times, like last weekend, I pulled myself out of my chair, got my running/walking shoes on and went on a long walk with him. His "pestering with love" does pay off sometimes.

I also have Kathy, our clinic Director, who is an incredible motivator when it comes to exercising. Every time I see her at my weekly weigh-ins, I am reminded to exercise. We've had many, many private discussions and class discussions about this topic. So my weekly clinic visits are of course crucial to keeping me at least focused on the importance of exercise for weight management, and how to get motivated to do so.

Folks, the exercise leg on my stool has always been the weakest leg. The other two legs are firmly attached -- with nails and Super Glue. I go in stops and starts. One day I'm hell bent on exercising, the next day I just want to go to work, come home and cook, and relax with my laptop in the evening. This is tough. But you know me. I'm not giving up.

I want all those who really shun physical activity to know I'm right in that camp with you. But -- there is just no denying the fact that if we really want to be healthy, happy and free, we've just got to get off out butts and get moving. Period. I'm a "restrictive eater" as you know, and more times than not, I'm not too happy with this. And I want to dissuade you from going down my path.

There's about an inch of snow on the ground today, but my co-worker and I are going to strap our boots on and head out for our morning walk. The sun is out, and actually, I'm looking forward to walking today. Now as for tomorrow...who knows. But living by my credo, "Stay in the Precious Present," I'm not going to worry about what tomorrow is going to bring. Let's get moving. Have a great day all!

And Then The Light Bulb Went On!

Well good morning all! The Bassets got me up early AGAIN and I can't get back to sleep, so of course to my blog I go. The coffee is brewing and the gum chewing has begun (yes, I still chew the sugarless gum that got me through the long stretch of Optifasting). I realize I haven't posted in awhile and that's due to a very hectic work period right now. Things don't ease up until Thanksgiving, when hubby and I wing our way down to Florida to spend the holiday with my Mom. Obviously, I can't wait!

A very, very dear Facebook friend sent me this picture earlier this week. I just smiled so broadly when I saw it, and at the same time felt tears in my eyes. How many days, how many years have I wasted raking myself over the coals for not being perfect? Not doing the "right thing" or being the "good girl" or never making mistakes? I'll just say that a damn good amount of time has been lost to worry and anxiety that I don't measure up to someone else's standards. And guess what? Today I'm pretty darn mad about this! (wink, wink)

I want to state for the record today that Melissa has done one hell of a good job maintaining the weight lost through the Optifast program. I've worked extremely hard to master, as best I can at this juncture, all the things that are required for a complete lifestyle overhaul. What I am doing is not easy. It's extremely difficult, actually. And I'm coming at this from every angle, to the best of my ability, and that's something to commend and celebrate.

In my case, it was just impossible to hold right at my goal weight of 160 lbs. Despite everything I was doing, all the restrictions in place, exercising as best I could in the face of great resentment, I could not hold goal weight. What I can hold, with a current regime that I am happy and content with, is a weight range of 168 - 172 lbs. And some days, particularly early in the week, I go up a little from that, but it inevitably comes back down. And all of this is AOK. This is my body saying, "Hey Melissa -- I'm happy here."

Now of course, in the back of my mind is the wonderful memory of hitting my 160 lb. goal  -- and actually, that one morning I got on my scale and it registered 155 lbs. That was a high like no other. But I'm not there now, and I'm not going back there, and frankly, today, that's fine by me. I'm 47 years old, 5' 6, curvy and wearing a clothing size that is the average for American women: 12-14. I was starting to creep into size 26 before the Optifast program. Yes, I've come a long way baby.

I am sitting here right now actually getting quite angry at those purported "medical experts" debunking liquid diets, citing all the failure statistics, implying if you're not in that 2-5% who keeps everything off, well that just proves their case. Well, Mr. Expert, some of us packed a little extra back on but we're doing pretty damn well. Healthy as a horse. According to you, we're with the 98% who failed. And I'm no failure. I'm a success story. Folks, remember this advice: Figures lie. And liars figure.

The sun is coming up and it looks to be a beautiful, chilly day in Columbus. I'm going to have my oatmeal, then slip back into bed for a little snoozing. I've spent this morning "approving of myself." And what do you know. I feel great!